Chapter Text
“Two days before we get out of Vladivostok and go back to Hong Kong and you just-“ Hermann couldn’t find words to express himself and settled for going back to scolding. “I don’t know whoever trusted you to babysit, but I don’t understand why you had to rope me in and-“
“…Because you’re CPR certified and I’m not,” Newt replied. “They said, ‘well, as long as there’s someone there who’s CPR certified-‘“
“Newton, I hate it when you just sign me up for things without telling me… And for what reason do you believe you are even qualified to babysit, I wouldn’t trust you with a cactus!”
“Kids love me, Hermann,” Newt said confidently. “You know, I just have a special way of communicating with them. It’s like, I totally get them.”
“Children are human beings with the appropriate mental capacity and communication skills, not animals...”
“Remember Public Day? The kiddies were all over me,” he bragged. “Oh, here we are, Quarters #201…” Newton gave a smile that was a little too excited and rapped eagerly on the door. “Hey! Hey! Babysitters here, who’s ready for some science?”
The door opened and the smile evaporated off of Newt’s face like a Frostee in hell.
“You are not Lena,” Sasha Kaidanovsky stated coldly. She glared down at the scientists. Already taller than Newton and as tall as Hermann, in the pointiest stilettos he had ever seen, she positively loomed over the both of them.
Newton gulped and mumbled something. He was doubly surprised, first by the fact that he was not informed as to whose child he had signed up to babysit, and second because he had never seen Sasha Kaidanovsky in anything besides her usual work clothes, much less in diamonds and the tiniest black dress ever, and God those legs looked like they had came right out of a CLAMP artbook- “Lena’s sick, so they sent me- us,” he explained weakly, all too aware that he was oogling. Behind him, Hermann gave an angry snort.
“Show me the papers,” she commanded, holding her hand out imperiously.
“Yeah, I got-“ Newton shuffled through his messenger’s bag in a panic. Shit. “I-I’m sorry, just hold on a second, haha I mean more than a second, I mean ten minutes, I forgot th-“
“Here they are,” Hermann said calmly, taking the notice sheets out of his leather case. “I’m sorry that my colleague is such an irresponsible, unorganized fellow,” Hermann said stuffily and Sasha scrutinized the dispatch papers for any hint of forgery.
“Very well,” she said reluctantly. “It seems that everything is in order. Come in.”
“C-Cool! I’ve never been in a Ranger’s room before, do you guys ever keep any Kaiju parts because if you do, I- Ouch!” Newton moaned as Hermann whacked him with his cane as he walked by.
The inside of the Russians’ apartment was well lit and had a comfortable, homey atmosphere. Childproof devices were sprinkled generously throughout the place- foam corners on every edge, plastic covers over every outlet- Newton half expected a public safety announcement to flash over his vision at any second.
“My daughter, Viktoriya,” Sasha stated, tilting her head towards the direction of the child.
Viktoriya, was four years old but short for her age, snow-blonde like her mother but with her father’s sharp brows and nose. She was currently occupied, sitting on her father’s lap and using his massive, muscled arms as a ski slope for some brightly-colored plastic animals. Her father (Aleksis, Newt remembered. His name was Aleksis, not Sasha…) was the tallest human being Newt had ever seen, and he had been to Dr. Sten’s Parade of Oddities at least fifty times in middle school. His tall wife looked like a doll next to him, and in his arms, his tiny daughter looked like one of those photoshopped fairy hoax pictures. Currently, he was patiently sitting as still as a small mountain as his daughter lined rabbits on his arm. Occasionally he would say something deep and damn near infrasound, but apparently his daughter had no trouble listening to things pressing the lowest limit of human hearing and babbled back happily.
“Tonight, we have been ordered to attend a fundraising gala for the PPDC, along with our colleagues from the Nova Hyperion, Ms. Pang and Ms. An. We are about to leave, and we will return in five hours, at midnight. Viktoriya should be in bed long before then. I have left a schedule of the evening on the refrigerator. Do not deviate from it unless if in case of emergency,” Sasha commanded sternly, her blue eyes narrowing threateningly as she regarded Newton and Hermann. “Do you have any questions?”
He finally admitted his reservations. “Well, I’m afraid my Russian isn’t very good, and by that I mean I can’t speak Russian at all, and uh…” Newton tried to find a way to state that if her parents had been the one who taught Vika English, only a codebreaker would be able to understand her. But Mr. Kaidanovsky apparently caught onto his train of thought.
“’Er Englich ez perfeck,” Aleksis growled from where his daughter was pulling his beard and climbing onto his head, bristling in anger at the supposed slight.
“Hah, no, no, I’m sure it is!” Newton exclaimed, backpedaling wildly.
“Iz t’ere problem?”
“No, sir, no, not at all, I’m honored to babysit Mika- uh, Vika-“
Sasha called out something in Russian, and Aleksis laughed back and muttered something too. Apparently satisfied, he stood up, Vika in his arms. He kissed the top of her head roughly, and she laughed wildly as her father’s beard scratched her face. “Papa, Papa, RussianRussianRussianRussian,” she whined, little hands wrapped around his tie.
“RussianRussianRussianRussian,” the man replied, kissing her noisily on both cheeks. “RussianRussian.” The exchange finished, he threw her in the air, caught her, and tried to put her back down on the carpet, only to end up with her stuck to his arm like a persistent piece of duct tape.
“Naaaaaaaa,” Viktoriya whined, and it took both parents five minutes to gently disengage her and put her back down on her play mat.
“RussianRussianRussianRussian, Mama and Papa RussianRussianRussianRussian,” Sasha cooed and kissed her daughter’s cheeks, leaving behind bright red prints. This seemed to calm Viktoriya, and the Kaidanovskys stood up and headed towards the doorway.
“One more thing,” Sasha said quietly, as she and Aleksis left.
“Yeah?” Newt asked.
“You have six doctorates, correct?” Sasha asked, crossing her arms. Partially hidden by the top of the doorframe, her oversized husband mimicked the motion behind her, adding a grunt for emphasis.
“Yes, ma’am, my first was in-“
“Good, in that case we will break six of your bones for everyone one thing that my daughter says went wrong. Good evening. We will see you in five hours.” With that, the Kaidanovskys left, leaving Newton frozen in place.
“I won’t stop them, you know,” Hermann said frostily.
Newton took a moment to survey his surroundings. It wasn’t a large apartment- just the living room, a kitchenette, a bedroom, a bathroom, and what had previously been a small room before having been converted into a child’s room. Safety first, and he gave an approving nod before turning his attention his charge, who was still sitting where her father had left her, looking sullenly at the newcomers.
“Isn’t she the sweetest little thing? So adorable!” Newton squealed. “Don’t you want to hug her?”
Hermann only rolled his eyes. “Going purely by her bloodlines, I am not stepping within five feet of her.”
“No, look, she’s a little angel! She looks like she came right off a Christmas card! Hermann, Hermann, come on, take a picture of us- I am totally using these as my Christmas card…”
“Newton, I am not- no, no, I am not touching your iPhone; it probably has Kaiju biohazard all over it-“
“Aww, come on Hermann…”
“No.”
“Fine. Me and Vika are going to have a party without you,” he replied petulantly, patting his knee. “Vika, hey Vika, wanna say hi?” Viktoriya reluctantly came over, her hands clasped behind her back as she dragged her feet. “I’m Uncle Newt, and this is Auntie Hermann-“
“Newton!”
“-We’re going to have a lot of fun together, Viktoriya, Vika- …Can I call you Viki?” he asked, smiling and reaching up a hand to pat her head.
Viktoriya screeched and bit his hand.