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“Who are you? Who are these people? You didn’t tell me about a book that you wrote, and now everyone’s saying you’re some sort of crazy ghost hunter.”
Erin couldn’t quite resist rolling her eyes, more than a little impatient for this discussion with Phil to be over. There was a ghost on the loose, and actual ghost, and Erin was more than a little eager to get her hands on it. It was the final thing she needed, the final bit of actual proof, the last piece in the puzzle that would prove to everyone she wasn’t crazy.
Unfortunately, it seemed like Phil wasn’t even close to done with this, the man obviously insistent at having Erin explain herself. As if she were the one who’d done something wrong here.
“Okay, well, first of all; that’s wrong. We don’t hunt ghosts, we stalk them, and we’re very close to trapping one soon. And then we’re gonna study it, and do reports on it.” She sounded more than a little smug as she spoke, the excitement of the knowledge that she had been right all along like a drug in her veins. “It’s serious, we’re doing important work!”
But Erin had barely finished that sentence when Holtzmann came driving up in… Well, what she assumed had once been Patty’s uncle’s hearse. Only now it looked more like something out of a comic book. It was an improvement to the dreary black, sure, but it hardly screamed ‘serious’, which was what Erin had claimed not 5 seconds ago.
When she turned back to face Phil, he had simply raised a brow, fixing her with a look that screamed ‘skepticism’, and that’s when Erin decided she’d had enough. She’d had enough of not being believed, of being ignored, of being continuously doubted and set aside by someone who claimed to love her. She deserved better, and if he wasn’t going to listen to her, she was going to show him. That was apparently the only way people like him seemed to get the message.
“Besides, I’ve met someone else. Someone who treats me a lot better than you do. So goodbye, sir, and a good day to you.” And with that, she marched over towards the vehicle, her heart racing in her chest at the realization of what she was about to do.
But then again, it was for a good cause. They had a ghost to catch, and if she didn’t do this, they’d either be standing here for another half hour or they’d decide to leave Erin behind. Neither option sounded very appealing.
“Sorry I’m late, baby!”
Erin’s voice was purposely a little louder than necessary, just to make sure her douche of an ex could hear her before she leaned in closer to Holtzmann.
“Please play along.” She mumbled, before she pressed her lips to the engineer’s, free hand cupping her cheek as she pulled Holtzmann closer to her.
Holtzmann, who had been loudly complaining about Erin running late (‘WE ARE LATE! GET IN HERE! YOU’RE KILLING ME!’) when she was pulled further out of the car, Erin’s lips on hers effectively silencing her.
Erin was kissing her… she was kissing her… oh god Holtz, play it cool. You’re cool, you’re good, you got this…
She held on the door frame with one hand, the other one threading through Erin’s hair. The engineer had been frozen at the start, but she remembered being asked to play along. So play along, she did, pulling Erin even closer to her as she kissed her.
When she released Erin, her eyes flicked over her features for a split second before looking to see if that guy was still watching, obviously an ex now that Holtzmann had more information. She let her voice carry just enough. “I love you baby, but get that sweet ass in the car.” She shooed Erin away, leaning out the car to smack Erin’s ass before looking back up and waving at the guy. “BUH-BYE MR. ROGERS!”
Holtzmann sank back into the driver’s seat with a little victory whoop, Erin still a little dazed as she clambered into the car and sat down next to Patty. Her mind was absolutely reeling, even as she shot Phil one last, smug look before shutting the door. The man looked about as stunned as Erin felt, as if the last thing he had expected Erin to be was gay.
(Which she wasn’t. At all. Bisexual, maybe, but no. Just, just no).
In all honesty, she was surprised by how much of a turn an innocent attempt at getting Phil off her back had taken. Because that’s what this had been meant to be. However, it was certainly not what it had eventually become, even if Erin didn’t want to think on that at all. So she pushed those thoughts away, instead leaning over to pat Holtzmann on the shoulder. “Didn’t we have a ghost to catch?”
“Yes, Yes we do.” The blonde grinned, faking a grin and ignoring the look Abby was giving her in the passenger seat as she sped off, swallowing thickly.
