Chapter Text
It was the entire group's first time in New York and there was so much to explore and sightsee. The bustling American city was similar to Seoul but different in so many ways. As they roamed the unfamiliar streets they recorded a special vlog for their fans. Keeping memories of all their firsts in the country.
Although most people wouldn’t recognize them, they got stopped a couple times by people passing by asking if they were K-pop idols. Jiung's hair gave him extra attention, he became hyper conscious about his bright teal strands acting as a “Look at me!” sign.
Some people even stopped to ask for a picture. He appreciated everyone's kindness but all the eyes on him was an experience he wasn’t familiar with yet.
After shopping and being dragged around with all the members through the streets of New York all he wants is to get ready for bed. It was only around seven in the evening when the youngest three split with the group to go back to the hotel. The sun was dipping behind the skyscraper buildings, a chill coming in and nipping at his cheeks and neck. It was the middle of September and the cozy vibes were in full effect in the city, he loved it.
Keeho was mid bite of a chocolaty churro when Taeyang slapped his arm so hard he chokes.
“Guyss look!” Jiung turns around to see what he pointed out.
A bar that looked pretty packed. Vibrant and bustling with adults that still had -teen at the end of their name and twenty somethings that were still figuring themselves out.
“We should go in and have a couple of drinks..” The cheeky tone Taeyang had right now only meant one thing, he was gonna have regrets in the morning.
They stay in the bar for a couple of hours having one to many drinks. Eventually Taeyang calls it quits and they all hop into the back of a small uber to the hotel.
Once the elevator stops on their floor they step out and Taeyang splits ways with the other two for his room with Intak. “Goodnight guysss!” He’s somehow still full of so much energy after the day they had.
Jiung and Keeho stumble into their cramped hotel room, the taste of alcohol clinging to their tongues and bodies. Keeho throws some bags of his new accessories on the desk with his carry on bag. Jiung simply shucks his shoes off. His feet hurt too much to care where they ended up.
The stale smell of the hotel room makes his head hurt and feel dizzy that his body falls onto the nearest bed, something smooshing underneath his stomach. “JIUNG! Get up you're smashing my new shoes omg!” He doesn’t know how they ended up there. He could’ve sworn there was nothing on the bed before he let gravity take over.
“Jeez you care about them more than me.” Keeho rolls his eyes, tugging him up from the bed.
“Right now yeah! Why did we even get two beds if you were just going to lay in mine?” Keeho's cold hand wrapping around Jiung's wrist gives him a chill.
His touch lingers for a couple seconds too long. Jiung is waiting for him to let go, staring at their connected limbs.
“You can let go now..” Flustered and shaken, Keeho drops his arm instantly. “ I was going to, just trying to make sure you actually got up!” Jiung scoffs and chuckles. “Wow, I feel so loved right now.”
Jiung feels icky and wants to get out of the clothes he’s been wearing for the past twelve hours. Their luggage was already neatly placed in the closet when they arrived. He carefully sets his down on the floor and unzips it. He rummages through until he finds the pouch he needs.
“I’m hopping in the shower.” Jiung's eyes gazed over to Keeho where he was now lounging in his bed giggling at some English video on his phone. He shakes his head and heads into the tiny ensuite closing the door behind him.
The activities they spent the entire day doing exhausted him and all he wants is to cozy up in the hotel sheets. Jiung quickly turns the shower on, making the water extra hot so his muscles can relax. Even though they had an off day today, they were constantly preparing to film for their next comeback and performances they had planned in the city. It was the overwhelming and never churning life of an idol.
He decides to wash up quickly, keeping in mind Keeho hadn’t had a chance to shower yet. As he got in and started to wash up his subconscious floods with everything he still needs to do. Right now there wasn’t much he could do about any of it though.
His personal practice room was miles away. Though he enjoyed traveling to new cities he always had the next comeback or recording in the back of his mind. It was a never ending cycle that he couldn’t escape from, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
The countless hours he spent in the practice room busting his ass to make sure he got approval from management was all worth it in the end. He used to dream what it would be like. To travel with a group of people he would call family, making new memories and performing on any stage they could set their feet on. Intak was always by his side throughout it all, the two cooped up in a windowless dance studio for hours pushing their bodies to its limits.
He often thinks about how much of his teenage years he missed out on, but it was in no comparison to Jongseob and Shota. Those two missed out on so much more and his heart often twisted for the younger two.
That fresh drive and fire that he used to have was starting to burn out now. He was only at the end of his first year, still a rookie some would say. But the chaos of schedules, performances, fan signs, it all put so much pressure on him. When he came back to the dorm all he had time for was sleeping a couple hours then waking up again the next day at an ungodly hour.
