Archive of Our Own

For the thirteenth time in the past five days, Suzaku caught Lelouch staring at him. As soon as Suzaku would notice, he'd quickly turn away and act as if he hadn't been doing so. This by itself wasn't necessarily unusual, to be fair. It had become somewhat of a familiar routine between them, often noticing Lelouch staring when he thought Suzaku wasn't looking (and Suzaku doing the same in return). It was usually endearing, but this time there was a different look in his eyes. It was difficult to place what it was exactly, but he usually kept his expression flat and unreadable when Suzaku noticed him and he feigned ignorance, betraying little emotion. The fact that anything was slipping past his carefully maintained mask at all was troubling.

It wasn't just the staring, though. He'd been unfocused, often missing what people were saying to him until they called his name to catch his attention. He was never a particularly talkative person, but he'd been noticeably quiet, only speaking when spoken too and in short responses. He had also been carrying himself strangely— at times, he seemed almost lethargic, a vacant expression on his face as if he was barely aware of himself; at others, his movements were sharp and jerky, his whole body tensed as if bracing for some imminent disaster, waiting for some invisible sword above his head to fall.

Notably, he also seemed to be avoiding Suzaku, except for with his eyes.

Suzaku brought it up to the rest of the student council later that day, after another of Lelouch's bouts of staring. He hadn't been quick enough to turn away when Suzaku had looked over at him, and their eyes had locked for a moment. His eyes had widened, the corners of his mouth twitched nigh imperceptibly, and Suzaku had searched for any insight into what was on his mind. Then Lelouch had abruptly stood up with a loud scrape of his chair across the floor, ending whatever moment they'd been sharing, and excused himself, mumbling some meager half-truth excuse about being tired. A troubled hush fell over the room as everyone watched him leave.

"Have you guys noticed how weird he's been acting lately?" Suzaku inquired after Lelouch's footsteps had retreated down the hall. "What's up with him?"

Shirley frowned. "He has been a bit strange, hasn't he?" She rested her chin on her hand, gaze lingering on the door with a concerned pout on her face.

"Seems like he has something on his mind," Rivalz chimed in. "Or maybe he really is just tired? It's always hard to tell with him, to be honest."

"If I had to wager a guess, I'd say he's probably worried about you," Milly stated, ever-observant. It took a moment for Suzaku to realize she was referring to him, a pointed look being shot in his direction.

"About me? What do you mean?"

Milly sighed, eternally concerned about and exasperated by her friends in equal measure. "Isn't it obvious? He clearly cares about you a lot, and after all the stuff on the news with you piloting that white Knightmare and the princess making you her knight, he's probably worried about your safety. I bet that's why he keeps staring at you like that."

Suzaku grimaced slightly. "So you've noticed that too, huh?"

"He's not exactly been subtle about it," Milly said with a small shrug. Shirley nodded in agreement, and Rivalz seemed lost and clueless, as he often was.

It took only a moment for Suzaku to make up his mind and rise from his seat. "I should go talk to him." Dread settled in his stomach, as Lelouch was always so difficult whenever anyone tried to pry into his business. They needed to talk about it eventually, though. May as well be sooner rather than later.

"Yeah, I think you should," Milly kindly encouraged.

It took barely any time at all to get to the suite where Lelouch and Nunnally lived. Apprehensively, he knocked on the door. It took quite a bit longer than it usually would, but eventually the door opened just enough for Lelouch to see who was there, but not enough for either of them to pass through. A small flash of something like shock danced across his face before he quickly smoothed it over to it's usual flat demeanor— save, of course, for that strange look that continued to linger in his eyes. "Suzaku," he said, tone calculatedly even. "What's up?"

"Hey. I wanted to talk to you about something. Is it alright if I come in?"

Lelouch looked away, thoughts churning incomprehensibly beneath his expression. Suzaku found himself wondering, as he so often did, what was running through his enigma of a mind. Seemingly done deliberating, he opened the door without looking back at Suzaku. "Sure," he said with questionable certainty. The door closed softly behind them and he finally drew his eyes back to Suzaku's face. "What did you, uh, want to talk about?"

