Work Text:
An old lady brought a roll of film to the photo studio, filled from beginning to end with a cat.
The cat sat on the windowsill, on the porch steps, beside the flower beds, and on the back of the sofa. In some shots, it gazed out the window with its back turned to its owner; in others, it stared straight into the lens with such an unruffled air that it seemed less like the subject of the photographs and more like someone graciously allowing other people to indulge in their strange little hobbies.
Cheng Xiaoshi flipped through the photographs one by one, and the more he looked, the more he began to suspect that this cat led a far more eventful social life than some people he knew.
"I have more pictures of him than I do of my own family," the old lady admitted with a laugh. "But what can I do? Just look at how handsome he is!"
Xiaoshi smiled.
"And is he affectionate?"
The woman considered this. Apparently, there was no room for doubt when it came to her cat's good looks. His other virtues, however, were a little harder to establish.
"Well, how should I put it... He doesn't rub against my legs. Hardly ever purrs. Won't let me pick him up. I call him, and he just looks at me before going back to whatever he was doing. Though sometimes he'll come into my room, sit down beside me with his back turned, and stay there. Sometimes he even falls asleep like that."
She spoke with such tenderness that Xiaoshi stopped flipping through the photographs.
"My neighbor told me that when a cat turns its back on you, it's a sign of great trust. It means he doesn't need to keep an eye on you or worry that you'll do something to him. He knows he's safe. So that's how mine sits, as if he's saying, 'I'm right here.'"
Xiaoshi looked at the photograph of the cat perched on the windowsill, its back turned to the camera. A fluffy back, sunlight catching in its fur. Nothing particularly remarkable about it. And yet he found himself holding the photograph a little longer than he'd intended.
"You know, Auntie, I have someone in my life who's a lot like that."
The old lady narrowed her eyes.
"Another cat?"
Xiaoshi laughed.
"No. Though sometimes I wonder about that myself."
He carefully gathered the photographs, handed the envelope back to the old lady, and would probably have forgotten the conversation altogether if it hadn't come back to him late that evening, when the photo studio had finally fallen quiet.
Xiaoshi didn't notice it right away. Generally speaking, he was an observant person. And yet certain things right under his nose had a remarkable tendency to escape his attention for far longer than they should have.
They were sitting on the sofa after closing time. Qiao Ling had gone home ages ago, and it was gradually getting dark outside. A plate of noodles Lu Guang had made for dinner sat on the coffee table. Lu Guang himself was sitting beside him, absorbed in something on his phone and occasionally glancing over at Xiaoshi, who seemed intent on telling him the story about the old lady for several more hours. Including every last detail the world could quite happily have done without.
"Can you imagine? You know who I thought of right away?"
Lu Guang looked up.
"Who?"
"You, of course! You're exactly the same!"
"I don't sit on windowsills."
"Lu Guang!"
"What?"
Xiaoshi stared at him in outrage. Honestly, what was wrong with this man? Someone was telling him a touching story about trust, closeness, and feline affection, and he was fixating on a detail that had absolutely nothing to do with the point!
"I mean, you're not exactly the type to show your feelings either," Xiaoshi explained. "But I know you love me."
"Eat."
Xiaoshi glanced at his plate and only then realized that, somewhere along the way, he'd managed to push it almost to the very edge of the coffee table. Before he could figure out what to do about it, Lu Guang had already pulled the plate back toward him, closer to his hand, and returned to his phone.
Xiaoshi couldn't help smiling. Exactly! This was what he meant! Lu Guang could pretend all he wanted that these conversations didn't interest him. The moment Xiaoshi got distracted from his food, though, Lu Guang would immediately start making sure he at least didn't go hungry.
Not that Xiaoshi had ever particularly complained about a lack of affection. As far as he was concerned, things between him and Lu Guang were wonderful. They lived together, worked together, ate from the same plates, argued over the most trivial things, and somehow managed to understand each other even when one of them hadn't finished speaking and the other already knew what he was going to say.
So the next words came out perfectly naturally.
"Thanks. Love you."
He said it as casually as if he'd asked Lu Guang to pass the salt, and was just reaching for his chopsticks when he noticed Lu Guang lifting his head.
