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Shadows flickered across the walls as she settled into her chair at the desk. The curtains rustled as the cold night breeze kissed her. A deep sigh left her lips as she stared at the blank piece of paper in front of her. She reached out for her pen and dipped it into the ink pot. The pen clattered softly against the porcelain rim. She shrugged off the excess ink before placing the nib against the parchment.
My dearest, most beloved,
If I ever saw you again, I would ask you why my love wasn’t enough for you. Did I not give you enough? Did I not cherish you enough? Did I not care enough? I even blindly followed you into the military, yet you still left me behind.
You made me your killer. Why couldn’t you have had mercy on me? Did I not lose enough before for you to forsake me too? Armin may have branded himself the one who saved the world from you, yet whenever I look down at my hands, I see them painted with blood.
Even if I used every single drop of water in this world, the blood on my hands wouldn’t come clean. I hate you for taking yourself away from me. I despise you most days.
I have set you free, but in doing so I’ve bound myself to you. I cannot even imagine walking too far away from your grave. I am shackled to you, my love. You are free like a bird, but I cannot grant myself the same freedom.
What have you done to me? You make me miserable. I see you everywhere. You took the easy way out, but what about me? Am I to suffer the rest of my life? Choosing to follow you only made my existence unbearable.
Sometimes I hope you didn't save me that day, that I had been sold that day. At least then I wouldn’t have been a slave of my own making. I would have followed you to the depths of hell and back, had you only asked me to.
I cannot forget you.
Your face is imprinted into my memory, as if it were carved into stone. I cannot forget your hollow eyes and the way you had looked at me when I had cut through your flesh. At this point, I wish I could forget you. I wish I had never known you. I wish I didn’t have a single memory of you. But I cannot. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot. It would kill me.
Whenever I go to the markets, I try to look for your face. I wish to see you, my dear. I wish to hold you close, I wish to hear your heartbeat once more. A few times I came close to digging up your grave to see your face, and then I wish I had just cremated you instead. You lie too close to me yet so far away.
Would it have been so bad if we hadn’t joined the military and lived somewhere far away? It would have been peaceful. I would have loved you, you would have loved me. Everything would have been perfect. Why couldn’t you just give me the one thing I ever asked of you? You always knew how to break my promises and my heart along with it, yet I still always followed you around like the fool I was and still am.
Are you happy now? As you sleep while I do all the work? Loafer.
You told me to forget you and move on, but how can I? How can I love someone else while I am consumed by you? It wouldn’t be fair. You ask too much of me. How could I, Mikasa Ackerman, love another when you have existed in my life, Eren Yeager?
I love you because you are Eren, the boy who taught me the world could be kind too on the same day the world showed me just how cruel it could be. The boy who took me into his house, the boy who always tried to push me away. Why couldn’t you have pulled me closer for once in your life? I would have been happy then.
Oh, how I yearn for just a glimpse of you. I wish I had taken your hand, I wish I had been more convincing. I wish I had eloped with you. I wish for so much, yet so little. Just you, my love, just you is what I ask of this universe. Only this is what I ask of anyone who can hear me.
Even if you are the reason I lost Sasha, I still want you. The night she died, I returned to our room only to be met with silence. It was as though I could drown in it. How could the silence be so loud? How could it hurt so much? Our room was never like that, yet it all happened because of you. I despise you.
I saw something of my mother in Commander Hange, yet she was taken away from me too. This was your fault too. She was so kind, so loving. Her touch was so soft whenever she patted me on the head. Why? Just why do you take everything away from me?
Or am I simply cursed? Everything I touch wilts, everyone I love dies. Why was I born such a wretched, cursed thing? I wish I could do something to stop this. I wish I could die instead of them. I don’t dare see Armin and Annie too much, either. I fear that something will happen to them; they are simply so happy.
I cannot live with myself anymore. I dream of the day I will see you again.
I write all of this only to burn it afterward. I think I might have gone crazy. I have lost my senses.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
Just one chance. Just one chance to tell you what you are to me.
Yours truly, Mikasa
The point of the pen scratched against the paper hard enough to make it tear at the end. She dropped it on the desk with a thud and buried her face in her hands. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, her throat was filled with a lump. A soft sob escaped her, then another one.
“Oh God, what did I ever do to deserve this?” she whispered softly. Snatching the paper from the desk she read through it, her fingertips brushing over the name of her loved one. “Eren, you continue to haunt me.”
The chair screeched against the floor as she stood up and walked over to the hearth. She closed her eyes and crumbled the paper before throwing it into the fire. It burned the same way her heart did.
Why could she never have anything that belonged only to her?