Chapter Text
Tsukasa had learned to cope with loneliness ever since he was a kid.
It began with comfort. Parents holding him close, even Saki offering him a much-needed hug. Conversations about not being alone, about being loved, about being important.
Work could not be postponed forever.
When his parents no longer had much time between work and the hospital, he discovered ignorance could be bliss. Any sadness could be driven away with distractions. A new story, a song he'd learned on the piano, a sewing project he was preparing just for Saki. There were small joys in the world, and Tsukasa made his life circulate around them until it felt numb.
And when it was numb, he continued.
It was a popular saying that a fake smile could always be seen. But it was so much easier to put on a fake smile by fooling yourself into thinking it's real.
Make it reach your eyes, and it'll look real.
He could fool Saki, which meant she didn't have to bear the weight of his sadness. He could fool his parents— it was flawless. They were already stressed, and he didn't want to add to that stress.
Yet, even when those days were over, once the house had life to it once again…
That smile remained.
It had changed from a lie to exaggeration. He no longer used it in lieu of confiding in people, because the loss of memories was a horrible thing he didn't want to relive.
He only used it to make his happiness more vibrant. The smile mended itself to become a part of him.
It only meant that he never re-learned to ask for comfort.
Fortunately, it wasn't like he really needed that. In company, he didn't feel bad. Each show was a new experience, each conversation with his friends a reminder of the joy he'd found. Each day waking up to noise meant a day in the present, not in the past.
-
Sometimes…
The night was different.
Silence could be nice. Giving him a chance to sort through his thoughts after a good day. More time to linger on a character in a play, analysing them better and better as he improved.
…
…Lately, the pain had been returning.
It had lasted longer than usual. As opposed to a bad night, it became a bad week.
He couldn't remember the last time he was held.
It only haunted him in that inescapable silence.
He'd felt this way in the past. He usually found comfort in the few plushies on his bed. It involved holding it under the covers (because frankly, at his age, hugging a plushie was a humiliating thing he didn't want to be seen doing) and pretending it was alive. It was easier to imagine, knowing such a thing was possible in the SEKAI.
Unfortunately, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't just hug the SEKAI plushies. He didn't think half the VIRTUAL SINGERS would keep such a sight secret.
…You could only hold a lifeless ball of fluff for so long before it just felt pathetic.
It was hard to sleep that night.
-
When that horrible week turned into two, he bought a weighted blanket, instead.
If the plushies felt absurd, then this was even more weird. He was the farthest thing from lonely. Why did he buy it?
Nighttime had come, and the confusion that usually came with this empty feeling remained. He had everything his child self could have wanted. There wasn't a reason to feel so bad anymore.
And yet, crawling under the blanket and closing his eyes felt right.
It felt much closer to the feeling he'd been seeking with the plushies. Was this what it felt like to sleep with someone beside you? Feeling this weight the entire time? Could it really be so nice?
It glued him to the bed in a way that made him want to do nothing but stay. To close his eyes, and indulge himself.
The closest thing to the comfort he couldn't ask for.
A day like any other. School, practice, the warmth in his home that now felt like routine.
He could seldom understand why this physical pressure felt needed.
-
Nothing had changed.
Daily life was still the same. The days felt as bright as ever, and his joy never felt fake.
Tsukasa didn't understand what was making his nights worse.
He slept normally, sleep schedule having become unbreakable over the years.
He wished he knew why evenings filled him with dread.
One of those days, he had enough. Entering the SEKAI.
His mind took him exactly where he wanted— the backstage. Away from any eyes. No shows were planned at the moment, to his knowledge.
Oddly enough, despite that, most of the plushies were already gathered there.
Not knowing if somebody was on stage, Tsukasa didn't say a word, only staring. Upon noticing his presence, multiple plushies flew right over. They didn't say a word either, clinging to him without question.
Could the SEKAI sense his feelings? The blond felt some tension fall away from his shoulders.
Eventually, he noticed who had been surrounded prior. A dog plushie with a star patch on its leg.
Unlike the rest, it didn't follow, only leaning against the few that remained.
…
The ache in his chest got worse at the sight.
He scooted closer, picking the dog up to hold it against his chest. His hand moved up to brush the fur on top of its head.
It melted against him with a small whine. It was a reaction so familiar that his sigh came out strained.
The SEKAI wasn't particularly cold, but he still felt that the many plushies around him served as a protective barrier from the surroundings.
Quiet breaths. For once, he could hear more than his own. He didn't know they could breathe. It was comforting.
Somehow, for the first time since he was a child, falling asleep was accompanied with more than just a semblance of comfort. They weighed far less than that blanket, but the feeling of fuzzy textures nuzzling into him was something real.
He didn't have to imagine holding something living. The plushies came close enough to that.
When he placed his head on the dogs, it reciprocated with a friendly growl, repositioning itself just a little to rest comfortably against his chest.
Tsukasa's smile was a tiny one, but for once, it came entirely naturally. Resting his eyes couldn't hurt. Nobody would find him here, and nobody from the troupe had any business visiting the backstage now or in the morning.
Hidden away from the sight of anyone who would matter.
-
Tsukasa woke up to…
…Being sideways.
Only… he should have woken up from such a fall.
He opened his eyes.
The dog was still in his arms. Every other plushie surrounded him.
There was a hand carding through his hair.
Huh…? No, that couldn't be right.
“Good morning, Tsukasa-kun.” A drowsy voice above him.
Luka.
“Huh? Where are we?”
“There's no need to lie.”
That shut him up, though he remained tense. He'd been found out.
“The dog plushie has been under the weather for a while. You can rest— It'll be our little secret.”
He wanted to play it up a little more, but the offer gave him pause. If this didn't make it to any other members… “Are you… sure?”
“I won't mind a nap myself.” She smiled.
…
…
“…Okay.” He shuffled a little closer.
His eyes fell shut.
…
It was… nice.
Maybe that was because he was only half-awake, feeling too tired to worry. But unlike every temporary source of comfort, Luka was warm. A hand found its way into his hair, and it was just as warm.
Like a real person. Just like the plushies, the VIRTUAL SINGERS even breathed, but it sounded like a person and not a barely audible animal.
Maybe the closest he'd ever get to closure. He couldn't cherish it as long as he wished to, though. Not in such a sleepy state.
The last thing he registered before dozing off was the way he tilted his head closer to the hand.
He could pretend. That he was being held by a real person.