Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Cas steps slowly out of the bathroom and directly into Dean’s path while scratching distractedly at his bug bite. Dean puts up his hands in surprise and runs right into him, instinctively grabbing hold of Cas’s forearms to steady them both. “Whoa there.”

Cas looks up at him and his mouth falls open like he’s about to say something, but shuts again. They’d been avoiding each other like the plague, only talking about stuff that had to do with stopping the apocalypse and absolutely none of the stuff they probably should be talking about. Suddenly the contact is too much and Dean pulls his hands away like he’s been burned, which leaves Cas standing with his fingertips frozen over his bug bite in a ratty t-shirt and saggy pair of sweat pants. Dean lets the corner of his mouth twitch into something resembling a smile. It’s hard to imagine the Cas that had thrown him around in the alley being one and the same. He nervously rubs at the back of his neck. “What’s with the new duds?”

Cas squints at him before looking down and relaxing his arms to his sides. “Bobby is letting me borrow these...duds while he washes my old clothing. He said, ‘You smell like a dead fish that’s been laying out in the sun for a whole damn week,’ before handing me these and requesting that I change.” Cas’s face softens as he looks up and reaches his hand over tentatively, “Dean, I—”

“No!” Dean backs away immediately. We’re not doing this. We’re not doing anything. I should go. “I mean, I gotta get going. Lots of stuff to prepare for the apocalypse and all that.” He starts to turn away.

“I didn’t mean anything with the necklace. I was just frustrated with my father.” Dean looks back over his shoulder as Cas continues, “I...forgot how much it meant to you. During the bus trip on my way to assist you with Pestilence, I contemplated everything that could possibly have caused you to think I abandoned you, and based on my limited experiences with human emotion...the necklace seemed most likely.” Cas is staring at the floor, and Dean can’t help but turn back around. He really didn’t have a clue. No wonder he was so freaking confused. No wonder he was so fucking angry that he almost…well. Dean winces. Cas nearly whispers, “It was not my intention to end our relationship with my actions.” Cas lifts his eyes briefly and reaches out again, but almost instantly drops his hand back to his side. “I...I’m sorry, Dean I should not have...”

“But you didn’t. You stopped.” He can’t take all the blame. If either of us was less of a messed up piece of shit then we would have worked all this out without fucking it up so badly. Dean takes a step forward and rests a wary hand on Cas’s shoulder. “You stopped before...” ...before you did anything unforgivable. Cas raises his head expectantly and Dean gulps. The borrowed sweats make him look so vulnerable, so human, so kissable. He leans in until their lips are centimeters apart, “And I forgive you.” Cas closes his eyes and sighs as Dean starts to close the gap.

Just as their lips are about to touch, Sam calls out from behind them. “Dean, we could use some help out here! Where are you?”

They both stiffen and take a step back. “Well, I—” they both stammer out over one another. Dean chuckles a bit and scratches the back of his neck again. Sammy, always good for a cock block. “I better get out there before they storm the house looking for me.” He turns to leave again, but stops and smiles over his shoulder at Cas. Cas smiles weakly back at him. Yeah, they were pretty messed up, but maybe that was just them. Maybe that’s the way they were supposed to be. He winks cheekily at Cas as a promise that everything is going to be okay before heading off to find out what couldn’t possibly wait a few more seconds.

~*~

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A sharp exclamation from Dean stirred him from sleep in the back of the Impala. Of the annoyances being nearly human brought to his existence, sleep was one of the more tolerable. He had been dreaming of Dean, of the almost kiss they had shared and how completely breathtaking Dean's forgiveness had been. He opened his eyes and looked over at him. Dean and Sam seemed to be arguing about something in the front seat. Not wanting to interrupt, he shut his eyes again and listened quietly to the conversation as it continued.

“You can’t ask me to do this!”

“I’m sorry, Dean. You have to.”

“So then what am I supposed to do?”

“You go find Lisa,” Dean scoffed as Sam continued, “You pray to God she’s dumb enough to take you in. You have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple pie life, Dean. Promise me!”

Castiel opened one of this eyes and saw Dean nod, just barely. Sam seemed satisfied and turned to stare back out across the road. Normal, apple pie life. Normal was certainly not something Castiel could provide, and he knew how much Dean enjoyed pie. It sounded pleasant. And Dean had promised. Of course, Sam knew nothing of their relationship, but he probably knew what was best for Dean better than Castiel did. And he knew for certain that he was not best for Dean, not after what he had done. Even without his grace, he was still more than capable of hurting Dean, physically and mentally. He should just let Dean go, let all of it go. He shut his eyes and attempted to fall back asleep. At least during sleep he would not have to think.

~*~

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“Now that you have thwarted the apocalypse, do you plan to find Lisa and apple pie, as you promised your brother?” Castiel almost did not want to hear the answer. He had tried to prepare himself for leaving Dean’s side since he had heard the promise. He had even removed his mark from Dean’s shoulder after his grace had been returned to him, but he still longed to stay with Dean.

Dean narrowed his eyes and looked over at Castiel. "You were awake for that, huh?" He shook his head slightly and sighed, “I mean, yeah, I guess. A promise is a promise, after all.” His eyes remained fixed on the highway ahead of them. "Especially when you promise someone," he gulped, "as kinda their last wish." They were both silent for a moment. Dean sighed again and finally looked over at Castiel. “What are you gonna do now?”

So this was goodbye, then. Castiel thought back on all that had happened between them as they discussed his return to Heaven. How could he ask Dean to go against his promise, to continue hunting, to pray to Castiel whenever he needed assistance...or physical satisfaction? Dean had a chance at something normal. How could he presume to stand in the way?

“What about me, huh? Where’s my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole!”

Why was he so angry? Sam had willingly sacrificed himself to save millions of people from the collateral damage of Michael and Lucifer’s aborted battle. He had gotten Earth in a very similar state to before the apocalypse had begun, just as he had set out to after Sam’s betrayal. “You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have: peace or freedom?” The stark bitterness of his own words startled him. He wanted to be Dean’s grand prize. He wanted to slide across the seat and give Dean something for which to be thankful. He should free Dean of his presence before he said or did anything else to endanger Dean’s already shaky resolve to fulfill his promise to Sam. He left Dean and headed back to Heaven for the first time in what seemed like an eternity without saying another word.

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