What the Hell had just happened… She was in trouble…
****
The bust itself went quite smoothly, all things considered, and by the end of the day they had a ghost trapped in a containment unit. Even in her euphoria, though, Erin noted Holtzmann seemed less excited than the rest of them. Distracted, almost, as if in a daze. She put it down to the engineer just being tired - it had been a long day, after all - but her mood seemed to keep up like that the next day, and Erin couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with Holtzmann, or if she’d done something wrong.
It was Abby who finally alerted her to what was wrong with Holtzmann. Sweet, well-meaning Abby, who happily pointed out just how badly Erin had fucked up the day before. Because apparently, kissing someone as a ruse wasn’t that great of an idea when that person actually had feelings for you. Which, in hindsight, was something she really should have realized sooner.
But Erin had never been quick on the uptake on those issues.
It’s also the reason why it still ended up taking her a good few hours after that to actually talk to Holtzmann. Because while her first instinct had been to just run to Holtzmann, apologize and explain that really, she didn’t like her like that, something had stopped her. Something had made her doubt that statement. Because while Erin was slow on the uptake, she wasn’t completely oblivious; she remembered how she had reacted to that kiss. How nice it had felt.
Kissing Holtzmann had been… different than she had expected. Not that she had been expecting anything, or had even been thinking about kissing Holtzmann, because that would be… Well, wrong, and incorrect, because last she checked she was still straight, but still… She ended up losing herself in the memory of that kiss a little. It had been a very nice kiss, Holtzmann tasting of pringles and something undoubtedly nuclear, and Erin found that she didn’t really want this moment to end.
Found that she kind of wanted to experience that moment again, even.
So instead of immediately running to Holtzmann, she waited. Tried to sort out her thoughts. Ended up with quite the sleepless night over it, too, until she finally decided to head into the office early. Part of her hoped some time alone with a ghost trapped in a containment unit, surrounded by Holtzmann’s gadgets, would provide her with some form of insight.
Unfortunately for Erin, however, she wasn’t the only Ghostbuster suffering from sleepless nights. Holtzmann had found herself unable to sleep as well, the blonde engineer ending up in her lab as her mind had been unable to stop racing as she stared at the ceiling of her apartment. But while the constant work and the upgrading of their packs eased her frantic thoughts, she wasn’t entirely able to put what had happened form her mind.
The blonde had told Abby what was wrong, the smaller woman calling her out on it before she had headed home the night before. Not that it hadn’t been obvious to everyone before. She liked Erin, a lot. It wasn’t much of a secret. … Well, except to Erin, of course. For an alleged genius, the physicist was almost annoyingly oblivious sometimes.
She shoved the thoughts aside, occupying her hands by shaping the metal of the Faraday cages. She barely even noticed that it was 5AM, only being called out on it when she heard someone else enter the lab.
“Did you sleep at all?”
Holtzmann looked up from her machinery, flashing Erin a kind smile as she spoke. “Oh, hey Gilbert. Nah, couldn’t get comfy sooooooo… worky for Holtzy.”
“Holtzmann…” Erin sighed; that familiar, ‘please-take-care-of-yourself-or-you’ll-blow-us-all-up’ sigh reserved just for Holtzmann. She knew that at this rate, she couldn’t change Holtzmann’s mind though, so she let it slide. Besides, she had different things to worry about now.
The engineer, meanwhile, tried to play it cool, having privately resigned herself to being just… Well… The friend. Not that the notion was bad, not in the slightest – Erin was a good friend to have, if she didn’t abandon you - but she understood her place. Even if they were destined to be friends, she was happy to be in the physicist’s life.
Falling for the straight girl, again. Good job, Holtzy.
She finally set her tools down though, wiping her hands off on a spare rag before removing her glasses. “What’s up? That guy show back up?” She was genuinely curious and concerned, not liking how that guy was handling Erin when she pulled up.
Erin bit her lip, shaking her head in response. The physicist had silently and selfishly hoped to have had some more time to think of an appropriate answer or excuse before this topic was brought up, but alas, things rarely went her way in these situations.
“No… I think he got the message this time.” She said, taking a few steps towards Holtzmann. “It’s umm… It’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. If you’ve got a minute?”
Holtzmann swallowed hard and looked over at the equipment, giving it all a once over as she mentally steadied herself for the inevitable blow of being let down gently by Erin. By now, she knew what this was. Abby had tried to help them both, because of course she had, but there were some things that simply weren’t meant to be. She couldn’t be mad at Abby for it… The woman had tried her best.
