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It irked Dazai to admit this, but Kunikida’s marriage affected him more than he ever anticipated it to.
When Kunikida announced the news, blushing and stuttering nervously, Dazai had been the first to laugh and pat the bespectacled man’s back in congratulations. But his mind reeled, which was strange. He knew that Kunikida had been seeing Enomoto Haruko for years, so this shouldn’t have surprised him.
Later that evening, when he was staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, unable to sleep, the reason for the unexpected impact occurred to him: it was the realization that everyone around him were changing.
Kunikida was getting married. Kenji had grown taller than Dazai and was no longer the gullible country boy he once was. Kyouka had become a beautiful girl with Kouyou’s deadly elegance and Fukuzawa’s strict discipline, capable of smiling and laughing like normal girls thanks to Atsushi’s influence, but also capable of slicing people to ribbons should the need come. Atsushi was no longer the nervous boy with self-esteem issues that Dazai first met, because he was now capable of guiding the Agency’s new recruits.
Everyone was changing, but not Dazai. He was still the trashy unmotivated social misfit who kept everyone away because he was scared of being rejected, who smiled to hide the hollow darkness inside him, who wanted to die but was scared of pain, who was never understood by anyone.
No, there had been one person who understood him.
Chuuya had understood Dazai more than Dazai allowed him to know. Even if Chuuya couldn’t figure out Dazai’s intentions most of the time, he was usually able to read Dazai’s plans and cooperate accordingly. Even if he didn’t know the reason for them, Chuuya was always able to notice the changes in Dazai’s mood and was always able to make him feel better. Dazai didn’t know what to feel about this, because on one hand, it was nice to have someone who understood him, but on the other hand, it made Dazai want to rely on his partner – no, ex-partner – which went against all of his principles.
But that was all in the past. No matter how much he missed being Double Black, it was pointless if the other half of it didn’t care.
Then what about the future? Would Dazai remain like this, alone, for the rest of his days? Maybe that would be for the best, because at least he wouldn’t cause anyone any pain when he left, but it would be so… lonely.
Would Chuuya miss him? Had Chuuya changed in the past years?
It was probably this question that made Dazai ask Kunikida to invite Chuuya to the wedding banquet. There was no guarantee that Chuuya would come, but that didn’t stop Dazai from preparing for the occasion. The ridiculously white three-piece suit he got when he was first admitted into the Agency still fit him, thank god. He also arranged for the best wine he could find to be served specifically to Chuuya in the banquet, among all things.
But no amount of preparation could prepare Dazai for the actual sight of Chuuya sitting alone at a table in the banquet hall.
The burgundy suit Chuuya was wearing complimented his hair really nicely. His hair was still as red as leaves in autumn, falling over his left shoulder in loose curls. His eyes were still as sharp and cold as ice. He still glared at Dazai with much heat in his eyes, proven when Dazai took the seat next to him with a smile.
“Nice to see you here, Chuuya.”
Dazai sincerely hoped that no article of his clothing was out of place as Chuuya’s eyes narrowed on him. “Why are you here?” spat the redhead.
Dazai raised his brow in amusement. “My partner is getting married. Why wouldn’t I be here?”
Chuuya averted his eyes with a click of his tongue, annoyed. The very brief look of hurt that passed over his face didn’t go unnoticed by Dazai’s eyes. What had caused it?
Was it Dazai calling Kunikida his partner?
Dazai pushed down the rising hope in his chest, because that was impossible. It had been years, surely Chuuya no longer cared about Dazai finding a new partner.
(But he couldn’t kill the hope that maybe, just maybe, Chuuya still cared.)
“Go sit somewhere else, tacky bastard,” Chuuya grumbled.
“Nah, don’t feel like moving.”
“Fine, I’ll move.”
Dazai followed Chuuya without thinking and quickly took the seat next to his ex-partner again. Amusement curled the corners of Dazai’s lips when he saw Chuuya’s rising annoyance. At least Chuuya hadn’t changed since the last time Dazai saw him.
“I see you still have no taste in hats,” Dazai began, smile widening at the look on Chuuya’s face, “though it’s nice to see that you at least have the decency to not wear black to a wedding. Burgundy compliments your hair really well, by the way. Where’d you get the suit?”
Chuuya groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why did you move here?”
Dazai shrugged and quickly came up with an excuse. “It was cold at that table.” He almost cringed, because that was the most ridiculous excuse he had ever come up with.
Chuuya clearly didn’t believe him. “I don’t remember that ever bothering you before.”
“Time passes. People change.” Not Dazai, though. But Chuuya didn’t need to know that.
The look of hurt passed over Chuuya’s face again, but Dazai didn’t get to dwell on it because Chuuya made to leave at that moment. Dazai hastily grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Don’t move around the tables, Chuuya. You’ll give the organizers a headache.”
“Then stop following me around.”
