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the sun was disappearing into the horizon, the sky fading a pink-purple shade. juhoon was walking home after work, taking in as much of the fresh air as he could. his days became more tiring as work kept piling over another. he didn’t enjoy his work, but he didn’t hate it either. it paid well and that was enough. he loved literature since he was young and even dreamt of publishing his own work. he wonders if he’ll ever be able to pursue such a fantasy.
the air was colder today, winter creeping in. ‘i should’ve wore an extra jacket..’ he whispered to himself, tucking his hands into his hoodie pockets as he strode down the familiar streets.
he listened to his surroundings. the birds, the sounds of children and their parents scolding them, older folks speaking and laughing softly. the sounds made him feel melancholy, almost nostalgic for a reason he couldn’t pin point exactly. he smiled, reminiscing a childhood he never knew. how weird.
he was lost in his own train of thought that he almost bumped into someone. a much taller figure appeared in front of him, completely covering him. juhoon stumbled back, startled by the larger man.
“oh sorry..” he mumbled before looking up and catching the soft blonde hair and brown eyes.
“juhoon.”
“oh..” juhoon inhaled sharply. of all people he’d see today, the last person he wanted it to be was him.
“look jju..let me—“
“no.” juhoon said harshly, “ i don’t want to hear what you have to say.” he spat as he moved past him, brushing the blonde mans shoulder while quickening his pace.
“wait! please juhoon just…five minutes. no actually—“ “one. even one is fine. just…let me talk to you.” the man pleaded, catching juhoons wrist before he could leave.
juhoon tensed, jaw clenching. he didn’t know what to do. nor what to say or even how to feel, he just felt ashamed. overwhelmed. and a sharp pain in his chest.
martin edwards. juhoons ex. the man that used to be in every part of juhoons life, the man that meant everything to him. its been 7 months since they broke up. juhoon still remembers every second of how that dark day went.
martin and juhoon had always been complicated. their views clashed a lot and they bickered constantly, but another thing was how they worked around each other despite every disagreement. nothing was big enough to tear them apart since they always made up at the end of the day.
though that day, the day everything ended between them, things got deeper. more personal. juhoon trusted martin more than anyone else in his life. he told him things he’d kept to himself since he was a small, defenceless 10 year old boy. the trauma. the pain. the touch of his fathers hands in places they shouldn’t have been. never soft, always abusive. it left permanent scars mentally even if not physically.
juhoon hasn’t felt clean since the day those calloused, wrinkly hands groped him. he cried at night, rubbing his arms with painful force, trying to feel welcome in his own skin. he felt disgusting in rooms full of other people. he wondered if they could visibly see how gross he was. he hated going out because of it. that was until he met martin.
martin was his escape. his saviour. while juhoon was slowly slipping, martin was the one who caught him before he fell.
juhoon met him randomly while returning books from the library he frequented whenever he was free. it was usually quiet and empty so he felt more comfort towards the place than he realised he did.
while searching, he heard a soft, bubbly laugh from beside him as he stood in front of the sci-fi section. thats when he saw him. the tall, blonde boy with hooded eyes and the prettiest smile ever. juhoon doesn’t think he’s seen someone as beautiful as him before. then those browns eyes fell on his, and juhoon didn’t realise how long he’d been staring. martin laughed. juhoon turned beet red.
things took off from there. they met more frequently after the awkward encounter. martin had been working part time there, he started a few days before juhoon met him. it started with small greetings, which soon turned into small talk. then later, they exchanged numbers. after that, they hung out whenever the other was free, and talked from sunset to sunrise. something warm and vulnerable formed between them over time.
the day that was marking 1 year of their friendship was also the day martin asked juhoon out. juhoon was the happiest he’d ever been that day. they both were. but of course, there were some things that he just couldn’t adapt to. one of them was physical intimacy. juhoon still felt gross sometimes, especially around his boyfriend. and thats why they never really made it past sloppy makeouts and feeling each other up. whenever martin tried to initiate further, juhoon would shut it down. at first it was fine, martin understood and gave juhoon time to adjust and come to him at his own pace. but it never really came, and martin started doubting him. thats where their argument started.
juhoon still remembers it vividly.
“look jju..i know how you feel about your body. but i’m here to tell you i love all of it— okay? what your father did doesnt define you. i just..i want you to know you can trust me.”
“martin its not about..trust. i just..i don’t know what i want.”
“do you love me?”
juhoon sighed.
“of course i do martin! i’m just scared.”
“how long will you continue to hide, juhoon? you cant live being afraid all the time. its me, baby. just me. why isn’t that enough?” martin pleaded.
“you are enough. i just..” juhoon groaned, frustrated by how he couldn’t word it out without making it sound worse than it was.
“i just can’t do certain things with you martin. its how my brain is, i shut down and i get all weird whenever we try to go further. i feel nauseous and- and i dont know.”
