Chapter Text
You get the text from her saying that she will be passing through town for a night and would love to see you. You have read texts like these before but each one brings the same emotional struggle. You think about all the pain splattered tear drops that are soaked into your pillow case from before. You think about the last time she texted you and how you promised you would not do this to yourself anymore. You coached yourself over the last month since you’ve seen her, determined to be strong enough to say no, but you’ll still text her saying you would love to see her too. You break your promise like she has broken all of hers, the empty promises that have seeped their way into your heart, wrapping it, squeezing it, letting them tighten the hold that leaves you wounded.
You fidget at the train station where she asks you to pick her up, you have been waiting a half an hour running through wishes that things will be different, that she will be different. You see her step off of the train, her hair still long, brown, and flowing easily down her shoulders. She runs a hand through her hair searching the area for you but you remain frozen because the beauty that radiates from her is breathtaking and moving would ruin the hopeful ideas running wildly in your head. She spots you just like she always does, you think back to all the times she’s told you that no matter what she will always find you, your heart aches for her.
She walks up to you with that smile that’s etched its way into your memories while you lay awake in the dark at night. She wraps her arms firmly around you like you are the surest thing in the world to her. She kisses your neck before asking you how you have been and how she has meant to get a hold of you but work keeps her busy. You tell her you understand even though you know it’s a lie because she is here and that’s all that matters.
She holds your hand in the car as you weave in and out of the streets, her thumb rubbing circles as she tells you all about her time on the West Coast. She squeezes your hand absentmindedly making you remember why you don’t mind listening to her talk about her life that doesn’t have you in it. You let yourself become comfortable with her because the only time you feel safe is with her. You tell her about your days, leaving out the parts where you break down missing her or all the hours you spend thinking about what she is doing. You don’t tell her about the scars she’s left you with because seeing her happy is the only thing that matters to you.
You spend the afternoon walking the streets, showing her everything that you find beautiful, or all the places you love. She wraps her arm around you, pulling you close, telling you she isn’t use to the fall weather on the East Coast. She says you’re the only thing that can keep her warm and you’re smiling on the inside because she makes you feel special. You fall back into the regular routine of being with each other because it has always been easy for you. Her laughter fills you, it swells inside of you like a wave forming, rolling in towards the shore, and you think to yourself that it’s your favorite sound.
You take her to a little café telling her why it’s your favorite and she listens happily because she loves hearing you describe things your passionate about. She lets your order her food because she says she trusts you and you want to believe that she wouldn’t let anyone else do this for her. You sit in the back so you can have privacy; she reaches over the table for your hand telling you how happy she is to be here with you. She loves her dinner, smiling into the taste of the ingredients that take over her taste buds. You think about how normal this is, sitting with her, watching her eat, telling her stories, being with her. She pays for you telling you that you deserve to be treated properly and you ignore the dark thoughts wanting to break through.
You go home to shower and get ready to go out with your friends, you tap your knee nervously as you sit on the couch waiting for her to finish getting dressed. She comes out to stand in front of you in a tight black dress, her hair wavy, shining in the light of your apartment. You admire the way her dress accentuates certain curves that you know all too well by now. You tell her she looks absolutely beautiful and she averts her gaze blushing slightly. She kisses you on the cheek telling you that you look great even though you’re wearing a plaid button up and a beanie with glasses on. She tells you that you look very chic and that it fits you well.
You enter the bar with her as all eyes turn to her and you don’t mind because you’re use to people’s reactions by now. Your friends greet her openly, hugging her, and telling her how much they have heard about her. She smiles, squeezing your hand gently, as she tells them how happy she is to be here and meet them. They instantly fall in love with her because it’s easy to love her. She orders you a beer knowing exactly what you like and you drink more then you should allowing your blood to drown in alcohol as an excuse to let tonight happen. You spend the night watching her interact with everyone, her hand always touching you, always keeping you close, protecting you.
You dance to the music playing in the bar with her because you know she loves to dance. She guides your hands around her waist as she leads you through the music. You laugh together to each song that plays as you move to the rhythm enjoying the fact that you get to hold her. You become enthralled in her embrace as she plays with the hair on the back of your neck as she pushes closer into you. Her blue eyes lock with yours and you can’t remember ever seeing anything so blue. You make sure to remember every different shade of blues that make up the exquisite color of her eyes.