Regardless of how much mental strain he has right now. Jiung made sure to lock it up and keep it away from the fans and his members. He didn’t want to be the cause for their lack of success. Plus it had to get better eventually right? Or maybe he would regret it—but that wasn’t important right now.
The future has too many possibilities that scares him, he wants to stay in the present. Plus he has a small opportunity to unwind and it wouldn’t last long at all. Over his depressing thoughts Jiung finishes up his shower and turns the water off.
As he steps out of the shower he heads to the mirror and wipes of the condensation. Looking at his reflection he realizes how overdue he was for shaving his moustache. His upper lip always casting a faint shadow after a couple weeks of it growing out. He sighed and reached beside him for his pajamas, instead just grasping at air.
He forgot them in his luggage, outside in the closet.
So he opens the door and heads for all his belongings except he runs into something warm and hard. “Oh shit! Jiung- I didn’t know you were coming out already.” Keeho was standing two meager inches away from him. His hands filled with a couple toiletry pouches and his face bewildered.
“I was just about to knock so I could take my makeup off–” His eyes drag down Jiung’s bare chest and snaps back up within another second before he could see his abdomen too. A furious flush drapes over his face and swiftly he heads back for his bed.
“Oh. You can still come in. I just forgot my pajamas.” Jiung slowly crept out of the bathroom where Keeho had just collided with him, peering behind the wall to see him laying face down on his bed.
“No it’s ok just finish getting dressed first!” His shout is muffled by the white fluffy pillow he seems to be suffocating himself with.
What is wrong with him? Ever since they got back from the hotel he was being extra weird.
“Ok..” Jiung mumbles softly, looking at him quizzically for a couple more seconds before grabbing his clothes and changing swiftly.
Jiung walks over in between the two beds, maneuvering around his earlier forgotten shoes. He bends down to gently tap on Keeho's shoulder. The boy in front of him slowly turns his face from the strangulation of the pillow. His eyes that were squeezed shut adjusted to the warm light of the room to look at Jiung's body once over. A relieved sigh left his mouth when he saw him dressed now.
“Uh– I was just going to say I’m finished now you don’t have to keep suffocating yourself.” Keeho’s face flushes a gentle red again, his voice whiny and full of guilt. “I wasn’t doing that! I was just suddenly– really tired and needed a power nap.”
Jiung smiles down at him and shakes his head. “Ok whatever Keeho I’m gonna lay down now.”
He adjusts the perfectly manicured bed to his liking leaving the top sheet striped away and one pillow for him to lay his head on. He is halfway in the bed when Keeho stops him. “WAIT– I forgot to ask you earlier.” Jiung sits down on the edge of the bed by the nightstand dividing the two beds. “What was it?”
“I wanted to talk to the fans for a little bit on live and I wanted you to join me..” His voice came out ten times quieter this time. Even though Jiung was really looking forward to just sleeping and reading one of his books. He could never say no to the cute man who looked almost anxious for his answer.
Jiung sighs and sits on the edge of his bed fiddling the ring on his index finger. “For how long?” Keeho sits up immediately at his response. “I was thinking no longer than an hour and a half!” He pretends to think about it for a while before giving Keeho an answer.
“Okay. I’ll do it–” His words were cut off by a big force pushing him down on the bed. Keeho had just thrown himself on top of him, squeezing him in a hug. “And that’s why I love you. Thank you Ungie!”
Keeho pulls away and smiles at him. One that was so full of joy and radiating, one that made Jiung's heart unbearably clench. Maybe it was the alcohol. I mean he did feel a little dizzy especially after the steam from his shower.
“Ok! Let me take my makeup off real fast and we can have a couple drinks before we get on.” And with that the moment was over. He sits there feeling dazed as Keeho grabs his cosmetic bags again and waltzes into the bathroom.
A couple minutes go by and the sound of loud pop music interrupts the fog in his brain. He decides to get set up for the live show while Keeho’s busy. As usual he grabs a chair from the makeshift desk and the arm chair that sat in front of the curtains and shoves them side by side. He moves the coffee table in front of the two chairs and grabs his phone to set up on the table.
With some weird sense Keeho yells over his music exactly as he finishes. “Can you also grab the green bag on the desk?” Jiung didn’t notice the bag before, in it was a copious variety of snacks and lying next to them was enough drinks for at least two more people. When the hell did Keeho get these? I was literally in the bathroom for fifteen minutes.
A couple of more minutes pass and Keeho finally exits the bathroom. He was set with a ridiculous headband Keeho mentioned not too long ago as a character named Hangyodon. Honestly Jiung doesn’t even know how he remembers that because it was one of those times he was yapping his head off.