It seemed he had no intention of inviting him further into the apartment or offering a chair at the dining table. They instead continued to stand awkwardly near the door. Suzaku sighed softly as he leaned against it with crossed arms. "Something seems to be bothering you lately. I just wanted to check on you."

The clipped response came troublingly quick. "I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"Well, too bad, I'm worrying about you whether you like it or not. I can tell something's wrong. What's going on?"

"Nothing." Frustration and bitterness began bleeding into his tone. "Nothing is wrong, and I'm fine. End of story."

This was starting to get on Suzaku's nerves— he'd expected pushback like this, but expecting it made it no less irritating to deal with. He stood up straighter, hands curled into loose fists at his sides, his relaxed posture abandoned. "You're not doing a very good job of persuading me," he said, voice growing firm. "You're obviously upset about something and I want you to talk to me about it. The fact that even I'm able to pick up on it at all means it must be pretty bad."

Lelouch crossed his arms and set his shoulders defensively. "Just drop it, Suzaku," he hissed with a glare. "I'm fine. I appreciate the concern, but it's unneeded." There was now a decidedly hostile bite to his words.

"If you're so damn fine then why do you keep looking at me like that?!"

"Looking at you like what?"

"I don't know, Lelouch. Like I'm at risk of vanishing into thin air at any given moment. Like you're not sure if I'm real, or something. Why won't you just talk to me?"

Those words made all the fight drain out of Lelouch's body in one go. He let out a shaky breath as he drew a hand wearily down his face, averting his eyes. "I can't." His voice wavered the slightest amount. "I can't talk about it. I'm sorry. I can't."

The abrupt change in demeanor was startling, all of Suzaku's ire giving way to concern. He rarely saw his friend this emotional. "Hey," he said gently. He tried to put a hand on Lelouch's shoulder, but he flinched at the touch, so he withdrew it. Lelouch glanced guiltily at Suzaku's hand where it hovered hesitantly between them before once again fixing his eyes on the floor. "I'm sorry for getting so upset. I'm just worried about you. If you're having a hard time, I want to help. We're friends, after all, aren't we?"

Lelouch looked up, brow furrowed and misty eyes searching Suzaku's face for something inexplicable. They stood there unspeaking for a long moment, then, seeming to arrive at some sort of conclusion, Lelouch took a deep breath and gently rested his hands on Suzaku's cheeks. There was a half second of hesitation as he leaned in— though not quite enough for Suzaku to process what was happening— then Lelouch closed the rest of the distance and pressed his lips against his. Suzaku felt his brain promptly short-circuit.

It's not necessarily that this was unwanted or even unforeseen. Shortly after they had reunited at school, Suzaku had realized how he was beginning to fall for Lelouch (though, he figured, that seed had probably been planted years ago, back during the time they spent together as kids). Realizing it had only made him fall harder, and he'd suspected that Lelouch possibly felt similarly about him, but he wasn't willing to risk such a valued friendship over it. So the two had instead chosen to carefully dance around it, preserving the fragile balance of their friendship, pushing strange feelings aside to keep it all from potentially falling apart. Now, in one swift, decisive blow, Lelouch had sent that balance crashing down, and as Suzaku's brain finally got up to speed, his first, most instinctive thought in response to their shattered illusion was finally.

So he began to close his eyes and kiss Lelouch back, before sense suddenly slammed back into him and he remembered that, wanted and anticipated as this may be, now was very much not the time. He placed his hands gently on Lelouch's shoulders and pushed him back, just to separate them enough for Suzaku to talk. "Wait, hold on—"

Panic washed over Lelouch and he withdrew his hands as if touching Suzaku's face began to burn him. "Shit, I'm sorry, I— I shouldn't have, I just— I thought—" He stuttered nervously, words tumbling over one another as he tried to take a step back.

Suzaku steadied his hold on his shoulders, keeping him from backing away. "No, it's not that, you're fine. It was… nice, actually, but that's not the point. Now isn't the—" The affirmation seemed enough to re-embolden Lelouch, who crashed back into him before he could finish his sentence. He tried again to kiss Suzaku, more aggressively this time, causing his back to hit the door behind him as one hand grabbed the back of his neck and the other tangled in his hair. He was quicker to react this time, though, once again pushing the other boy back. "Lelouch," he said firmly, who flinched at the tone. "I'm fine with you kissing me, but I'd appreciate if you stopped using it to dodge the serious conversation I'm trying to have with you."