“Alrighty, that all looks pretty stable. So… What’s up?” Holtzmann pushed her hands in her pockets, leaning back against the table she was using just moments before.
“I, well…” Erin felt her fingers fidgeting at her side, the physicist trying to think of the best way to phrase this. Again, she’d hoped she’d had more time for this, but at this point she was just going to have to wing it.
She just hoped she didn’t screw it up.
“First of all, I want to apologize. For hurting your feelings. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect you, and I’m really sorry about that. But…” Erin took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves.
Take the plunge, Gilbert, it’s now or never.
“I’m not sorry that it happened.”
Holtzmann stood there in a shocked silence, the words sinking in for a moment. So she was sorry, but not sorry… Interesting. The blonde took a step forward, suddenly realizing what this had to mean. Erin Gilbert was doubting her sexuality. The engineer was wondering what that meant when it came to her.
Taking a step towards Erin, Holtzmann raised a brow at her, looking at her curiously. “My question to you… is… do you want to kiss me again?” The engineer wasn’t about to just kiss the woman, knowing how disorienting this had to be for the physicist.
Erin nodded, knowing that at this point lying wouldn’t do either of them any good. Best to have all cards on the table. “I do. I’m honestly not entirely sure what that means… I had actually come here to think about that, but kissing you was… It was nice. More than nice, even.”
Holtzmann nodded, still rooted to the spot as she watched Erin. She understood a lot now. Erin wanted something that she wasn’t even sure she wanted… and that made a lot of sense to the younger woman. The blonde had her crisis years ago when she was around 11 or 12… she couldn’t really imagine what it was like for a fully fledged adult to go through it.
“Erin… I’m not gonna lie to you. Abby was right, I like you… a lot… and…” She took a steadying breath before taking another half a step toward the physicist. “Baby, I would love nothing more than to kiss you every day… but…” She took a deep breath. “I want you to be sure. Think about it. Talk to me if you need to… but if I have something with you, I want it to be serious. Ya know?”
Another nod from Erin, the physicist having very much expected that answer from Holtzmann. Sure, it would have been nice to kiss her again, no strings attached, but she understood the blonde’s feelings. To an extent, at least. She understood that it wasn’t exactly fun to be kissing someone you liked without knowing that that meant, or with it just being an experiment.
That said, the offer for Holtzmann to talk to her was… different. The engineer seemed legitimately concerned with Erin’s feelings, relationship or no, and while Erin wasn’t sure if she was going to take Holtzmann up on that offer, the thought that Holtzmann cared warmed her heart. “Thank you, Holtz.” Erin smiled at her, actually looking a little more relaxed now that there weren’t any expectations or potential ways with which she could fuck this up.
Still, she took a few more steps towards Holtzmann, placing a comforting hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “But you should get some sleep. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have some sort of bed set up here for yourself, and I don’t want you running yourself ragged.”
Holtzmann took that moment to quickly wrap her arms around Erin in a tight hug, effectively surprising Erin. The physicist returned the hug regardless, wrapping her arms around the engineer as she noted the familiar scent of cinnamon and motor oil.
(And when had that smell become ‘familiar’ anyway? Might be something she wanted to look into)
“I’m sorry this isn’t easier…” Was all Holtzmann could murmur out as she pulled away finally, the lingering scent of Erin’s shampoo still in her nose.
Coconuts…
“I’m sorry too.” Erin replied, as she carefully pulled away again. “Now get some sleep, Holtz. I’ll keep an eye on things here.”
The engineer took a deep breath, nodding without much protest. She wasn’t willing to argue about staying up and working, but she’d still sleep in her bunk she had set up in the side room. “Alright, I’ll go… but… promise to find me if you need me. Okay?”
“I promise.” Flashing Holtzmann another smile, Erin moved towards the coffee machine she herself had ensured was installed as soon as they moved in. It was quite a while still before she expected anyone else to be at the office, and she was going to need the caffeine.
She had a lot of thinking to do.
***
As Holtzmann slept, Erin let her mind wander, trying to make sense of what she was feeling. This was definitely easier said than done, especially when there was still a pretty large part of her brain trying to deny she had any sort of feelings for women at all.
(Compulsory heterosexuality, the internet had called it.)