“Ok! I’m ready when you are.” Keehos face is cutely flushed. Without his usual stage makeup all his sharp features become super soft and cute. Gosh that’s like the fifth time I’ve called him cute. What's wrong with me?
“Why did you get so much alcohol, aren't you tipsy enough?” Keeho giggles at that and sits down in the other chair next to Jiung.
He looks at Jiung intently, something serious lining his tone. “ I thought it would be fun for us to drink alone. I mean we rarely have a chance to hang out with just the two of us and I’ve missed you.”
The way Keeho looks at him right now like he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else and how sincere his words sound. It’s all too much for Jiung right now.
But this was something completely different, he had never so bluntly admitted something in this way. Jiung brushes the comment off and chuckles awkwardly messing around with the green bag to avoid eye contact. He quietly admits under his breath. “Yeah me too.”
He feels the tension in the air loosen a bit as Keeho goes to open one of the many soju bottles lying on the table. Some styrofoam cups were accommodated in the room and they used those to pour the sweet alcohol into. They both quietly sip on their drinks not really knowing what to say.
“I'm going to start the live now. Just make sure they can’t see the actual bottles.” Jiung moves to grab his phone pulling up the live stream app and hitting the red go live button.
After a minute of waiting slowly fans start to creep in. Rows and rows of greetings flood the comment section and they happily say hello to their fans. A couple commenters ask how they like the U.S. so far. To which they both give a simple but sweet answer. How it’s crowded in New York, the few fans they came across, and the beautiful skylines.
The live continues on with them answering questions. Keeho leads into a couple stories about a traumatizing encounter with a rat and Jiung about how he feels about his new hair color, the strands still bleeding out so much every time he washes it.
Suddenly Keeho breaks the silence with a strange comment. “You look like one of those cartoon characters that walk around at night holding a candle.” Jiung looks down at his striped white and blue pajamas and starts to protest the annoying comment.
“Ah I can’t even wear pajamas without getting teased.” Keeho quickly retorts, “No! I think you look really cute in that actually..” His words die off slowly leaving the air with that tingly tension again. Now it was Jiung’s turn to blush and his face heated up profusely.
It wasn’t the first time Keeho had complimented him, squeezing his cheeks and giving him absurd amounts of affection. But once again the way Keeho said it— sounded so intimate. Jiung shook his head pushing the ridiculous thought away. Gosh was the alcohol already having this much of an effect on him? He barely had a couple more sips.
“But seriously-” His laughter can't be contained, interrupting his words. “All you’re missing is one of those long hats.” Jiung makes an annoyed face and rubs his temple with his middle and pointer fingers.
“Can you guys believe him?” Pointing at Keeho with a playfully agitated face. He glances at the comment section where the fans are agreeing with Keehos comment. Some were calling him cute and others just endeared by the interaction.
Eventually, Keeho opens up one of the snacks he bought lazily munching away as they talk. Jiung glances over for a moment to look at him and there’s a plethora of crumbs littered on his face. Keeho looks back at him with a clueless face, the headband still pushing his hair back leaving his forehead exposed. “Whats wrong?”
His hand is moving towards the sides of Keeho’s lips before he can even think about it. His thumb gently brushing away the pink crumbs of the strawberry snack. Keeho freezes at the action, his eyes locked onto Jiung's face. Keeping close track of the way Jiung’s fingers caress him and the way his eyes are locked onto his lips.
Jiung can't help but want to move his thumb even closer to his lips just to feel if they are as soft as they look. Almost suddenly they both remember that they are sitting in front of thousands of fans watching their every move and Jiung’s fingers break away from his face as if it hurt to touch him.
Keeho clears his throat and turns away facing the camera again, messing around with some of the other snacks, ignoring the flood of comments with question marks and shocked reactions.
At this point Jiung has decided to stop drinking completely. There was no way in hell that he was gonna allow himself to do that again. He wishes he could blame the mind tainting liquid on his actions but something so alluring about that black haired boy pulls out instincts he has never had for anyone else.
The live moves along smoothly without any more weird incidents. Keeho shuffles some of his songs and they do a bit of karaoke like old times. Letting the alcohol control their voices and singing a bit too loudly. At one point Jiung gets up and starts dancing, moving along to the upbeat rhythm of an early 2000’s song.
Keeho looks at him shocked and starts to cackle loudly. The sound was beautiful and it made him dance even harder. So much so that he almost missed Keeho getting up to join him. They move around in flimsy movements not caring about how they looked letting themselves move through the noise of the music.
