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Arm around his shoulders as the two guys walked down the packed street walk, laughing, complaining about the crazy things both had seen at their jobs, one of them was sipping a monster energy drink since in a few hours he’d be going to work.
“It’s crazy man! At the age of 25 I have unlocked what people have at like 65!” Baku complained while rubbing his back, making his friend laugh.
“Ha! I did that way before you!” Gotak teased him, now he had learned to joke about them.
As his friend was about to say anything, right before their eyes, they saw a car hit a bike at full speed, sending the biker flying, the whole scene lasted only a couple of seconds, the crash, people screaming, some running away, other getting closer to see, only then Gotak and Baku started to walk through the crowd.
“Make way people, move back!” Baku, whom, to the shock of everyone, had become a police officer, was dealing with the crowd while also mentally noting the plate of the car that drove away. Hyun-tak kept on telling people to not move the person at all, that he could have a spinal cord injury and moving him could make him paralyzed. Gently he grabbed his arm to check the pulse, it was slow but steady so his attention was stolen by the open fracture on his right arm, even though he was wearing all the protective gear, the speed and the collision with the asphalt had burnt his skin, two of his fingers appeared to be broken too. He heard him cough before wheezing, his chest wasn’t moving properly, he opened the helmet so he could let more air get in, that’s when he froze: those eyes, once so fierce and so full of life, were wide open, his skin was turning red as he struggled to breathe.
Hyun-tak thought quickly, he looked around, looking for something useful as Baku was giving directions to the paramedics too.
“Give me that, the pen please” the nurse looked at a teenager whom looked at him scared but still, with shaky hands, she gave him her pricey mechanical pen.
After thanking her, he looked back the victim, lifted his shirt so he could see the ribs better, his eyes froze when he saw the small puppy tattoo on his last rib, but he moved automatically, almost like he was taught in nursing school, he counted his ribs, three from under his right collar bone, then, just when Baku got closer, he stabbed the chest with the pen, removing the top part of it, letting the air get into the collapsed lung. The victim finally took a deep breath but as soon as he did that, he lost consciousness.
“Seong-je?” Gotak asked alarmed and Baku looked at him confused before his eyes widening but they got saved when finally both the police and the paramedics came through.
“I will go with them, I need to go to work anyway”
He didn’t wait for any response from his friend, already moving into the ambulance, not knowing how his excuse did not convince his friend at all.
“What is going on?” Gotak asked alarmed when he heard the machines beeping and his blood pressure dropping quickly.
“He is losing blood quickly somewhere, it’s not only his arm” the paramedics started driving faster and faster, beeping at the cars whom wouldn’t move away. Hyun-tak couldn’t help but stare at the scene in front of him as the paramedics shocked him into getting a normal heartbeat when it had gotten to a dangerous rhythm.
“That was a close one” the paramedic, whom was using an ambu bag to ventilate him, sighed out of relief.
“We are three minutes away, he has to make it, he is so young” the other said and Gotak saw hi eyes get watery, they he remembered that a few months ago, when he was still working in the emergency department, people were talking about the fact that the trauma patient was the son of one of their paramedics… he did not make it.
“He will, he is a fighter” he said, almost in a way to convince himself more than them.
The scene at the hospital was the typo of organized chaos people would only see in tv shows. An equipe of three doctors and four nurses was waiting for them, they kept on asking questions as they they transferred Seong-je on a bed, only for Hyun-tak to ask them to be careful. Seong-je had no id on him, so he found himself telling the nurses his name and small details he remembered, like he was the type of smoker who’d smoke two packets of cigarettes on a day.
It hit him once things got slower, as the other had been stabilized and was waiting to be transferred in the ICU after he had gotten a ct scan and a mri done. He felt his hands dry and sticky at the same time, the smell of iron felt heavy just like all the stares he got from patients. Only then he looked at his hands, covered in blood, there was some on his shirt as well. His hands got shaky and ran to the closest bathroom, harshly washing his hands, still shaky, for a nurse it was bad to get shaky hands at the sight of blood.
That wasn’t any kind of blood though, it belonged to him.
A groan left his lips as he washed his face, not so gently hitting his cheeks in a way to wake himself up.
“Get a grip, man” he whispered to himself but as soon as he went closer to that room, wanting to ask how he was doing and telling the nurses that he had to clock in for his own shift, he froze once again that night. Seeing him there, breathing thanks to a machine, with several broken bones and god knew what else, he couldn’t help the tear running down his cheek.
“You gotta open your eyes, Je, you have to”
For once, things in the PICU unit were calm, his coworker had brought a huge pizza for all of them, but he couldn't bring himself to eat, he felt like his stomach had been sealed, even drinking his usual energy drink seemed like a chore to him. So he sat there, doing care plans for his little patients and making sure that everything was noted on their charts… when he looked at his watch, he realized that those were going to be the longest 12 hours ever.
It was time for them to check on the patients and help the nurse aid to change the little ones, he liked that part of the job, interacting with the little ones was something he always looked forward, especially when it was time to feed them.
