Work Text:
I don't even miss you
Not for a second I'm not looking back, no
California reminds me of you, so I'll keep driving
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
The first thing Vic noticed about the dorm room was the smell of cheap body wash. He did not realise that this would become a scent that would linger with him for the next four weeks, or one that he would later recall as the summer when he was sixteen.
He stood in the doorway with a duffel bag over one shoulder and his guitar case in the other hand, and he looked at the room that was going to be his whole world until August ended.
There was a bunk bed, and two desks across the room, a window where you could see the parking lot. It wasn't anything impressive, but it was fine. Vic expected this. The bottom bunk was already made - his roommate had gotten here before him.
He heard the door open behind him, and a voice said, "Oh, hey, I didn't realize you were already here."
Vic turned around.
It was a skinny kid, slightly taller than Vic. His black hair fell in his face, a specific kind of messy that looked effortless but probably wasn't. His blue, almost gray eyes were looking directly at Vic, curious, as if they were trying to figure him out. He had a smile on his face, crooked and nervous.
"I'm Kellin, Kellin Quinn," the boy said. "I'm your roommate. I kind of, uh, claimed the bottom bunk already, sorry."
"It's fine," Vic said, his voice coming out weirdly high, "I prefer top bunk anyway. I'm Vic."
"Vic," Kellin repeated, "Nice. Do you play?" He gestured toward the guitar case.
"Yeah, you?"
"I sing, mostly. I also play the piano sometimes but I'm not, like, great at it." Kellin said, moving around the room and pulling something out of his bag.
Vic settled his duffel bag on the floor and started unpacking, and Kellin went on a ramble about how tiring the drive here was. He found himself smiling.
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The first week went by in a blur.
Kellin knocked over a music stand during the first ensemble rehearsal, causing the entire row of them to topple over like dominoes. He laughed and picked them up, and the conductor gave him a look like he was already worn out by this whirlwind of a boy.
He also stole Vic's water bottle on the fourth day and didn't give it back until the evening. When Vic complained half-heartedly, he just giggled and said, "I lost my own! And I'm a singer, I need to hydrate." Vic shook his head with a smile.
They had lunch together every day, and Vic had gotten used to the way Kellin talked with his hands, the way he'd gesture wildly when he was telling a story to other people at the table. Kellin always found someone to talk at the dining hall. Most of them Vic didn't know.
I guess he just gravitates toward people.
Vic wasn't like that. He was the kind of person that would sit quietly and wait to be noticed. And Kellin noticed him, in a way.
He was loud. He took up too much space. He'd laugh at his own jokes before even finishing them.
Vic ended up in the common room one night at two a.m. because he couldn't fall asleep. He had been lying in the top bunk for what felt like hours, staring at the ceiling. So he'd climbed down as quiet as he could, trying not to wake Kellin up, and padded down the hallway to the common room. No one was there, naturally - it was two in the morning. The only sources of light was the dim glow of the vending machine and the exit sign. He sat on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest.
Around ten minutes had went by before he heard some footsteps. He looked up, and Kellin was standing in the doorway, hair a mess and eyes half-opened. He was wearing an old t-shirt and pajama pants that were slightly too long on him.
"Hey," Vic said quietly.
"Hey," Kellin said back. "I kind of woke up and realized you weren't there, so I came looking for you."
Vic blinked. And before he had time to process what he said, Kellin had shuffled over on the couch and sat down next to him. A bit closer than he needed to.
"Did I wake you up?"
"I don't think so. But I'm a light sleeper." Kellin shrugged. "And I don't like being alone."
Vic swallowed.
"Alright." He looked at Kellin with a tentative smile. Kellin looked back before his eyes drifted past him, toward the window.
"It's kind of pretty, isn't it?" Kellin said quietly, gesturing at the window.
Vic turned. The common room window faced the city. The city itself was nothing special, really, but at night it looked different. The convenience store across the street was still open. The lights from the streetlamps and the scattered windows of the buildings made it almost look beautiful.
"Yeah," Vic answered quietly. "It is."
Vic turned back to look at Kellin for a second. The glow from the vending machine painted his face with a faint red, his eyes still fixated on the city.
They stayed there for a long time, long enough that Kellin started to yawn and his head started to droop.
"You should go back to bed," Vic chuckled, poking Kellin on the side.
"I know," Kellin mumbled. "But I don't want to. This is nice."
"Yeah, it is."
Kellin's head then tipped sideways and landed on Vic's shoulder. Vic almost froze.
"Just for a minute," Kellin slurred, "one minute."
Vic didn't move at first. Kellin's hair was against his neck, his shoulder was warm. His breathing was slow and even. And then Vic softened and rested his head on top of Kellin's.
He sat there in the dark, with Kellin's head on his shoulder, watching the city lights go out. He didn't know that he'd be thinking about this moment long after this day, playing it over and over again his head while lying in a lonely bed back in his hometown, long away from that summer.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
Vic was starting to notice something. He noticed that he was starting to think about Kellin when he wasn't with him. And he was thinking about Kellin when they were together, too. Just differently.