It was nearing 1 am once they ended the live. It was so easy for Jiung to lose track of time when he was with Keeho. There had been a time during predebut where they talked from sunset to sunrise. He would never forget that night. The way Keeho was able to open up about all his worries like it was nothing, the way Jiung comforted him, held his hand and gently whispered that it would all be okay if they were by each other's side.
They never brought up that moment again, but it brought them closer, something festering in the background. Letting the quiet knowingness speak for itself in the passing months.
Jiung removes himself from the warm memory and glances to his left to find Keeho holding his head up with a balled up fist. Softly staring at him with a small knowing grin growing on his face.
"Why are you smiling?" Jiung chuckles nervously and shifts in his chair. Keeho lets out a deep breath and opens his mouth to speak but then closes it again. Instead he scoots his chair impossibly closer earning a small gasp out of Jiung. The noise obviously excites Keeho as his breath hitches at the sound.
Only the two of them are in the room, the ac blaring but Jiung feels immensely warmed. All of this heat building inside of him is now bubbling over. Keeho moves his hand to stroke and pat at his teal strands. The practiced action was so comforting that Jiung let his eyes close for a moment leaning into his gentle touch.
His eyes slowly open as Keeho's hand halts. He lets out a plea with his eyes begging him to not stop. But his hands move from his hair down to cup Jiung's face stroking his cheek. "God you are so fucking pretty."Keeho is the type of guy who expresses his love with constant physical touch and occasional phrases of affection.
This time the comment didn't surprise him, it just feeds the burning ache inside of him. He wants to be even closer, to feel his hands caressing him, to feel his lips on his.
Neither one of them could hide what they were so desperate for because Keeho looked just as hungry or even more than Jiung. With that, Jiung lunges forward and captures Keeho's lips in his. One of his hands moving to cradle the side of Keeho’s head and the other gripping softly at his pants. Their lips move sloppily and hurriedly as if this moment would disappear.
By accident Keeho bites Jiung's lip and he whines loudly into his mouth. It was one of the sweetest sounds Keeho had ever heard and he did everything it took to pull it out of Jiung again. He swiftly grabs Jiung's waist and tugs him onto his lap.
Their rushed pace left them pulling apart to catch their breath for a second. Hands intertwined in clothes and hair. The two staring into the others eyes asking all the questions they don't dare to actually voice. Jiung is impatiently waiting for him to make another move because he dare to be that bold again.
This time Keeho leans in first being much gentler than Jiung was before. Their lips collide perfectly into one another letting the messy movements of their mouths guide them. Keeho's hand snakes up the front of Jiung's pajama shirt revealing the inked skin underneath it. He slightly caresses over the area near his abdomen in small circles.
Something darts out into Jiung's mouth and he realizes it's Keeho's tongue. Naturally his mouth invites him in, curious for more of those new sensations. Keeho licks along his tongue and continues the movements of his lips now with more saliva.
Jiung's hands move up and down Keeh's broad chest wanting to feel more. He had too many clothes on, he needed to feel his bare skin. Keeho's hand had now found its way back to the curves of Jiung's waist again keeping him steady in his lap.
The room was filled with heavy breathes here and there and gentle moans that seeped out when they came up for air.
Keeho pulls Jiung away from his lips cradling his head between his hands. "I want so much more but I don't think—" Jiung interrupts the thought with a sudden kiss that the other boy can't resist. "Mm— Jiung— Please listen to me first."
With that Jiung pulled away worry filling his face. "What's wrong, am I not good enough?"
Keeho lets out a wet laugh. "No. You are perfect. I couldn't ask for something better." He lets his gaze go down to the floor now. Jiung notices the shift in the mood the way Keeho's face loses that loving and hungry gaze. "But this is wrong." He aired out pointing between the two of them.
Keeho sucks in a breath and Jiung is trying to catch his eyes but he won't look at him. "Come here." Keeho pulls Jiung into his arms, lifting his entire body up and moving him to lie on his bed.
"Keeho stop, just talk to me." Keehos eyes were elsewhere, not truly looking at him. Jiung's heart sputtered, an ache that couldn't be soothed ran through his chest. This feeling wasn't supposed to happen right now. Then again what are they doing?
"Please can you just look at me." Jiung moves to bring Keehos face to look at him but he pulls away first. "We— we can't do this Jiung, it's not right." His face looks so pained and disgusted like he couldn't believe the moment they just shared.
The words made all of the remnants of Jiung's last meal stir to his throat but he pushes it down instead moving to sit on his knees so he can be eye level with Keeho. He slowly grabs his wrist so he won't scare him away anymore.
