Chapter Text
Hajime is quiet.
It's not unusual, they like to spend quiet evenings reading, or in each other's arms, immersed in thought - but this is different. It feels strange, heavy. Like there's something hanging between them that Hajime hasn't said, and it's making the air heavy.
Tooru knows better than to push, because Hajime never hides things from him for long. So he sits in the armchair, legs crossed with a book resting in his lap, and he waits.
"...hey, Oikawa?"
His voice is leveled, controlled - soft.
"Hm?"
"...come over here?"
Tooru looks up, over to where Hajime is sitting on the couch. He's been reading the same passage over and over, anyway, so he doesn't pay attention as he closes the book and sets it aside.
"Okay...?"
He's not sure where Hajime is going with this, but gets to his feet and pads over to him, stopping when their knees touch. "What's up?"
Hajime's smile is slightly clouded, but Tooru isn't sure by what. He doesn't say anything, but he reaches up for Tooru's hands and tugs.
"...want me to sit with you?"
Hajime nods, and Tooru tilts his head a little, surprised. Hajime's not the one to initiate cuddling, not usually. "Uhm-"
"Please?"
He blinks at that, snapping himself out of his confusion. Something is definitely wrong.
"Uh- yeah, sure. Of course," he says, still a little flustered, and lets Hajime pull him down into his lap. Tooru's a little unsure about how Hajime wants to do this, but he seems to have a plan - he adjusts their position so Tooru is sitting on top of him, with his legs off to the side, and shifts them around until Tooru's head rests against his shoulder.
"...Iwa-chan-"
"Just- please," Hajime says, quietly this time, and Tooru swears he hears his voice tremble a little bit. Carefully, he tugs his arm free from between their chests so he can wrap it around Hajime's waist and pull himself closer, tucking his head under Hajime's chin.
"...is everything okay?"
Hajime doesn't answer, but Tooru can feel his lips pressing against the top of his head.
"Iwa-chan?"
"Got cold," Hajime mumbles - but it's feeble, and oh, oh, something is terribly wrong.
"Are you-" Tooru tries to pull back, but Hajime's arms are holding him in place. "...are you crying?"
The shaky breath Hajime lets out, followed by the tiniest of sniffling sounds, is more than enough of an answer. Tooru immediately feels fear cage in around his heart, and it's like the temperature of the room drops by ten degrees.
"Hey- what's wrong? Hajime?"
Hajime shakes his head and tightens his grip, shuddering as he takes another deep breath. He rarely ever cries - Tooru can count the instances he's seen Hajime's tears off on one hand - and the longer they sit in silence, the more terrified Tooru becomes.
He tries to keep his own shaking in check, starting to gently run his hands up and down Hajime's back. It's what Hajime does for him whenever he's upset, and to Tooru, there's nothing more comforting than that.
Hajime's grip only seems to tighten, and Tooru can't focus on anything but his heavy, shaky breathing. Whatever it is that's got Hajime this worked up-
"S-sorry," he gasps, between gasps for air, "I'm s-sorry, Tooru-"
And Tooru says the only thing he can, the only thing that's left; "it's okay. Hey, h-hey. I'm right here, love. It's okay."
With a whimper, Hajime curls down over him, burying his face in Tooru's shoulder. "Sorry," he manages again, and "please, please, just-"
"Anything you need," Tooru whispers, and it's all he can do to sound steady. "It's okay - Hajime, I've got you, it's okay-"
"D-don't let go, please-"
His voice is starting to break, and nothing has ever hurt more than hearing him sound so helpless.
"I won't, I won't, I've got you-"
Hajime's tears are dampening his shirt, and the thought alone makes Tooru's heart clench in his chest.
"Just, p-please-"
Tooru tightens his grip, a sudden, fierce protectiveness flaring up inside him. He's still terrified because Hajime won't tell him what's wrong, but it someone hurt him-
Whoever made him feel this way is going to pay.
"I promise," he whispers, but his voice has regained its edge, and the fear is fading under new-found adrenaline. "I promise, I've got you, and I'm not letting go. It's okay."
Hajime whimpers again, and he sounds so small, curling up even more around Tooru's warmth with his breath still hitching violently.
Tooru presses tiny kisses to his hair, feeling every harsh gasp of air Hajime draws in against his chest, where he's buried himself now.
"Breathe with me," he whispers, remembering how that always calms him, how Hajime's presence alone and the sound of his heartbeat would keep him sane whenever he was close to losing himself. It's usually the other way around, Tooru falling apart and Hajime keeping him grounded, and Tooru realizes with a sharp twinge of guilt the fear and worry Hajime must feel every time this happens, every time he has to talk Tooru down from the brink of self-destruction.
Hajime manages a shaky nod, just once, but it's enough.
Tooru deliberately slows his breathing, brushing his hands up and down Hajime's back in time with it. Hajime is so, so tense, clamping up against whatever it is that has him so utterly broken, blocking out everything - but then he draws a deep breath, just a little out of sync with Tooru's, and another-
"...so good," Tooru whispers, "you're doing so good, Hajime, keep going-"
He can feel Hajime's fingers digging into his sides now, twisting into his shirt and holding on as tightly as possible as he forces deeper breaths, larger intakes of air and longer exhales. Tooru's hands still, he lowers them to wrap around Hajime's waist and hold him close, pressing down and burying his face in Hajime's hair. He dips lower, trailing kisses towards his ear and neck, and the relief he feels when Hajime slowly, slowly tilts his head to expose more of his skin falls off his chest like a gigantic rock off the edge of a cliff.
