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”Okay,” KK set up the phone, the video already recording, “Y’all ready?” Kelis stood behind her and Azzi, holding her own phone, and nodded.
”Mhm.” Azzi nodded too. Her own phone was on her lap, a muted Paige on the screen. Paige could hear Azzi, but Azzi couldn’t hear Paige. The blonde was in bed, half listening, half playing Fortnite.
”Okay, so, we’re doing the princess treatment or bare minimum trend.” KK explained to the camera. “We got Ms Fudd here as the main test subject, then we got me as a control, and Gup Gup as the facilitator.” Kelis rolled her eyes at the nickname, but lifted the phone up to read from it.
”Okay, first one. Easy one. Buys you flowers on a first date.”
”Bare minimum.” KK and Azzi chorused in unison, and Kelis nodded.
”Okay, great. Pays for the first date.”
”Bare minimum.” They repeated again.
”Alright, alright. We got standards ‘round here.” Kelis grinned. “Buys you gifts for every holiday.”
”Princess treatment.” KK said, and at the same time, Azzi said, “Bare minimum.” KK and Kelis both whipped around.
”But like, every holiday? Do you know how many holidays there are? I feel like if they get Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries it’s fine already.” KK argued.
”Buying a gift is a bare minimum. Making the gift? That’s princess treatment.” Azzi paused. “Well, not really. Making the gift is also pretty bare minimum for big holidays. Also, you forgot valentines.” Azzi stuck her tongue out.
”But—okay, y’know what, fine. I changed my mind. I agree with Az. Not about the making the gift thing though. That’s diabolical.”
”Moving right along!” Kelis announced, “Follows the sidewalk rule.”
”Wait, what’s that again?” Azzi asked, turning to face Kelis with a furrowed brow.
”Like, they stand on the side of the sidewalk nearer the road so you’re protected from cars.” Kelis explained.
”Oh, bare minimum.” Azzi shrugged. “She’s literally pushed me onto the inside before, so…”
“Nah, ‘cause I’m usually the one pushing them on the inside, you know? So I’m the one following the rule.” KK laughed to herself, and Azzi ducked out of the screen, hand flying to her mouth to stop
the giggles.
“Pays for every meal?” Kelis prompted.
”Bare minimum. She Doordashed food for me the other day.” Azzi said casually. Paige grimaced and nodded. So she was a little down bad.
”Girl boo! That girl wouldn’t even buy me ice cream!” KK gasped, offended.
”Skill issue.” Azzi shrugged, though she seemed to glow with pride.
”Girl.” KK tsk-ed, looking away with a roll of her eyes.
”Okay, next one. Texts you good morning and goodnight everyday without fail.” Azzi looked momentarily confused before answering.
”These are all bare minimums, bro. Isn’t this meant to be, like, hard?” KK gasped like Azzi had told her Santa wasn’t real. Or really, that he was real, but KK was on the naughty list.
”This is not fair.” KK complained. “I’d say…it should be bare minimum, but the way some folks be moving?” KK scoffed, and Kelis snorted.
”That honestly might be a skill issue, but alright. Uh…oh, shovels the snow, but specifically to make a path for you.”
”Bare minimum?” Azzi said, but it came out more like a question. She could name at least 5 times it had happened in the last year.
”Holy—dude, that girl is spoiling you rotten. Princess treatment.” KK shook her head.
“If it’s raining, and you’re, like, walking, they lean the umbrella towards you so you don’t get wet.” Kelis explained.
“Uh…I feel like that’s bare minimum. But also this is all I’ve known, so…” Azzi shrugged. She really didn’t understand why it was such a big deal.
“I would do this for my partner. Bare minimum.” KK agreed.
”Lets you choose what seat you want on the plane before themselves.” Kelis called out.
”I don’t know, honestly. She likes the window and I like the aisle. This isn’t an issue we face, ever.” Azzi said.
”That’s just luck. Princess treatment.”
”Okay, last one. Cleans your room for you.”
”Princess treatment.” KK said without hesitation, waiting for Azzi’s inevitable bare minimum’. Instead, the 5th year shook her head.
”She’s dead if she cleans my room.” Azzi glanced down on her lap, and saw Paige laughing and nodding. When the blonde caught Azzi looking, she mouthed—or maybe said, Azzi didn’t know—”It’s
true.”
”Oop, not her on the phone with miss bare minimum. Say hi, Bueckers!” KK kidnapped the phone and turned the volume up before Azzi could protest.
”Hi.” Paige laughed harder, waving at the screen. The reflection from the light made it so she was barely visible, beyond a few glints of blonde.
”What do you have to say for yourself, huh? Spoiling my mom until she thinks everything is bare minimum?” KK accused, turning the phone back around so she was looking at Paige.
”Whatever makes the princess happy.” Paige grinned, and Azzi smiled too.
”Insufferable.” KK decided, dropping Azzi’s phone back onto her lap.
”KK, don’t be mean to Paige. Say sorry.” Azzi frowned, picking the phone up and shoving it in KK’s face. KK’s jaw dropped, turning to look at the recording camera like ”y’all seeing this?”
”But—” KK protested.
”Kamorea. I will lock you out of your TikTok account. Don’t even.” Azzi warned, and KK slumped back into her seat.
”Sorry, P.” KK said begrudgingly, dragging every letter out.
”Az, it’s okay.” Paige’s laughter subsided a little. “KK, if she tries to lock you out of your account, just tell me, okay? I got you.” KK lit up again.
”Stop enabling her!” Azzi scolded, flipping the phone around to glare at her girlfriend.
”Sorry, Az. But it’s true! It’s fine, I’m mean to her too.” Paige reminded her. “Also, like, one of us needs to be the fun parent, and it’s definitely not you, miss cottage cheese.”
”Fine.” Azzi conceded. Kelis giggled behind them, making all of them turn and look at her.
”Sorry, I forget this is normal now.” Kelis cleared her throat, trying—and failing—to act nonchalant.
KK reached over and ended the recording, placing the phone face down on the table. Azzi gave Kelis an amused smile.
”Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have a very co-dependent girlfriend to attend to.” Azzi glanced pointedly at her girlfriend, who shrugged shamelessly.
”Can you blame me? Look at her.” Paige paused. “Well, actually, don’t. That would be weird.”
”Very.” Azzi agreed, and both of her children made grossed out faces that were almost identical—cute. Azzi stood up with a sigh.
”Alright, goodbye kids. Don’t cause too much trouble. Kelis, go to bed. No Fortnite. We have a game tomorrow. You too, KK. You need to go make Jana’s breakfast at, like, 4am.” Both her daughters
nodded dutifully, KK saluting and Kelis, ever the little sister, following suit.
Azzi just rolled her eyes affectionately before walking off to her room, not even bothering to acknowledge the silliness of it all.
”Well,” Kelis sighed once Azzi’s door clicked shut, “I’m definitely crying on senior night.”
”Oh, honey, it’s okay. Me too.” KK sighed as well, equally as solemn.