Chapter Text
Ryan
Ryan pushed himself up to his feet, surveying the damage all around him, his mind spinning as he tried desperately to figure out what to do. He was still shivering and his t-shirt and hoodie were both soaked through with perspiration. His skin felt cold and clammy, and he glanced down at himself, noting absently that he was also soaked in blood.
Not his own blood.
“Did you see which way they went?” Ryan asked frantically, finally turning to face MM and Annie. “I need to go after them. We’re wasting time.”
When both of them remained silent, Ryan shook his head and spun around, ready to launch himself out of the hangar, but MM stopped him with a steady hand wrapped around his forearm.
“Stop and take a breath, kid,” MM said carefully.
“I can’t,” Ryan cried. “They took him, M. I need to- I need to find my brother.” As the reality of what had just happened further sank in, Ryan lost his breath, choking on a shuddering inhale as his lungs suddenly felt like someone was squeezing the air out of them.
“Think for a second,” MM urged, turning to face Ryan and holding him steady with his hands on both of Ryan’s arms. “Let’s play this out. You go flying after them like a bat outta hell. You use your x-ray vision on every armored military vehicle in the DC area. You manage to find them - you find your brother. You get within a hundred feet of the convoy and Nick suddenly neutralizes your powers. You drop out of the sky like a fighter jet that just got shot down.”
The startling imagery sent another wave of panic coursing down Ryan’s spine and he squeezed his eyes shut, fresh tears leaking from the corners of them.
“You won’t save Nick if you’re gravely wounded – or worse – dead,” MM continued. “We will get your brother back. But we need to be smart about it, alright?”
Ryan nodded, not trusting himself to speak any further. He went willingly when MM pulled him into a hug, but was still struggling hard to force air in and out of his lungs. Then he felt the gentle tap of MM’s palm between his shoulder blades – slow and steady, every second or so, almost like a metronome – and he nodded again, knowing what MM was silently urging him to do. Ryan slowly drew in a deep breath to the count of four, held it in to a count of four, exhaled for a count of four, and then held it again before repeating the cycle.
It was one of the breathing techniques his therapist had taught Ryan years ago when he was plagued by nightmares and flashbacks of his mother’s death. He repeated the rhythm several times, losing track of how many seconds and minutes passed, until mercifully the vice squeezing tight around his chest began to ease up.
“I’m so fucking scared, M,” Ryan quietly admitted, his words muffled where his face was still buried against MM’s shoulder.
“We’ve gone up against Vought before,” MM murmured reassuringly. “We’ll do it again.”
“I’m not scared of them,” Ryan practically whispered. “I’m afraid of… of me.”
He pulled away, his breaths finally coming steadily again as he swiped the moisture from his cheeks. But Ryan couldn't get the copper taste out of his mouth, couldn’t rid the phantom heat from his eyes. What happened tonight hadn't felt like a valiant rescue attempt; it had felt like a bomb inside him detonating, a red-hot wave of fury that snapped his self-control before he even realized his eyes were glowing. He hadn't wanted to kill that man; he’d just wanted the nightmare to end.
“I used to be terrified that I was destined to turn into him somehow.” Ryan didn’t specify who he was, knowing MM already understood the unspoken fear that had haunted Ryan for years: the fear of becoming Homelander. “Then a year passed, and then another, and I realized that I didn’t have to be a victim to that fear. I could make my own choices to do the right thing. To do good, like my mom raised me to.”
Ryan choked back a dry swallow. “I thought I was doing right by Nick. But it feels like it doesn’t even matter. Everywhere I go, it’s just… death and destruction for everyone around me.”
“That’s not true,” MM said firmly. “You didn’t do this; Vought did.” His brow furrowed in thought for a few moments as he quietly contemplated what Ryan had said. “Homelander thought he was a god because he had god-like powers. I’ve known you long enough to see that your true strength isn’t in those god-like powers you inherited; it’s in how human you are inside. How much you care; how much you’ll do to protect those you love.”
“I’m gonna need your help,” Ryan admitted, his gaze dropping down to his blood-stained hands. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“You’ll need to train to fight without your powers,” MM decided. “Once we have our game plan figured out, we’ll go in and get your brother from wherever they’re keeping him. But as soon as you get close enough to him, you’ll just be a regular human. You need to learn how to handle yourself without relying on your powers.”
“I can do it,” Ryan hurriedly replied. “I’ll do whatever it takes.” He exhaled shakily, hit with the sudden realization that he needed to do something much more difficult first. “I need to go see Nick’s adoptive parents and tell them what happened, first.”
MM nodded and gave Ryan a gentle, reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, I…” Ryan faltered. “I think I need to do this on my own.”