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he knows her eyes hold words she'll never speak. you should've known. you should've stopped him. he only looks away, he can't look into her eyes anymore. can't look into anyone's. he should have. words he can't bring himself to speak burn in the back of his throat. but how is he supposed to say them, look her in the eye and tell her he had the chance? he had chances. too many. but curse his naive heart for believing josh every time.
"it was just one time." tyler's fingers were cold, digging into the pale skin of josh's forearm.
he'd finally broken him down, gotten josh to stop lying, stop pretending he didn't know where he'd gotten it, that it must've been an accident. "it's never just one time." tyler's voice was too even, josh knew what disappointment sounded like and he wanted to shrink away from it.
"well this time it was." he tugged his arm too harshly out of tyler's grasp. tyler's fingers curled around air, his eyes still trained on the single fading thin line along josh's wrist. he looked tired, josh thought. "josh."
his name hung in the air between them, but it was more than just his name tyler was saying. he was pleading with him, he needed josh to stop lying to him, to himself. and maybe it wasn't disappointment in his voice. but sorrow. regret. blame?
"this isn't your fault, ty." tyler blinked at him, finally taking his eyes off josh's wrist. he didn't speak, only watched him.
"you help, if it weren't for you.." there was something in tyler's eyes that begged him not to finish the thought.
if he closes his eyes and concentrates, josh is there. not in the scenes that keep flashing through his mind like morbid movies on repeat. but with him. he can pretend he hears his faint breathing, that he feels a slight dip in the couch next to him, that the tapping of rain on the window is josh's fingers, drumming on the coffee table like always. if he focuses too intently on certain details, the picture morphs into things he doesn't want to remember. fingers drumming on a wooden surface hold stained metal instead and the dip in the couch becomes a too-heavy weight in his arms. but if he pretends just right, things are okay like they could have been.
"i was going to stop." quiet, like he didn't want to say it. he knew tyler didn't want to hear it. knew it didn't change anything.
"were you?" he still sat too close, knees pressed too hard into josh's but josh didn't move.
tyler held josh's hand like he was afraid it would break, cradled it in both his own and refused to look at his skin anymore.
he'd gotten better at being quiet, at not scaring josh away when he found him like this. though he hadn't found him quite like this, quite this far, until now, until tonight.
"why is it," josh's voice shook and tyler traced patterns on his palm, "that the nights are so much harder?" tyler shook his head imperceptibly as he thought of something, anything, to say.
"what's the difference?" he finally let his eyes meet tyler's.
tyler blinked. he could feel josh's breath on his face. he'd never given much thought to it before, the breath in josh's lungs. the possibility of it not being there. now the thought wouldn't leave him. josh's life meant so little to him and it meant everything to tyler. if josh knew that would it change anything? tyler had given up on wondering a while ago. "i don't know."
josh remained motionless when tyler's chapped lips found his own, didn't flinch when the younger boy's fingers clasped behind his neck. he faintly remembered a time when this sort of contact would have set everything inside him on fire. but now there was nothing left to light. he'd waited too long, he supposed. he remembered how this worked, though, what was expected of him.
tyler was eager and persistent. josh was tired. he couldn't remember when his eyes had closed but now they felt too heavy to open. he knew tyler couldn't tell the difference.
tyler finally broke away, and josh gave him a miserable smile. tyler answered with his own. a small piece of him hoped tyler's was genuine. maybe that was the one real thing josh had left to give him.
he'd spent seven years of his life being afraid of what would happen if they ever actually did it. gave in. he'd only gotten two months to figure it out. two months that he'd wasted. but two months was more than he deserved, he knows that now. if he could go back he'd try with everything he had to make two months count, for both of them.
"i wasn't gonna do it, i was only thinking." tyler had never heard josh speak so softly. it was a stark contrast to his own voice, verging on yelling.
"thinking?" he couldn't stop his voice from rising, any more than he could stop josh's hands from shaking or the tears slipping down his skin.
"of what it'd be like." josh's eyes drop to the ground, to tyler's knees pressed into the cold tile. "to do it."
he sniffs. "but i wasn't going to."
tyler is silent.
"ty, i swear."
he almost cuts off the end of josh's sentence. "i never wanna see you like that again."
josh still doesn't meet his eyes. "don't be mad." barely audible.
"i'm not mad." his voice has softened, but josh can't decide if this is a good thing.
"you're lying." josh presses his hands palms-down against the tile, wills them to stop trembling.
tyler's voice is steadier. "i'm scared."
josh feels small. "i'm sorry."
tyler shifts, crawls over to josh, tugs the older boy into his arms and grips him too tightly. like he's trying to hold him together. "i know." trying in vain.
tyler's fingers card through fading yellow hair. josh's eyes stay trained on the abandoned pills scattered across the floor of the tiny room.
on good days the unvoiced questions gnaw at the edges of his mind and he allows himself to dwell on them for a while. why didn't you try harder why didn't you tell someone why didn't you do something. he never has answers for them. he doesn't remember everything he thought during those times. his mind's been wiped blank of so much of what he said to josh, so much of what he did and didn't do. at the time it felt right, but maybe it's his fault after all. he can't be sure now. it's like watching a one-sided relationship unfold in his mind, his own part in everything skipped over and ignored. the focus is always on josh. some people tell him that josh would've been gone years ago if it weren't for him- you help, if it weren't for you- he wishes he'd let josh finish that sentence. he wishes for a lot of things.
it was just one time i was going to stop i wasn't gonna do it
he wishes josh hadn't been such a good liar