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Normally, the Pairing Ceremony would be a day of celebration for Jean. Although personally he didn't put too much stock on it, he liked to see the others happy...even if he didn't act like it. This year was completely different. This year Marco Bodt was turning 15 and Jean was still 14.
Even the year before, Jean hadn't thought about it. Never thought that another year could possibly pass so fast. Not that the Pairing Ceremony was the ending for him and Marco. Just because Marco would get to know who he was Paired with for the rest of his life didn't mean their friendship would have to end- or even really change.
And yet, it still bothered him. It grated at the back of mind, always an unpleasant buzzing reminding him that it was one day closer. Jean chose to ignore it- like he did so many other things he didn't have an answer for or just didn't want to face the answer he knew was true.
Occasionally, Marco would mention the Pairing Ceremony but Jean's eyes would darken over and Marco would quickly change the subject when Jean's answers were reduced to grunts. Jean wanted to desperately tell Marco why suddenly he didn't want to gossip about who his Pair might be...but he just couldn't. Jean tried to brush it off but they both knew something was off.
The night before the Pairing, Jean couldn't sleep. Half because he was worried about the ceremony the next day but mostly because he and Marco had parted after having a petty spat. Jean had let his rotten attitude about the next day get to him and he had lashed out at Marco. Jean had regretted it the second the hurtful words had escaped his mouth. Marco had tried to brush it off, but Jean knew he had really hurt his friend's feels and it made his insides burn with shame at the memory of it.
Jean snuck out of his bedroom window and wondered the streets aimlessly. His body took him to the field that he often spent lazy afternoons with Marco.
Jean didn't say a word as he sat down next to the reclined figure of his best friend. Even though it had been unconscious, something had told him he would find Marco in the field waiting for him. Something deep in his bones- an unnamable force. At first, it had given Jean fierce pride, now all it did was cause him to have a sharp pain that made his heart ache. How is it we can communicate without saying a word? Isn't that what a Pair should be about? An unspoken, unbreakable bond?
Because Jean knew, without a doubt, that even though they were made for each other, he and Marco wouldn't be Paired. How could they? Marco could have anyone he wanted. Sure, it was all up to the promise of the Lady Rose but how could someone as kind and giving as Marco go Paired with him? Or Unpaired, for that matter.
How could Jean wish with every fiber of his being hope for their Pairing and then in the same breath pray that his best friend would go home alone after the ceremony? Jean felt like the worse person possible but it didn't stop how he felt. He had been feeling it for so long it was now a part of him.
They stayed next to each other in the field, not saying a word to each other. Eventually, Jean laid down too and used his right hand as a pillow. Looking up at the night sky, with all the stars and the moon, Jean wondered about the mysteries of life. He tried to compromise. Just keep him Unpaired for a year..no, two years. With a start, Jean remembered he would face his own Pairing Ceremony in less than two years.
I'll make you a deal. Keep Marco Unpaired and me as well. We can be outcasts and never have a Pair. That would be all right. Not perfect, but all right. Please hear me Lady Rose. Please. I'll never ask for anything else.
Marco's hand reached out and found Jean's left one. Their hands rested on each other and they continued to look up at the star dotted sky. There was comfort in the simple touch and Jean tried to fight the urge to sob.
"I'm scared, Jean."
Jean wanted to answer. Except his throat was thick and if he tried to say anything it would sound strained...and then Marco would know just how much it was affecting him. Jean squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could. His entire face contorted in the effort to keep his emotions in check.
All Jean could do was move his thumb in a circle on Marco's hand; trying to calm him through touch. Marco said no more. Eventually Jean was composed enough to answer without his voice sounding completely defeated.
"It's okay to be scared." I'm scared too. So incredibly scared.
"But I think that I might be scared for the wrong reason." Marco's voice sounded tiny and it broke on the last word. Jean never moved his eyes from the night sky. He tried to channel all the comfort he could from every pore of his body in a wave to Marco.
Jean licked the top of his mouth. His tongue was heavy in his mouth and it tasted like he had eaten sand. "Can I tell you something?"
Jean didn't wait for Marco's answer. "I'm scared for all the wrong reasons too."
"I just want you to know-" Marco's voice broke again and this time Jean could hear the tears behind it. They were unshed tears but that didn't make them any less there...any less important.
There was more to say. More than an entire night's worth of words that needed to be said, conveyed to the other person. But what did it matter? What would be, would be.
It hurt, Jean's chest twisted and it crushed his insides...and that was the way it had to be.
Words mattered little and would only cause more pain. So they both laid beside each other, silent until the first rays of day broke over the horizon. Before the night had a chance to fully turn to day, Jean leaned on his side and pressed a hard kiss to Marco's temple.
Marco pressed his head into the touch.
Jean fidgeted outside the cathedral. He had been unable to follow Marco inside. He was afraid that he would scream and lash out at whoever Marco was Paired with. Jean paced outside, nervous energy radiating off of him.
He was sure he would feel the moment that Marco was Paired with someone that wasn't him. But when everyone filed out of the cathedral, Jean had felt nothing. There had been a shift in the axis of the earth- his heart hadn't stopped beating.