“We haven’t seen each other in ages. Do you really need to be so hostile?” Dazai didn’t mean to sound desperate, but it came out that way. Let’s hope Chuuya didn’t notice.
Chuuya glared, but he retook his seat obediently without further complaints. Dazai couldn’t help the relieved smile that spread on his face.
Silence fell over them. Dazai used the time to study his ex-partner closer. Chuuya was frowning in obvious distaste. Something occurred to Dazai then: Chuuya was quieter than usual that evening. “You’re different tonight,” Dazai commented.
Chuuya glanced at him blankly. “Be specific.”
A waitress came over to give them each a glass of water and ask what they wanted to drink. Chuuya, as expected, asked for wine while Dazai asked for sake. Dazai waited for the waitress to leave, eyes following her departing figure as he silently hoped that they didn’t forget the wine arrangement, before continuing the conversation. “I don’t know. You don’t react explosively to me tonight.”
A pause as Chuuya sipped his water. “I still have the decency to not make a scene at someone’s wedding.”
“Really?” Dazai rested his chin on his palm and his elbow on the table, eyes on his companion. “I don’t think that’s all. You seem kind of melancholic tonight, like something’s plaguing your mind. What’s up?”
Chuuya frowned. Any response he might have given was delayed by Kunikida’s sudden appearance behind them. Dazai was expecting this because he had hidden Kunikida’s notebook earlier in the evening to make sure the bespectacled man wouldn’t get distracted from the wedding, so he wasn’t all that surprised.
Kunikida looked ready to rip Dazai’s head off, but he held himself back. He glanced at Chuuya and curtly greeted him, “Good evening, Nakahara-san. Thank you for attending my wedding banquet.” Then, without waiting for Chuuya’s response, he turned to Dazai and barked out, “Dazai, where did you hide my notebook this time?”
Dazai smiled brightly. “Why are you so sure that I’m the one who did it? Besides, what business could you possibly have with your notebook on your wedding night?”
“I have my schedules in there, you moron! I need to –“
“You hired event organizers for a reason, Kunikida-kun. You’re supposed to put your whole attention on the bride, so stop thinking about your schedules. Now go find Haruko-san and shower her with love or some other gross thing you couples do.”
Dazai watched, satisfied, as Kunikida went red and started sputtering nonsense before stomping off. He wondered, not for the first time, if he was fated to be paired up with people so straightforward they become fun to tease.
Well, riling Kunikida up was fun and all, but nothing could entertain Dazai better than being around Chuuya.
Except now it was kind of awkward between them, because Chuuya was quieter than usual.
Dazai sipped his water and turned to Chuuya again. “So, what’s up?”
“It’s got nothing to do with you,” Chuuya snapped.
Chuuya’s reluctance to answer Dazai’s question only served to make the latter’s curiosity grow. The brunette studied his partner closely, mind quickly going through all the possible reasons for the strange behavior.
The hurt look when Dazai called Kunikida his partner. The same look that came over Chuuya’s face when Dazai said that people change with time.
And then he thought: Could Chuuya be having the same issue as him?
Before Dazai could fully process them, the words had already left his mouth, “Could it be… Did Kunikida-kun’s marriage get you thinking about your future?”
Chuuya’s eyes widened in realization and he turned away. Dazai continued studying him as many different emotions played across Chuuya’s face. From the looks of it, Dazai had figured out the problem before Chuuya did. It gave Dazai no small amount of relief to know that he wasn’t the only one with a dilemma.
Dazai hadn’t changed in the past years. Neither had Chuuya. They were probably the only ones in their respective circles who hadn’t changed. It would only be a matter of time before they seek each other out again, just like old times. Were they bound to be the only constants in each other’s lives, despite having separated years ago?
The waitress returned with their drinks. Dazai thanked her quietly and sipped his sake as Chuuya blinked stupidly at his wine. He watched, a little nervous, as Chuuya brought the glass of wine to his lips and couldn’t help the satisfaction that came with Chuuya’s nod of approval.
Silence fell over them again. Dazai didn’t let it stretch for too long. “Hey, Chuuya,” he began, averting his eyes, “Do you want to go out for a drink tomorrow?”
Chuuya was silent. Dazai willed for him to hurry up and respond. After what felt like ages, Chuuya finally replied, “We’ll see.”
A smile spread on Dazai’s face. It was ridiculous, really, because they were just going out for a drink, but it made Dazai feel giddy for some reason.
They stayed quiet after that, silently drinking and eating after food was served. For some reason, nobody else came to sit at their table. It was awkward, but not entirely unpleasant.
For the first time in ages, they were able to just be around each other without giving everyone else a headache.
This made Dazai happier than he had any right to be, so he drank more than he usually would. He got tipsy about half an hour after they started serving food, which was about time for the dances to start. Chuuya was in no better state, judging from how red he was and how he’d unbuttoned the first button of his shirt.