“I heard that there was a crazy crush earlier” Ryujin said while fixing everything and Hyun-tak made sure that the incubator was working properly.
“Mhh, I was there when it happened, that car went straight for that bike” a sigh left his lips, his hands slightly shaking at the thought of that.
“Oh- oh my! Are you ok?” the woman turned to look at him with wide eyes but he simply smiled nodding.
“Just a bit shaken up”
The rest of the shift had been a true nightmare, so chaotic that he truly regretted not having his break when he had the time for it. His stomach was full of acid, the aftermath of drinking too many energy drinks on an empty stomach and to top it off, his phone had died so he would have had to wait for the bus instead of taking a taxi.
His feet froze in front of the ICU door, he stared and those huge white doors for around five minutes before shaking his head, taking a deep breath and starting to walk towards the elevator but he didn’t even make it to it. Gotak went back against better judgment, he used his badge to go in and asked the nurses on updates on the patient, only to find out that the had managed to stabilize him completely a few hours before, they couldn’t give him more information about his case since he wasn’t a family member but Hyun-tak’s heart ached because the other didn’t have a family, his mother was in jail after killing his father and he didn’t have any siblings. Still, they allowed him to visit the guy, only because he was a nurse in that hospital too.
After wearing the protective gear, he sat on the chair next to the bed, his eyes stinging, anger growing and growing inside his body, so much that a frustrated laugh left his lips as he tried to hold back the tears.
“You fucking moron, I told you that you’d get yourself killed” his voice was a hiss as he gently touched his hand with shaky hands, his body was so cold, he used to have warm hands even in the middle of winter.
“You haven’t changed at all, I haven’t seen you in five years and you look the same as that day” Hyun-tak took a deep breathe.
After the Union disappeared, the two of them had somehow found themselves to be in each other’s company very often, that’s how that something they had for a few months started, of course without his friends knowing about it, especially Baku whom always worried over him almost the same way as his mother did, plus how was he going to explain to them that he was going out with Seongje out of all the people. They’d have arguments over it all the time, especially when Hyun-tak would cancel plans last minute so he could hang out without them without seeming sus.
“Why are you always alone?” finally, the tears started to spill aggressively.
Even back then, even though he was surrounded by people, he was still alone. He’d crave physical contact of all sorts because as long as someone was touching him, even beating up, that was alright.
After around ten minutes, a nurse told him that it was time to go, he really tried to ask for more time, but the nurse was rightfully strict since it wasn’t even visitation hours.
“I will be back later, so, make sure that cold heart of yours is still beating when I am back” with a sad smile on his face, he gently stroked his cheek, little did he know, that he could hear him, that those words were a reason to try more.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore” those words came out in a rush, messy, definitely not like he had been rehearsing for the past week.
“Come on, it hasn’t even been five minutes!” Seong-je said while still running, sure that his boyfriend was complaining of being tired already, the last few weeks he had become lazier.
“Us, I am talking about us” his heart felt like he was going to die, his feet seemed to be sinking into the ground, and honestly, he wish he was.
“The fuck are you talking about?” he really wished that he had heard it wrong, that it was all a misunderstanding. His feet moved before his brain did, he walked back, slowly, his fists clenching as he tried to stay calm.
“I can’t keep on lying to my friends and my mother” his vice came out shaky despise his best efforts.
“Then don’t” Seong-je shrugged, he had always hated that, hiding as if he was something to be ashamed of.
“You know I can’t do that”
Seong-je bursted out laughing, the street lights were bothering his eyes because of his astigmatism, or maybe it was the tears forming on them but he refused to let them out.
“You’ve always been like this: a coward” he ran his hand through his messy hair, pushing them back.
“You care about people’s opinions too much”
“Not all of us have the luck of simply not caring”
“I cared about you but I guess your little friends are more important” he scoffed.
“You’re never going to change”
“Good luck chasing dreams, I will keep on doing my thing”
He had woken up more tired than he already was and after talking a bit on the phone with his mother, he grabbed his wallet and went to the convenience store, wanting to grab a bite before heading to the hospital. As he walked inside, the old man that been running that shop for twenty years greeted him with a smile, like every single day, telling him they had more deals than usual, Gotak smiled back at him, thanking him politely before slowly walking between the shelves; even that common place was so full of memories. The store was twenty minutes away from both the school and his childhood home, so it was a safe place to meet with Seong-je without fearing of being seen. The two of them would stay there after school, sometimes Hyun-tak would pretend to be studying only to ignore him, wanting to annoy him, just like Seong-je would annoy him all the time.
He didn’t take the lift, he used the stairs to get to the sixth floor, his lungs were screaming for help but it was his knee the one hurting the most, but he kept on moving mechanically, until he stopped when he saw cops in front of the ICU, his best friend was there too.
“Baku?” he called out his friend, getting closer to him.
“Gotak, hey! You will never guess what I just found out” Baku had a weird expression, as if he wasn’t believing it either.
“I will guess it after you tell me why there is a whole tactic unit in my hospital”
“It’s about that bastard” he pointed towards the door with his head.