Still, she knew she had to figure it out somehow, and so she grabbed a notebook and a pen and sat down behind the place she had quickly claimed as her desk. She was a scientist, after all; she could approach this problem like one. Right now, it was just a case of objectively cataloging whatever she did or didn’t feel for Holtzmann, or what she felt when she thought about Holtzmann, and then she could draw her own conclusions from the data. Simple as that.
Observations regarding one Erin Gilbert (EG) in relation to one Jillian Holtzmann (JH), as written down by EG.
Erin tapped her pen against the notebook, silently wondering where to start, before finding herself write down the first bullet point, thinking back on their first meeting.
#1: I’m beyond impressed by her intelligence and found myself almost wanting to kiss her when Abby mentioned JH nearly got hired by CERN
After that, the observations came easily to her, and within no time she had an extensive list of things she liked about Jillian Holtzmann written down. As she glanced over the 4-page list, adding up all the data, she realized that there really was only one conclusion she could draw from all that.
Of course, she hadn’t considered how difficult it would be to accept said conclusion. As she stared at the list of bullet points, the list which most definitely concluded that yes, she did have feelings for one Jillian Holtzmann, she still found it more than a little difficult to accept that. She was still trying to put everything down to coincidences, to residual effects form seeing Kevin seconds earlier, or to whatever else she could think of that meant she definitely, absolutely wasn’t gay.
As she rested her head in her hands, staring at the scribbles, she was startled by someone else shuffling into the room. Probably Holtzmann, Erin assumed, picking up her own coffee mug to take another sip before she looked up at the blonde. “Sleep we-”
Oh. Oh. Erin quickly placed the mug back on her desk, already feeling her grip slacken as she stared at the blonde engineer. Who, really, had no right to look this attractive in this state. Her hair was down, the coveralls were hanging loose around her hips, and why was she even wearing a crop top? Was she trying to kill Erin?
The physicist swallowed thickly, trying (and failing) to stop herself form staring at the abs that were now clearly visible as Holtzmann wiped the sleep from her eyes, clearly not having noticed Erin as she shuffled towards the coffee maker. Grabbing her favourite mug, the one with kittens all over it, Erin could only stare, not even attentive enough to try and check she wasn’t actually drooling at the sight.
As Holtzmann finished her coffee she pulled the straps of her coveralls over her shoulders, Erin barely suppressing a small whine at the loss of her pleasant visual. (Which, really, was a problem, especially when Holtzmann was running her fingers though her hair and… No, she needed to stop)
The engineer was still oblivious so Erin’s blatant staring, the caffeine having not quite kicked in as she fixed her glasses over her eyes as she started working on coffee number two.
She nearly tripped over the loose laces of her combat boots before straightening up like nothing ever happened, before starting on coffee number two, stretching and complaining quietly as the machine whirred in the background.
Mental Note: Get a better bed for the lab.
She then caught sight of Erin and lifted her mug in greeting. “Hey you, how long was I out?” Holtzmann then took another long drink of black coffee, staring at Erin curiously. The physicist looked kind of out of it, and Holtzmann just raised a brow as Erin took a good few minutes scrambling to form a coherent sentence.
“A, um, little over 3 hours.” Erin managed to stammer out eventually, even as she didn’t quite manage to look away from Holtzmann. “Did you manage to get some rest?”
“Awesomeness. I feel much better, thank you.” She smiled as she lowered her mug, letting out a content sigh now that the caffeine was taking hold. At this moment, she fully noticed Erin’s reaction to her and her eyes flicked down to the notebook on the physicist’s desk.
“So ummm… whatcha got there? Research?” She leaned closer to try and take a look. “I can double check your equations if ya want.” She smiled genuinely.
“No!” Erin quickly slammed the notebook shut, a panicked expression on her face. Realizing her reaction was anything other than covert or subtle, she quickly shook her head, keeping her hand firmly planted on top of the notebook. “I mean, it’s research, yes, but the equations are frustratingly correct. I’m just having trouble accepting the data.”
Well, it wasn’t exactly a lie, she thought, as she looked back up at Holtzmann, feeling a little guilty for snapping at the engineer like that. She had just offered to help, after all, and Erin was grateful for that. She just doubted that she could, in this state. “But thanks for the offer.”
She straightened back up, nodding her head with a soft smile. Holtzmann didn’t see the contents of the paper, so she just accepted whatever it was that Erin was working on.