Face flushing red with embarrassment, Lelouch nodded. "Right. Sorry."

"How about we sit down?"

Feeling the warmth of Suzaku's hand engulf his own, Lelouch allowed himself to be led over to the dining table and the chairs around it. They took seats across from one another, and Suzaku watched as Lelouch collapsed into the chair, his narrow frame pulled taut with a rigid tension. Suzaku exhaled softly, hands folded over one another on the table. "Is it me? Milly's theory is that you're… worried about me. What with everything going on. Is that what's bothering you? Or is it something else?"

Lelouch refused to meet his gaze, worrying his lip between his teeth. "That's… part of it. Something like that."

"I'm sorry. That's why I was trying so hard to keep it a secret. I knew it would freak everyone out to know that's what I've been doing. I'm sorry for making you worry."

"You don't have to apologize. You're just—" Lelouch's voice strained around the words, like he was forcing them out. "You're just doing what you think is right. I can't fault you for that."

The disingenuity in his tone was troubling. "If it bothers you, you can just say that," Suzaku said with a frown. "I won't be offended or anything. I'd rather you be honest with me."

Lelouch threw his hands up in exasperation, the tension in him finally seeming to snap. "Well, how am I supposed to feel confident you'll come back alive if I know some part of you is trying to get yourself killed out there?" Violet eyes glared daggers at Suzaku, though fear and a peculiar sort of sadness simmered just below the surface, something like preemptive grief. "How am I supposed to be okay with that, Suzaku?"

Grim realization dawned on him. "This is about what that mind-reader guy said about me, isn't it?"

"Now that I know, it feels kind of obvious that's what you're doing," Lelouch said, voice growing increasingly bitter. "So self-sacrificing all the damn time, always worrying about others but never yourself."

"Like you said, I'm just trying to do what I think is right."

"Sure, but that doesn't mean you're not also trying to kill yourself by doing it."

"What the hell else should I be doing, then?"

"Having some self-preservation for once in your life! Stop being a fool!" He enunciated by slamming his hands down on the table.

They both fell silent after that outburst. At first they glared at one another, but slowly each of their expressions broke down into tired resignation. "We're not gonna get anywhere arguing about this," Suzaku sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No, we're not," Lelouch agreed flatly.

Uncomfortable silence fell over them. It filled the air, seeming to make the space between them grow larger and larger. As the discomfort grew to a breaking point, Suzaku stood. "I can leave," he mumbled. "It feels like I should leave."

Before he could reach the door, Lelouch spoke up with a small voice. "You don't have to. You can stay, it's fine." Lelouch was guarded and aloof by nature, and often hid his true thoughts and feelings behind a facade of indifference. Suzaku knew him, however, and could clearly hear what he was trying to say beneath his actual words— "Please don't go."

"Alright," he conceded softly.

The two moved from the site of their argument to the more comfortable living room and sat together for a while, the tension between them cracking and falling away as they discussed things which were innocuous and of little consequence. How school had been going lately, recounting memories and the like; they both tried to ignore their disagreement, speaking around it like it was never there. Neither wanted to disturb the shaky and likely temporary peace they'd found.

Suzaku found himself wanting desperately to put his arm around Lelouch and hold him, but it felt like far too embarrassing a thing to do. Though, he admitted to himself, it was a bit ridiculous to feel that way about a simple physical gesture when they'd kissed earlier, if briefly. Luckily, Suzaku didn't have to agonize over whether or not to do so for too long, as Lelouch cautiously moved closer and leaned his head on Suzaku's shoulder. Smiling like an idiot, Suzaku affirmed to his friend that it was alright by wordlessly threading their fingers together between them.

Are we a thing now? he wondered to himself. They'd kissed— well, Lelouch had kissed him, more like, but Suzaku didn't have a problem with it beyond the particular circumstance under which it had happened. And now they were leaning against one another, holding hands. This seemed beyond platonic behavior, right?

