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Edward thinks it must’ve started the summer he and Harry were eight, and in their own backyard, covered in dirt and clad in their mum’s once clean, drying laundry.
Harry had a grass-stained sheet tied around his neck, acting as a cape, and had gotten Edward to put on one of their mum’s dresses, telling him that he was the princess. Edward argued at first, but when Harry promised him he’d give Edward his dessert if he did it, Edward was suddenly Harry’s damsel in distress.
When Knight Harry had saved Princess Edward from the dragon that had been keeping Princess Edward locked up, he grinned, proud of himself for defeating the dragon. Really, it was just their neighbour’s golden retriever, which licked Harry whenever he got too close. Too nice of a dragon, Harry decided, and took his princess back. He held Edward close, and planted a sloppy kiss to his brother’s cheek, which only caused Edward to push him off.
“No kissing!” Edward squealed, making a show of wiping his cheek. Harry giggled at him, taking his hand. “Come on, Princess! We have to get back to my kingdom!”
“If you’re a knight, the kingdom isn’t yours!” Edward argued, and Harry only pouted at him.
Once they were in the tree that Harry claimed as his kingdom, he again took Edward’s hand. “I want to marry you someday, Ed,” Harry said in a quiet voice, as if others could hear, and Edward knew he wasn’t the princess anymore. He was just Edward, and Harry was just Harry. But before he had a chance to really react, their mother’s voice called them.
Harry’s expression turned dark. “She sounds mad…”
“Harold and Edward Styles, you get down here right now!”
The boys had ended up getting grounded for a week for ruining their mum’s sheets and dress. ‘Grounded’ really meant that they were separated as often as Anne could manage, and that was the worst punishment either of them could imagine.
Yes, that’s when it started. But the day Edward realised that the love he felt for his twin brother wasn’t normal was the day Harry had rushed home from football practise, bright-eyed. They were fifteen by then, and Edward refrained from sports and clubs, preferring to get his homework done early and enjoy the rest of his day, while Harry was a social butterfly, known for his spot on the school’s football team.
“Ed, Ed, guess what?” Harry prompted excitedly, sitting down on the bottom bunk that belonged to his brother. Edward turned to his brother, taking in his glowing appearance. “Hm?”
But before even hearing Edward’s answer, Harry was blabbing. “You know Louis, right? Louis Tomlinson?”
Of course Edward knew Louis Tomlinson. You’d have to be deaf and blind to not know who Louis Tomlinson, captain of the football team, and the school’s shiniest sports star.
“We were leaving practise, and he stopped me, and he, oh gosh, Ed,”
Harry’s cheeks were pink, and Edward’s eyebrows were furrowed, listening carefully to his brother gush about the captain.
“He asked me out, Ed!”
Edward’s heart had either dropped to his stomach, or had somehow lodged into his throat. He opened his mouth a few times to speak, but nothing came out. He turned back to his homework, muttering a “That’s great, Haz, I’m really busy, though.” Harry didn’t mind too much, quickly apologizing for interrupting, and leaving the room.
Edward couldn’t finish his homework that night, and spent the rest of his night trying not to cry, or scream, or whatever his body was trying to do. Harry was his, and he was Harry’s. Louis wasn’t welcome, and Edward had no idea how to let his brother know that. So he didn’t. Instead, he bottled it up until the night of the date, closing the door after his brother and excusing himself to their shared room. He collapsed on his bunk, and immediately started to sob, finally getting enough time to cry to himself.
By the time Harry returned, Edward was swaddled in thick blankets, half asleep. At the sight of Harry coming into their room, Edward closed his eyes and pretended he was fast asleep. Harry had wanted to tell his brother all about what happened, and how Louis kissed him goodnight, but instead he carefully removed his brother’s glasses and set them on the table. Gently, Harry pressed a kiss into his brother’s mess of curls, and whispered “Night, Ed,” before changing and climbing into his own bunk.
That was the night Edward realised he was in love with his twin brother.
Only a few weeks remained of Harry and Edward’s nineteenth summer, and they were expected to go to university by the time autumn hit. Edward had excitedly revealed to his family the manila envelope that had come in the post, bearing his name. Inside was the letter, confirming that Edward had been accepted into Oxford University.
“Oh, love, that’s great!” Anne had exclaimed, standing to plant a kiss on Edward’s cheek. Hugs went all around the room, and Anne cooked Edward’s favourite meal for dinner as a celebration.
