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To : my dearest Hanzhen
Ever since you stopped talking to me, my life has been nothing but anguish. Maybe you won’t get this letter, or maybe when you do, you’ll burn it, but whatever you’ll do, I’ll just hope you read every single letter of this carefully. First, I’m truly sorry for what I did. I’m so sorry that I kissed you without permission. I’ll forever hate myself for it. However, I meant every word I said that night. Yes, I love you (more than you think, actually). Yes, I want to be with you for the rest of my life, but look what it did now.
I’ve been doing much worse than before, if you care. I do nothing but lay in my bed thinking of what went wrong. But I know exactly what. I still have the dinosaur plushie you gave me, the one you gifted me on my 19th birthday. As I’m writing this, it sits on my lap and is wet with my tears. It smells faintly of you, so I'll never let it go. It should be in the trash by now. You don’t want me to have it, right? It reminds me of you (somehow, although you’ve always insisted that you’re like a bunny), so I’ll keep it, whether you like it or not.
I can’t agree more with the bunny part, really. You have that soft, innocent charm that makes you want to gently caress it. Maybe that’s why I fell for you. I’m sure you don’t want me to. I’m sure you hate me for it. Love is something you can’t help, yes, but I can’t help but feel disgusting for loving you. There’s this ache that has settled in my chest ever since I realized I was in love with you, Hanjin. I can’t get it out no matter how much I distract myself.
I saw you in the hallways at school last week. You walked right past me without any eye contact, without acknowledging me. Why are you acting like I’m invisible, Jinnie? Am I just a stranger now? Are you just going to erase 5 years of our friendship like this? Why? Why, Jinnie, why? You were always so bright and cheerful, but seeing you like this, all crumpled up and expressionless, it breaks my heart more than you already have. I know you don’t want to see me, but please just talk to me one last time. I want to hear your voice one last time before I become completely invisible to you.
If you’re wondering why I wrote you this letter, it’s because I saw a boy who looked just like you by the Hangang river a few days ago. He had the same jawline, nose, eye shape as you. Maybe it was you but I was just too idiotic to see that. Was it, though? If it was, I regret not running up to talk to you, or maybe not, since you might not want to even see my face ever again.
Anyways, how have you been? I hope you’re taking care of yourself well. You’ve always struggled to do so because you’re always thinking for others (how sweet of you, I really appreciate it).
I chatted with Shinyu-hyung yesterday. He told me that you don’t want to see me anymore and I understand why. I mean, who wouldn’t? I just never realized it’d be true instead of being something I overthink about. Jinnie, I understand that you don’t want to even look at me anymore, but I hope you live a good life. I don't even know how I mustered up the courage to write this letter, word by word for you. Maybe it’s how I hope that you would pick this up and read it until you fully understand my side of the story.
Jinnie, sometimes I really do wish you’d like me back, the same way I love you. And when you reveal those feelings to me, we’d kiss under the moonlight on the beach and, you know, start dating. Everyone would know. They’d ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ every time we walk through the hallways hand in hand and completely head over heels for each other. I wouldn’t have to hide my feelings and you wouldn’t have to either. Maybe we’d get married one day, but who knows?
Remember when you were so tired that you fell asleep on my shoulder? Or when you walked in the rain with me and we both got fevers after? Such good memories before I ruined it all, right? I’m so fucking stupid for doing so. Please forgive me. I won’t be a stupid shit and do anything wrong ever again. I promise. I fucking miss you, I really do. So, please come back to me.
I’ll wrap this letter up before you get tired of me. So, I hope you live a long, healthy life with nothing to trouble you. I hope you take care of yourself instead of being too selfless.
And I hope you know that I love you.
From your best friend that you hate, Han Jihoon