Oh, well. He could try to define them later. For now, he'd just enjoy what they had, here in this moment, whatever it may be.

Later, as the setting sun out the window was painting the horizon in brilliant shades of red and orange, footsteps approached the living room, and at the sound Lelouch immediately sat up, withdrew his hand from Suzaku's, and moved a few inches away. Sayoko-san entered a moment later, offering a hello to their guest and informing them that dinner was ready. No verbal invitation was required, Lelouch merely glancing sideways at Suzaku, who understood and nodded in return. As they stood up, Suzaku couldn't help but lament— Lelouch didn't run particularly warm, but without his weight leaning on him and with his hand empty now, he found himself suddenly feeling a bit cold.

Dinner was pleasant, Nunnally excited that Suzaku was there with them. "I like when we get to all be together like this," she said with her bright, brilliant smile. "Like a family." Lelouch picked at his food, not eating much, but tried his best when Suzaku gave him a concerned look over it— he seemed to lose his appetite when his mind was occupied as such, but he was already a twig as is; lord knows he couldn't afford to be skipping meals. When they were done, Suzaku offered to help Sayoko-san with the dishes, but she adamantly refused, insisting on him being a guest, before carrying them all off to the kitchen herself. Nunnally bid Suzaku a warm goodnight and headed off to her room, asking Lelouch to come help her to bed in a little while. Then it was just the two of them alone.

"I guess I should probably get going then, huh? It's getting pretty late," Suzaku said, looking at the clock which indicated it was nearly 9pm— they had spent quite a while talking with Nunnally, it seemed. "Thanks for dinner. And… spending time together. It was nice." He smiled and looked at Lelouch, who was staring back contemplatively. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but nothing came out at first. Swallowing apprehensively, he turned his face to the side, averting his gaze from Suzaku's face in embarrassment.

His voice was soft and hesitant as he spoke. "Suzaku, would you… Would you stay the the night with me? If you'd like."

Suzaku laughed a little, though it was merely at the unexpectedness of the question, not the invitation itself. "Wow, moving a bit fast, aren't you?" he couldn't help but tease. Lelouch turned back to him, eyes wide and face turning red from embarrassment.

"That's not— I just meant— I meant literally! Not that implication!" He stuttered out, then shoved Suzaku's shoulder in a playful manner. "Get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert."

The embarrassed reaction got another laugh out of Suzaku. He's cute when he's flustered like this, he mused to himself (deciding for now to ignore how strangely uncharacteristic all his behavior today had been). "Relax, I'm just kidding. I'm messing with you, I know what you meant." Without thinking he reached a hand out to brush a bit of hair from Lelouch's face, who startled at the action. "I'd be happy to," he said warmly.

Smiling tentatively in return, Lelouch reached up to take Suzaku's hand which was still hovering by his face. The two returned to the living room and reassumed the same sitting arrangement they had been in prior, leaning against one another, fingers tangled together as Lelouch swiped his thumb back and forth across Suzaku's knuckles in a loving gesture which Suzaku wasn't sure he was even aware he was doing. They spoke in soft voices, so close together and the living room quiet enough that there was no need to speak at a normal volume. It wasn't quite a whisper, but it carried the same sentiments of a private conversation, words made for each other's ears alone. The topic of their argument earlier was, for this blissful moment, forgotten entirely; it would surely come back to them in the following days, but for now, they could imagine they were normal, average teenagers, ones who weren't Knightmare pilots or rebel terrorist leaders, who were in simple, beautiful love.

Is that what this was? Were they in love? Right now, it certainly felt that way. It was a wondrous thought.

As the night grew, Lelouch eventually stood and detached himself from Suzaku's side. "I'm gonna go get Nunnally to bed real quick," he said, giving Suzaku's hand a gentle squeeze before letting it go. He tried to stifle a yawn, and Suzaku suddenly became very aware of the dark circles under his eyes, standing out against his pale skin like sickly bruises.

"We should also probably go to bed. You seem like you need it." He was always so tired nowadays, it seemed. Has he been getting enough sleep?

Unaware of Suzaku's concern, Lelouch merely nodded his agreement. "You can go settle in, I'll be there in a few minutes." He headed off to see to his sister, and Suzaku made his way to Lelouch's room.

