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When Sam and Dean walked back into the bunker, Castiel was sitting at the War Table, trying to look nonchalant as they walked in. Sam had called ahead of time and told him about what had happened and that the memory spell was gone but Castiel had subconsciously worried maybe Dean had forgotten other things…but as Dean came in behind Sam, his eyes hungrily eyed Cass, and he knew. Dean remembered everything. Castiel let tension ease from his shoulders as he stood to greet them. Sam gave him a half hug and drug his duffel bag to his room. Dean craned his neck to see Sam was out of view and he all but crushed Castiel to his front.
“Shit, it’s good to see your face. Forgetting what it looked like….I just…” Dean said with emotion in his voice as his nose buried itself in Castiel’s neck, his chin rubbing against the familiar feel of the trench coat.
“I know…I am quite indignant you wouldn’t let Sam call and tell me as soon as it happened…” Cass said before he reluctantly pulled away. “That was pig headed and stubborn. I could have helped…”
Dean let his arms drop to his side as he locked eyes with Castiel. “Not remembering you would have been more painful if I’d had to see your face as I forgot you….and I’m not sure I would have kept my filter about…us…as I lost my marbles.” Dean shuffled the toe of his shoe on the hard concrete as he grinned. “Sam already told me I was super psyched about our best friend being an Angel as it was…” Dean suddenly looked nervous as he chewed his lip. “We need to talk about some stuff that…happened…while I was gone…once Sammy’s asleep.”
Castiel tilted his head to the side, nodding once as he heard Sam returning. “Hey! Did Dean tell you about him riding Larry yet?” Sam all but yelled as he walked back in the room.
Castiel’s eyes tightened at the edges but he kept his face neutral. His eyes were confused and he lifted one eyebrow. “No?”
Dean rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically at his brother. “Larry is a mechanical bull. I uh, rode a mechanical bull at this bar I was at to pick up food…”
Sam grinned like an idiot before elbowing his brother. “I think you liked Larry more than that waitress you hooked up with…” Dean’s eyes widened as they locked with Castiel’s. Cass looked utterly calm but Dean knew that face. Shit. Sam was grinning, the oblivious soul that he was. He had no clue he had just ruined the best thing Dean had ever had….No…Dean knew this was on him. He was the one to blame.
“Sam, I’m tired. Think I’m still shaking off that hex. I’m gonna head to bed…” Dean said quietly as he picked his duffel bag off the floor and headed to his room. Sam’s forehead creased in concern as he looked at Dean’s retreating form.
“What did I say?” Sam said quietly, looking to Castiel, who was still stone faced.
“I’ve no clue, Sam. You act as if I know your brother as well as you. I clearly do not.” Castiel stalked off in the direction of the library and disappeared into the depths of the bunker.
Sam stood there looking where the two men had gone their separate ways and his eyes narrowed suspiciously.
Dean sat in his room, head in his hands. He’d changed for bed, brushed his teeth, and creeped around the bunker looking for Castiel. He could not find him. He’d had every intention of talking to him himself about what happened but Sam had to run his mouth…Damn it.
Cass, please come talk to me.
Dean sat cross legged on the bed, plucking at a loose thread on the bottom of his pajama pants as Castiel entered five minutes later. He silently shut the door behind him and he stood near the door. Dean sighed and looked up at him with guilt in his eyes.
“Let me tell you everything I know…and what I was told, before you dump me…” Dean whispered out. Castiel said nothing, his arms crossed over his chest with a look of sad resignation. He nodded for Dean to continue. “So I went to get Sam and me some burgers. I remember that. I remember riding the mechanical bull…I don’t remember the waitress at all. She said after I rode the bull we blew off some steam and made plans to meet after…I…I don’t remember any of that…or why I would do that…” Dean stammered out, looking at his hands like they would hold the answers. “She apologized for taking advantage of me...Cass, why would I cheat on you? I…I’m so…was so…happy…” Dean threw his head in his hands again and covered his eyes.
“Dean,” Castiel said with tenseness in his tone. Dean shook his head, unable to meet Castiel’s eyes.
“Dean. I can show you what exactly happened if you wish it. Like with your Purgatory memories,” Castiel said quietly, walking over to fill the space between them.
Dean nodded into his hands, swiping under his eyes as he dared to look up at the Angel he’d betrayed. Castiel looked down at him with a face devoid of emotion, which was worse than the anger he had been afraid was there. As Castiel pressed his warm fingertips to his forehead, lost memories flooded back. Dean gasped, knowing Castiel would see them too.
“That lying…”Dean growled out as his memory was restored. A tiny smile flicked at the edge of Castiel’s mouth, the first bit of emotion since Sam had dropped that bombshell. “She lied. I talked to her about the bull…she flirted with me….”
