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Sister Julienne looked at the watch on her wrist. 11:30pm.
She hadn’t been able to sleep. There wasn’t any reason to be up so late and unable to sleep. But, every time she closed her eyes, she couldn’t drift to sleep. 5 minutes became 10, 10 became 30, 30 minutes then became an hour.
The breathing and snoring of the other Sisters hadn’t helped. Each second that ticked by, she became more aware of the sounds around her. Every rustle and movement became more prominent.
Eventually, she couldn’t bear it and she crept away towards the kitchen. She may as well make herself a cup of Horlicks if she couldn’t fall asleep.
The corridors were illuminated by nothing but the moon and its beams that cascaded through the windows, dancing on the floor. There was a sense of ease as Sister Julienne navigated through to the kitchen, silence filling the otherwise busy Mother House. She took her time, revelling in the quiet.
Stopping by a window, she could just make out the moon’s reflection bobbing between the small waves of the sea. She watched for a few moments, taking in the sight of it. As much she adored the East End, it was a nice change to see the natural world over the same few buildings that were outside of her window at Nonnatus.
It felt heavenly to have a moment to be enjoying the calm of the night without worrying about a phone ring breaking the silence.
Turning from the window, Sister Julienne continued down the corridor. The only sounds now were the occasional hoots from passing owls, and her feet hitting the wooden floors
Switching on the lights of the kitchen, Sister Julienne looked around for any other signs of life. No one was there. Sighing in relief, she grabbed a pan, retrieved the milk, and searched for the Horlicks powder.
The clock ticked as Sister Julienne watched the milk start to heat up. Her thoughts swirled, focusing on various things.
With Sister Catherine’s First Vows approaching, Sister Julienne hadn’t much else to think about. There were small jobs to do round the Mother House, but with the many other Sisters, it had been easier to get things done.
It had been nice to be involved with a new member of the order, even if there was only one. She hadn’t met many of the other postulants and novices since Sister Francis left three years ago.
Now that she wasn’t in the midst of so many tasks at once, she could fully take in what was going on. A smile danced on her lips as she thought of Sister Catherine’s future. Even if the order couldn’t be what it was before, if it managed survived any longer, Sister Catherine had far to go and she would do well.
Focusing back on the milk, Sister Julienne took it off the stove once it had finished heating up. Pouring it into a cup with the Horlicks powder, she went to sit. Carefully, she pulled out a chair, not wanting it to echo and disrupt the quiet.
Just as she sat down, a quiet voice came from behind her.
“Why are you down here, Sister?” Sister Hilda stood at the door.
The sudden appearance gave Sister Julienne a small fright, she had been completely unaware that anyone else had come in. She couldn’t make out the expression on Sister Hilda’s face in the dark, but she guessed it was quizzical.
“I couldn’t sleep” Sister Julienne turned to face Sister Hilda completely, who slowly approached.
“May I sit with you?”
Sister Julienne gave a nod, and turned back. She placed her arms on the table, careful to avoid her cup, “could you not sleep?”
Sister Hilda shook her head. “I managed to fall asleep, but I woke up for some reason and couldn’t get back to sleep.”
They sat in silence for a few moments. Sister Hilda twiddled her thumbs as she stared out the window at the end of the room. Her mind seemed elsewhere, the outside world of little interest to her, despite where her eyes gazed.
Sister Julienne watched her as she drank her Horlicks. Typically, she avoided staring at others, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. Even with the lack of visibility, she could just about make out Sister Hilda’s features. Her eyes seemed almost illuminated by the moon, it fascinated Sister Julienne.
“Do you ever think..” Sister Hilda paused for a moment, turning her head to look at Sister Julienne, “do you ever think about what life would be if you hadn’t joined the order?”
“I haven’t in a few years, no” Sister Julienne titled her head to the right, “have you been thinking that lately?”
Sister Hilda nodded, it had been playing on her mind since Sister Julienne had arrived. “It’s been on my mind recently. With Sister Catherine’s first vows approaching, I’ve found myself wondering about if I had made the right choice.”
“Do you feel as though God is calling you somewhere else?” Sister Julienne felt her heart break ever so slightly. She hoped Sister Hilda wasn’t going to leave.
“No” Sister Hilda looked down at her hands, “but I wonder why He chose me, and when I look at Sister Catherine, so young and full of life, I get reminded of how I was; full of dreams and desires to make the world right.”
“He chose you for a reason” Sister Julienne smiled, “and I’m very glad He did.”
Sister Hilda looked up, smiling shyly. She was grateful to be in the order and what it had taught her, but she still questioned her place. Namely, because of the woman across from her.
It was hard not to admit how much she admired Sister Julienne. When she was stuck in the train during the crash some three years ago, it took everything in Sister Hilda not to run out on the mother she was assisting. It was a relief to hear Sister Julienne was found alive and would be receiving immediate care.
