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“You could try telling him? Just like that, y’know,” Kihyun says but falls silent when Changkyun cracks the egg a little too hard on the counter. He winces. “Bad idea?” he asks.
Changkyun frowns down at the bowl as if it had personally offended him. “You think I didn’t try?” he mutters. “I got as far as I lo- before I faked a sneeze.”
Kihyun pulls a face and goes for a sympathetic shoulder pat but stops short when Changkyun starts whisking the ingredients together, the whisk clinking harshly against the bowl. Kihyun slowly retracts his hand. He watches the younger one, the way his shoulders are drawn up, tense, and sighs at the frown on his face, the slight pout on his lips. “Jooheon doesn’t care about it,” he says softly, in hopes of placating his friend. “As long as you’re with him, he’s happy.”
“I care,” Changkyun grumbles and Kihyun’s face falls. He knows a lost case when he sees one, so he goes for the second thing burning on his mind.
“Do we really need more cookies?” Kihyun asks, side-eyeing the three, still cooling off, batches on the kitchen table. “Who’s gonna eat them?” Changkyun stares at him. “They’re chocolate chip,” he says.
Kihyun stares back. Changkyun doesn’t move. “Okay,” Kihyun says. “Okay.”
Jooheon’s a good boyfriend.
Changkyun doesn’t know what he did to deserve Jooheon, one of his best friends who he’d been crushing on, before a Christmas party hosted by a mutual friend revealed that Jooheon felt the same. Jooheon’s nice, kind, attractive, funny –
And loves Changkyun. And has told him so. More than once. And Changkyun, despite them already dating for almost a year, still hasn’t said it back. It’s not that he doesn’t love Jooheon. He does. Has been in love with him for ongoing two years now. He knows his feelings for Jooheon are there, and they’re strong, but whenever he tries to say those three little words, they get stuck in his throat and it’s as if he’s back in Boston, first day of school and he has to introduce himself to twenty high schoolers who, for the next three years, won’t get his name right.
Changkyun has tried to practice saying them alone, in front of the bathroom mirror, and has gotten as far as I love before his throat closed up and he’d gripped the sink so hard that his knuckles turned white.
Jooheon says it all the time. Jooheon says it when they’re grocery shopping, when they’re on a date, when Changkyun initiates the PDA first and cuddles his face into Jooheon’s neck while they’re with their friends, says it when Changkyun does absolutely nothing except laze around the apartment on his days off, in his boxers and hoodie.
Jooheon is a good boyfriend. And on top of it all, Jooheon is patient. Which makes him probably the best boyfriend, but Changkyun is never going to say that in public because his friends would probably make a competition out of it, to see who the best couple is, and Changkyun feels like he doesn’t deserve that title since he can’t even tell his boyfriend that he loves him.
What a fucking mess he is.
“Changkyunnie, I’m on a diet,” Minhyuk whines. “You can’t make something as delicious as a chocolate fudge cake when I’m on a diet.”
“Why’re you eating it then?” Kihyun asks and lightly shoves Minhyuk’s shoulder with his own, dragging the plate closer. He takes another bite and closes his eyes, humming in appreciation.
Minhyuk glares at him. “Now don’t get greedy,” he says and drags the cake back into the middle, grabbing his own fork.
Changkyun watches them. “I love this chocolate cake,” he says.
“Me too, buddy,” Minhyuk moans around another bite. “This is the best cake I’ve ever had. I want to have sex with this cake.”
“Are you that deprived?” Kihyun asks.
“I’m choosing to ignore your comments today since this cake has put me in such a good mood that nothing can ruin it. I think I hear angels singing.”
“I love…this chocolate cake,” Changkyun says again, face twisting into a displeased frown. His friends fall silent and turn their eyes to him.
Changkyun takes a deep breath. “And I love –“ He swallows.
“Us?” Minhyuk suggests, beaming at him.
Changkyun groans and leans on the counter, putting his face in his hands. “Where did you learn to bake this good?” Minhyuk asks, humming around his fork. “Because, like, you can barely cook food to save your life but your baking, oh man.”
“My mom,” Changkyun replies, voice muffled through his hands. “She loves to bake. I used to help her when I was little.”
“You love your mom?” Kihyun suddenly asks out of nowhere and Changkyun lifts his head, looks at him. “I do,” he says slowly.
“Say it.”
Realization dawns on him. “I love my mom,” Changkyun says.
Kihyun nods. “And you love your dad?”
“And I love my dad.”
“And you love your boyfriend, Jooheon.”