The day Harry had told his family about being accepted into the university of his choice, they weren’t as pleased as Harry obviously was. They had known that Harry wanted to attend Louis’ university, which was Sussex University, but still so far. Edward paled immediately when he realised what this meant- he was going to b separated from Harry. He pressed his lips together and tried not to express his terror and pain. Harry, being his other half for the past nineteen years, didn’t fall for Edward’s mask. Anne made Harry his favourite meal as well, but Harry suspected it was only to make the boys fair, rather than to really celebrate Harry getting into Sussex.
That night, nearly twenty minutes after Edward had flicked the lights off, Harry spoke up.
“Ed, are you afraid?”
Edward was quiet, before mumbling a “what?” and rolling over. Harry let out a sigh before answering. “Of being apart. I know they’re only two hours apart, but we’re not going to be able to see each other that often,”
Edward had almost recovered enough from the harsh news enough to sleep, but Harry had ripped that wound open again, and he was sure his metaphorical blood would stain his sheets. He made a mental note to get new bedsheets for university. These ones reeked of Harry, and more-so, the memories of the nights they’d slept curled up together on Edward’s bunk.
“Yeah,” He admitted, knowing Harry wouldn’t believe him if he answered differently. “Fucking terrified,”
Harry was quiet before sniffling, and for a moment, Edward feared Harry was crying. “I couldn’t get into Oxford even if I tried,”
It wasn’t true. That was Harry’s problem- he didn’t try to get into Oxford. Edward was sure Harry could make it if he really, truly wanted to. But he didn’t. He wanted to be with Louis.
“I’m sorry, Ed,” Harry choked out, and Edward’s doubt vanished. Harry was crying. That wasn’t right; Edward was supposed to be the one crying, not Harry. Harry was supposed to be thrilled, and completely excited to leave his brother behind for his boyfriend of four years.
“Hey,” Edward propped himself up onto his elbows, and blinked sleepily. “C’mere,” He offered, scooting over on his mattress to make room for Harry, who climbed down from his own bed, and into his brother’s.
Edward relaxed into his pillow again, wrapping an arm around Harry and holding him tightly. It felt right, and it felt normal, yet it made Edward’s stomach do flips, and his chest grow warm. “Don’t cry, baby,” He soothed, and Harry swallowed, sniffling one last time before calming his shushed sobs.
“I’m just so scared, Ed,” He said quietly, and Edward realised in that moment that his brother might just love him as much as he loved Harry. “I don’t want to leave you,”
Edward blinked back tears, and nuzzled his nose further into his brother’s curls, willing the lump in his throat to go down. It was silent for a few minutes, and Edward was sure Harry had fallen asleep. He let out a breath, and tried to fall asleep as well, but then Harry looked up at him.
“Haz-” Edward started, but was interrupted by Harry’s lips crushing his own. The kiss didn’t last long- barely long enough for Edward to register that Harry was kissing him.
“I’m sorry,” Harry apologised again, and Edward only stared at his brother, his face only lit by the moonlight that had snuck it’s way through their curtains.
“You kissed me,” Edward whispered, as if to confirm what had just happened. Harry’s cheeks burned against Edward’s bicep, which was resting under Harry’s head.
It was their first real kiss- sure, they’d kissed on the lips before, but they were five years old then, and posing for photos that their mum had used in her precious scrapbook. Other than that, their kisses had been on cheeks, foreheads, and hair, and the last time it had happened was the night Harry returned from his date with Louis and found Edward supposedly asleep.
Edward wasn’t sure how to feel. He wanted to cry, and he wanted to cling to Harry and never leave the bed they were tangled in together. He was about to lose his brother, best friend, and the only person he’d ever loved. So he cried, and his tears fell into Harry’s hair, which he was sure probably felt pretty gross, but he couldn’t care. He tried to keep his sobs quiet, and Harry held him tightly, his turn to shush him. Edward stayed curled against his brother, and Harry kept his hold on Edward’s waist tight.
They fell asleep like that, cuddled so close together that they felt they’d become one person. And Edward wished that he and Harry could be one person; he wished he could make Harry a part of him, and have Harry never, ever leave, or he wish he was a part of Harry, and Harry could never abandon him.
Weeks after, only ten days remained before Edward and Harry were to leave home. Everything was packed, and furniture had been purchased. Edward was sure to pick out new bedsheets, much to Anne’s confusion, but she didn’t mind. Lately, Edward had been growing more and more sickly. He had paled considerably, and had lost weight from refusing to eat so often. Four pounds exactly; Edward had paid attention. The anticipation of leaving Harry was literally killing him, but he could do nothing but cry about it when he was alone.