When she was called away to Mother House and made to stay, what Sister Hilda missed most was the warmth of Sister Julienne’s presence, especially during the winter months.
With Sister Catherine’s vows now on the brink, the Mother House became much warmer. How her heart ached for it, to return to Poplar when it would leave.
Hearing Sister Julienne’s voice for the first time in many, many months, felt like a blessing. They say the heart grows fonder with distance, and it was no more true than now. She missed the late night talks they would have when neither could sleep, talking about the mothers, the deliveries if one had just come back from one, what each of their days had been, or about anything that came to mind. Sometimes, they would sit in silence, enjoying each others company. They needn’t say a word at times, the words had written themselves.
“Why did you leave?” her voice trembled as she spoke. Sister Julienne was thankful that the dark blanketed her eyes. They stung with unshed tears.
“Hm?”
“Why did you leave Poplar?” why did you leave me was what she wanted to ask. When Sister Julienne returned back from Nonnatus after the hospital discharged her, the person she most wanted to see was Sister Hilda, only for her to have vanished with no one providing her with a real answer. When Mother Mildred informed her that Sister Hilda was needed at the Mother House and wouldn’t be returning, she felt lost.
Sister Hilda was quiet. The real reason for her departure wasn’t one she could share, but she didn’t have the heart to tell a lie to Sister Julienne. “I felt..I felt as though God was calling me back, me being needed was as much of a surprise to me as I assume it was for you.”
“It was” Sister Julienne bowed her head, “I wanted to see you more than I wanted anyone else.” Shame and guilt filled her. She had prayed and prayed, with no resolution. When she realised that God wouldn’t answer her, she gave up trying. What she felt was there for a reason, and if God didn’t want her to feel it, He would put a stop to it.
“I wanted to see you, too” Sister Hilda said, playing with her ring, “but, vow of obedience, I can’t refuse His will.”
“But so soon? And without a goodbye?” Sister Julienne leant forward, some of her tears now falling. “I just wanted to see you, even if it was the last time.”
Sister Hilda felt a pang of regret in her chest. “I’m sorry, but it would have been too much.”
“What would have been too much?” Sister Julienne asked.
“Saying goodbye..” Sister Hilda whispered, “to you, especially in front of everyone, I couldn’t have beared it.”
“And so you left me” it wasn’t a question nor a stab. But Sister Hilda could hear the heartbreak and disappointment. “You left me without saying anything.”
Sister Hilda stood up. She didn’t want to be reminded of what had been torturing her since she left. When she came to the Mother House, she was hoping to forget her love. If she was away from Sister Julienne, she wouldn’t feel tempted. But after three whole years, her heart had grown so fond and so guilty. Every day, she regretted saying nothing and had written dozens of letters. None of them were sent. What would Sister Julienne think if she sent the contents of her heart? There would be disgust, and no attempt to keep contact. Her mind whispered to her the words she never wanted to hear as she slept.
“I kept my peace” Sister Hilda gazed her eyes low, “I wasn’t going to tell you to keep how we were as it was, I couldn’t live with myself if I were honest.”
“So you chose silence” Sister Julienne got to her feet, straightening herself as best she could, “Sister, you know silence never resolves anything, it can make things worse if anything.”
“I feel a fool” Sister Hilda muttered, “but I can’t change what I did, and neither can you, so please, leave it behind us.”
Sister Julienne raised her hand to Sister Hilda’s chin, lifting it so that Sister Hilda would look into what she make of her eyes. “I don’t want to leave it behind me, I don’t want secrets, or lies, or silence between us.” She stroked Sister Hilda’s chin with her thumb. Even after their 3 years of silence, she never once forgot the beauty that kept her up some nights. She would dream of the day they would be reunited. When they were and she could feel Sister Hilda’s arms around her, she felt complete. The final piece of her back in her grasp.
Sister Hilda grabbed Sister Julienne’s hand, planting a soft kiss on her palm. She leaned on the table. In the dark, there was no way to see her eyes properly. But, oh, how they appeared in her mind. They haunted her and followed wherever. When she was at Poplar, she would wish to have them on her at all times. During recreation, she couldn’t keep her own pair off of Sister Julienne. She drank her in as if they wouldn’t see her again the next day.
There were times she wanted to grab Sister Julienne’s rope belt and pull her back to Sister Hilda’s arms. Once, she tried to, but her mind regained itself, and so she held it gently as she watched the Sister-in-charge walk away. Her heart continued to pine in the Mother House, crying out for someone who wasn’t there. It was guilt that had driven her away, and guilt that pushed her back.
“I just wanted you” Sister Hilda started to tear up herself, “I wanted you for myself, and no one else, just the two of us.”