The bedroom was almost depressingly plain, Suzaku thought to himself as he scanned it from the doorway. No sort of personal effects, nothing to indicate anyone lived there at all besides a chess set on a small table, and a worn book on the bedside. He wondered if it was that he was still hesitant about putting roots down anywhere, or if it was out of neglect for his own personhood. Maybe it was both. He could see it going either way, and they both sent a pang through his chest.

He folded his school uniform neatly and placed it on the floor by the well-made bed. Laying under Lelouch's blanket, staring at the ceiling, he had a moment for his thoughts to wander.

He thought about the strange way he'd been acting. How erratic he had been when he kissed him. But more pressingly, something he had said during their argument lingered in his head. "Have some self-preservation for once in your life! Stop being a fool!"

Traitorous as his mind was, he thought about the similar sentiment that Zero yelled to him at the end of their conversation, when he'd rescued him from his court martial. He thought, reluctantly, about how similar Zero's tone then had been to Lelouch's earlier. How alike their voices were. Zero put far more of a dramatic flair behind his words than Lelouch, yet the cadence with which he spoke seemed troublingly familiar in a way he couldn't quite explain.

No. He tried desperately to shut down the train of thought. How could he even think that? How could he think that about his best friend? There's no way Lelouch could be Zero.

…Right?

The clicks of the door opening and closing jarred Suzaku out of those dreadful ponderings. He looked at Lelouch as he entered. The most important person in the world to him. The man he would go to the ends of the Earth for.

He can't be Zero. He can't.

"Oh," Lelouch said, looking away with a slight blush on his cheeks when he noticed Suzaku's bare shoulders poking out from under the blanket. "Sorry, do you want to borrow a shirt? I forgot you only had your uniform."

"I'm fine, don't worry," Suzaku laughed. "Unless you're uncomfortable with it…?"

"No. I'm comfortable. I mean, I don't mind." The words came out fast and a little high-pitched, and Suzaku noticed with amusement how the shade of his face deepened just a little bit.

When he turned the lights off and laid down, Lelouch seemed hesitant to touch him, curled in on himself as far away from Suzaku as he could get without falling off the rather small bed. It seemed a little silly, considering how they'd been pressed against one another on the couch, but Suzaku supposed the current environment made their proximity feel quite different. "Goodnight," he heard Lelouch mumble. Rather than say it back, Suzaku instead decided to steel his nerves.

"Lelouch," he whispered, so quiet he worried for a moment if the other boy even heard him.

"Yeah?"

"Can I kiss you? Properly this time?"

For a few long moments, there was silence, and Suzaku wondered if he'd made a mistake by asking that. He turned his head toward Lelouch, who hadn't so much as moved yet. Then the sheets rustled as he unfurled himself and lifted himself up slightly, propped up low on one arm. He stared straight back at Suzaku— little more than silhouettes could be made out in the darkness, yet they could each feel how their eyes met. Rather than say anything, Lelouch nodded a rather enthusiastic number of times.

Sitting up and leaning over, Suzaku placed a hand tenderly on Lelouch's cheek, who sank into the gentle caress. Using his sense of touch to help him map out the other's face in the dark, Suzaku's thumb brushed gently over Lelouch's lips, and he heard his breath catch. Once he was confident in his target, he softly, carefully, inquisitively brought their lips together. It had been hard to focus when it had happened earlier, but now in the dark with only tactile sensation to guide him, he could hone in clearly on what it truly felt like to kiss Lelouch.

His lips weren't very soft. They were chapped and raw in places from worrying at them with his teeth. He seemed uncertain of how to move his mouth against Suzaku's, and his whole body was rigid. It's not like either of them had much experience to work with. It was an awkward closed-mouth kiss of two teenagers trying to figure out what they were supposed to do in such a situation. It wasn't very good, all things considered.

He wouldn't have it any other way, though.

Their faces parted, but they remained in place, breaths mingling in the inch of space between them. Suzaku couldn't help but smile, and if the lights were on he was sure Lelouch would see him with a stupid love-struck grin plastered across his face. He ducked back in for another kiss. Now that he'd done recon, he could try again for real.

