Chapter Text
So I started writing a oneshot collection on Tairazuma stuff, then as I wrote, I came to the realisation that a lot of the ideas for the oneshot could become a story in its own right.
I hope you all enjoy this
Taira Shuji had a problem.
And no, he wasn’t referring to the blank page on the computer screen in front of him that was supposed to be turned into a minimum of five paragraphs demonstrating his understanding of the basics of financial accounting (why was he still dealing with math in university anyway? Stupid electives.)
Or maybe it was related, in the sense that it was a compounding problem, and the difficulty he had with completing the assessment was related to the overall malaise he’d found himself in.
He took a deep breath.
He was away from home. Away from his old social circle, away from his old life. He’d been excited about it, at first. Honestly, it would’ve been odd not to be. A clean break, a fresh start.
But then it had set in. A creeping melancholy. An unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Is this homesickness?
He missed his friends. Suzuki, Yamada and Nabe’s loud energy had been overbearing at times, but now, in the quiet of his room, he found himself missing their cheer.
Satou, always cool and collected, always observing and watching, always ready with a quick remark to bring the three stooges back down to earth when their plans started getting too grandiose.
Tani’s quiet, straightforward nature that had always rubbed him the wrong way – but at the same time had always been able to cut through the darkness whenever Taira found himself spiralling, to point out the most salient points to resolving whatever issue he found himself in.
He missed his parents. Home.
He even missed his little sister, her rolling eyes, her snide remarks.
He missed-
Azuma.
It had barely been a month since she’d seen him off at the train station, the two of them sharing a tender smile as they waved goodbye to each other. They’d promised to visit, to hang out as often as was feasible, but they both knew there would be a distance between them now.
Yeah, it had barely been a month. And her absence hung over everything, a presence in and of itself. He would make a remark, snarking or grumping at unexpected inconveniences, and a half-second would pass as he waited for Azuma’s rejoinder before reality reasserted itself and he remembered that she wasn’t anywhere near. Whenever he tried a new dish, whether from the eateries around campus or his own attempts at cooking, he’d lift his eyes, half-expecting to see her laughing at the food and the unexpected taste. Whenever he left the campus for the day, he wondered where she was, and how she was doing at that moment.
Look at me, clinging on to her memory like that. If she could see me right now…
Once upon a time, he’d have believed that she would think of him as pathetic, creepy, or both.
Now he knew, with a bone-deep certainty, that she would have smiled, and nodded, and told him she knew how it felt, that she’d been there. Then she might have laughed, and suggested doing something fun together, to take their mind off heavier topics, and to catch up.
It was comfortable, being with her. Being with someone who accepted you so fully. Like an old, worn sweater that fit you just right.
And maybe that was why. That comfort was gone, now.
Oh, they texted each other, they’d video-called a couple of times. But it still wasn’t enough, not really.
Okay, get a grip, Shuji. One hand reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He took in another deep breath, holding it for a long moment before releasing it through his mouth. Stop spiralling. Stop getting lost in your own thoughts. It doesn’t help anyone.
He still found himself catastrophizing and pondering worst-case scenarios, but of late, at least he was getting better at realizing the tell-tale signs and was usually able to pull himself out of the tailspin before it got too bad.
Usually.
It wasn’t like university life was all bad. Living away from his family was lonely, yes. But freeing, too. Life on his own terms (just try not to think too much about the budget).
And he had been able to make friends as well. Subaru, who appeared to move through life at a relaxed, slow pace, his lazy smile a seemingly permanent fixture. Mitsu, sharp of eye and tongue, always ready for a debate and to make her opinions heard.
They’d first met each other during their first tutorial on The History of Modern Japan, and had hit it off well enough that they’d agreed to go out for lunch together afterwards. And just like that, Taira had made new friends.
New friends who had, in some small way, had contributed to the problem he was now facing.
It had been earlier in the day, the three of them leaving the lecture hall and complaining about the amount of readings that had been assigned to them this week.
A soft ding on Taira’s phone had alerted him to a new message. He’d pulled it out, checked the contents and with a shake of his head and a smile, he’d typed out a quick reply and shoved the phone back in his pocket.
“Was that Azuma?” Subaru quirked an eyebrow, and his smile was now inquisitive.
“Yeah. She found some pictures of kittens hiding in weird places and sent them to me.”
“She sure keeps in touch with you a lot, doesn’t she?”
“Mm.” He didn’t mind discussing Azuma with them, not really. But they’d never met her and he wasn’t confident enough in his oratory skills to tell them about her so that they’d get the right idea about her. The last thing he wanted was to give them the wrong impression about the sort of person Azuma was like.
“Well, once we get some free time we should all arrange to meet up,” at his other side, Mitsu pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “You’ve told us so much about her, I feel like I already know her myself.”
Wait. Huh? Have I really-
“Yeah, yeah!” Subaru nodded once. “We’ve gotta reassure her, you know. Gotta let Azuma see for herself that we’re treating her boyfriend right.”
WHAT?
“No! What?” he sputtered, looking back and forth between the two of them. “I’m not her boyfriend! Where did you even get that idea?!”
“You’re not?” Mitsu raised an eyebrow. She tapped a finger on her chin, once, twice. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“Sorry man. I just assumed,” Subaru raised a hand in a gesture of apology.
