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Hanamaki thought he was better. He really did. He had been doing better. He had been feeling less like throwing himself off a bridge and more like he was normal. Matsukawa even seemed to notice. His boyfriend seemed happier and less worried all the time. Matsukawa came home more relaxed than before, now starting to trust that he wouldn't come home to a sobbing mess of a boyfriend.
Hanamaki didn't want Issei to have to go through that again. He wanted to protect him, so he forced down the feelings that were blooming in his chest. He convinced himself that he was imagining that they were coming back.
He was still trying to convince himself that he was, in fact, better, as he sat in the bathroom of the Tananka sibilings' bar, trying to catch his breath and hold back tears. They were having a night out with everyone for Matsukawa's birthday and he didn't want to ruin it. He was still trying, when Iwaizumi found him, gasping and pulling at his hair.
Hanamaki refused to let his friend leave the bathroom until he swore he wouldn't tell Matsukawa, because he really was better. This was just a little slip. Iwaizumi looked skeptical, but agreed. No matter how much he smiled or laughed that night, Iwaizumi watched him with a knowing look, and the feeling pressed against his ribs a little more than before.
But he was okay.
-
He almost had himself convinced when Matsukawa announced that he had to go back home for a week and a half for the funeral of a distant relative. Hanamaki knew he couldn't leave school to go with him, so he would be by himself, but he just told Matsukawa to tell his parents hi for him.
He was okay while he watched Matsukawa pack.
He was okay while he walked him to the train station.
He was okay while they hugged and while he watched him board the train as it drove away.
He was okay even when he went home to an empty apartment where it was quiet and he was alone.
He went to bed, trying to breathe through the panic.
He really was okay.
-
Oikawa had to pull him from the bed at the end of the week.
He had a nervous expression like he was afraid Hanamaki was falling back into old habits and Hanamaki felt guilty for almost slipping. Oikawa looked at him for a moment before whispering that he looked like a mess. That made Hanamaki laugh a little, but he still noticed the relief that flooded his friends face.
Oikawa then forced him into the shower and sat in the bathroom and talked while he washed, like he was afraid to leave him alone.
As he listened to the setter talk about his newest modeling job, he realized that Iwaizumi had more than likely told Oikawa about before. The guilt from worrying his friends came back so fast that he almost choked.
He didn't even notice he was crying until he heard Oikawa saying his name and asking him if he was okay. Once he started though it was hard to stop, Oikawa had to help him out of the shower and into some clothes before he pulled him to his chest.
Hearing his best friend mumble that he was okay over and over again, Hanamaki sagged against him and let it all out.
Once he calmed down, he made Oikawa swear that he wouldn't tell Matsukawa either. He tried not to look at the worried expression on his friend's face as he told him he was just having a bad week.
He really was okay.
-
When Oikawa announced that he and Iwaizumi were going to stay with him until Matsukawa got back, he couldn't help the relief that ran through him, pushing the panic away just a bit.
When Issei got back he seemed a little confused as to why they were there, but didn't push it when Oikawa said he just wanted to spend time with Hanamaki.
Later that night after their friend had gone home, Matsukawa pulled Hanamaki close and whispered that he had missed him. He felt the panic inch away just a bit more.
He was okay.
-
He couldn't breathe. He had to get a hold of himself. Issei was going to be home soon, but he couldn't breathe. Issei was going to find out.
He was going to find out.
Hanamaki felt all of his muscle tighten to the point of pain as he heard the front door open and he began to chant no, no, no under his breath. He heard Matsukawa call his name in a panic before he blacked out.
-
The first thing he noticed when he came to was that he was on the couch. The second thing was Issei's voice. Hanamaki guessed he was on the phone, because of the lack of a second voice. He heard his boyfriend say something about not knowing why Hanamaki hadn't told him. There was a crack in his voice that made Hanamaki get up slowly and head for the kitchen.
He quietly stood in the doorway for a few seconds before his boyfriend saw him. When he did he quickly said goodbye and hung up before grabbing Hanamaki into a tight hug, saying his name quietly.
He knew Issei had questions, but he was grateful that he didn't try to ask them yet. They just held onto each other like their lives depended on it.
-
Later that night, while they were lying in bed Issei pulled him close again. He made him promise to tell him if it got bad again.
He told him that he didn't have to be okay all the time, he just needed him alive.