“we’ve been together for almost 2 years and yet it feels like you’re always keeping a piece of yourself away from me. i understand you more than anyone jju, i do. but its tiring waiting for someone who doesn’t want to move forward. if its not about trust then do you not love me enough to move forward? you’ve done therapy. i’ve held you and talked to you everyday since you told me. why isn’t it enough? why can’t i— why won’t you let me help you, juhoon. “ martin stammered, dragging his fingers through his hair as he spoke, eyes slightly glassy as he looked at juhoon.
juhoon just stood, frozen by the doorframe as he let every word sink in.
“martin please..”
thats all it took before the frustration martin had been silencing finally cracked though like a broken dam.
“you’re a coward. if you don’t want to get better, why seek help at all! and this isn’t just about sex, juhoon. this is me feeling like you don’t trust me enough to give me all of you when i’ve stripped myself bare for you. i’ve done everything, everything. and im so, so tired of this.”
silent streaks of tears painted juhoons face, martins words hitting him with a force that felt almost physical. juhoon hated how true all of it was. he was a coward. he always has been. his father always said the same too. he hated it. the reminder of his father suddenly sent a chill down juhoons spine. his breath quickened, his throat clenching.
“then leave.”
…
“what?”
“leave, martin. if im so tiring then just turn back and fucking leave! its not like im forcing you to stay with me. if you’re so fed up that i won’t spread my legs for you, theres plenty of girls you can hook up with!” juhoons breath hitched, sounding more pathetic than he wanted to.
martin just stared, his eyes hollow, filled with exhaust.
“are you serious right now?”
silence.
martin turned to the kitchen counter, grabbed his keys and wallet, then stomped towards the way out of their small apartment.
“fuck you juhoon. text me once you’ve calmed down.” was all he said before slamming the door shut, leaving juhoon alone in the heavy silence.
the sobs came quickly after, his shoulders shaking with the force of them. martins words hurt. what made them worse was how it gave juhoon a reality check. thats when juhoon decided he’d leave martin. he needed to focus on himself. that was his most believable excuse anyway.
it hurt to leave everything he’d built with love for nearly 3 years. especially walking away from the man he loved so deeply.
he carried so much guilt towards martin. he didn’t want to be a burden anymore. he didn’t want to hold him back from experiencing things. so he packed and left. he wrote a short note, brief but thorough. he’d walked through the apartment a few more times, replaying their happiest and sweetest memories. he wished he could live in them forever. he stood at the doorway, taking one last look before stepping out and walking down the narrow hallway. he cried the entire time. it hurt. but it was the right thing to do. thats what he told himself.
martin came home later that evening to an unusual stillness in their apartment.
“juhoon?”
he said before his eyes caught the small yellow note on their counter.
“to martin,
lets end this. you’re right, i don’t love you enough to move forward. i don’t think i ever will and thats my problem. you meant a lot to me, but it wasn’t enough. i don’t want to hold you back, so i’ve decided to leave and focus on myself. i left some money as well, put it to good use and stay healthy. im always cheering you on.
love,
juhoon.”
that was the last time they’d heard from each other. juhoon blocked martins contact on everything. he moved into a small studio near his new workplace. as time flew, he adjusted. he had a routine he stuck to, and days flew by easily.
—
and now here he was, standing before the man he’d swore to leave behind. all the guilt came rushing back to him.
“why? why do you want to talk to me?” juhoon whispered.
“after i left like that, shouldn’t the message have been clear to you? i don’t want to talk to you, martin.”
“do you feel bad about it?” martin asked.
juhoon stilled. he looked up at those browns eyes that once held so much light, now dim and barely there. he hated how easily martin could read him.
“no i—“
“make it up to me right now. if you really feel bad then let me buy you a drink.”
juhoon just stared, eyes darting between martins with blank confusion. why? doesn’t martin hate him? why is he doing this? why now?
juhoon did feel bad. that part was true. he knows how much of as asshole he was for leaving like that, which is exactly why he doesn’t understand why martin is begging to speak to him.
so ignoring the rational part of his mind telling him to cut it short here and walk away, he decided to listen to his heart.
“fine. not today though, im busy. wait—“ he grabbed a pen from his side pocket and grabbed martins hand, scribbling his phone number on it. “here. just send me a time and date. ill let you know when im free.” juhoon said, eye landing anywhere but at martins.
“okay.” martin said breathlessly. “alright yeah. i’ll..text you” he said in awe, which only confused juhoon more. why did he sound so loving, even after what juhoon did to him? it made his heart ache uncomfortably.
“okay.” was all juhoon said before slowly turning and walking off, taking two steps at a time as his heart beat frantically against his chest. despite everything, all he was thinking about was how good martin looked. its only been 7 months, yet he was tan with long, blonde hair and his features sharper— more refined. he looked impossibly hot.
martin watched as juhoon left, eyes stuck on the smaller boys back. he smiled to himself, soft and quiet.
“idiot..” he whispered, hand reaching his back pocket to grab a box of cigarettes. he took one out and lit it, softly placing it between his lips. he inhaled hard, letting the smoke rest in his lungs, letting it consume him. he exhaled, watching the smoke come out of him.
he threw the cigarette down and crushed it before walking opposite to juhoon. he looked at the number doodled at his hands and couldn’t help but smile. he missed this. his juhoon.
things are about to get interesting.