“And I –“ Changkyun swallows, closes his eyes, takes a breath. Opens his eyes. “I lo –“
He lets out a frustrated groan and grabs a fork. “I’m a horrible person,” he says as cuts himself an especially big piece. “I’m a horrible, horrible person.”
Minhyuk pats his hand consolatory. “You’ll get there,” Kihyun says.
The shout of “Sorry, I’m late!” is immediately followed by a kiss on his cheek and then Jooheon’s sliding into the seat opposite him, out of breath, chest heaving, but he’s grinning and Changkyun feels calmer by the second.
“I wasn’t waiting long,” he says, reassuring Jooheon. “Class got out late?”
“Had to ask my teacher for something regarding our latest assignment,” Jooheon explains, then leans forward. His hand seems to find Changkyun’s on its own and Changkyun bites back a smile when Jooheon absently starts playing with his fingers. Jooheon smiles. “So, what are you working on today?”
Their Wednesday dates had been going on even before they got together and Changkyun finds he likes that little piece of normalcy in their otherwise busy schedules. During the week, a shared lunch doesn’t fit into their days but Wednesday dates were theirs and he wouldn’t change it.
Changkyun always got to their table in the café earlier and so he’d made it a habit by doodling in his notebook, writing down lyrics, whatever came to his mind. And since he’d started dating Jooheon, these lyrics had always been about the other boy. Usually, he’d share his lyrics with Jooheon, would secretly flourish under his praise, but today, as he remembers the two pages full with I love you’s, he feels his cheeks darken. Minhyuk had suggested it, had said that maybe writing down would help him feel more secure but so far Changkyun only felt like a high school girl with a crush, too shy to confess.
He grins and starts playing with the rings on Jooheon’s right hand. “Nothing much,” he says, tone light. “Not many ideas today.” He looks up. “Tell me about your day.”
“Our anniversary is on Sunday,” Changkyun says, staring at the ceiling. His right hand is dangling off the side of the couch. “He’s gonna say it. He’s already said it three times this week. He’s gonna say it and I’m gonna say ‘That’s nice’, or something equally as lame and he’s going to realize that he’s been stuck in a relationship with an emotionally constipated idiot for a year and he’s going to break up with me and I’ll be left alone with that raspberry shortcake I’m gonna make for dessert. I don’t even like raspberry shortcake that much.”
Hoseok hums from his place on the floor. “And how does that make you feel?”
Changkyun glares at him, at Hoseok’s barely concealed grin.
“It feels like you’re acting as my therapist.”
Hoseok puts a hand over his heart and gasps in mock-hurt. “I thought that’s what you wanted when you knocked on my door for advice?”
“I was actually hoping to run into Hyunwoo hyung,” Changkyun mumbles.
“Well, you could get advice from him,” Hoseok says slowly. “Or from someone who’s been in a very loving and successful relationship for three years.”
“Okay, I’ll bite,” Changkyun sighs. “When was the first time you told Hyungwon hyung you loved him?”
Hoseok doesn’t bat an eyelash. “On our first date.”
Changkyun blinks. “Sorry, what?”
Hoseok nods and smiles, showing off his teeth. “He offered to blow me in the restaurants’ bathroom and I said holy shit I think I’m in love with you.”
Changkyun stares at him. “How did he even agree to a second date?”
Hoseok shrugs. “You know Jooheon’s not bothered by it, right? I’ve known him my entire life. He’s the type, when he really means it, to say it all the time. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. He loves you, he wants you to know,” he says, playing with the ripped hole in his jeans.
“I know,” Changkyun mumbles. “But one day he is going to realize I never say it back. What am I supposed to do when he confronts me about it?”
“He’ll understand.” Hoseok’s voice has taken on an understanding tone. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. These things take time.”
Changkyun knows he can trust Hoseok; he is Jooheon’s best friend since childhood after all, but despite all that he still feels like Jooheon deserves to hear it. Deserves to know how much he means to Changkyun. Because Jooheon, with all his characteristics and the ability to see good in everything and with all the love in his heart, deserves to hear how much he’s loved and appreciated, especially by his boyfriend.
Changkyun smiles slightly and is about to thank him when Hoseok says, “But please stop with the baking. I can’t see any more cookies.”
He looks up a recipe for strawberry pancakes because they’re Jooheon’s favorites and he needs a change in baking since Jooheon came home that day to another batch of cookies in the oven and had looked at him weirdly.
“Are you okay?” he’d asked later, as he watched Changkyun place the cookies carefully in a tupperware container and grabbed a sharpie, along with a pack of post-it notes. “Did something happen?”