Sister Julienne could feel her heart start to beat, ready to burst out of her chest. She cupped Sister Hilda’s cheek. She wanted nothing more than to hear those words. Four years of her life had been spent loving someone under the same roof as her, and the last three longing when she left. To hear the same thoughts aloud to her felt like the Heavens opened up. She just wanted as any human would want. She thought of herself as an unworthy sinner, undeserving of all good that came her way. But, she couldn’t feel that about herself now. She was wanted.
“Why do you think I came here?” Sister Julienne whispered, “you were here, and Sister Catherine’s vows gave me reason to see you again.”
She moved around the table, coming to stand beside Sister Julienne. Desperation took ahold of her. Nothing else filled her mind nearly as much as Sister Julienne did. Being at the Mother House, surrounded by her fellow Sisters, helped her realise that and accept it. She would look for Sister Julienne’s face in every single Sister that she passed. At choir and offices, her heart fell as opposed to floating to the heavens because someone was missing.
Sister Julienne grabbed Sister Hilda’s hips, pulling her in. Like she did with Sister Hilda’s cheek, she stroked her thumbs along her hips. “I love you, Pamela” she placed a gentle kiss on Sister Hilda’s lips, “but, I don’t want to be left in silence.”
Sister Hilda smiled at the use of her name, cupping Sister Julienne’s neck. “I’m sorry I left you, and I did write” her flicked down to Sister Julienne’s lips, “fear got the better of me.”
She leaned in. There wasn’t a moment to waste. Both of them had waited for far too long, fearing the worst, and hoping for something better. They didn’t separate until their lungs were screaming for air. When they did, they rested their foreheads against each other, grinning like two cats who had successfully found the milk.
“I love you, too” Sister Hilda said, placing her hands on Sister Julienne’s temples. Her fingers itched to brush Sister Julienne’s hair. She planted a kiss on her forehead. The moon came in through the small of the window, illumining the kitchen. It wasn’t until then that they truly saw each other. “Louise..” her fingers played with the edge of Sister Julienne’s cap, hoping that she didn’t need to explain.
Sister Julienne wrapped her arms fully around Sister Hilda’s waist, nodding her permission. Sister Hilda removed the cap, seeing the short, greyish hair fall away. Her fingers entangled themselves immediately. She very rarely saw Sister Julienne’s hair. The only time she had was when Sister Julienne hadn’t worn her cap as she left the bathroom after her bath. Ever since then, she dreamt of her without her wimple and cap almost every night.
They spoke little. By the time they were ready for bed, it was 1am. Sister Julienne wrapped her arm around Sister Hilda, intertwining their fingers as they walked down the corridors. No one else would be awake, so they had no fear of being see. Once they got to the sleeping quarters of the Sisters, they unlinked. If they were quiet, there would be no suspicion of them.
Leading up to Sister Catherine’s vows, they met almost nightly. Their dark circles would raise eyebrows, but they explained every question with the simple answer of preparing for the new Sister to join their ranks. And each time, only a suspicious nod, followed by a quick glance, was all they got. No one asked, and no one needed to know.
When it was time for Sister Julienne to leave, she and Sister Hilda went for an early morning walk. They hadn’t met the night before, agreeing that sleep would take priority. When they were further away from the Mother House, just enough for no prying eyes, they held hands. Gentle waves smacked the shore line, seagulls calling out for each other.
“Promise me you will send me letters” Sister Julienne came to a spot, tugging Sister Hilda’s hand to spin her around.
Sister Hilda raised her small finger, “I promise.” She kissed Sister Julienne’s small finger when theirs hooked, smiling as she blushed. “I have some for you already,” she pulled out a bundle of letters that were tied with string, “they’re the ones I never sent, read them in your own time.”
Sister Julienne hid them in her pocket. She grabbed Sister Hilda’s other hand and lifted the two up to her lips, kissing every knuckle with as much affection as she could. With each kiss, she made a silent promise to herself.
The walk back was solemn. They spoke of no particular subject the whole way back, hands still linked until the Mother House came into view. The others were waiting for Sister Julienne. Sister Catherine stood front and centre, smiling proudly. She wouldn’t be out of energy, not for a few weeks yet. Despite being the only one to move on to the Noviciate, Sister Catherine had hope in her future, and it was written all over her face.
Goodbyes were said, and hugs given. Sister Julienne had to remind herself not to bury her face into Sister Hilda’s shoulder, that she had given as much affection as she could already. The face Sister Hilda made as she disappeared round the corner was etched into Sister Julienne’s face. But, the letters pressed into her and reminded her it was yet to be over. They still had each other in mind and spirit. There was no need to fret over what expression she last saw, she could imagine the smile she adored as many times as she wished as she read the letters back at Nonnatus. As soon as she finished them, she would write her own. As big as she could get to fit into an envelope, filled with a response to each gifted letter.
Love is patient, love is kind.