Work Text:
Steve had meet Bucky six years ago. They hit it off instantly, even at the young age of 14 they had become fast friends. High school held a bit of rough times for the pair. Steve wasn’t the coolest kid in school, and was constantly getting in fights or picked on. There was a time during 10th grade when Bucky was fed up with trying to protect him and decided that he’d rather get drunk with upper classmen then watch them beat up Steve. Eventually they came to their senses, made up and mutually decided to not bring that up anymore.
They had a good group of friends they made through baseball. Clint, Sam and Scott even rounded out their little group when Clint began dating Natasha right before their 3rd season, she was welcomed into the group. Bucky decided even if they broke up that Nat was still part of their ‘squad’ as Clint liked to call it.
Their dynamic held up even as they went their separate ways during college. Steve was sure to text Sam and Clint at least once a week and generally kept up with Scott on social media. They were fine with just seeing each other during breaks when they were home. Natasha was around, but no one was ever really sure what she was doing, she was alive and they all agreed that was good enough.
Bucky was a whole different story. Steve and Bucky had moved up to New York, they don’t attend the same college but they are close enough that weekend trips had been frequent. Frequent enough that when Bucky finally realized that he was in fact gay, Steve was there at his door within 2 hours to make sure.
Ever since then the two have been a couple. They make the long distance work between Skype and weekend trips. Honestly the only thing that had changed was now their relationship just involves more kissing and other fun things.
Steve still confines in Bucky most of his darkest thoughts, the thoughts that seem to come when he can’t fall asleep and is over thinking again. But Bucky just listens and tells Steve that his feelings are valid and deserve to be felt, and as much as Steve hates it Bucky repeats the mantra of it will get better, and when they are out of college they will move to the west and raise dogs and have a farm.
Steve likes to think about that future, the domestic life he and Bucky can have somewhere on lots of land when they get to relax and pet their dogs and drink wine and not have a care in the world. Most of the time Steve just doesn’t know how they- more specifically he- is going to get there.
The future, among other things, is one of Steve’s greatest stressors, along with his social anxiety and frankly fucked up family life. But he doesn’t talk about that.
There had been therapy before, for grief when he was younger. Then he went again in his teens when he was suicidal and the high school counselor made him see a professional. Sometimes he brings those times up to Bucky. Those were the times that Steve feels like he hit rock bottom.
Constantly faking a smile and hiding his fucked up mind from his friends. Those thoughts have gotten better with time, he’s strong enough. He had to grow up fending for himself, considering his lack of parenting.
But Steve didn't like to think about that.
Bucky tried to get him to talk about it, knowing it was coming up to Steve’s most hated day. Steve told people he had hated Valentine's Day because it was just another way of corporate America making money or something about the greeting card company being greedy. Usually people took it as face value and accepted that they didn’t need to get Steve anything for that holiday.
Clint and Bucky knew better. They knew the real reason Steve gets so quiet at the beginning of February, why he isolates himself and looks more exhausted than usual. Clint being more resourceful than Bucky, knew why Steve did this since they meet freshman year. Bucky kinda had the realization thrust upon him.
It was their senior year of high school and Steve had skipped out on school and their Friday practice, this was a Steve Rogers no no. One time he had gone to practice while he had bronchitis and hadn’t even told the coach. So the fact that Rogers was out was alarming to his best friend.
“Barton have you heard from Steve recently?” Bucky asked half winded over his water bottle. “It’s not like him to skip school and practice.”
“Well he picked the best damn day to skip” Clint said between trying to gasp for air. They had just done sprints for the past 20 minutes because someone didn’t clean up the equipment properly after the last practice.
Bucky crinkled his nose at Clint’s unknowing of Steve’s where abouts. He tried to think back about all the years he had known Steve and if there was a pattern. But then again Bucky was never really that observant, or could remember that far back. God he had a shit memory.
Once practice was finished Bucky waved bye to his friends and declined their offer to go to Wendy’s, he lied and said he was tired. But he was going to see what the hell was happening with Steve. He had ignored all of Bucky’s texts that day and didn’t have a presence on any form of social media. Bucky couldn’t lie that he was worried.
Bucky pulled up to the Steve’s home and saw his hunk of junk 2003 Outlander parked in the driveway. He assumed that it was a good sign he was at home and made his way to the front door. The door was locked which was unusual for Steve when he was home. But Bucky just went through the bushes to where they kept a key hidden under a ladybug rock.