“WHAT?! What did he do?!” his eyes widened in shock as he could barely keep his voice low.
“That’s the crazy part, nothing bad actually! I was called in today to cover for a captain whom didn’t show up for duty, turns out that psycho is a cop now”
As Humin explained what was going on, Hyun-tak felt like everything was spinning, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was the shock or maybe it was the fact that he had doubted him now and back then too, when he had looked at those eyes of his and told him that he was never going to change.
“A-are you sure? These guys are his squad?” Gotak pointed at six men and a lady, all sitting close together, heads low as if they were praying, then he looked back at his friend whom nodded.
“They wanted to be here but in a minute we will have to go, not sure those guys will be happy to”
His legs were wobbly as he walked towards his room, then a sharp pain shot through his knee, making him lose balance, luckily he laid against the wall and for some reason, tears started to stream down his face.
It wasn’t because of his knee, something in him hurt deeper than that.
He watched him through the glass, not wanting to go inside. There was some guilt inside of him, there had always been, there were times where he had wished that he’d go back in time and take it back, he’d wish that Seong-je would have put up a fight, but now, knowing that, he just wished he had reached out somehow, in his weird, creepy like ways… but he did not, he stood away.
Did he have someone else?
The idea of that made his blood boil even though he knew he had no right, he was the one to end the relationship.
While those ideas multiplied inside his head, suddenly the alarms in room went off, his body started to shake and spasm, then he saw him suddenly sit, grabbing his chest. He knew those sounds all too well, and before he could really think about it, he ran inside the room, not waiting for another nurse, worried it might take too long.
“Hey, hey, listen to me, you need to try and stay very still while I remove the oxygen tube”
It was like talking to a wall, so he grabbed his face and for the first time ever, he saw fear in his eyes.
“You were in accident, you are in a hospital and you’re choking on the oxygen tube, let me help you or else they will need to sedate you” just when he said that, the door opened by a nurse rushing in.
“I’ve got this Hyun-tak, you have to wait outside the room” she placed a hand on his shoulder for a brief moment before getting Seong-je to lay down again.
“Now”
Against his will, he forced himself to get out, he laid his back against the wall, sitting on the floor and bringing his knees to his chest, it felt like it was in flames, he couldn’t regulate his breathing nor his thoughts, all he could think about was the fact that he had almost lost him.
His coworker told him that he could visit him for a brief moment after the doctor visited him, that it was best to let him rest so he could recover better.
When Gotak got inside the room Seong-je had eyes closed, for a moment he thought he was sleeping.
“I didn’t know that nurses could treat their exes”
After all those years of not seeing each other and that’s what he had to start the conversation with.
“I am not here as a nurse” his voice came lower than he intended it to be.
“You have no other reason to be here then”
It was well deserved but it still hurt.
“You really shouldn’t be moving” Gotak said once the other tried to change position, he struggled a bit but still managed, after all he had a very high pain tolerance plus the drugs that been given to him were still doing their thing.
“I have to go to work… there were your coworkers here earlier, they truly seemed to care about you” he took a step back and watched the man look at him, he seemed surprised too.
“Tell your boyfriend to not let them come back here and turn off the lights, it’s bothering my eyes” he showed him a fake smile before closing his eyes, he had a terrible headache.
While he walked to his own floor Gotak couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Seong-je knew that Baku and him worked as captains of the tactic squads… of course he knew, he had always been good and keeping track of things.
Those eyes.
Every time he tried to sleep he kept on seeing that look on his face.
Was that worry for him?
Was it as Go Hyun-tak or as a nurse?
A groan left his lips, he moved the blanket away, a sharp pain traveled through his body when he tried to get up, he couldn’t stand to be in that room any longer but until they’d move in to a general ward, he’d be stuck in the white box like room that smelled of disinfectant and sadness.
He couldn’t stop thinking about his bike, he had just finished paying for it two months prior, considering that he had ended up in a coma the accident must have been horrendous.
“Fucking shit” he rolled his eyes annoyed, why did everything have to suck all the time?
“What is wrong with me? That fucker’s name is all I can think about” Seong-je rolled his eyes once again and ran his hand through his hair and as he did so, someone knocked at the door, thinking it might be a nurse, he welcomed them in, only to find that puppy like face walk through the door.
“How are you feeling?”
“I am fine” he shrugged but the movement made his chest muscles burn.
“I am serious, nurse Jaebom told me that you don’t want pain killers” Gotak closed the door behind him and got closer to the bed.
“I got fucking hit by a car, how do you think I am feeling?”
“That’s more like you… so why are you declining them?” he raised an eyebrow and sat at the chair, looking at him as if he was a puzzle to solve but the truth was that it was impossible, each time he’d look at him from a different perspective, the solution seemed to change.
“Because as long as I feel pain I know I am alive”
That answer shattered his heart into a billion pieces.
“I could hear everything, Hyun-tak, I felt like I was trapped in my own body” Seong-je was the first to look away even though it lasted only a moment.
“You don’t have to suffer to feel alive. I will remind it to you each time you have a doubt”