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Kim Taehyung kicked at a rock on the road. He was walking home after exercising for the entire day, and he now had an eighteen pack to prove for it, despite living on meals of only ramen. The rock flew all the way over to the crowd of obscure non-shipper BTS fans, who gladly accepted the rock as their new deity.
Taehyung, deciding that the front door was too straight for him, kicked it down. He was sparkling with (blood,) sweat(, and tears) with his majestic bowl cut shining in the golden afternoon light.
He was really pissed today. Jungkook was in denial about his gayness again, completely ignoring the fact that his dick didn't agree with him.
Jeon Jungkook looked up with all of his two eyes as soon as Tae entered the room. "Hey," he said nonchalantly.
All of a sudden, Tae felt compelled to yell at him for being a dick (because holy hell, he sure could go for some dick right now). Instead, he sighed, closing the distance between himself and Jungkook in a few brisk strides. "I was just wondering... are you feeling gay yet?"
"No," Jungkook replied immediately. His t-shirt said slow burn on it.
"Okay," Taehyung said. With swift fingers, he grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it off over his head. He tossed the shirt to where the rock had gone and flexed his arms, the light catching on his eighteen-pack at a tantalizing angle. "What about now?"
"I'm too straight for this," J-Hope, whom no one had noticed was there, cursed under his breath and stormed out, his long face fluttering behind him. He was off to find his J-hoes.
"I still feel straight," Jungkook said with a shrug.
Tae frowned, his eyes narrowing. "Maybe you just need to watch some more gay porn."
He grabbed Jungkook by the bicep, pulling him to his feet, and led Jungkook over to the room next to theirs. The door was unlocked.
Inside, Jimin was on the couch, surrounded by his usual hoard of jams. He skillfully unscrewed the cap to a jar of jam while screwing Suga at the same time.
"See? Isn't that hot?" Tae asked.
"...Yeah." Jungkook sounded distracted. "But I'm still not gay."
"Oh my god, Jungkookie," Tae whined, turning on his heels and reentering his own apartment. Jungkook followed closely. "Just tell me. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Jungkook lied through his teeth, clearly under the foolish illusion that not talking about this issue would somehow worry Taehyung less.
But Taehyung was too much of an expert not to recognize Jungkook's bullshit. "Come on, I got an eighteen-pack just for you. Can you please tell me why you're denying your sexuality?"
Jungkook hung his head. "Tae," he began hesitantly, "I know you think I'm a great person and all–" Taehyung really didn't, but he let Jungkook continue his confession: "–but I'm actually... a criminal. I'm a murderer, Tae."
Taehyung raised an eyebrow. "Explain?"
"You have no idea how many Taekook fans that are out there," Jungkook lamented. "They had a life before they shipped us, but now they're just... trash. I've not only robbed them of their lives, but I've also been contributing to global warming all along. The Earth won't be able to sustain all of these useless trashpiles... if the world ends, you'll die with it too." He ducked his head, his hands trembling. "I don't want you to die, Tae."
Tae blinked, momentarily stunned. He hadn't signed up for all this angst. Finally, he smiled, taking Jungkook's right hand in his own. "Look. I don't care," he said honestly. "You're Jeon Jungkook and I love you, murderer or not. Nothing's going to change that."
Jungkook stiffened and looked up. "You mean it?"
Taehyung laughed. "Yeah. Now, are we over that? I really want your Jungcock inside my V."
Now that his angsty feelings had dissipated, Jungkook could finally see the world for what it was. Wait– holy shit, had Tae just talked dirty to him? His eyes wandered over to Tae's chest. Of course Tae wasn't wearing a shirt. And he currently had... (four, five, six, seven, eight...) an eighteen-pack? He'd gone to the gym just for Jungkook? Holy hell. Holy fucking hell. The gayness was overpowering, and Jungkook suddenly felt extremely lightheaded.
This is the story about how Jungkook died.