Jean watched the flow of people, intent on finding only one person in the crowd. Jean finally caught sight of Marco and his heart jumped into his throat. There were black bags under Marco's eyes but there was smile spread over his face. Jean didn't need to ask the question because he already knew the answer.
Marco had been proclaimed Unpaired.
Jean tried not to smile too wide. People would talk if he seemed too happy that his friend didn't have a Pair. It was something to be sad about. Another year without the person you would spend your life with. Still, when Marco's freckled face was stretched out into an impossibly wide grin, Jean found it hard not to want to follow suit.
Jean slipped away and went to their field to wait. He hid in the tall grass, so no one else could find him. Marco didn't need to see where Jean was to find him. Like so many things, they just knew.
When it came to one another, they always just knew.
Marco laid down beside him and like the night before they shared no words before hands sought each other out. Fingers interlaced and Jean released a long sigh.
Unlike last time, Jean wasn't satisfied with the simple touch. After Marco was left Unpaired, there was a feeling building up in Jean that wouldn't be satisfied with just handholding.
He pulled Marco's hand close and the freckled face turned to face Jean's strained one. Marco's eyes were bright, although after years together, Jean knew that Marco was worried.
Because next year was Jean's own Pairing Ceremony. What would happen if Jean was giving his mate while Marco still remained alone? Jean wanted to swear that he would run away with Marco. Hide anywhere they could and not give in to what the Lady Rose demanded from every human within the walls on their 15th birthday.
Marco pulled Jean close and pressed his lips to Jean's own chapped ones. There wasn't anything in the law that said they couldn't be with a person that the Lady Rose had declared for them but that was only before the ceremony. Many chose not to bother with someone they could never be with after the ceremony. What did it matter when fate was out of their hands?
Still that didn't stop Marco from pressing his body closer until they slotted together. Desperate kisses wetted by tears. Even after they parted, no words were spoken about it. The kiss would be their secret.
The next year flew by faster than the one before. If Marco and Jean had been inseparable before they were joined at the hip now. One was never seen without the other close behind. There was some gossip but they ignored it. Tongues loved to wag and if it wasn't them it would just be some other poor souls.
All too soon it was Jean who had sweaty palms as he stood before the statue ready to recite the sacred words to the Lady Rose. Before he had entered the cathedral, Marco had given him a forced smile. Marco sat in the pews with everyone else, but it was only Marco's eyes that Jean could feel on his back as the basin of water cleared and his reflection was slowly replaced with the face of the person he would spend the rest of his life with.
It was the freckles that Jean first saw. Shit! Don't tell me that my Pair is Ymir!
Except the features started to become clear from the hazy and Jean was looking at a face he knew all too well. So well, he almost knew it better than his own.
"Jean Kirschstein Paired with Marco Bodt."
Even though he heard the words it didn't register. All Jean could do was stare at the smiling face of his best friend in the mirror. When everyone erupted into loud cheers, Jean finally turned around, brought back to reality.
Jean spotted Marco next to Reiner and Bertholdt. Marco's entire face was red and when Marco caught sight of Jean his face broke out into the first genuine smile he had seen in a long time. Jean's face blushed in exaltation as he ran towards the man he would spend the rest of his life with.
"I can't believe he got Marco." Eren commented to no one in particular.
Whatever else the brat had to say, Jean ignored it. All he did was grunt to Eren's rude comment. Nothing could spoil his happiness at that moment. Nothing. Not even Eren Yeager.
Marco looked at Jean nervously for a moment. As much as he had wished for it to happen, he had never dreamed that it actually would become reality. Now that it was there, he was beyond words. Marco pulled him into a tight embrace that left Jean breathless.
"I knew it was you. How could it be anyone else?" Marco whispered in Jean's ear, a secret for no one else to hear.
Jean wanted to kiss every freckle on that adorable face. Except, if he started, Jean wasn't sure he would be able to stop. Although they had to pull apart to sit down, Jean sat as close to Marco as the could without actually sitting in his lap . Their sides were pressed hard against each other and Jean could feel every curve of Marco's body pressing against him. It made his heart pound with anticipation. I finally get to explore every part of him, discovery every freckle.
Neither of them heard a single word of the rest of the ceremony too wrapped up in their own thoughts. Thoughts of getting home and their lives finally beginning. Jean knew he looked like a blissful idiot and whenever he caught Marco's eye, the freckled cheeks would turn pink and Jean would only smile wider.
When they were finally dismissed, he pulled Marco into another embrace before grabbing his hand and then dragging the taller boy out of the cathedral.
They could go home now- to their home. A home they could now build together. It was like a dream and as they made their way through the winding path back to Jean's home, everything was just a blur of color and sounds around him.
As soon as the door was shut, Jean held Marco up against the wall and kissed him. It was soft and tender. There was no reason to hid their affection anymore. No more reason to lie behind the veil of uncertainty that had been the future.
"I love you." Jean mumbled against Marco's mouth. "I thought I was going to die if it wasn't you."
"I love you too." Marco pressed back as tears shimmered under his eyelids. "I tried so hard to be happy, no matter what happened...but I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been Paired with you."
"I know."
And Jean pulled Marco in for another passionate kiss with years of pent up love conveyed in every touch.