All the tension in Lelouch's body melted out of him as his lips parted against Suzaku's own. A hand rested on the back of Suzaku's neck to guide him down as Lelouch laid back. Suzaku had to shift his position, upper body now hovering over him, one arm resting next to where Lelouch's dark hair fanned out on his pillow. Suzaku's other hand came to rest gently on Lelouch's chest. The hand on Suzaku's neck moved to instead card through his hair, causing him to hum pleasantly against Lelouch's mouth at the sensation. In response, Lelouch pulled him deeper in, his other arm reaching around Suzaku's torso in a possessive hug, hand grasping desperately at his bare shoulder, the touch of his fingers like fire on Suzaku's skin.

Experimentally, he caught Lelouch's lower lip between his teeth, eliciting a sharp, rasping inhale. Suzaku felt the hand in his hair tighten into a fist, pulling ever-so-slightly as it closed around the soft brown curls. A low whine escaped from him and Lelouch swallowed it up hungrily, attempting pry past Suzaku's lips with his tongue. Suzaku happily let him.

What had started with an awkward, uncertain kiss seemed to have opened the floodgates of desire, the two devouring each other with breathless, pent-up desperation, engaged in an easy give-and-take as they taught themselves how to kiss each other. Without breaking away, Suzaku once again shifted his position, crawling over Lelouch to plant one leg on either side of his hips. As one hand found the side of Lelouch's face, thumb reverently swiping across his cheekbone, the other wandered, tracing from his jaw to his collarbone and over the contours of his chest through his shirt.

His hand trailed down to the hem of Lelouch's shirt. Pausing, ever the gentleman, he pulled away from Lelouch just long enough to whisper "May I?" against his lips as he slipped his thumb under the fabric.

"Please," Lelouch answered hoarsely.

—

Much later in the night, long after Suzaku had fallen asleep, Lelouch remained awake, head resting on the other boy's chest. He listened to Suzaku's heart beating a slow, steady rhythm under him. He breathed in time with it. He was trying to maintain this exact moment for as long as possible; maybe if he tried hard enough, they could stay like this forever. Wouldn't that be nice?

Wishful thinking wasn't enough, though. Reality loomed like dark clouds gathering on the horizon. Everything was going to fall apart soon.

Maybe it had been selfish of him to kiss Suzaku, despite knowing they weren't built to last. Maybe he was only making things worse in the long run, but he knew how close they were to the end. He couldn't stand the idea of not getting to kiss him, once at the very least, before the truth was finally laid bare and he lost the chance forever, and that had made him act rashly and desperately. It was clear to him that Suzaku was going to hate him when he found out he was Zero. Delusionally, he kept clinging to the faint hope that he'd understand, that they could finally join forces, and together there would be nothing they couldn't accomplish. Deep down, though, he knew the obvious, ugly truth. Suzaku would find out, and he'd despise him for being Zero, despise him for lying to him all these months, and maybe now he'd even despise him for the kiss they shared as they fumbled around in the dark. He'd hate Lelouch for tricking him into it with the knowledge that Suzaku would never have touched him like that if he had known.

It was all so incredibly selfish. He was a lying, selfish bastard and he would be till the day he died. If things went wrong, that day might even come soon— though if it were by Suzaku's hand, Lelouch thought, maybe he wouldn't mind all that much. His vision grew cloudy and when he blinked, it sent tears spilling down his cheeks unbidden. Scrunching his eyes closed and tightening his arms around Suzaku, he pressed his face into the boy's chest, focusing on the unwavering beat of his heart and willing his own to match it. His skin was soft and warm and comforting, the weight of his arm around Lelouch's shoulder grounding. He cursed himself for not doing this sooner. If he had, then even if he couldn't make the moment last forever, it would at least stretch longer than it could now, what with so little time left.

Suzaku wouldn't forgive Lelouch for his selfishness, and he wouldn't be able to blame him for it. After all, he knew he wouldn't forgive himself, either. The die had been cast now, though, the move locked in. It was impossible to change the past, their actions could never be undone. They could only ever continue moving grimly forward into whatever wretched future awaited them.