They were sitting across each other in the dining hall like they always did, with the noises of the room washing over them. Kellin was talking about something, about a song he was working on, or something his friend said, Vic didn't know. He wasn't listening.
Kellin was laughing. His whole face changed when he laughed, his eyes bright and crinkly at the corners, his head tipped back and mouth opened wide. It was the least cool thing Vic had ever seen, but he couldn't look away.
After Kellin's laugh settled into a grin, he turned his gaze back to Vic.
"Hey, you're not even listening," Kellin said. "I've been talking for, like, a solid ten minutes and you're just staring at me."
That didn't register. Vic was looking at Kellin's lips, the way they'd curl up as he smiled, the way his lower lip was a bit chapped and he kept running his tongue over it. He couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to -
"Vic."
Vic came out of it. "Yeah?"
"Do I have something on my face?" Kellin touched his chin, brows furrowed in confusion. "Is there - do I have ketchup on me?"
Vic felt the heat crawling up his neck. He grabbed his water bottle just to have something to do with his hands. "No, there's nothing on your face."
"Then why were you staring?"
"Was I?" Vic said, trying to keep his cool, though his heart was probably beating a thousand times a minute, "I was just, zoned out, I guess."
Kellin looked at him for a second, amused. His head tilted slightly to the left, as if he was trying to figure out if Vic was lying. And he was. He was lying so hard his hands were starting to sweat. But Kellin didn't say anything, he shrugged and reached over to steal a fry from Vic's tray.
Kellin was now grinning at him again. Vic looked down at his tray.
I want to kiss him.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
Kellin was sitting on the piano stool, playing some soft chords. It sounded vaguely familiar. Vic was sitting on the floor, holding his guitar. He was supposed to be working on a song for his songwriting class, but he was watching Kellin, whose back was facing him.
"You should learn this." Vic said. "On guitar."
"Learn what?" Kellin turned back to look at Vic.
"What you were just playing. It's easy."
"You're gonna teach me guitar?"
"I'll just teach you that chord progression. It's not hard, I swear."
Kellin grinned. "Okay, teach me."
Vic handed Kellin the guitar and bent down to show him where to put his fingers on the frets. Kellin's hands were clumsy and he wasn't pressing the strings hard enough, so the chords kept coming out muffled. Vic had to reposition his fingers several times, and he couldn't help but notice that their hands were brushing.
"Here. Move your index finger up," Vic said, taking Kellin's hand and moving it. Kellin went still for a split second.
"Like that?" His voice was quieter than usual.
"Yeah." Vic said.
"I got it." Kellin grinned, "I'm a natural."
"You're terrible."
"I'm a natural," Kellin insisted, playing the chord again. And surprisingly, it came out correct this time.
Kellin looked up at Vic. Vic looked back, and he could feel his heart skip a beat.
"I have to go," Kellin stood up abruptly. "I need to go practice my vocal stuff or else my teacher's going to kill me, I'm not even kidding."
"Okay," Vic said, slightly caught off guard.
Kellin flashed a smile and left, the door swinging open, leaving Vic alone in the practice room.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
Vic lay in his bed awake that night.
Kellin was beneath him, because he took the bottom bunk on the first day and Vic hadn't argued, and now Vic was on the top bunk awake and thinking about him.
He thought about holding Kellin's hand. Just the simple, yet impossible act of reaching out and lacing their fingers together. Kellin's palm against his palm. He thought about how it would feel. He thought about them staying in their dorm room, just the two of them, him pulling Kellin into an embrace, three hundred and eighty times and more, and still not finishing what he had to tell him. There was a whole summer of things he hadn't said, and Vic wasn't sure if he ever would.
He had a crush. It wasn't love, because love would be like tuberculosis, but a crush was like a cold. Something fast, a sneeze, a cough, something you'd get over after a few weeks of feeling off. And then you'd be fine again. You'd be over it.
Vic stared at the ceiling. I don't want to be over it.
He heard Kellin turn over on the bottom bunk, and went still again. He let out an audible sigh, and then shifted again. He was awake.
Vic lay there in the dark, listening to Kellin's even breathing. He thought about how close they were, physically, just a few feet apart, both awake. If he'd climb down, if he'd reach over and be brave for once -
But he didn't. Of course he didn't. He was a coward.
He closed his eyes. His breathing soon matched with Kellin's, and eventually, he somehow fell asleep.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
The last night before the camp ended came a lot quicker than Vic expected. They held a farewell party in the common room.
People hung up some fairy lights, and there was a speaker playing music. The head counselor gave a speech on how he saw everyone grow over the past four weeks, how he hoped everyone would keep on playing, and even though this was the end of something, it was the beginning of a new journey for everyone. Vic felt a rush of sadness wash over him as he listened. It was just a cliché speech, but for some reason it made him want to cry.
"You okay?" Kellin turned over and whispered.
