Work Text:
OPENING SHOT of a fancy restaurant
cut to MAC and DENNIS eating at a table on one of their monthly dinners
MAC: Listen, Den, I know I have said some stuff and its been floating around but I just gotta make it clear...
MAC looks around and leans in close
MAC: I'm gay!
MAC smiles, but he seems a bit nervous
DENNIS continues to eat, takes a drink, and finally offers a reaction
DENNIS: Dude, I know. I mean we've been practically married for what? 20 plus years now.
DENNIS chuckles
MACs eyes go wide
MAC: We're married?!?
DENNIS: Well, no, I'm just joking, man. I just mean we live together and do this monthly dinner thing.
DENNIS jesters to their fancy food and shrugs
One can practically see the wheels turning in MAC head
MAC: well, if were married...
DENNIS opens his mouth as if to interrupt but changes his mind and let's MAC continue
MAC: ...than we NEED rings.
DENNIS looks incredulously at MAC
DENNIS: uh no we don't.
MAC puts his finger up to DENNISs mouth
MAC: yes we do! Don't worry, nothing crazy. Just some sensible silver bands...
DENNIS pulls away from MAC, insulted
DENNIS: well if you must give me a ring I want something more impressive than a "sensible" band!
****
CUT to PADDY'S PUB
DEE is wiping down the bar while CHARLIE fidles with a broken beer tap
MAC and DENNIS enter. MACs wedding band is barely noticeable, but DENNISs diamond ring catches the bar's dim flouresent lights
MAC excitedly runs over to CHARLIE and grabs his shoulders
MAC: Dude, guess what?
CHARLIE wiggles uncomfortabky under his friend's grasp
CHALRIE: what?
MAC: Dennis and I are gay married!
CHARLIE looks to MACs hand and then at DENNISs, letting out a breathy laugh
DEE looks at the three men, befuddled
DENNIS walks over to MAC and CHARLIE, removing MACs hands from CHARLIEs shoulders
DENNIS: No, we are not married. Everything is the same, Mac just got it into his head to buy us some new jewelry
DENNIS explains calmly, side eyeing MAC
FRANK now enters the shot from through the office door
DEE: Hey Frank! These two boners got married!
DEE gabs her thumb towards MAC and DENNIS
FRANK turns on his heels towards DENNIS
FRANK: Married?! Haven't I told you marriage is a scam? Just look what your whore mother did to me!
DENNIS rolls his eyes
DENNIS: Yes, you've mentioned it once or twice, Frank.
FRANK: You never listen to me. Whatever, I don't give a shit. I need you all to help me find my gun
DEE, DENNIS, CHARLIE, and MAC all break into a chorus of protests at this request
****
CUT to MAC AND DENNIS APARTMENT
MAC is busying himself in the kitchen, which looks as if no one has every busy-ed themselves in it ever
DENNIS enters and looks surprised to see MAC holding a sauce pan
DENNIS: Whatcha doing there, buddy?
DENNIS raises his right eyebrow and MAC quickly turns around to look at him
MAC: I'm making you dinner. I'm a housewife now!
DENNIS: What the hell are you talking about?
MAC: Sorry, houseHUSBAND.
MAC looks proud at his correction and DENNIS looks confused
DENNIS: No you're not. You don't have to do any of this, man. Just come watch the game with me like before. Just do what you did before, that's what made me like you.
DENNIS testers towards living room
MAC absorbs this and nods his head
MAC: Okay. This is actually good because I can't really cook, man.
MAC and DENNIS laugh and retire to the couch, a football game plays while they sit close, side by side.
After some time, MAC reaches for the remote and pauses the TV and looks at DENNIS
DENNIS: what?
MAC: Listen, I agree our set- up before was pretty sweet...
DENNIS: Totally.
MAC: ...but hear me out, what if ONE thing changed?
MAC raises an eyebrow
DENNIS: And what thing would that be?
DENNIS tilts his head, willing to entertain whatever MACs request might be
MAC slowly raises his right pointer finger. With his other hand he forms the "OK" symbol. Looking DENNIS in the eyes, he sticks his single finger through the ring once and pulls it back out. He then turns both hands up in an inquisitive way, as if to ask "so what do you say?"
DENNIS watches the silent question and looks into MACs puppy dog eyes
DENNIS: Hmmm, I like the way you think, hubby
DENNIS winks
****
CUT to PADDY'S PUB
DEE and CHARLIE are drinking at the darkened bar
CHARLIE: I can't believe a stray cat actually ate Frank's gun. What would even compell a cat to do that?
DEE: I don't know or care. Can you believe Dennis is married, before ME?!
DEEs words are slightly slurred
CHARLIE: Well, you heard Dennis. Its not legal or anything.
DEE: Did you see the diamond on his ring, Charlie?? Now any guy who wants to give me a ring is gonna have to beat that, or at least match it!
CHARLIE girns mischievously
CHARLIE: I wouldn't worry, no guys are exactly clamoring to give you a ring, Dee.
DEE: Wow thanks, did I ask for your input?
CHARLIE: Uh yes! You specifically asked me a question!
DEE: No, I didn't!
CHARLIE: Yes, you did!
DEE: Well, in the future, just assume I didn't.
CHALRIE: What?
DEE: Yeah, you give awful input, Charlie, and I don't want it anymore.
CHARLIE: I give EXCELLENT INPUT!
DEE: UM, NO YOU DON'T.
CHARLEI hops off the bar stool, clearly offered at this insult against the quality of his input
CHARLIE: I'LL INPUT MY FIST TO YOUR FACE!
****
ROLL CREDITS