Steve had said the last owners left it there so it was a convenient spot to hid the key. Bucky never really questioned it.
The house was quiet when Bucky opened the door, this put him on edge right away because Steve hated the silence. He needed a background noise no matter what he didn’t like the feeling of being that alone.
“Steve?” Bucky called before making his way upstairs to Steve’s room.
There was no response but Bucky could hear the headboard of Steve’s bed hit the wall as he moved around in room, so he definitely was home. “Steve” Bucky called again once he was up the stairs and closer to the bedroom. But Steve still refused to answer.
The lack of response was starting to piss Bucky off, obviously Steve was home and in his room why the hell was he not acknowledging his best friend. What the hell did he have to hide.
“Steven Grant Rogers, why the hell did you miss out on my beautiful face all day today” Bucky had the door half open before Steve pushed it shut. Bucky let out a surprised oof and looked at the shut door dumbfounded. “Rogers.. What the hell?” did he really just slam the door in his face.
“Buck go away” Steve tried, his voice sounded wet and tired not sharp or demanding as he had intended.
Bucky immediately softened at the sadness in his best friend’s voice, and then moved on to panic. Why was Steve so sad, he knocked lightly at the door trying to coax Steve out. “Com’on Steve ya know you can’t go too long without your best friend.”
A strangled noise came from the other side of the door and what sounded like the beginning chords of a Coldplay song. If Bucky wasn’t mistaken it was Warning Sign, which is a very depressing song even for Steve’s likings.
Things were starting to make a bit of sense, but Bucky was still missing pieces of the puzzle. He settled down with his back to the door and let out a loud sigh, for effect. “Well Steve, I’ll be here on the other side of the door till you’re ready to tell me what the hell is going on.”
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours before Bucky’s stomach started to growl. It was well past 8 o'clock and he hadn’t had anything to eat since his pre practice protein bar at 2. He sent Clint a quick text ‘get an x-large of Steve’s fav pizza and bring it over ASAP’ . Not even 4 minutes later Clint shot back ‘ aye aye sargent’ .
“Clint is bringing pizza” Bucky said to the closed door, it felt like more to himself but he felt Steve thump on the other side of the door.
A half hour later the front door swings open followed by an excited bark. Apparently Clint had decided along with pizza he needed to bring Lucky. Bucky had told him what he knew over text, apparently this was worse than he originally thought if Clint felt the need to bring Lucky.
Bucky got up to great Clint and he just nodded and put his finger to his lips to indicate not to say anything and that he got this covered. Clint knocked on the door three times before offering “hey Steve-o it’s me and Lucky, we got you some pizza, with extra mushrooms and spinach just like Sarah liked.” Clint waited a beat for Steve to open the door but nothing came from it “aw come on you know your Ma wouldn’t have wanted you to starve.” With that Steve reluctantly opened the door and everything clicked for Bucky.
Steve looked exhausted and like had been crying for the past 8 hours (which he had). Bucky muttered a quiet ‘fuck’ as Steve emerged and Lucky excitedly came up to him to be pet. Steve obliged and focused all his energy on petting the golden retriever and not making eye contact with his friends.
Clint looked over at Bucky and raised an eyebrow to ask ‘did you not know?’ Bucky just shock his head feeling like a jackass.
Steve continued to not make eye contact but Clint smiled at him anyway as they made their way downstairs to eat the pizza. Steve was silent and distant as Bucky and Clint has nonsense conversations about baseball and girls.
The two only stayed for about an hour before deciding to leave Steve to his own devices again.
Clint was out the door first following after lucky as he bolted after something. Bucky laughed a little and looked back up at Steve seated on the stairs. He wanted to say something but didn't know how. So he just gave his friend a tight lipped smile and reached for the door knob.
“Thanks Buck” Steve said quietly as if he didn't want to be heard. He sounded like he was close to tears again.
Bucky looked up at Steve and gave him a warm smile this time, “hey I said till the end of the line didn't I pal? That means this and all your other bullshit” his joke fell flat. “Maybe sometime you can tell me all about your Ma” Bucky was out the door before he could see Steve's reaction to his words.
That was two years ago and Bucky still has much to hear about Sarah Rogers. Steve dances around the subject sometimes when something reminds him of her. Apple pie mostly. But then he gets a close-to-crying look and shuts himself off for a couple minutes to try not to cry.