"...that's it," he murmurs, "deep breaths, it's okay-"
"I love you," Hajime gasps, suddenly, finding his voice, "I l-love you, Tooru. So m-much."
And why does it sound so final, like he's saying goodb-
"Oh, oh, Hajime... you called them?"
Hajime shudders into a fresh wave of tears, and "no, no, I w-wouldn't, b-but... they called, a-and she s-said he wanted to t-talk, and-"
Tooru's arms come up around his back again, fiercely this time. "Hajime-"
He feels Hajime's fingernails breaking his skin, but those pricks of pain are nothing compared to what Hajime must be feeling, so all Tooru does is pull him closer, hold him tighter.
"I t-told her I can't, I t-told her to l-leave me alone but she- she- she c-cried so much and I just-"
Tooru knows, then, even before Hajime says it.
"I lied," he breathes, and it's like the world is crumbling around them. "I l-lied because I'm a coward, and when we g-go back I have to p-pretend like I don't love you, like you're not my entire universe-"
"Hajime-"
"I m-miss them, a-and I want to be h-honest about us, but... I can't, s-so I told her w-we're not together anymore, and w-when we go back I h-have to- I have to p-pretend-"
The embrace is no longer enough, Hajime is falling, falling, and Tooru needs to look at him right now, needs him to see, so he brings both hands up to Hajime's shoulders and pushes him back, harder than he wants to but Hajime wouldn't move otherwise, he's already so lost and clinging to Tooru like he's the only thing keeping him alive.
"I'm so s-sorry, Tooru, I l-love you, I love-"
"Stop," he tells him, doing his best to sound firm, sure. "Stop. Hajime, stop. Look at me."
But Hajime squeezes his eyes shut, shakes his head, pushes against Tooru's grip to get back into his arms, where he can hide his face, hide from the world-
"Hajime. I need you to hear this. Look at me."
He's raised his voice, and something in his tone makes Hajime snap to attention, eyes flying open. It leaves a bitter taste in Tooru's mouth, because the expression on his face is now full of fear; the submission doesn't suit him one bit.
"Hajime," he says, quieter, gentler but with no less urgency, "Hajime, Hajime. Listen- no, please, please, look at me. Believe me. You don't have to make a choice. I promise you. You hear me? I promise."
Hajime is shaking again, reaching for Tooru, fingers skating frantically up the skin of his arms to his neck, his face, like he needs to feel him to know that he's real.
"Tooru," he whimpers, "I c-can't lose you, I can't risk- ...I can't t-tell them- ...what if I can never t-tell them? Wh-what if they m-make me get married to one of those g-girls they keep wanting me to meet-"
"You're not leaving me," Tooru says, and this time he's not faking the certainty. He knows what the problem is, now, and what Hajime thinks he has to do. "I won't let go, just like I said. Just like I promised. You won't lose me, not ever, and I'm not letting you leave. And you don't have to keep lying."
"I c-can't tell them the truth-"
"You don't have to keep lying," Tooru repeats. "They won't slam the door in your face, and they won't push you away. We're going to be okay. I promise."
"Y-you can't know that, sh-she was so relieved w-when I s-said I didn't- I didn't-"
But he can't seem to say it again, the mere thought of it making him choke on the air he's sucking into his lungs.
"Trust me," Tooru says, imploring, "we'll- we'll go and confront them, okay? We'll make this stop. We'll tell them how we really feel."
Hajime shakes his head, quickly, sharply, "we c-can't, I l-lied-"
Tooru lifts his hands to the sides of Hajime's face, forcing him to meet his gaze.
"There's an end to this, Hajime," he says. "It won't be easy, but you can't know if they'll hate you, either. You can't keep pretending for your entire life. I know you've been hiding this from me, how much this was hurting you. But you don't need to suffer alone, okay? And you don't need to leave me. Not ever."
Tooru's expression softens, even though Hajime is still staring back with nothing but wild terror in his eyes. He brushes Hajime's cheek with his thumb before moving closer, until he can press his lips against his forehead. "We can get out, love. You don't need to keep running anymore. You've got me, and together we're stronger than anything. Isn't- isn't that what you always tell me?"
Hajime shudders, letting out a breath that seems to take all his energy with it, and he slumps forwards, back into Tooru's arms.
"...'ru, Tooru, Tooru... I'm s-sorry-"
"Shhh, it's okay."
Hajime is still shaking his head, "it's not, we c-can't-"
"We can do anything, love, including this. We'll fight this and we'll win, just like we do with anything that stands in our way. We'll conquer."
"Y-you didn't hear her-"
Tooru leans down and captures his lips in a kiss, brief but firm. "We're stronger," he whispers, into the tiniest of spaces left between them, pressing their foreheads together. "You'll see."
Hajime shakes his head, and there's a sadness rolling off him that's more profound than any other emotion Tooru has felt from him yet. His tears have stopped, but this is worse. "I can't risk it."
Tooru takes the time to breathe, to face him head-on, like he's always done. "I won't force you," he says, quiet and sincere, "but I know this will break you, if you try to keep it up. You need to let me in, let me carry some of this weight before it crushes you."
"T-they're not your parents, you don't have to-"
"Hajime, they're practically parents to me, too. You know that."
He does, Tooru can see it in his eyes, even when they're this close. He knows.
His chest rises and falls, until-
"God, Tooru, I'm s-sorry-"
"No more apologies," Tooru says, and he manages a smile. It's not much, just a tiny hint at the corners of his mouth - but it's enough. "Let's go home."