“Well hey, If you need anyone to chat over the results with, I’m here.” Holtzmann smiled and then reached up to ruffle her blonde curls before taking another drink of her coffee. “I’ll be in the garage. Gotta tune up the Ecto. You know where to find me, Hot Stuff.” She rapped her knuckles twice on Erin’s desk before taking a few steps back to grab some tools.
Erin nodded in response, trying not to get distracted by the way Holtzmann’s hair looked now that it was mussed up even more. Her thoughts briefly wandered to how it would look had it been Erin messing up her hair, but she quickly squashed that thought, not wanting to think about its implications.
And therein lay exactly the problem, didn’t it? Erin was a scientist. Data didn’t lie. Facts didn’t lie. Sure, she could find different interpretations for it - something she’d been trying to do for a while now - but at the end of the day, facts were facts.
But maybe Holtzmann actually did have a fresh take on this.
***
Grabbing the notebook, she wandered down to the garage about half an hour after Holtzmann had left, hoping to get a second opinion on the data that she really did not want to come to terms with quite yet. The engineer, for her part, was bobbing her head to some music she had playing, humming along as she worked on the undercarriage of the Ecto. The majority of her posture hidden under the vehicle, Erin didn’t really notice her at first as she wandered into the garage.
“Holtz?”
When the engineer heard a familiar voice from above her she pushed herself out from under the vehicle, still laying prone on the little board with wheels she had thrown together because she didn’t want to find the proper equipment and buy it.
“Hey, good lookin! Welcome to my humble abode… well… one of them.” She sat up, wiping her hands and face off with a rag, trying her best to rid herself of oil. She failed. “What’s up?”
Erin felt her mouth go dry at the sight, the redhead looking more than a little flustered to see Holtzmann in this state. She knew she’d come here for a reason, knew it would be polite to just answer the question best she could. Instead, the first words out of her mouth were “Is it hot in here?”
The engineer lifted her eyebrow at the line, chuckling. She couldn’t help but roll with it. Holtzmann pulled herself to her feet and put her hands folded behind her head. “Nah baby, I think it’s just you.”
Holtzmann smirked and winked at the physicist, happy with the horrible comeback as she saw Erin get visibly flustered. She always loved riling Erin up a little. It was simply too easy to turn the usually uptight physicist a stammering and blushing mess.
If only it could actually turn into something more…
Hoping to control the flush appearing on her cheeks, Erin cleared her throat, trying to calm herself before she handed the notebook to Holtzmann. “I need your objective, scientific opinion on this dataset. Is there any other conclusion I can draw from this?”
The engineer tilted her head quizzically. “Yeah, totally, what’s shakin?”
Erin’s grip on the notebook turning white-knuckled, Erin took a deep breath, before launching into what could best be described as a ramble. “Well, I’ve been thinking about things, and I’ve been collecting data, because I figured as a scientist that was probably the best way to tackle this problem, and all the data adds up and I can only think of one logical conclusion but I also know data can be interpreted multiple ways and part of me still really hopes there’s another way with which I can interpret this data but I can’t think of it and I was hoping maybe you might.”
Holtzmann gently took the notebook, pushing her glasses up into her hairline as she listened carefully, before nodding slowly, blue eyes scanning over the information. This was a list, a thorough one at that, outlining…
Erin liked her. A lot. Like borderline was in love with… But she wouldn’t mention that.
Instead she continued studying the information, her expression never betraying her utter amazement at these facts… All these little things that Erin loved about her. Eventually she spoke with a smile.
“You’re attracted to women as well… Specifically me. But you’re having some issues with accepting the fact you have feelings for a woman instead of a man. I get that. Society sucks.”
Erin sighed, sitting down on the arguably dirty floor. Not that that really mattered right now. “Yeah, I thought so…” she realized she sounded more than a little dejected, which she supposed probably didn’t reflect too well on her, but she couldn’t really help it. She’d just really, really hoped for a different answer than the one she got.
Looking back up at Holtzmann, Erin’s expression was an apologetic one. “I’m sorry. It’s not you. I mean, you’re great. Amazing. Brilliant, even. It’s just…” It’s just I thought I’d be normal. I thought I could have this one thing be normal. I thought I’d have at least one thing about me that was normal.
She supposed she should have guessed years ago that ‘normal’ just wasn’t something she was going to get.