Changkyun had looked up and smiled; a real smile since he never had to force anything with Jooheon, had always known Jooheon’s worry was genuine. “I’m fine,” he’d said. “No need to worry.” And that had been the perfect moment to say it – nothing flashy, just the two of them at home, Jooheon leaning on his elbows on the kitchen counter, a soft, small smile on his face. The dimple on his left cheek just prominent. Changkyun had kept his eyes on that dimple when he’d opened his mouth. “I lo –“
And Jooheon had continued to watch him and Changkyun’s eyes had stayed glued on his dimple as he’d stumbled over his words and said, “I looked up a new recipe online.”
Jooheon had grinned and Changkyun had, once again, realized that the boy in front of him, the one who smiled like the sun and shone like one too, deserved the world.
The container had been labelled Hoseok.
“Hey, Kyun,” Jooheon calls out and Changkyun walks out of the bedroom, towelling his hair dry. “Hm?” he asks, stepping into the kitchen, when his gaze falls on Jooheon. More precisely, Jooheon sitting at the counter, staring at the lemon cake which Changkyun had made earlier that morning. And had hidden at the very back of the fridge so that this wouldn’t happen. Changkyun’s face falls and, coincidentally, he drops the towel. “Uh.”
“Well?” Jooheon raises a brow, glancing from the cake to Changkyun.
Changkyun clears his throat. “You see, babe, that’s a lemon cake, four layers, with a lemon frosting and –“
“Changkyun,” Jooheon interrupts.
He falls silent. “It’s my mom’s recipe,” he says timidly, avoiding Jooheon’s gaze. “Remember my mom? I should call her. I haven’t called her in a while.” He’s rambling, he knows, but he can feel Jooheon’s heavy gaze on him and he’s not ready to look up yet, not ready to see the judgemental expression on Jooheon’s face, or even worse, the disappointment.
“Changkyun,” Jooheon says again. Changkyun sighs and looks up. Jooheon’s carefully watching him, face blank except for the furrow of his eyebrows, chewing on his lower lip. “Are you okay?” he asks once he’s caught Changkyun’s gaze. “This is the third cake you’ve baked this week, not to mention all those cookies.”
“They weren’t that many,” Changkyun weakly replies but they both know it’s a lie. All of their friends got two containers with chocolate chip cookies, along with the lovely old lady, living in the apartment next to them. Hoseok was right; even he can’t look at cookies anymore without feeling sick.
Jooheon doesn’t say anything.
“I like baking,” Changkyun says and nods. Mostly to himself. “It’s my new hobby. My new passion. I think I’m gonna drop out of university and open up a bakery. Will you support me?”
Jooheon lets a small smile to form on his face. “I’ll support you in anything you decide to do.”
Changkyun’s overwhelmed with the urge to hug Jooheon, kiss Jooheon, or burst into tears. Maybe all three. “That’s good to know,” he nods again. “That’s very – very nice of you. And I lo –“ And I love you. The words are in his head, they’re there, he just needs to get them out. C’mon, Changkyun. “And I – love this lemon cake.”
He mentally hits himself on the head.
Jooheon looks surprised, glancing back at the forgotten cake. “That’s –“ He frowns, his forehead wrinkling. Oh God, Changkyun thinks in a panic. He’s going to be the cause for Jooheon getting premature wrinkles. “I’m sorry!” he squeaks out and Jooheon startles, turning around to face him. “What are you sorry for…hey, hey, are you crying?” Changkyun didn’t even notice his eyes tearing up but before he can freak out, Jooheon is already out of his seat and by his side, cupping his cheeks. His thumbs are wiping the tears away.
“Hey, babe, there’s no need to cry,” he says softly, eyes worried. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just –“ Changkyun sniffles. “Stressed,” he finishes lamely.
“Then, let’s just watch your favorite movie and go to bed, alright?” Jooheon suggests and Changkyun wants to cry more. He doesn’t deserve Jooheon, doesn’t deserve to be treated with such care.
Jooheon kisses the spot under his left eye. “Sound good?” he asks. Changkyun weakly nods. Jooheon smiles. “Good. I love you.”
And there it is.
Changkyun grabs onto Jooheon’s sweatshirt, tightening his grip. “I’m sorry I can’t say it back,” he whispers.
Jooheon’s eyebrows pull up. “What do you mean?”