“You look like a boiled crab, Chuuya.” Dazai giggled.
“Huh?” Chuuya glared, but the heat in his eyes held no real danger. “You’re in no better shape, waste of bandages. Are you wearing those under your suit?”
Dazai smirked. “Wanna find out?”
Chuuya’s face contorted in disgust. “Hell no.”
Dazai laughed. Chuuya just looked at him weirdly, the corners of his lips twitching. Silence again, during which their attention turned to the open space in the middle of the hall. Slow music started filling the air and people began to waltz into the space.
An idea popped into Dazai’s head then. “Chuuya, let’s dance.”
Chuuya stared. “We’re both guys.”
Dazai tilted his head, failing to see why this mattered. “So what?”
More staring. “Guys don’t dance with each other. That’s just weird.”
Dazai sighed and grabbed Chuuya’s wrist. “So what? Since when has Double Black ever cared about what’s weird and what’s not?” And then he pulled Chuuya out of his seat and onto the dancefloor.
If Dazai had been looking at that moment, he would have seen the stunned look on Chuuya’s face, the deepening color of his cheeks, and the way his eyes brightened in poorly hidden joy. But Dazai was hiding his own ridiculous blush so maybe that was for the best.
“You still remember how to dance, don’t you?” Dazai stopped smack in the middle of the dancefloor and turned to Chuuya. “I remember how Kouyou Onee-san made you learn how to when we were younger. It was supposed to help you practice control, I think?”
Chuuya snorted. The color on his cheeks could easily be explained away as the effect of alcohol. “Of course I remember. What about you? Do you even know how to dance?”
“Don’t underestimate me.” Dazai grabbed Chuuya’s right hand with his left and placed his own right hand somewhere under Chuuya’s shoulder blade. “I may not be good at fighting, but I think I’m pretty decent at dancing.”
“Don’t be so sure about that. How do we do the steps anyway? We’ll be stepping on each other’s feet if we both do the man’s part.”
“You’ll just have to do the lady’s part, then.”
“Hell no. Why don’t you do that?”
“Chuuya’s shorter, of course you’re the girl.”
“You’re skinnier, though.”
And they continued bickering, unaware of the attention they were gathering. They might have forgotten that they were standing right in the middle of the dancefloor, that they were supposed to be dancing, that everyone around them were already moving in tandem with the slow music.
“Are you too bad at dancing to do the lady’s part, Petit Mafia?”
“What did you just say, Emo? I’ll show you what I can do!”
Dazai grinned at the angry and determined look on Chuuya’s face as the redhead placed his left hand on Dazai’s shoulder and adjusted the way their hands were joined.
And then they started dancing.
Of course, it was really awkward at first. They stepped on each other’s feet multiple times, much to Dazai’s amusement and Chuuya’s annoyance, but after a while, they got the hang of it and stopped acting like they both had two left feet.
As they somewhat settled into a rhythm, Dazai’s mind strayed again. It had been so long since the last time they were so close together. The last time this happened was probably five years ago, after Chuuya used Corruption to defeat Lovecraft. But the close proximity hadn’t lasted all that long, so maybe that time didn’t count.
Usually, Chuuya didn’t like physical contact and would get exceedingly annoyed when anyone touched him. Back in the Mafia, Dazai hadn’t cared about this and would throw himself all over his partner anyway, despite all the protests thrown at him. But there were times when Chuuya didn’t mind Dazai invading his personal space, which usually occurred after he used Corruption. On those times, Chuuya wouldn’t mind the close proximity of their bodies as Dazai carried him back to base. He wouldn’t mind Dazai’s hands roaming his body as the brunette treated his wounds. He wouldn’t mind Dazai’s breath ruffling his hair as Dazai held him close throughout the night. He wouldn’t mind Dazai staying close to him for the next few days as he recovered. At times, Dazai even thought that Chuuya welcomed the physical contact.
What about now?
Would Chuuya still trust Dazai with his life if they were told to work together again?
After that thought crossed his mind, Dazai couldn’t stop the words from leaving his mouth. “Chuuya, do you still trust me to stop Corruption?”
Chuuya blinked up at him. His eyes turned elsewhere as he thought over the words in his mind. “I guess. I mean,” his eyes turned to Dazai again, “what other choice do I have? You’re the only one who can do it.”
The music slowed to a stop. All around them, people switched partners or left the dancefloor, but neither Chuuya nor Dazai moved away from each other.
For a moment, they gazed at each other. Chuuya’s eyes were breathtaking, as always. Dazai wondered what sort of face he was making at the moment, because he no longer knew what he was feeling.
Chuuya still trusted him.
Slowly, a smile spread on Dazai’s face. Everyone around them was changing, but Chuuya was still the same person Dazai knew years ago. Nobody could say for sure if this would stay unchanged for the coming years, but they’ll deal with the future when it comes.
After all, they live in the present.