"Keeho look at me." His tone is gentle but firm and eventually Keeho looks back up at him.
"Now tell me exactly what you mean, what's not right?" Keeho tries to pull away but Jiung tightens his grip.
Jiung's breathing was still erratic, his lips swollen and plump with some of Keeho’s saliva drying up by the second from their former engagements. He was staring at Keeho like he held the world in his hands.
In reality his heart was already shattering by the second. He knew nothing would ever be the same after this.
“Jiung-ah I wish we had met in another life, maybe then this could be something real." Jiung sucks in a sharp breath and everything becomes harder to inhale. Keeho looks at him sincerity stricken through him, eyes red, and water brimming at the edges.
Jiung can tell how much this hurt him to say but it just doesn't make sense why won't he try for him? Jiung wants to protest, he wants to say how can something that makes me feel this light, this happy, be so wrong? But maybe Keeho is right, they are idols after all.
This life is not made for secret situation ships let alone relationships. Admitting it feels like a lie though, a temporary fix, something to soothe the sour ache that will linger in his heart for months to come.
He sniffles as salty tears roll down his cheek slowly. "Keeho please I don't care about that right now I just want you close to me. Please?" He knows that his pleading will make Keeho give in even if he shouldn't. He doesn't give a damn.
"God I want to kill everyone who makes you look like this, who makes you hurt like this, but it’s me. What does that make me?"
Jiung kept quiet at the question he had no answer or maybe the truth was simply too real to admit.
He pulls Keeho closer until his arms are wrapped around his shoulder and he's laying in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry Jiung." He sobs tears soaking his striped pajamas. " I wish I could be someone better for you."
I wish you could be too.
Jiung wipes away the salty water on his face and pulls Keeho away to look him in the eyes. "No you listen to me Keeho. You are amazing and maybe you're right, maybe we met at the wrong time. But that doesn't mean that what we feel is wrong, it doesn't have to be."
"Please don't let it be." He whispers pleadingly.
"Ung you know we can't, it's vile— it's so shameful!" Like a punch to the gut the words knock the air out of him. The way Keeho talks about that brief moment together. It shatters him.
" I can't believe what got over me, I'm not supposed to be like that ." Like that.
Like me? He wants to ask but he just holds it in, pulling into the already overstuffed baggage that overtime has grown into dust lying inside of him.
“I’m supposed to be the leader of this group and I’m already failing at that. This would just–”
Before Keeho can say more, Jiung quiets him."Shhh. Don't worry about it, come here and sleep it off." Jiung truly couldn't believe the situation he was in right now.
Comforting the man who just broke his heart just because he couldn't bear to see him in this much confusing pain. A wave of a familiar feeling comes over him, the memory he was pondering about earlier coming back. It was sickening the warm and familiar memory crushing him further as he acknowledged the current state of them now. Their bodies close to each other but their hearts further apart than ever.
Keeho begrudgingly moves to the top of the bed with Jiung shaky hands clutching to the front of his wet pajama shirt. Jiung pulls the covers from underneath them until they are tucked in together, their bodies clinging together like magnets.
They lie there in silence for a while, the noise of cars down on the street and the air conditioner continuing to buzz in the background.
"I'm sorry." Keeho’s voice was now tiny and defeated. The ache in Jiung's heart was unbearable now. He didn't shift to look at him either, he just stared at the bare ceiling.
"I know—I know." Maybe repeating it would make his heart understand.
He speaks again, hesitant that Jiung will deny him. "Can we stay like this just for tonight?" Jiung can't bear to open his mouth to speak, afraid a sob will pry out. Instead he simply nods and strokes Keeho's arm.
Keeho moves his head closer to Jiung's chest, his breaths evening out and relaxing. Jiung tenses up more at the action but tries to keep his movements small and repressed.
It feels like hours go by until Keehos movements still and Jiung is left there with just his thoughts. He replays the moments in his head over and over. Until he feels numb. The feeling of their lips brushing past each other, Keehos hands all over his body, the dreadful words that left his mouth.
Jiung lets the unshed tears bode over and release. Though he keeps his shaking to a minimum so as to not disturb the sleeping body underneath him. It's something he's become good at with practice.
He doesn’t want to think about the future. He doesn’t want to imagine living where he can’t be in Keeho’s arms at night. His stomach twists and his heart aches. The day before he wouldn’t have felt so pained. But everything he has been pushing away is bubbling up and boiling over.
So with Keehos hushed breathing and his arm wrapped around his mid section Jiung weeps, he savors this touch until the sun rises again. He wishes for the moments they shared during pre-debut again. He wishes that he could turn back time so he wouldn’t be lying alone in this uncertain future.