"Hm?"
"I said I love you."
Lu Guang looked at him for a few seconds before calmly replying,
"Okay."
Then he lowered his eyes to his phone again.
Xiaoshi shrugged and started eating his noodles. So what? He'd said he loved him. Lu Guang had heard him. Lu Guang had answered. A perfectly normal conversation between two people who'd been together for a long time.
It was only later that Xiaoshi began to notice something strange.
Lu Guang never said he loved him.
At first, he didn't think much of it. Everyone had their habits. If Lu Guang found it easier to express his feelings through actions, Xiaoshi wasn't about to interrogate him over it. Especially when those actions were more than convincing.
Lu Guang always left him the last portion of food, even when it happened to be his own favorite dish. He nudged Xiaoshi's cup of tea closer whenever he got so caught up in a story that he forgot about it. If Xiaoshi tossed and turned in the middle of the night, Lu Guang might wake up and quietly pull the blanket back over him. And if Xiaoshi got cold, Lu Guang usually noticed before he did.
It was almost a little unfair. How could someone who knew his habits, his moods, and every possible way he could accidentally get himself into trouble so well be unwilling to say three simple words?
Of course, Xiaoshi wasn't going to claim that Lu Guang was obligated to verbalize his feelings on a schedule. He wasn't that stupid.
But did Lu Guang really not see the point? Or did he see it and simply believe Xiaoshi already knew everything he needed to know? The latter seemed far more likely, and that was precisely why Xiaoshi couldn't just shrug the thought away.
Because knowing someone loves you and hearing it from the person you love aren't quite the same thing. At least, Xiaoshi was absolutely certain of that.
He glanced sideways at Lu Guang, who was still sitting beside him, engrossed in his reading. He looked as he always did: calm and composed, his brows slightly furrowed, phone in hand. If Xiaoshi asked him to pick up some milk on the way home, Lu Guang would probably ask which kind and remind him that there was still some left over from yesterday in the fridge. If he asked for help with work, Lu Guang would put his phone down and get right to it. And if Xiaoshi told him he loved him, Lu Guang would give him some short reply before quietly nudging his cup closer.
In other words, their love life was going perfectly well.
Except for the words.
Xiaoshi slowly smiled, already suspecting that Lu Guang might come to regret his habit of considering the obvious a sufficient explanation sometime in the next few days.
Because now Xiaoshi had a goal.
And, as was always the case when he found himself a new goal, he had absolutely no intention of giving up.
On the first day, Xiaoshi decided to get straight to the point. Hints were all well and good for people who hadn't figured out their own feelings yet. Xiaoshi, unlike certain people, knew exactly what he wanted and couldn't see a single reason to keep quiet about it.
"Lu Guang, tell me you love me."
Lu Guang looked up from his phone.
"No."
Xiaoshi was so taken aback that, for a moment, he couldn't even find a response. He'd expected some resistance - Lu Guang had never been particularly talkative, and when it came to things like this, he could be astonishingly stubborn - but this? Just like that, without even the slightest hesitation?
"Why?!"
"Don't want to."
"And that's it?!"
"What else is there?"
Xiaoshi stared at him as though Lu Guang had just refused to testify in a matter of national importance. Then he grabbed a cushion from the sofa and threw it at him. Lu Guang caught it before it could hit him in the face and, without changing his expression, set it down beside himself.
Of course. Even a flying cushion couldn't persuade this man to make the slightest contribution to anyone else's emotional well-being!
"You love me, don't you?" Xiaoshi asked, no longer quite asking so much as trying to find a loophole in what appeared to be an utterly hopeless defense.
"Let's say I do."
"Then why can't you just say it?!"
Lu Guang looked at him over the top of his phone. There was neither mockery nor irritation in his gaze, only the familiar calm of someone who apparently considered the whole situation perfectly understandable and therefore saw no reason to discuss it any further.
"You already know that."
Oh, for the love of—
Xiaoshi leaned back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling. The most infuriating part was that Lu Guang was right. He did know. He knew without any confessions at all.