“And then you “rode” Larry, made polite flirtations with her, and then chased your witch out the back door…Dean you didn’t do anything wrong…” Castiel said calmly as he sat lightly on the end of bed. “Even if you had done something with her….I have no claim on you.”
Dean’s brow furrowed as he reached a hand out and laid it on Cass’ thigh. “Of course you do….When she told me what she said I’d done, I felt sick. I had to do that pretending thing I do like I thought it was cool…when I just knew I’d ruined this, us. Cass, I never want to lose you…and I thought I’d lost you twice this time. Through my actions and by losing myself…”
Castiel reached both arms wide and Dean almost launched himself into his waiting arms, burrowing into his familiar embrace. Cass buried his face into Dean’s hair, sighing quietly. He couldn’t ever let Dean know he’d doubted him. He couldn’t know the anger and betrayal he’d felt. Dean had punished himself for two days thinking he’d cheated and he’d been completely innocent…Cass pressed his fingers into Dean’s t-shirt clad back, pressing their bodies as close together as he could.
“Sam is not in bed…I should go until he retires for the night,” Castiel whispered softly into Dean’s ear. He felt his lover sigh and slowly pull away, bumping their foreheads together.
“You’ll come back?” Dean said with nervousness in his tone.
“As soon as Sam is asleep, I promise,” Castiel said with a ghost of a smile on his lips as he kissed the corner of Dean’s mouth. Cass stood and strode out of Dean’s room, pulling the door to.
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Dean had burrowed under the covers, taking a small nap while he waited for Castiel to return. He’d not been able to sleep last night for worrying over what would happen when Cass found out about the waitress. Now, with that weight gone, his eyelids had grown heavy. The dim light of the lamp left a buttery glow on the floor as he heard the door click open.
“Dean?” Castiel whispered softly. Dean scooted over in the bed and felt the mattress dip as Cass slid in under the cover with him. He’d shed his shoes and trench coat, presumably at the door.
Dean sighed softly as Castiel wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him to press against his front. They both sighed in contentment but Dean began to turn over, still groggy from sleep. “We can still fool around. I’m not that sleepy…” Dean murmured as he laid soft kisses on Castiel’s neck.
“Sleep, Dean. This has been a very difficult couple of days for you. I am perfectly content,” Castiel whispered softly against Dean’s lips before laying one chaste kiss against them.
Dean gave goofy, sleepy smile as he kissed Castiel’s jawline. “You’re just still jealous I rode Larry.”
Castiel grinned softly and kissed his forehead. “I still find it amusing you rode a mechanical bull. Was that something you had wanted to do for a while?”
Dean pondered Castiel’s question for a moment. “Yeah, actually. It actually wasn’t my first time…There’s a lot of bars around the country with them. You can make a lot of money betting on ‘em and I got pretty good when I was younger. Made some easy money. Haven’t done it in years, and Dad and Sam never saw me. It’s one of those things I don’t think they’d get why I liked it…”
“Like me?” Cass whispered with a hint of amusement in his tone.
Dean locked eyes with Castiel, fondness sparkling in his eyes. “Oh, Sam would totally get this. My dad, no. Doesn’t matter. I’m learning that what matters is what I want, who I want.”
“Even when everyone says we’re being selfish and breaking the laws of Heaven?” Castiel said quietly, his own insecurities sneaking out in the safety of Dean’s room, his sanctuary.
“Even then,” Dean said he ran a free hand through Castiel’s dark hair, smiling as Cass leaned into his touch. “Still wish either of us felt safe being open about this. I’m just…Too many bad people want us dead. They’ll hurt you to hurt me.”
“Or try to hurt you to punish me, as Ishim did,” Cass said as he closed his eyes.
“At least we get to have this…” Dean grumbled out, his tiredness winning out as he was enveloped in the calm warmth of his Angel. “Never want to lose this…” Dean murmured more softly as his eyelids fluttered against sleep.
“We’ll always have this, even if we lose each other,” Castiel said solemnly as he adjusted himself so Dean’s head was resting on his chest.
“Never want to lose you…” Dean sighed out as his arm came across Cass’ stomach, his eyes closed now.
“Or I, you, Dean. Sleep well…” Castiel whispered as he kissed the top of his head. Castiel knew the chances of them getting their Happily Ever After were slim to none. He knew he had to protect Dean, Sam, and now Mary from their own self-sacrificing tendencies but he also knew this would most likely come at the cost of his own life. A small price to pay in Cass’ eyes. Dean would not agree, but he’d never seen himself very clearly. Castiel used his Grace to lock the bedroom door and flip off the desk lamp. As the room was bathed in darkness, he sent out a prayer to his Father, the only being left he thought might actually care about his Winchesters, to watch over them. No one needed to know he did this every night, whether he was holding Dean close to him or sitting alone waiting for his return. He shouted his prayer into the void, hoping Chuck could still hear him, that he still cared for the Winchesters even if he didn't care about Castiel.