“You two are impossible,” Taira sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “Whatever, let’s just go. My next class is on the other end of the campus.”
And so it had went. The three had split up, the matter had been quickly forgotten and the rest of the day had progressed as usual.
And now here he was, staring at the ceiling of his room.
Boyfriend… huh?
Now that he was alone, with no other distractions, the thought kept winding its way through his mind.
Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Dating. Couples.
Love.
Azuma.
He squeezed his eyes shut, only now realizing that he had unconsciously clenched his teeth enough that they hurt.
He took another deep breath, tried not to think about glimmering blue eyes that shone with unshed tears. Tried not to think of smiles that brightened the room merely by their presence. Tried not to think of laughter that rang loud and clear and made his heartbeat quicken.
Tried.
He released his breath again, a long and weary exhalation.
Taira Shuji had a problem.
(X)
Azuma Shino had a problem.
Many problems, actually. Too much homework and a shockingly bad grade on her first literature assignment were just the latest to be added to the pile, but hey, she could roll with those.
The main problem was one that had been simmering quite a bit longer and refused to be cast into the corner. No, instead it stomped about on its metaphorical feet, shoving her other problems around and generally making a nuisance of itself that could not be ignored.
The problem was, of course, her unrequited crush on Taira.
“Whoever said ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ didn’t know the half of it,” she groused.
“It’s still eating away at you, isn’t it?” Satou’s voice was muffled, her head turned away from her phone’s camera. But a moment later she turned back around to give her full attention to the call.
“… I miss him,” it sounded pathetic, this small admission of hers, but it was no less than the truth. “I hope he’s doing okay. Better than me, anyway. My workload is killing me.”
“You know you can video-call him, right? Ask him how he’s doing?”
“Taira doesn’t do online. At least, not very much of it.” And Azuma knew that, because attempts to find his digital footprint had turned up a painfully neglected instagram account and their chats on LINE. She didn’t want to push him out of his comfort zone or force him to dedicate more time to social media if he didn’t want to, so she mostly stuck to text messaging and sending him the occasional set of pictures. At the least, he seemed comfortable enough with that, almost always replying within the hour.
“Mm,” Satou’s hum was noncommittal. “And so you chose me to talk to instead.”
“Pleeeeeease, Satou! You’re the only one I can vent to about this!” And it had been that way ever since Satou had discovered the identity of her secret crush.
It had been about a week after their graduation ceremony. Azuma and her friends from 3-1 had arranged an outing to commemorate graduating and to discuss the universities they would be heading off to.
Azuma had expected a fun day out, a lighthearted and carefree trip to the mall and various eateries, surrounding by laughter and idle conversation.
And then Toyoda had asked the question.
“Soooo, did anything happen between you and Taira when you snuck off during graduation?”
“Eh?”
Azuma had felt her smile freeze on her face, as she tried to think of a way to deflect from the conversation. Before she could do that, however, had come Satou’s baffled utterance.
“Taira? Taira is who you’ve been talking to me about all this time?!”
Azuma let out a sigh as she remembered herself flushing a deep dark red and turning away, unable to look Satou in the eye.
“I’ll admit I was surprised at first,” Satou’s voice, now calmer and faintly amused, came once more from the phone on her desk, bringing her back to the present. “But after I thought about it for a while it made a surprising amount of sense, notwithstanding your usual taste in guys. You two were always really comfortable with each other, after all.”
“It hasn’t been my ‘usual taste in guys’ for two years, now. Two and a half, even,” Azuma’s counter remark was weak and easily shrugged off.
“Anyway, you know me being the ‘only one’ you can vent to is completely self-imposed, right? You could tell Suzuki or Yamada any time. They’d keep your secret – and also they actually have experience in this area.”
“No.” The denial is automatic. "I didn’t – I don’t want to tell anyone,” Azuma sighed and lowered her head. “I wanted to keep it all to myself. But tonight I just…”
Tonight she’d been feeling restless. And then the feelings had come bubbling up again. The feelings about what she had with Taira. About what she wanted to have with Taira. And it had ended up spilling over once more, wrecking her ability to focus.
“Azuma, let me say this. I don’t mind being your sounding board. I really don’t. You’re my friend, and I want to help you through this,” there was a pause, and then a sigh. “But I also don’t want to see you stuck like this. If this really is becoming a problem, then you need to change something because this holding pattern is just hurting you.”
And that’s one of the reasons why Azuma was glad that Satou is the one who knows, out of all their friends. Because Satou gave her advice, as plain and unvarnished as she could make it.
“I know,” Azuma said, her voice soft. “I know.”
The call ended shortly after, the two of them bidding each other farewells and good nights.
Alone in the darkness of her room, Azuma grabbed her phone once more, opening up her photos. She thumbed through them, scrolling wistfully through her collection.
Azuma and Taira, at the school culture festival. Behind school, holding their graduation yearbooks. Singing karaoke.
Azuma and Taira.
She closed her eyes, letting a bitter smile play across her face.
Azuma Shino had a problem.
Chapter End
Author’s Note: You’ll note I’m following manga continuity on the Satou Realization Scene so it took place before university started for all of them. In most cases though I’ll be writing it as a combination of both stories since there’s very little between either version that disagrees with the other.
Thanks for reading! Comments and reviews are always welcome!