Chapter Text
Its currently 9:03 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Kunikida hated Tuesdays. He hated Mondays because they were Mondays, Wednesdays because they were too close to Thursdays, Thursdays because Fridays were not happening quickly enough, and Fridays because Dazai tended to become particularly unbearable in anticipation of the weekend.
But Tuesdays?
Tuesdays were when the universe remembered Kunikida existed and decided to personally inconvenience him.
"Dazai... Dazai!"
A suspicious giggle came from beneath his desk.
"Tell my future wife I loved her." Kunikida closed his notebook and crouched down.
Dazai was lying beneath his desk, wearing a fake mustache, sunglasses, and what appeared to be a paper crown.
"...Why?"
"I'm evading taxes."
"YOU DON'T PAY TAXES!"
"Exactly. They'll never suspect me."
Kunikida stood up, he took a deep breath and counted to ten
Then he counted to twenty. He considered the philosophical implications of murder.
Then he kicked Dazai's leg.
"GET OUT FROM UNDER MY DESK!"
"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! HELP! I'M A VICTIM!"
Atsushi, who had made the unfortunate mistake of arriving early, stood frozen in the doorway with a bag of convenience-store rice balls.
He had been working at the Agency for long enough to know that some things were better left unacknowledged. This was not one of those things.
"What happened?"
"Dazai happened," Kunikida snapped.
"Oh."
Atsushi nodded solemnly. "Should I call the police?"
"I AM THE POLICE!" Dazai announced from the floor.
"No, you're unemployed," Kunikida replied.
Ranpo, who had materialized beside Atsushi at some point, stole a rice ball from his bag. "He's technically employed."
Kunikida stared at him and Ranpo just chewed. Then with his mouth full of rice balls repeated "Technically."
"I HATE ALL OF YOU."
"That's not very professional," Yosano remarked, entering the office with a cup of coffee. "You should consider therapy."
"I'M GOING TO NEED A THERAPIST WHO SPECIALIZES IN MASS CASUALTIES."
"Great! I'll give you a referral."
"WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?"
Yosano smiled sweetly. "Medical school does stuff to people"
Kunikida decided he was going to start drinking.
He didn't drink. But he was going to start. Then a mail arrived. Among the usual bills, case reports, and a suspiciously glittery envelope addressed to Fukuzawa, there was a large pink letter with a heart sticker on it.
And it was addressed to:
THE ARMED DETECTIVE AGENCY. MY FAVORITE LITTLE WORKAHOLICS
Kunikida stared at it. Ranpo leaned over his shoulder. "Oh, that's from the government."
"...What?"
"No, I'm kidding." Ranpo then began opening it
"RANPO!"
He read aloud."'Dear esteemed colleagues! In the spirit of fostering positive relationships between Yokohama's various professional organizations, the city council has introduced a mandatory Workplace Wellness and Team-Building Initiative. All participating organizations must host one collaborative team-building activity with a rival organization of their choice. Failure to comply will result in a temporary suspension of the organization's operating permits.'"
Everyone was dead silent. Then Dazai emerged from beneath Kunikida's desk. His sunglasses glinted.His fake mustache was crooked.His smile was terrifying and he said "Oh"
"Oh no," Atsushi whispered.
Dazai slapped the desk. "WE'RE INVITING THE PORT MAFIA."
Kunikida grabbed him by the collar. "WE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT INVITING THE PORT MAFIA!"
........................... (idk how to transition from that)
At 10:17 a.m., Chuuya received a letter.
It was pink.
It had a heart sticker on it. And Chuuya stared at it for a full thirty seconds before calling his subordinates. "Who the hell sent this?"
He opened it and his eye twitched.
DEAR CHUUYA-POO,
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED FOR A FUN AND FRIENDLY TEAM-BUILDING EXERCISE WITH YOUR FAVORITE BANDAGED BASTARD!
ACTIVITY: TRUST FALLS!
LOCATION: ARMED DETECTIVE AGENCY!
DRESS CODE: SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE AND LOVED!
P.S. BRING SNACKS. KUNIKIDA SAYS YOU PEOPLE AREN'T ALLOWED TO BRING GUNS.
P.P.S. I'M LYING. BRING GUNS.
LOVE AND KISSES,YOUR DEAR FRIEND, DAZAI OSAMU ♡
Chuuya slowly lowered the letter.
Then he stood up and walked to the nearest wall, and hit his head against it.
Not once.
Not twice.
Three times.
"Boss?" one of his subordinates asked nervously.
"I'm going to kill him."
"Who's him?"
Chuuya turned. The subordinate immediately regretted being born. "HOW MANY BANDAGED IDIOTS DO YOU THINK I KNOW?!"
Across the city, Mori Ougai was having a perfectly pleasant morning. He had tea. he had paperwork.
And he had absolutely no idea that his former executive had just invited half the Port Mafia to a mandatory workplace wellness seminar.
This peace lasted until Kouyou Ozaki entered his office.
"Boss."
"Yes, Kouyou?"
"Why has the Armed Detective Agency sent us an invitation to a trust-building exercise?"
Mori blinked. Then he smiled. "Oh, how charming."
Kouyou placed the letter on his desk. And while mori read it his smile slowly disappeared. "Is this a threat?"
"I believe it's an invitation."
"To a trust fall?"
"Yes."
Mori stared at the ceiling. Somewhere, in the depths of the Port Mafia headquarters, Chuuyas screams could be heard.
Mori sighed. "Tell Chuuya to attend."
Kouyou's eyebrows rose. "You're serious?"
"Of course. If we refuse, the city council might suspend our operating permits."
"We are a criminal organization."
"Yes, and apparently an organization that must comply with municipal wellness regulations."
He took another sip of tea. "Besides, I would love to see what Dazai has planned."
Kouyou stared at him. "You're enjoying this."
"A little."
"You're going to regret it."
"Almost certainly."