Work Text:
Starfish & Seashells
It starts with a black and white picture that Barry finds tucked away in a favourite book. Julian’s grinning at him, looking more casual than Barry can ever remember seeing him in jeans and a checked shirt that hangs open to reveal a beautiful toned chest and a flat abdomen. It looks like it was taken on a beach somewhere at night. Julian has one hand in his blond hair and his eyes are sparkling as he looks at the camera. I took this photograph, Barry suddenly knows with absolute certainty. But when? Where? In what kind of a fucked up world would Julian ever have allowed Barry to see him like this, let alone capture the image for posterity?
Julian can just make out Barry’s adoring, whispered, ‘Fuckin’ beautiful,’ over the roar of the waves, and it puts a huge smile on his face just as Barry snaps the picture.
‘Catch me if you can!’ Julian calls out, dashing off to run along the floodline with Barry in hot pursuit. They both know Barry could cheat and win in a fraction of a second, but that’s not the point of the game. Barry sticks to normal human speed, catching up with his boyfriend and tackling him to the ground. ‘Oof,’ Julian brings out, when he finds himself flat on his back with an armful of giggling Barry on top of him. ‘I wanna stay right here,’ Barry whispers, ‘and wait for the flood to rise and wash us away to a distant shore where no one knows us.’ Julian kind of wants to laugh, because who even says something like that, but Barry sounds serious. So Julian arches up and kisses him deeply.
Later that night, lying in bed together in the beach hut they rented for the weekend, Julian says, ‘Do you think this is forever? Or am I just going to be a fading memory to you when something inevitably goes wrong between us?’ Barry’s green eyes are dark and intense in the dim light falling through the window. ‘No matter what,’ he says, ‘I will never forget the way I feel about you. I promise.’ They make love slowly then, not getting any sleep until the early hours of the morning.
Barry’s head is spinning and he has to grab hold of the nearest doorframe so he doesn’t fall over. What the fuck was that? It felt like a dream.
Or a memory.
It happens again two days later when Barry finds a small glass jar filled with seashells in the back of his wardrobe.
Julian and Barry are strolling down the beach hand in hand. Barry begins collecting seashells, keeping only the most beautiful ones. He looks at Julian, and his partner is smiling, blond hair glowing in the light of the rising sun. ‘You’re such a kid sometimes,’ Julian laughs.
‘No, you got that wrong, you see, I’m gonna keep these, and put them in a jar and then if we ever live together I’ll put it up as decoration.’
Julian goes quiet for a moment, then bends over and picks up a large shell.
Barry rinses the shells back at the hut, and he looks good enough to eat, barefoot on the wooden floor wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Julian comes up behind him and wraps his arms around Barry’s waist, resting his head against the other man’s back, breathing him in. Barry puts down the shells and turns around so he can kiss Julian.
‘Breakfast?’ Barry asks with a grin.
‘Sounds great,’ Julian says.
Barry’s beginning to understand why Julian is so cold towards him now. Especially upon discovering a detailed drawing of a starfish tucked away in his desk at work.
Barry finds Julian kneeling in the warm sand, sketching a small red starfish.
‘Look at it,’ Julian whispers, ‘It’s so beautiful.’ It’s also dead, but Barry declines to mention that. Instead he sits down and watches Julian draw. Once he’s pleased with the result of his work, Julian tears out the picture, puts down his sketchbook and pencils, and leans into Barry’s shoulder. ‘It’s for you,’ he says, ‘Keep it as a memento.’
‘A memento of this holiday?’
‘A memento of me.’
‘You keep saying things like that,’ Barry says, ‘Like you expect me to leave you.’
‘Maybe I do,’ Julian admits, ‘I just want – I want this to be real. I know, it is real, but I keep getting the feeling that it can never last.’
‘It will,’ Barry whispers, ‘It will last. We’ll make it work.’
So he and Julian were in love, had been so for long enough to go on holiday together, to speak of living together. Julian wanted forever with him.
But Barry broke his promise. He forgot.