“How did you do it?” She asked eventually. “How did you deal with… this.”
Holtzmann sat down next to the physicist, tugging off the straps of her paint stained coveralls and letting them rest in her lap. The engineer leaned back, propping herself to on her elbows and wiggling get booted feet in thought.
“I was around eleven and discovered I got tingles when I watched Scully from the X-Files but not from Mulder.” Then her choice softened as she shrugged. “Mom always accepted me, well except for the crazy. But Dad was just an abusive ass. So… My childhood differs from yours… I accepted myself, embraced myself… Because that’s all I had.”
Erin sighed, resting her head in her hands as she looked over at Holtzmann. “You make it sound so easy…” She mumbled. Erin was unable to deny she was more than a little jealous of Holtzmann, the ease with which she was always unashamedly herself. Erin had spent her entire life trying to conform and fit in, but no matter how hard she tried she’d always been an outlier.
Even at Columbia she’d had no real friends. She wouldn’t be surprised if everyone there could somehow subconsciously pick up on how weird Erin was.
She folded her hands in her lap, sitting up a little straighter as she tried not to fidget. “I know what I feel. And I know that at the end of the day, I can’t run away from that. Not forever, at least. But there’s still a large part of me that really wants to try and do that. To run. To try and do what’s expected, what’s ‘normal’, as it were. And maybe that’s because I need time or maybe that’s because I’m just a terrible person who can’t deal with her own problems, or maybe there’s another reason for that entirely. But either way; you deserve better.”
As Erin spoke, Holtzmann watched the older woman, noting her posture and how she was trying not to fidget. It was a constant tell with the physicist, something the engineer always noticed now. So she extended a hand, still leaning back to give Erin distance given she wasn’t really sure what was happening between them, but placing her own hand over Erin’s folded ones.
“Can I be honest?” She shifted and turned her head to properly look at Erin. “To me, this…” She slipped her hand between Erin’s, lacing her fingers with one as she gave the physicist a squeeze. “…is normal. I know this is hard, but damn girl, you actually came to talk through it with me. That takes a lot of guts, really. And you even… told me you liked me.”
She then scooted a little closer and took a breath, looking over at Erin with kind eyes. “And sure, I deserve a lot of things… most people will say I deserve a straight jacket… but, I get to choose who I want to wait for, who I want to be with. But, I think that you need to know all your options. I like you, a lot, since the first time I saw you with that librarian look and the tiny bowtie. But I think if you want time to sort things out, take the time, as much of it as you need.” She ended with a smile and a small squeeze of Erin’s hand.
Erin mulled those words over in her head for a bit, trying to make sense of what she had just heard. It all seemed so strange, so surreal… She’d heard the words, of course, but it was difficult for their meaning to sink in, blocked by a wall of self-doubt and loathing in her mind.
Holtzmann wanted her. Really wanted her. Sure, she’d known Holtzmann liked her - Abby had told her as much, and so had Holtzmann - but she’d been relatively sure her own sexuality struggles would be a dealbreaker for the engineer. After all, it was unfair for her to make Holtzmann wait for something she wasn’t even sure she’d ever be able to give. She didn’t know if it would take a day, a week, a month, or a year to come to terms with this. Hell, she didn’t know if she’d ever come to terms with this. And Holtzmann deserved better than false hope.
She’d been about to voice that, had opened her mouth to argue, but then something stopped her, her hand freezing in Holtzmann’s.
You like me
Three simple words that seemed to set off a chain reaction in Erin’s mind, the words reminding her of something an old professor had once told her.
What about what you deserve, Erin?
That was a good question. Did she deserve Holtzmann? Probably not. But she also didn’t deserve to be scorned for something she couldn’t help, didn’t deserve to be treated like she was less than what she was worth because she was right about something people didn’t want to believe her for. And she sure as fuck didn’t deserve to set herself on fire to keep others warm.
So she nodded, turning to Holtzmann with a smile. “Thank you, Holtz.” She said, lightly squeezing the blonde’s hand. “And I think… I think I’ll be okay with it. I can’t promise you I won’t screw up, or that I won’t get scared, but this, us… I want it. I want to fight for it.”