But knowing was one thing. Hearing it was another. He wasn't asking Lu Guang to write him a ten-thousand-word love letter, much less recite poetry beneath the moonlight. It was only a few words. Three! Was that really so much to ask?
Apparently, for Lu Guang, it was.
The next day, Xiaoshi decided to change tactics. A frontal assault hadn't worked, so he would have to try leading by example. If Lu Guang didn't understand what he wanted, Xiaoshi would have to show him. And if he did understand and was only pretending not to, then all the more reason.
The darkroom was quiet. Photographs hung from a line to dry, and the air smelled of developing chemicals. Lu Guang stood at the table, carefully securing another photograph with a clip. Xiaoshi was supposed to hand them to him, but after the first two, he'd abandoned his task and was now simply watching him.
Lu Guang, naturally, noticed.
"Is something wrong?"
"Nothing."
Lu Guang hesitated slightly but didn't argue. He simply reached for the next clip. Xiaoshi placed it in his palm, letting his fingers linger against Lu Guang's for a second longer than necessary.
"Lu Guang, I love you."
Lu Guang secured the photograph before answering.
"Mhm."
Xiaoshi blinked.
Mhm?
"I'm being serious, you know."
"So am I."
Lu Guang turned toward him, and Xiaoshi almost thought that, at long last, he was about to hear something worthwhile. Instead, Lu Guang merely glanced at the clips in his hand.
"Can you pass me some more?"
Xiaoshi tightened his grip on them.
When it came to explaining something complicated, Lu Guang could speak patiently and thoroughly until even the most hopelessly confused person began to understand. But the moment a conversation turned to himself, he became a closed door. A closed door, moreover, without even the courtesy of a sign indicating its opening hours!
"Do you love me?"
Lu Guang took a clip from him.
"Cheng Xiaoshi."
"What? I asked you a simple question!"
"I heard you."
"Then answer it."
Lu Guang secured the photograph. Checked that it was hanging straight. Only then did he turn around.
"You already know the answer."
Xiaoshi puffed out his cheeks.
It wasn't fair. Worse, it worked. Lu Guang wasn't brushing him off or trying to change the subject. He simply saw no need to say aloud what he believed was already obvious, and perhaps that was precisely why Xiaoshi couldn't bring himself to be genuinely angry with him.
Though he was trying very hard.
"Tea?" Lu Guang asked.
Xiaoshi eyed him suspiciously.
"Yes. With two sugar cubes."
"All right."
Lu Guang left the darkroom, leaving him alone with the photographs, the clips, and the deeply unpleasant suspicion that his opponent had no intention of even acknowledging that a war was taking place.
Xiaoshi watched him go. Then he lowered his eyes to the clips still in his hand.
Fine.
If Lu Guang believed that knowing was enough, Xiaoshi would have to explain the difference between knowing and hearing the words. After all, he had plenty of time.
And even more stubbornness.
On the fourth or fifth day, Xiaoshi made a mistake.
They were sprawled on the sofa after dinner. Lu Guang was reading, comfortably settled in his place, while Xiaoshi lay with his head in Lu Guang's lap, idly fiddling with the hem of his T-shirt. Raindrops tapped against the window. The evening promised to end like so many others: Lu Guang would finish his chapter, Xiaoshi would start pestering him about something ridiculous, and then they'd go to bed together.
In short, life was carrying on as usual, and that was a good thing.
Cheng Xiaoshi lifted his head.
"Lu Guang, if I were dying, would you tell me you love me?"
The page beneath Lu Guang's fingers didn't move. But Lu Guang himself went still.
"What did you say?"
"Well, just imagine. I don't have much time left. I'm lying there, dying, and you're sitting beside me. Then I ask if you love me. What would you say?"
Xiaoshi even raised himself a little to get a better look at his face. In his opinion, it was a perfectly harmless question, and the situation was entirely hypothetical. He wasn't planning on dying, and, for that matter, no one was asking Lu Guang to compose a speech for his final hour on the spot. All he had to do was imagine it.
But Lu Guang said nothing.
