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Sirius Black shifted from foot to foot, stomach churning threateningly, as he watched Remus stir. Tears stung at his eyes and he wiped at them furiously, cursing softly, tiredly. He’d been in the Hospital Wing for hours - having slipped in as soon as the simple warning charm he’d placed on the door to Pomfrey’s private quarters had gone off - and it was nearing dawn now. The turquoise curtains surrounding Remus’ bed were drawn and hung heavy with a multitude of privacy spells. The animagus drew a deep breath when the werewolf’s eyelids began to flutter; after a night of pacing and violently swinging between depression and anger at himself, it was finally time to face the music. For what Sirius was sure was the last time, he studied Remus Lupin carefully, trying with all his might to burn the image of his best friend into his retinas. He was fairly certain he’d never be allowed to lay eyes on him again.
“P-pads?”
He didn’t even wonder how the werewolf knew it was him, “Here, Moony,” he choked out as he hurried toward the bed, automatically reaching to fill a glass with water. As gently as he was able, Sirius maneuvered Remus into an upright position before bringing the glass to chapped lips.
“Where are the others?” Remus rasped, sinking back into his pillows after drinking his fill, “Getting breakfast? Because they know I can’t eat after -”
“They’re not getting breakfast, Moony,” Sirius interrupted, “In fact, they don’t know I’m here or that you’re awake yet.”
Remus frowned, sleepy, pain-hazed amber eyes turning to stormy greys. He was silent for a long minute, then - “What happened?”
Sirius’ knees shook. He desperately needed to sit down but didn’t; he didn’t deserve it.
“No one got hurt,” he said hoarsely, bile rising in his throat again, “no thanks to me,” he muttered with a grimace. He glared at his shoes for a moment, then squared his shoulders. He would not lie to his friend, nor would he try and justify what he’d done – he’d tell it like it was. He wasn’t going to beg for forgiveness either because he definitely didn’t deserve that.
“I’ve done something unforgivable.”
“What, did you get drunk and try to snog Evans again?” Remus asked with a hollow laugh, concern etched into his already-lined face.
Sirius shook his head and forced himself to look up at the werewolf.
“Remus, do you remember last week, when Slughorn held me back after potions? Well, that wasn’t the only reason I got back to the Common Room so late... Snape cornered me in the dungeons, and started spouting shit, as usual. I was just going to walk away, but then he said something about you and about how you disappeared every month,” Sirius heard the sharp intake of breath, but by now his sight was blurred by tears and he was nearly relieved he couldn’t see the hate clouding those beautiful eyes, “I was pissed at Slughorn and pissed at Snape and pissed at my parents and the Howler they sent and I snapped. I -” his voice broke and he could barely continue in a whisper, but he dredged onward, “I told Snape that if he was so curious but too stupid to figure it out himself then maybe he should go poking around the base of the Willow... And la-last night he did.”
Remus hissed, “I thought you said no one was hurt!”
“Snape’s fine, the rat bastard,” Sirius spat, but his anger at the thought of his self-proclaimed nemesis barely flared before being drowned by regret, “W-we were heading down when we saw Snape slipping through the roots. James managed to get in and pull him back, dragged him all the way back to the castle, but not before he’d reached the Shack and had a glimpse of Moony. Dumbledore swore him to secrecy afterwards, but, Remus, Snape knows you’re a werewolf and it’s all my fault. I’m so-sorry!”
He couldn’t stand after his confession and Sirius sank to the tiled floor, his sobs loud in the absolute silence surrounding Remus’ bed.
“YOU IDIOT!” Remus’ roar made Sirius recoil but he didn’t try to defend himself or say anything further – he deserved whatever Remus threw at him, be it harsh words, hate or even physical blows.
“What if Snape had made it into the Shack?! What if Moony had ripped him to pieces?!”
An insane urge to snap that the greasy bastard deserved no less bubbled up but Sirius tamped it down – this situation was bad enough without his wise cracks. He bit his lip, hard enough to break the skin, and chanced a look at his soon-to-be former best friend. Remus was glaring down at him, looking angrier that Sirius had ever seen, and the raven-haired boy’s heart broke a little more.
“Re-”
“What if James hadn’t made it in time and Snape had died, Sirius?! Or been bitten?! What if James had been bitten? What if it got out that you basically told Snape where to find a fully grown werewolf?! At the very least you’d be looking at a murder charge and an eternity in Azkaban you fool! Azkaban! Or worse - you’d be sentenced to the Kiss! And all because you were having a bad day!”
There was more furious shouting after this, but Sirius didn’t hear it as he stared at Remus in stunned disbelief – it almost sounded as if...
“Remus, I’m sorry for the position I put you in” his soft voice broke through to the werewolf, who blinked at him, “I’m sorry I outed you, to Snape of all people.”
“He would’ve figured it out eventually,” Remus muttered tiredly, slumping back, all the fight draining from him, “he’s been snooping around for a while; it wouldn’t have taken him long to put all the pieces together the way you and James did. At least him finding out the way he did meant he’s been sworn to secrecy – if he had worked it out himself we wouldn’t have known until he outed me to the whole school.”
Sirius couldn’t believe it, even though the amber-eyed boy’s logical response had confirmed what he suspected.
“Yo-you don’t hate me for what I did?” he asked in a small voice, scrambling to his knees.
“Did you tell Snape where to find me to get back at me for something? Or with the intention of him finding Moony and being killed? Were you planning on using Moony as a tool to rid the world of Severus Snape?”