Holtzmann swiveled around to the side, sitting right next to Erin now and looking down at their joined hands. It felt wonderful, right, and her anxiety was doing her a favor by NOT flaring up that very second. She needed to be the person that was strong, if just for Erin when she was going through this. So she wouldn’t be alone. She released the physicist’s hand, wrapping her arm around Erin’s shoulders gently, noting how Erin seemed to immediately lean in to the embrace. The blonde felt warm and tingly… and she was sure it wasn’t because of the radiation she probably had coursing through her veins.
“I’d like that.” Then her face split into a wide grin as she chuckled a little. “Soooooo… what does this mean? Would you like to be my main squeeze, my lovely lady, my girlfriend?” She couldn’t help but feel the nerves spreading over her as she posed her question, even if she framed it with her usual humor and smile.
Looking up at Holtzmann, Erin found herself smiling again, even chuckling a little at the phrasing Holtzmann kept using. It sounded both incredibly ridiculous and incredibly pleasant - though Erin doubted she’d let Holtzmann call her her ‘main squeeze’ in public. Or at all.
“Yeah…” She nodded, feeling her heart race in her chest as her anxiety flared up again. A girlfriend wasn’t something Erin ever expected to have, or ever expected to have to introduce to people. And whether she liked it or not (in this case, or not), she cared about what other people thought of her. Public opinion mattered.
But Holtzmann knew this. Holtzmann wouldn’t push her, and in return, Erin could do a few things that fell out of her comfort zone, especially if they made her happy. “Yeah, I’d very much like to be your girlfriend, Holtzmann.”
With that, the engineer smiled and stood, helping Erin to her feet as well. Holtzmann brushed off some of the dirt and grime from Erin’s outfit before settling on looking up at her with bright blue eyes, so excited she could be vibrating.
“Okay so… since this is your first lady relationship, here’s the plan.” She then took Erin’s hand once more, softly. “You do what makes you comfortable. That goes for everything. Kissing, hugging, the public displays…” Then she blushed and her free hand came up to toy with her ear as she always did. “The more intimate activities. You get the idea. Things are up to you. Just let me know what you’re cool with and I’ll adapt. Okay?”
“You’re sure?” She asked hesitantly, a little stunned by how accommodating Holtzmann was being. How willing to give her time. Surely the engineer could find someone else - anyone else - who could give her more. She had expected there to be some form of decorum, some form of expectations Holtzmann had of her. But as the engineer took her hand, Erin found herself surprised by the blonde yet again. Apparently, for some reason, Holtzmann wanted her. Holtzmann was willing to be patient for her. And that meant more to Erin than she could say.
“Positive.” Holtzmann beamed. She then released Erin with a smile, toeing her cobbled together rolling platform back over to herself so she could continue working soon. Holtzmann took off her glasses, cleaning them as best she could on her stained shirt. “Oh, and Jillian… you can call me Jillian.”
Erin was still smiling as Holtzmann let go of her. It surprised her, how excited Holtzmann seemed. She’d never exactly considered herself a catch, or even remotely worthy of Holtzmann. But the engineer seemed so excited… Erin couldn’t bring herself to ruin that. Smiling at her, Erin’s hands calmly coming to rest on Holtzmann’s - Jillian’s - shoulders before she leaned in, kissing the blonde’s cheek. “Thank you, Jillian.”
Holtzmann felt a spread of warmth run through her body at that simple contact from Erin, that simple touch and kiss on the cheek. Funny, how such small things could feel so big with the physicist. She was smiling a bit like a school kid with a crush, blushing a little at the way her name seemed to slip off of Erin’s tongue with very little effort at all. It felt amazing, especially considering Erin was still looking at her in utter adoration.
How exactly had she gotten so lucky?
“Is it okay if we wait a few days to tell the others?” The physicist asked hesitantly, Holtzmann nodding almost immediately. She would gladly give Erin all the time she needed; the blonde was just happy that the two of them had reached this point. Yeah, she joked around and was an all around dork… but she was oddly serious when it came to Erin and her comfort.
“Sure thing, babydoll. You know where to find me if you need any hugs or kisses.” she winked at Erin, looping her glasses into the collar of her shirt before wrapping her arms around Erin’s waist. “Sooooooooo, can I kiss my girlfriend?”