You both say goodnight to your friends and decline their offers to give you a ride home because she says she wants to enjoy the night air with you. You walk holding hands down the blocks to your apartment. She turns standing in front of you, pulling your hand along, her eyes are dark and her smile dangerous, and you know then what is going to happen. She asks you if you’ve missed her and all you can do is nod because you’re spellbound by that look. She laughs lightly into the night knowing the effect she has on you. She tells you to take her home. You don’t tell her that she is home to you because you know her home is somewhere else.
You open the door to your apartment, feeling apprehensive goose bumps fill your arms. She gives you that look again as she walks towards you. You breathe in deep, as her hand slides along your cheek, resting there. You turn your head to kiss the palm of her hand because you miss this contact with her. She wraps her other hand around your neck pulling you in, her lips press tenderly against yours. It only takes a moment of hesitation before you move your lips as she matches the movement of familiarity that flows into your kiss because you want the taste that only her lips allow, it’s the only taste in the world that you crave. You wrap your hands around her waist drawing her closer to your body.
You forget how soft her lips are, how those lips are your minds favorite memory to turn to on the nights when you are completely alone. You feel her unbuttoning your shirt as your shaky hands begin to pull at her dress. She directs you to the bedroom, where you have spent every night replaying the memories you have with her inside of your head. But now she is here and you don’t want to live in those memories, you want to live right now with her. You mold your bodies together, intertwining limbs, and holding onto each other. You spend the rest of the night captivated by the curves, lines, indents, scars, skin that make up her. You spend the night familiarizing yourself with the way she feels against you, how smooth her skin is against yours, the smell of her, and the way she makes you feel under her touch. You spend the night listening to your name in gasps and pleas from her mouth with so much love it makes your body ignite with feelings you have forgotten you had.
When exhaustion threatens to overwhelm you, she curls her body against yours, as she traces the outlines of your abs. She whispers to you how much she has missed you, how she thinks about you every day, and how she has never felt safer then in your arms. You kiss her head praying for this moment to last, to be able to fall asleep every night with her body pressed against yours.
You wake up the next day feeling more contented then you have in a month. You walk into the kitchen to find her reading the paper, wearing your t-shirt, coffee mug in hand, and a lazy smile on her face. She leans up so she can kiss you, smiling against her lips, feeling the good morning bliss of her presence. She tells you she wants to lie in bed and you spend the morning lazily holding each other, discussing life’s quirks. You allow yourself to get engrossed in her touch one more time before you decide to shower.
You shower quickly, getting ready so you can take her to this small restaurant that serves the best breakfasts because you know it’s her favorite meal. But when you enter the kitchen again she is waiting there with her bag, looking at her phone. She looks up in time to see the disappointment on your face but her features don’t change.
The panic sinks in and you allow a shred of your thoughts to escape from your dried out mouth. You tell her how much you miss her, that you love her, and how you wish she’d stay. She smiles sadly at you, and you close your eyes because hers are miles away now. You tell her to tell you how to fall in love the way she wants you to. She tells you that you know she cares about you but she can’t leave him, she tells you that one day it will be different, she promises. She hugs you and you take in a deep breath, the smell of her hair filling your senses one last time, and she kisses your hand before walking out the door as your symphony of pleas play like a song that follow her out.
You sit at your kitchen table, feeling the pain soak its way back into your heart. The light disappears from your face, you become numb, and you're not sure how long you have been sitting here or how your life really got to this place. You look down seeing the coffee mug she left behind and you take a drink of it. The coffee is cold, you think about how she is like cold coffee, its fresh, welcoming, and soothing at first but eventually all of those fade away, and it becomes unwanted.
You make your way to your bed, your limbs are heavy, and your mind is clouded. You can still smell her on your pillow, flinching at the twisting of your heart as her smell refills your sense again. You lay there trying to remember how to breathe without her, trying to remember how her skin felt against yours, but you can’t remember. You try to listen hoping to hear her laughter but now you don’t think you’ve ever heard a silence quite so loud. She is miles away but all you can think about is how yesterday she was there with you. You replay everything in your head, letting it become a memory, one that will haunt you in the loneliness that she left your behind in. You feel the tears roll down your nose as you curl yourself in a ball trying to protect the organ beneath your ribcage that’s breaking into all of the pieces she left.
You promise yourself that you won’t let this happen again.