Nine days left, and Edward spent every minute he could with Harry. He curled up next to Harry on the couch and watched the TV, but his mind was on his brother, warm and solid against his weakening body. The time seemed wasted to outsiders, but to Edward, they were among the most precious moments he could ever remember. Their quiet moments together were only interrupted when Harry got a phone call, and of course, it was Louis.
Eight days left, and Edward spent a lot of it in their empty room, thinking about how much he was going to miss sharing a room with Harry. Sure, Harry was messier than him, and Harry left crumbs on his bed, and Harry forgot to close the curtains at night, and moved a lot in his sleep, but Edward didn’t mind. Not when the entire room smelled of Harry, and the way Harry used to lean over the edge of his bed and grin at Edward when they were kids, and the way he and Harry had built endless forts in that room, often past their bedtime. They had to stay close and whisper to avoid getting caught playing with their plastic toys under sheets, content with being each other’s little secret.
Exactly a week remained, and Harry lost one of his contact lenses. He was forced to wear his glasses, which had been collecting dust, while new contacts were ordered. Now Harry looked even that much more like Edward, and Edward like Harry.
Six days left, and Harry got a phonecall from Louis, telling him that he would be at the school three days early, and Harry was welcome to join him. Harry agreed, and was scheduled to leave three days earlier than Edward could handle.
Three days remained of his time before Harry left, and Harry finally said something about it. “I can’t get into Oxford, but you could get into Sussex,”
It was dangerous, how much Edward was considering it. Five days wasn’t enough time to change his mind, but Edward was sure it could happen if he really tried to make it happen.
“I’m not forcing you to choose between me and an education, Ed,” Harry said, but he was. He was forcing Edward to choose between his other half, and a school. Harry seemed to be the obvious choice, but Harry interjected with, “You’re going to Oxford,”
The decision was final, and Sussex wasn’t an option for Edward.
Two days left, Harry’s contacts came in, and Edward cried in Harry’s arms for thirty-two minutes.
He had lost another two pounds, and there were knots in his hair. He was sure he was dying, and Harry hadn’t even left yet.
Who knew going to university would be so painful? Edward asked himself, climbing into the car after Harry, who was buckling himself into the backseat. It was time for Harry to go, and sometime in the next few hours, Edward would be alone. Anne and Robin knew what was happening to Edward, but they really didn’t know what to say. They couldn’t do anything but let it play itself out, no matter how sick Edward was making himself. They had nearly four hours to Sussex, and Edward held Harry’s hand the entire way. When they stopped for food, Edward declined, and had a water instead, settling on watching Harry eat.
Edward rested his head on his brother’s shoulder, exhausted. He hadn’t done much lately, but then again, he wasn’t exactly sleeping the easiest knowing that it was his last time sleeping with his brother by his side.
Too soon for Edward, they arrived. Harry was standing outside of the car now, and Edward watched from the open car door. Anne and Robin drowned Harry in hugs, kisses, reminders, and ‘I love you’s. Edward climbed out of the car as Anne and Robin returned to it. He held Harry tightly, his hands shaking.
“I’m gonna miss you, baby,” He said, his voice shaking with unshed tears. “I know,” Harry whispered, hugging him back just as tightly. They stayed like that for a good minute, Edward choking to hold his tears in, struggling to not fall apart completely in Harry’s arms.
“Harry!” A voice called, and Edward looked up over Harry’s shoulder. Rushing towards them was Louis; of course. Harry looked up excitedly, flashing a quick, teary-eyed smile at Louis. He hugged Edward tightly again, before letting go, and stepping back slowly, feeling as if he was again splitting he and Edward back into two separate people.
Edward stared at his twin, whose eyes were as wet as his own.
“Bye, Haz,”
Harry looked as broken as Edward felt, only for a split second.
“Bye, Ed,”
That really was it. Edward suddenly found himself in the backseat, the smell of Harry still lingering on his clothes. He cried, not caring what his mum and dad thought. They ached for him, but still had nothing they could say that could possibly make him feel better.
It had only been ten minutes, but Edward felt like it had been hours already.
Edward’s phone rang, and he pulled it out, only to see Harry’s picture and name on the screen. Confused, he answered, with a weak, broken “Hello?”
“I miss you,”
For the first time in weeks, Edward smiled.