Holtzmann smiled up at Erin a little sheepishly, unsure as to what the other woman was comfortable with just yet other than the normal Holtzmann antics. Erin just laughed at that, beaming at Holtzmann with bright eyes as she wrapped her arms around the engineer’s neck. It was nice to be this close to Holtzmann, - or Jillian, actually - to be held by her this way. As long as Erin ignored the societal implications of the ‘girlfriend’ part, she was actually exceptionally happy with her current situation.
“I don’t know, can you?” Erin asked playfully, raising a brow at Jillian before she leaned in, carefully brushing her lips against the blonde’s. And wow, kissing Holtzmann the second time was even better than the first time; mainly because she could actually let herself enjoy the experience this time. The way Holtzmann’s lips moved against her own, the way she pulled Erin closer, the way everything Holtzmann did made Erin feel like she was flying.
Holtzmann melted into the kiss, nearly feeling her heart stop before pulling Erin close and smiling against the physicist’s lips. She eventually broke the kiss for air, bumping her nose against Erin’s playfully.
“You’re a hell of a kisser, Gilbert.” Holtzmann’s voice was breathy as she spoke, but it still held her familiar tone. “And I’d love to stand here and kiss you all day but this baby isn’t going to fix herself. Unless, that is, you wanna help out and be a grease monkey for an afternoon?” Holtzmann couldn’t help but wink.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” Erin grinned, blushing a little at the wink Holtzmann sent her. “And tempting as that offer sounds… I think I’ll pass. My clothes suffer enough with the ectoplasm on a regular basis.”
She found it adorable, really, how excited Holtzmann seemed to be about this. Erin saw she was even blushing a little, and boy if that wasn’t a good look on her favourite engineer. The physicist found herself tempted to lean in again, maybe steal another kiss from the blonde, but she managed to keep herself together.
No reason to move too fast.
So she just smiled, carefully tucking a strand of blonde hair back into its updo. “I’ll let you get back to work.” She said, looking at Holtzmann lovingly. “You’ll be back up for lunch, right?”
Holtzmann wiped her hands on her rag once more she checked the large-faced green watch, checking the time. “What time you getting a bite? I’ll set an alarm for I can clean up…” She laughed a little and shrugged. “You know I’ll get lost in my work and forget if I’m not careful.”
“I know.” Erin hummed in response, looking quite satisfied with her handiwork when Holtzmann’s hair was properly out of the way again. “That’s why I mentioned it.” Smiling at the engineer, Erin shrugged. “How about you begin cleaning up when Abby sends me down for your lunch order? I might even help you out with that.”
“I’ll hold you too that, baby girl.” Holtzmann smirked, shooting a wink to Erin just as she reached up to toy with the zipper of the physicist’s hoodie. “Because that sounds like an excellent plan.” She took a half step forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of Erin’s mouth before she removed herself, adjusting her coveralls that had crept lower onto her hips. She would at least tempt the woman, especially after Erin slyly made her near-dirty comment. “Now, I’m about to be in pants and a bra ‘cuz I’m burning up, so skedaddle before you get distracted by my chiseled bod.”
“That’s a very pleasant image.” Erin hummed in response, feeling a blush creep up her cheeks again. Still, she resisted the urge to find and excuse to stick around any longer. If anything, she really didn’t want to move too fast with this. If she moved too fast, she’d risk her suddenly getting scared and running away. And Holtzmann really didn’t deserve that from her.
That didn’t mean she couldn’t have a little fun, though. She had seen Holtzmann grinning like a goofball even despite her sultry demeanor, and the physicist was more than a little eager to prove that she too could be flirtatious if she wanted to be. “As if your chiseled bod isn’t permanently distracting.” She grinned, making finger guns at the engineer before turning around and heading back upstairs.
Holzmann went slack jawed at the finger guns, staring at Erin like the engineer had just seen God. Holtzmann let out a light chuckle as Erin sped off with a breezy ‘Be careful, Jillian!’, smiling a little to herself as she watched the physicist go.
Holtzmann could get used to this, she really could. All of the flirtations from Erin and all the affection that came with actually dating the girl of her dreams. This was certainly a good step in the direction that was being taken in the life of one Dr. Jillian Holtzmann. She shook her head, blonde curls bouncing just slightly before she pulled off her top, leaving her in a sports bra and her baggy purple overalls that were sagging, unhooked, around her hips.
With ease, she turned on her playlist and toed the rolling service board back towards herself, slipping down and rolling back under the Ecto-1, more than a little impatient for lunchtime to come rolling around.