Xiaoshi was already preparing himself for the familiar idiot or at least a light tap on the head with the book - not that he was being serious, of course - when he felt the muscle beneath his cheek tense. The hand resting on his shoulder suddenly tightened so much that Xiaoshi stopped smiling without even realizing it.
He raised his head a little higher.
Lu Guang was looking at him, but it was as though he couldn't see him. His gaze was fixed on Xiaoshi's face, motionless and strangely distant, as if a distance had suddenly opened up between them, one that couldn't be crossed by movement or voice. The book slowly lowered onto his lap.
"Hey," Xiaoshi tried to laugh. "I wasn't serious."
Nothing changed.
And for the first time, he began to feel uneasy.
He was used to seeing Lu Guang in all sorts of moods: sleepy, irritated. He was used to his calm.
But this wasn't calm.
Lu Guang looked at him as though it had already happened.
"Don't say that," he finally said.
His voice was quiet, almost even. But something caught on the last word, and that tiny break in his voice frightened Xiaoshi far more than any shout could have.
"Lu Guang..."
"Don't say that."
He repeated it more quietly this time and looked away.
Xiaoshi propped himself up on one elbow. He wanted to ask what had happened. Why Lu Guang was looking at him as though he'd done something terrible, when only a minute ago they'd been lying on the sofa, listening to the rain. He wanted to touch his face, make him look at him, say something funny, anything at all - anything that might bring the evening back to where it had been.
But Lu Guang was already carefully moving away, and Xiaoshi's head slipped from his lap.
Lu Guang stood up, leaving the book open on the sofa. A page curled beneath the cover, but Lu Guang, who usually would have straightened it out, didn't notice this time. He stood with his back to Xiaoshi for several seconds, his arms hanging at his sides, before heading toward the door.
He stopped just as he reached it.
Xiaoshi instinctively leaned forward, waiting for Lu Guang to turn around after all, explain what was wrong, or at least say something familiar that Xiaoshi could hold on to while he tried to make things right.
But Lu Guang only tightened his fingers around the doorknob and left.
The door closed softly.
Xiaoshi was left alone in the warm room, listening to the steady sound of rain. For the first time that evening, he had absolutely no desire to joke about anything.
He'd only wanted to hear an answer.
Xiaoshi rubbed the back of his head and looked at the open book.
What an idiot he'd been.
When Lu Guang returned, it was still raining.
Xiaoshi didn't ask where he'd gone, nor did he try to lighten the mood with another joke. He simply shifted over, making room for him on the sofa.
Lu Guang sat down beside him. There was very little space between them, but Xiaoshi didn't dare close the gap himself. He was afraid that any movement might be unwelcome right now, so he sat quietly, uncharacteristically unsure of what to say.
For a while, they listened to the rain.
Then Lu Guang reached out on his own and found Xiaoshi's hand. His fingers closed around it carefully, almost uncertainly, as though even this simple gesture was more difficult than usual.
Xiaoshi looked down at their hands.
Lu Guang offered no explanation. He simply held Xiaoshi's hand, gripping it more tightly than necessary.
Xiaoshi laced their fingers together and squeezed back.
This time, he didn't need words. For the first time, he truly felt that behind the familiar restraint of the person beside him, there might be something far heavier than a reluctance to say his feelings aloud.
And if Lu Guang wasn't ready to talk about it yet, Xiaoshi could at least stay beside him.
He never joked like that again.
That night, Lu Guang couldn't fall asleep for a long time.
Xiaoshi had already crawled beneath the blanket and seemed to have nearly drifted off when the mattress beside him dipped ever so slightly. He opened his eyes a crack and saw Lu Guang lying on his side, facing him. It was difficult to make out his expression in the dark, but Xiaoshi knew him well enough to tell that he had no intention of sleeping just yet.
"You're not asleep?" he whispered.
"No."
"Because of me?"
Lu Guang was silent for a moment.
"Not entirely."
Xiaoshi didn't ask anything else. He'd learned enough that day to understand that some questions were better left for later. Still, that didn't mean he was going to stay completely silent.
He reached out and cautiously brushed his fingers against Lu Guang's cheek.
"I really didn't mean to upset you."
"I know."