Changkyun sighs. “You say it all the time and I want to say it back but I can’t and it frustrates me and, and you deserve someone who tells you and, and –“ He falls silent. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t dare look at him, instead focuses his gaze on his hand still fisted in Jooheon’s sweatshirt. His fingers slacken and he spreads his palm out on Jooheon’s chest, right above his heart.
“Oh, that,” Jooheon chuckles softly and at the sound, Changkyun frowns, lifting his eyes.
“That’s why you’ve been baking so much?” Jooheon asks and Changkyun nods. “Never wanted to open a bakery.”
Jooheon grins. “I figured.” His grin turns into a soft smile and he rubs Changkyun’s cheek, a gesture Changkyun’s found to be relaxing. “It’s okay if you don’t say it back. I know you do.”
Changkyun nods. “I really do, but – I want to say it. You deserve to hear it every day but whenever I try to say it, I end up saying something entirely different, like, I love lemon cake. I don’t even like lemon cake!” He glares at aforementioned cake. “I’m going to give it to Hoseok hyung, probably.”
“Hoseok doesn’t like lemon cake either.”
“Kihyun hyung, then. It’s bitter, like him.”
Jooheon laughs and presses a kiss to Changkyun’s forehead. “I know you love me. That’s enough for me. I figured it was probably because of what you told me at the beginning of our relationship.”
Changkyun tilts his head. “What did I tell you?”
“You don’t remember?” Jooheon looks taken aback but a hint of amusement in glinting behind his eyes.
Changkyun shrugs and Jooheon grins, his hands dropping until they settle on Changkyun’s waist. “You were pretty drunk when we had that conversation,” he muses. “You said you were scared of letting someone into your life, of getting into a relationship, because they might end up leaving you. You said you were scared of abandonment. I just assumed that’s why you were so afraid of saying I love you. Because if you do say it and you end up getting hurt, then…was it even real?”
Changkyun’s cheeks flush. “Oh,” he says lamely. “Sounds like me.”
Jooheon’s lips turn up into a smile. Changkyun leans forward and presses a kiss to his left dimple before resting his forehead on Jooheon’s shoulder. The hands on his waist tighten. “I’m not going to leave,” Jooheon whispers into his hair.
Changkyun smiles. “I know.”
Changkyun wakes up to an arm around his waist and warm breath ghosting across his neck, along with feather light kisses. “Happy anniversary,” Jooheon mumbles. Another kiss follows.
Changkyun hums and lifts his hand, running it through Jooheon’s hair. “Happy anniversary,” he murmurs. “Are you planning on staying in bed all day?”
Jooheon sleepily blinks his eyes open. “What did you have in mind?”
“I was gonna make you pancakes,” Changkyun replies. “And a cake, later.”
Jooheon grins. “Aren’t you sick of baking?”
“I am, actually.”
Jooheon laughs and presses another kiss to Changkyun’s neck before leaning up on his elbows. “Let’s get breakfast at the diner.”
The diner where they’d had breakfast after the Christmas party a year ago, where they’d kissed under the mistletoe and then talked until the sun rose. Changkyun smiles. “Okay.”
Changkyun grimaces at the amount of syrup Jooheon’s pouring on his pancakes. “Honestly, how can you even eat that?”
Jooheon shrugs. “I like it sweet,” he says and wriggles his eyebrows. “As you can see by whom I’m dating.” Changkyun groans. “Please don’t do that.” Jooheon laughs and goes to grab a napkin to wipe his hands and Changkyun watches him, hiding his smile behind his hand.
Letting people in hadn’t been his strongest suit. As a kid, he’d been closed off and the moving and going to school in a different country hadn’t helped. But then he moved back and enrolled into university and he still remembers when Kihyun, his roommate at that time, had introduced him to his friends and he’d met Jooheon and –
It’s easy with Jooheon. It’s simple.
Changkyun thinks of his notebook with the pages full of the written I love you’s and he looks at Jooheon in front of him, wiping up the spilled syrup on the table, his hair messed up because of the wind, in an almost empty diner with pop music playing through the speakers, the morning light reflecting in one of the rings on Jooheon’s hand. One of Changkyun’s rings, actually, now that he looks closer. Jooheon had taken to wearing his things when they moved out of the dorms and gotten an apartment together.
Changkyun wonders if it always had been this simple.
“I love you,” he says.
Jooheon looks up, lips slightly parted. His eyes are shining. “Say that again,” he says, an expression of awe ghosting across his face. Changkyun bites back a smile. “I love you,” he says slowly.
Jooheon grins, dimples popping up. His hand seems to find Changkyun’s on its own.