"Yeah," Vic mumbled. That was a lie. It was funny, wasn't it? Kellin was the only reason he didn't want to leave. Now his reason was asking him if he was doing okay. About leaving.
The speech ended. Kellin patted Vic on the shoulder. "I'm going to say goodbye to a couple of my friends, okay?" He gave Vic a reassuring smile. "They're leaving early tomorrow. I'll be back."
Vic nodded.
The room was full of people, way too many people for Vic's liking. He leaned against the wall with a glass of coke in his hand and watched Kellin from across the room, who was surrounded by a group of people, laughing at something one of them said, with his head thrown back.
I have to say something.
The whole summer lay between them.
Then Kellin locked eyes with him from across the room. His head tilted toward the door. So Vic followed him.
They walked out of the noisy room together, and the air was cooler outside. There was a bench near the entrance. They sat down next to each other without a word.
Vic could still hear the music playing inside, but it was muted and distant.
"So," Kellin said.
"Yeah."
"Are you gonna keep playing? After this, I mean. When you go home." Kellin said, scratching his head.
"Yeah," Vic swallowed. "Of course. It's the only thing I want to do."
"I get that," Kellin nodded. "About music in general. So yeah, me too."
Vic nodded. They sat in silence for a while.
Vic thought about everything he dreamed about. The hand-holding. The kiss. The hug.
He could do it right now. He could just do it.
But instead, he blurted out: "Do you want to take a picture together?"
"What?" Kellin said as he turned his head.
"A picture. I don't know, for the memories. You know what, forget it. It's stupid."
"Hey, of course I want a picture," Kellin laughed. "You're the best friend I made here."
Vic could feel that he was blushing. He pulled out his phone, Kellin shuffled closer to put one arm around him and made a peace sign with his other hand. The shutter clicked.
"My turn. Let's do a different pose."
Kellin took out his phone from his pocket and grabbed Vic's chin, tilting his head toward the camera, catching Vic by surprise. Vic's breath caught, and he couldn't help but giggle. Kellin leaned over and pressed their cheeks together before pressing the shutter button.
"See? That was perfect." Kellin chuckled, letting go of Vic slowly.
He leaned his head against the wall. "You know, I'm really, really going to miss this."
"I know," Vic said quietly, suddenly feeling like he was on the verge of tears. "Me too."
They sat there for a long time. Vic could hear the people leaving from the front door. Kellin closed his eyes. He looked tired, but he was beautiful. Vic just watched him. He didn't get to say any of the things he wanted to say after all.
Tomorrow, he'd be gone. And I would be too.
He could feel summer slipping away.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
Then the morning came. The moment Vic had dreaded ever since that night Kellin put his head on his shoulder when he was half-asleep.
There were bags in the hallway and parents in the parking lot. The sound of trunks closing and people saying goodbye.
Vic stood beside the bunk bed which was now empty.
"So, I guess this is it." Kellin's voice came from behind. Vic turned over. He was smiling, but his eyes were not.
"Yeah. I guess it is." Vic said, forcing a smile. He probably looked like he was about to cry.
Kellin looked at him for a second, chewing his bottom lip. And then he stepped forward, putting his arms around Vic, a little awkwardly, as if he wasn't sure if it was allowed. Vic held on to him tightly, burying his face in Kellin's shoulder.
It lasted a bit longer than it should've.
Kellin was the one that pulled back first. There was a glimmer of tears in his eyes, but he was still smiling.
"Well, I'm gonna miss you." Kellin said, blinking a bit too fast, like he was trying to stop the tears from falling.
"Me too." Vic tried his best to keep the smile on his face.
You have no idea how much.
"Bye, Vic." He said.
"Goodbye, Kellin."
Kellin walked to the door. He stopped for a second at the doorway, taking one last look at Vic from over his shoulder.
And then he was gone.
Vic walked quickly to the door and watched Kellin walk down the hallway. He watched him until he walked into the stairwell, before completely disappearing. Until his footsteps faded away into the chatter of people in the hallway.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
The drive home was four hours.
The dorm building got smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. And then it was gone, completely.
Vic leaned his head against the cold glass of the car window, staring at the endless lines of trees whipping past, trying his best not to think about Kellin.
I don't even miss you. I don't.
It was the biggest lie he had ever told himself.
He pulled out his phone and opened the photos app. He couldn't help himself. He clicked on the picture they took together. He could almost still feel Kellin's arm around him.
You're the best friend I made here.
If only he had been braver. If only he had said something. And now he had nothing.
Summer had ended for him. August was over. And there would always be other summers, but they would never be the same as this one. There was no such thing as not being able to live without someone, he told himself, because life will go on. Everything would go back to the way it was. Somehow that thought made his chest ache.
It was nothing, really. It was nothing but a bit of pining, fumbling, hating, crying - just a little bit. Really, he didn't even care. Every cold and vacant night would be the exact same as before he met Kellin.
Goodbye. Until we meet again.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
I don't even miss you
No, not those pretty eyes or perfect lips, no
Why can't I just
Stop, stop
Just stop
Just stop