Lu Guang covered Xiaoshi's hand with his own. For a while, he simply held it against his face, then gently moved it aside, as though the touch was making it difficult for him to gather his thoughts. But he didn't let go. And when Xiaoshi felt their fingers intertwine, he decided that was enough.
"I'm not always good at saying what you want to hear," Lu Guang finally said.
Xiaoshi turned his head on the pillow.
"Is it because you don't feel the same way?"
"No." Lu Guang answered immediately, as though this was the very question he'd been waiting for. "It's not because I don't feel that way."
Xiaoshi fell silent.
He knew, of course he knew. If love could be measured in carefully straightened collars and dinners that somehow always took his preferences into account, Lu Guang would have become the most talkative person in the world a long time ago.
And yet Xiaoshi still wanted to hear it.
"When you tell me you love me, I don't have to search for an answer," Lu Guang continued. "I just know you mean it. But when I try to say it myself..."
He trailed off, frowning, and Xiaoshi suddenly understood. Lu Guang was choosing his words with the same concentration he usually brought to a difficult problem. Only this time, there were no photographs, no timelines, nothing he could arrange into a neat sequence until he arrived at the one correct solution.
There was only a dark room, their joined hands, and Xiaoshi, who had somehow managed to turn three simple words into a problem Lu Guang was working on almost harder than anything else.
"I feel like I have to say it right," he finished. "So you'll understand what I mean."
"Lu Guang," Xiaoshi interrupted gently. "It's only three words."
"For you."
The answer was so simple that Xiaoshi couldn't argue with it.
He moved closer, as far as the blanket allowed, and wrapped his arms around Lu Guang, pressing his forehead against his shoulder.
"I don't need you to say it beautifully," he whispered.
Lu Guang was silent for a while. Then he leaned down and rested his forehead against Xiaoshi's temple.
"I love you."
Xiaoshi forgot how to breathe.
So that was what it felt like.
No lengthy preparations, no searching for better words, no need to drive Lu Guang to despair with an endless stream of questions first. Just three words, spoken quietly, almost casually. And somehow, now that he'd finally heard them, Xiaoshi had absolutely no idea what to do next.
He'd imagined this moment so many times. Sometimes he'd pictured Lu Guang saying it out of the blue, and Xiaoshi would inevitably respond with something clever so he wouldn't look too pleased. In other versions, he'd planned to pretend nothing particularly special had happened, only to make Lu Guang repeat himself anyway.
In reality, one confession had been enough to make him forget every single one of his brilliant plans.
"One more time," he breathed.
Lu Guang drew back slightly to look at him. Xiaoshi couldn't make out his face properly in the darkness, but from the faint movement of his lips, he guessed that Lu Guang was smiling.
"You're impossible."
"Please."
This time, Lu Guang didn't tease him or tell him to be satisfied with what he'd already heard.
"I love you, Xiaoshi."
Xiaoshi didn't ask for anything else.
He wrapped his arms tightly around Lu Guang and buried his face against his chest. There was no point trying to hide his smile, and he probably wasn't trying very hard anyway. His heart was beating so fast that Lu Guang must have been able to feel it even through the fabric of his pajamas.
"I love you too," Xiaoshi mumbled. After a moment, he added, so quietly that it was almost a whisper, "So much."
Lu Guang kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer, settling his head more comfortably against his chest. With one arm, he held Xiaoshi around the shoulders. With the other, he drew the blanket over them both, rescuing it from where Xiaoshi had ruthlessly dragged it to his own side during their embrace.
Xiaoshi, naturally, didn't notice any of this. After everything he'd been through, he'd finally gotten what he wanted, and now he apparently intended to make the most of it: pressing himself against Lu Guang, throwing an arm over him, and settling in as though he planned to spend the next several years in precisely that position.
Lu Guang didn't object.
He lay awake for a long time, listening as Xiaoshi's breathing gradually evened out. He fell asleep without ever letting go, holding on to Lu Guang with such certainty that it seemed there could never have been, and could never be, any reason to let him go.
Lu Guang carefully brushed the hair away from his forehead.
This time, he didn't need anyone else to hear his words. He simply wanted to say them one more time, even if it was only for himself.
"I love you."