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“I broke up with Val.”
Ygrittes hand stopped mid-air and a drop of paint audibly fell onto the newspaper covering the floor “Why that?”
Jon put his paint roller on the lid of the bucket and straightened his shoulders in an attempt of confidence before quietly answering “I think I'm gay.”
She took a moment to process the words“Okay?”
“No, not okay.” his shoulders sagged and teeth worried his lip.
“People break up all the time, Val is cool, she'll understand.” she cut off her own reasoning, upon mustering him a second time she understood that there was more to it “But you're worrying about something else.”
Jon took a moment of contemplative silence “It's wrong.” he said finally and pressed his lips together as if to restrain the words.
“What?” she tried hard not to take it the wrong way.
“That's not what I meant.” he added quickly as if he had read her mind. Explanations were needed, he knew but that didn't make it easier to say it out loud“My granddad was really catholic. He said that being gay is wrong and a sin.” Although his grandfather had died a couple of years ago the words were still allive in his mind, back then he hadn't thought anything by but now the words hurt more than he liked to admit.
“You said you don't believe in god.” Ygritte put her paint brush down and took a step towards him.
“I don't but he did.”
“But he's dead.” it was a gruesome reminder of so many things lost but she had trouble understanding what was behind all this.
“I know!” Jon exclaimed and looked at her intensely “It feels like I'm insulting the only bit of family I ever had. It's not right.” he broke the eye contact before carding a nervous hand through his hair.
“You can't deny who you are because of him.” her voice was soft but determined.
“What if it's just a phase, what if it passes?” it was like a futile attempt to convince himself of false reason.
“Jon...”
“Would you come to church with me tomorrow?” he asked with urgency before she could say anything else.
“Why?” it had been the first thing crossing her mind and she felt like she should have said something else, something more helpful but now it was too late.
“I haven't been to confession in ages...not since my granddad died and I feel like I should go.” it had been on his mind for almost a week and the thought felt irrational, foolish even but now that he had said even more so, especially in front of Ygritte. She was independent, knew what she wanted and it made the feeling of the whole situation being wrong become even more persistent.
“If that's what you want.” she said with understanding and nodded but she knew it wasn't enough so she fully closed the distance between them and took both his hands in hers “You know that I'm with you. Whatever happens, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
The moment came and went, it felt almost surreal how meaningful this conversation had been and Ygritte was admittedly a little grateful when he let go of her hands and cast a glance at the half finished wall “We can still finish this tomorrow.”
What would one day be their flat still looked more like a job-site than a place to live in, by now it wasn't much more than a bathroom, a half finished kitchen and an air-bed in the middle of the future living room. Ygritte was more than grateful that they had at least a working bathroom and she let her thoughts drift whilst standing under the hot spray of the shower. She had never considered Jon a religious man but whatever his grandfather had told him, it had left a lasting mark. For a short moment she pondered what if must have felt like for Val but she quickly neglected that thought, right now she highly doubtet that Jon had told her the truth why he had left her. They had only been together for a couple of months but looking back on it Ygritte began to realise that either Jon had been with her because he genuinly liked her and his sexual orientation was a rather recent development or it had been merely to fullfill what was expected of him. If any of her assumptions were true or not she did not know and who was she to judge, this was neither the time nor her place to moralise. Jon was like a brother to her and from what she had witnessed earlier she understood that this went deeper than coming out to her. The fact that his grandfather had been his last living family had resulted in a close relationship between the two and that even now, after his grandfathers death Jon felt conflicted about his fundamentals made only sense to her.
Later, when he spooned her from behind in the quiet darkness of the flat she put her hand on his and nuzzled a little closer.
The next morning was filled with a sense of seriousness she had never experience between them and it only intesified on their way to church. Ygritte decided to wait outside, not because she didn't believe in god but because she wanted to give Jon the space he needed to do this. The ancient building loomed over her when she sat down on a bench under a tree and opened the book she had brought to pass the time but she couldn't manage to focus on the words, too many things were running through her head. Soon the book disappeared in her purse and she leaned back against the cool backrest of the bench, it was a beautiful spring morning and she closed her eyes against the first, warming rays of the sun after winter.
The heavy sound of the church doors caused her to open her eyes again and Jon approached her. Although the question burned on her tongue she kept it to herself and instead took his offered hand.
Ygritte never learned what the Priest had told him but she knew that Jon never again doubted.