“Never!” Sirius protested immediately and honestly, “I wasn’t thinking when I blurted it out and I never thought that the tosser would actually do it, I swear!”
“Then, Sirius, I’m mad as all hell that you blurted it out to Snape like that, and hurt that you didn’t think before doing it,” Sirius felt his heart squeeze painfully when sorrowful eyes turned on him, “But I don’t hate you, Pads – I could never hate you.”
A massive weight lifted off Sirius at those soft spoken words and he could suddenly breathe again. Inexplicably, this opened the floodgates again and in a moment the raven-haired teen was on his feet and had flung himself over Remus, crying in earnest as he begged the werewolf to forgive him.
“Hush, filhote,” the werewolf soothed, running gentle hands through Sirius’ dishevelled locks, “everything will be fine, you’ll see.”
“Why don’t you hate me?” Sirius exclaimed through his sobs.
“Why would I hate you?”
Sirius stilled. He hadn’t said it before, because he hadn’t wanted to admit that there was anything worse than outing Remus, but he couldn’t understand why his friend was so calm.
“I put your life in danger,” he whispered, so low that it was only because Remus was a werewolf that he heard him.
“What? What do you mea- Oh! Sirius, you didn’t endanger my life!”
That was enough for Sirius to remove his face from Remus’ lap, “What? No, I did – if you had harmed Snape in anyway they would’ve – would’ve...”
“What, put me down?”
Sirius made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, “Ye-yeah.”
“Sirius, did I in any way ask, imply or force you to bring Snape to me?”
“No!” Sirius protested.
“Did I place myself in a position where I could attack Snape once the transformation took over?”
“Never!”
“Then, my dear filhote, I would have been safe, even if I had ripped Snape to tiny pieces.”
“What?”
Remus’ fingers resumed their caresses, “There a clause in the werewolf act, a loophole, that very, very few people know of; it states that, if a werewolf takes proper precautions during a full moon, such as locking themselves away, but someone still stumbles onto them and is attacked, the werewolf cannot be held responsible. Every month I am escorted to the Shrieking Shack, where the door is warded so that it can only be opened by human hands, as well as guarded by the Whomping Willow, which everyone has been warned away from by Dumbledore (not that much encouragement is needed). Even if they found out about your animagus forms and our romps during the full moon I cannot be held accountable – a werewolf loses all human attributes during the moon and therefore cannot distinguish right from wrong.”
“So,” Sirius surmised, sounding slightly reassured, “If something had happened to Snape...”
“As long as I could prove that I had no part in the incident? The worst they could do is expel me. You, however, would have been carted off to Azkaban,” this last statement came in a low growl and Remus tugged harshly on the strands that he held, grunting in satisfaction when Sirius yelped, “So don’t you ever even thinking of doing anything so fucking foolish again, you hear me!”
“I promise,” Sirius whispered, and he meant it.
“Thank yo- Why are you crying, Pads, I thought we’ve established that everything’s alright?”
“I thought I was going to lose you,” the raven-haired teen admitted brokenly, “I thought you’d hate me and never look at me again.”
“Oh, filhote, that could never happen – you’re stuck with me, forever.”
This garnered a strangled laugh from the animagus and Remus smiled.
“Come on, up.”
Sirius obeyed, then watched silently as Remus painfully inched his body across the tiny bed, wincing. Once he’d made it about halfway, he patted the empty space beside him in invitation. Sirius toed his sneakers off then gingerly climbed up, trying to jostle Remus as little as possible. Once he was lying down he opened his arms and waited as Remus manoeuvred himself until he was comfortable before carefully wrapping his arms around the werewolf.
“I am sorry, Moons,” he whispered into sandy hair and felt Remus squeeze the arms around him, “I know,” he whispered back.
“I never meant for anyone, least of all you, to get hurt.”
“I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; you need to learn to think before you open your trap.”
“We all know that’s never going to happen.”
Remus huffed a laugh, “A guy can wish, can’t he?”
“I’ll try my best, though,” Sirius promised, pressing a kiss to Remus’ head, “I’ll try.”
“All I ask.”
“And you have my permission to beat me to a pulp if I do anything so idiotic again.”
“Oh, I’m looking forward to that.”
Sirius chuckled, “You don’t have to sound so enthusiastic about it.”
Remus hummed non-committally, and the animagus smiled, unseen, at the familiar sound.
“Love you Moony.”
“Love you too, Pads. Now go to sleep.”
“Yes sir.”
The werewolf giggled, wriggling slightly to get comfortable, blithely ignoring Sirius’ groan.
Then there was silence throughout the Hospital Wing and the animagus assumed bed-mate had given in to the spell of the Sandman, but he couldn’t, not just yet. Relief and elation thrummed through him, setting his mind alight and at ease at the same time, making sleep impossible. He couldn’t help but close his eyes and send a prayer of thanks to whatever deities ruled his life; he shuddered to think how this may have turned out. Ever so carefully, he lay a hand on Remus’ chest, sighing happily at the heart beat he felt there.
“Stop hurting your brain by thinking and go to sleep,” Remus growled drowsily and Sirius chortled, but obediently closed his eyes and focused on the warmth he held in his arms. Just as he managed to doze off though -
“Hey, Padfoot?”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve decided I want a Full English Breakfast when I wake up.”
It was a good thing that Sirius had forgotten to take down the privacy wards because otherwise Pomfrey would have definitely woken to barks of laughter.