Bucky has tried to reassure him that now that they are dating, Steve can cry in front of him, but he still refuses. The boy is just too stubborn to let himself be weak in front of people.
The anniversary was coming up fast and Steve still hadn't said anything to his boyfriend about it. Bucky didn’t know if Steve wanted him there or not, or if he just wanted to wallow in his own sadness alone, which is what he would normally do.
Bucky decided the good boyfriend move would be to surprise Steve and bring him some girl scout cookies to lift his spirits. Steve was a sucker for thin mints.
-
Steve looked at the calendar and buried his face into his hands. He didn't want to except that today was the day. February 13th.
This year was exceptionally sad because it marked the year that Steve has lived longer without his mother than with. That fact just tore Steve up inside, Sarah was his first best friend. She would always be home when he came home from school and ready to patch him up after he got in a tussle with some bullies.
He couldn’t get his mind around that she never got to see him grow up, become a little less awkward looking, join the baseball team, find some real friends, hell even graduate high school. For a while there he wasn’t sure he would.
Steve keeps something from her with him at all times in his wallet. It’s a charm from one of her favorite bracelets, he found it a year after and it was broken beyond repair, but he could save the charm so he did.
There were pictures and little gifts that she gave Steve up until he was nine littering his room as well. But the most prominent was the ladybugs, his extended family seemed to think that was the be all end all gift for Steve as a mourning present. He understood why, there was a little story about them that he learned something along the lines of “if you see a ladybug it’s a deceased love one coming to say hi and that you are not alone.”
Steve honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had seen one, either he had been too caught up in his own mind lately or just didn’t want to notice the signs that usually make him sad.
On the day, he had decided, he wouldn’t do anything, just wallow and mourn and think. He did that every year but this year things kept seeming to come up. So he stress cleaned and did all his homework early and tried to get his life to almost stop just for one day.
He couldn’t make it back home to go visit the cemetery, which was a whole other bag of worms in itself. But he had some sad movies that never failed to make him cry queued up and found the old dog stuffed animal that Sarah had bought for him for Valentine’s day that year.
The dog was old but wasn’t tattered it hardly ever got used except for this day. It seemed to give Steve a sad smile as he settled down on his bed for the day.
Before he could even start the first movie he heard a knock at the door. Bruce, his roommate, was out for the weekend and the only people that ever came over were Bruce’s science friends. So Steve had no fucking idea who was at the door.
He figured they would go away if he didn’t make any movement to get the door but they didn't leave. The person pounded on the door another four times. With an annoyed groan Steve got his ass out of bed and opened the door.
Steve should’ve expected it really, but he was still completely surprised to open the door and see Bucky waiting on the other side. It was almost like 3 years ago when he waited on the other side of the door on the same day.
Bucky continued on smiling at Steve while he basically just gaped at him. “Wh-how when why…” Steve started to stutter as he backed away from the door to let Bucky inside. Bucky just smiled handed Steve the thin mints he brought and placed a kiss on his cheek. Without a word Bucky looked over his shoulder and made his way to Steve’s room.
Still completely stunned Steve closed the front door and followed his boyfriend to his bedroom where he had left the movie abandoned on his laptop and the stuffed dog, Molly, waiting for him. Bucky had already made himself comfortable laying on his side of the bed. He patted the space next to him where he left Molly and the laptop still open.
A reserved smile spread across Steve’s face as he made his way over to the bed. He laid down next to Bucky and put his head in his lap where Bucky immediately started to play with his hair. It relaxed him instantly and Bucky pressed play on the movie.
“We don’t have to talk” Bucky paused to place a light kiss on his temple, “I just didn't want you to be alone.” Steve fought back his tears and focused his attention on the movie.
Steve was quietly crying throughout the movie every now and then, Bucky would hush him and rub his arms to settle him each time. The real kicker came when his text tone went off and it was a message from Clint.
“Hey Steve-o just wanted to let you know that i’m thinkin bout you today. Wish we were getting pizza or hanging out with luck bc i miss our stupidity”
Steve didn’t even get to read the message, once he saw it was from Clint he started to actually cry. The feeling of people caring so much about him during his dark day brought down all his walls as he let the tears fall.
