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Even before he fully emerged from the blissful indifference of sleep, Kaidan’s head began throbbing anew. His brow furrowed in response, ensuring that his eyes remained tightly shut. He paused for a long moment, using the senses other than sight to get a handle on things around him. He felt the smooth fabric of sheets against his skin. The softness was relative, of course. Military standard issue sheets were not exactly luxurious, but, he reminded himself, it certainly beat a sleeper pod.
He could smell the lingering scent of Shepard on the pillow beneath his head. Even now, he was still getting used to waking up and her being there. Their initial time together in a relationship had been so unfairly short and the loneliness after the disaster over Alchera had seemed so long. This change was difficult to get used to, but he was thankful nonetheless. Kaidan didn’t really care to admit to himself just how many times he’d silently wished for such a simple truth that seemed so impossible. She was alive. She was by his side.
He remembered, as he slowly pieced things together, that he’d fallen asleep with his head on Shepard’s lap. Despite his protests, she had insisted on retreating to her cabin with him and helping him to recover. She’d shut down any and all distractions and taken the time to gently massage his head, neck, and shoulders. The migraine hadn’t fully subsided by the time he’d fallen asleep, but he did feel remarkably relaxed. He couldn’t help but find it amusing that those hands could so fluidly ease the tension in his muscles, but they’d become infamous for their ability to kill.
Kaidan had managed to unknowingly shift into a normal sleeping position, no longer on Shepard’s lap. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it seemed like it had been a couple of hours, if he were to guess. He’d moved, but the lighting hadn’t changed to the night cycle just yet, judging by the illumination he could sense despite closed eyes.
A sound met his ears. It wasn’t the subtle hum of the Normandy’s state-of-the-art drive core. It wasn’t the gentle bubbling of the aquarium on the other side of the room. It was a gasping, gut-wrenching hiss. Even without seeing anything, Kaidan could hear the panic and fear.
His eyes snapped open, though that was a gesture met with immediate regret. The lights, dimmed though they were, did little to assuage the pain in his head. Kaidan elected to ignore that for the time being as he sought out the woman he assumed was still nearby. She was curled up on the other side of the bed with her back facing him. She was so tightly coiled in on herself that Kaidan began to wonder if she was in pain.
Shepard was still fully dressed in her uniform. It seemed that she hadn’t anticipated falling asleep beside him so early, but he knew that she had enough trouble getting good rest as it was. He was happy to see that she’d managed to sleep for even a little while.
He watched as the hissing noise escaped her again. It sounded like agony, now that he could hear it while fully awake. He saw her hands reach up and latch behind her neck. Even in the dim lighting, he could see the dark marks she’d given herself as her nails raked against the tender skin. He couldn’t believe she was doing that and that she remained asleep while it happened.
It hit him like a lightning bolt. Alchera. He remembered what he’d seen, what he’d heard in the aftermath, and how she herself had described the experience. She didn’t talk about it much, but she had mentioned the seal failure that ultimately had claimed her life. It had been behind her neck. She’d suffocated knowingly and had probably tried to stop it from happening. He realized with a pang of sorrow, that it must have looked very much like her stance now.
He judged this to be unpleasant enough to know that she needed to wake up and remember that she was safe. He was here and wouldn’t let anything like that happen to her again, if he could possibly help it. He’d learned much in their time together and apart. He was a wiser man now than he was back then, and knew when to react. He’d learned hard lessons and recognized that regret was a brutal thing that could haunt for years, after all.
Kaidan rolled to his side and placed a hand on Shepard’s arm. Though his instinct was to wrap her in his arms and pull her close, he recognized that doing something like that to someone in the throes of a traumatic memory might not be the best idea. He didn’t want her to feel any more confined than she already probably felt.
Her skin was clammy to the touch. He gently pulled on her arm, and though it remained tightly adhered to her neck, she was coaxed enough to roll onto her back beside him. Lines of worry and pain were evident across her lovely face, probably not unlike his own, at the moment. He wondered how many times this had happened in the time they’d been apart. Given how many nightmares he’d experienced about the same event, it was probably a lot. He felt guilty for not having been there to help her through it all, but… he was here now.
He whispered her name as his fingers swept up and down her arm. She continued to panic, but he didn’t want to abruptly wake her and cause additional fear. Now that she was on her back, he could see just how frantic her breathing was. Her chest heaved and shook enough to convince him to call her name again.
Relief swept over him as her movements paused for a moment and her eyelids began to flutter. She was trying to pull herself out of that misery and he was thankful that he’d been there to help. Her eyes opened wide, focusing on the stars as they sailed silently by overhead. Her body tensed noticeably and Kaidan realized that such a sight was probably not the very first thing she wanted to see at a time like this. He moved his hand to her jaw in order to garner her attention and get her to focus instead on him.
“Hey,” he whispered, offering her a little half-smile.
She stared at him with wide eyes for a long moment. She had to put some effort into calming her breathing and wrapping her mind around what had happened, no doubt. A great shuddering sigh escaped her as she finally began to relax. She turned over on her side to face him. Though it was more difficult to see it clearly now, her voice betrayed the fact that there were tears threatening to burst forth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’m such a mess.”
His heart ached for her. She’d been through hell already and they weren’t finished yet. Kaidan couldn’t offer much, but he wanted her to feel safe and happy. He scooted closer to her and swallowed her up in his embrace. He flinched as her ice-cold hands wrapped greedily around his torso, but he smiled nonetheless. She chuckled and the sound was like music to his ears.
“Me, too,” he reassured her as his eyes closed to try and stop the throbbing in his head once more. “You have nothing to apologize for.”