Bucky let go once Steve tried to sit up and struggle out of his embrace. Steve took a deep breath and looked up at Bucky. “Okay, I’m… I think I’m ready. But if you stop me Buck I won’t be able to keep going understood?” Bucky just nodded his head and gave Steve an encouraging smile.
Steve crossed his legs and grabbed Molly so he had something to focus on when he talked, it made it easier. “So my mom, Sarah, the great Sarah Rogers. She was just… amazing, knew everyone, everyone wanted to know her. At her funeral, God Buck, I had never seen that many people to know someone before. She was my first best friend really, I mean yeah Pegs was my first best friend my age, but now me and Peggy don’t even talk anymore. Peggy is the only one that really knew Sarah ya know. It hurts so much that you or Clint or Sam never got to meet her. God Buck she would’ve hated you at first” Steve laughed a little at the mental image. Bucky wasn’t exactly a good influence when they had meet. “But Sarah Rogers didn’t hate someone for long. Bucky you would’ve loved her, she’s the reason I love baseball… She was a great drawer, I don’t know if she took classes or not but god Buck could she draw.”
He got out his phone to pull up pictures he found in an abandon sketch book initial SRogers at the bottom. “I always wanted her to teach me how to draw ya know, but after she was gone… I didn’t want to learn from anybody else. God what else… I don’t know Buck. It’s been ten years. I’m at the age where I have lived longer without her than with her and it just fucking hurts. It still fucking hurts that she’s not here to have seen me graduate or play baseball or date you. God she would’ve loved you, probably more than me sometimes. But that’s okay.
“Ya know I haven’t been to her grave in… God 7 years. I’m scared, I don’t know of what… but I think I need to go. I think I need to go see her and make my peace or something. They didn’t let me go to the burial, I honestly don’t know if that was my decision or not. I’ve just assumed I didn’t want to go because it would be too sad, I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to my best friend. And now I feel guilty for never going, but I was nine years old. She would’ve understood, she would’ve wanted it that way I think. She never did want me coming by the hospital or the hospice too much. I don’t think I ever understood why… until I got there and I didn’t want to look at all the medical stuff she was surrounded in.
“I don’t remember saying goodbye, I think I did, I’m pretty sure I did. I know we were there maybe the 11th or 10th, the exact day is hazy. But I was in the lobby making a giant Valentine’s day card for her, I even glued little sweet tarts to the paper to make it extra special. Her face lit up when she saw it though, I was so excited that she loved it. I don’t remember if she said anything or if she could talk, she just looked so tired. All the adults knew it was time, and they were just fluffing around it for my sake. That’s what happened a lot of the time once she had gotten el Cancer. No one talked about it directly to me, just that my mom was sick. She fought for seven years, she was so strong and hell I don’t even think I knew for most of the years. Which may have been for the better, honestly I’m still not sure. I just know that it hurts,” he shrugged his shoulders, “but it’ll always hurt. Losing a parent and a best friend is hard and I was so young. But I still miss her every damn day, even if I can never actually talk about it I miss her so damn much.”
After all that Steve basically collapsed into Bucky’s arms, he was slightly crying but clinging to his boyfriend. Bucky hugged him tight and rubbed circles on his back, he couldn’t say anything to make it better all he could do was be here and comfort Steve in his time of need.
Steve cried in Bucky’s arms for about 20 minutes before pulling himself together and giving Bucky a kiss, slightly salty from the tears. “Com’on pal let's watch the Lion King to get you in a better mood.”
The Lion King was a fan favorite of Steve and Sarah, Bucky knew this but he also knew that it unfailingly always made Steve smile. It was a good compromise, Sarah was still on his mind but in a happy way. Of course when Mufasa died there were some tears, but that was to be expected and Bucky was more than happy to be the bearer of Steve’s tears.
Bucky made them breakfast for dinner and put extra mushrooms in Steve’s omelette. Steve didn’t say much after his big confession but that was okay Bucky told him about some friends’ dogs and about the movies he had seen recently. Nothing too heavy just enough to keep a smile on Steve’s face as his dark day faded into night.
The night brought more tears, more forceful and no words. Bucky continued to hold Steve until he was too tired to cry any more and fell asleep in his arms.
But he didn’t complain just listened to Steve breathe and silently thanked Sarah Rogers for bringing Steve into his life, even the mess he is Bucky wouldn’t have it any other way.