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Clarke slouched back in her seat, feeling the weight of what she had to do on her shoulders. It seemed like that weight was a part of her now, a part of her she never wanted, tried so hard to shake off. All she had wanted was to make sure they all survived, that had been her goal since day one. She didn’t know how she ended up in this position every time, playing God and carrying the responsibility of hundreds of lives.
She sighed in frustration. She wouldn’t be able to justify her actions to herself no matter what she did now. Yes, she had never asked for this responsibility, but there she was. I’m trying to do the right thing; we have to be logical about this. It didn’t matter what she told herself, it would still mean that she was condemning her own people to death. She was tired of having to rationalize decisions; decisions that drew the line between life and death for others.
Clarke turned her head back to the list in front of her, focusing on the last two spots. She didn’t deserve to see her name on that list, didn’t deserve to be amongst the people who would give humanity another chance. Death followed her everywhere; she would bring more destruction with her, and she wanted to stop hurting the people she was trying to protect with every heavy decision.
She turned to look over at Bellamy, who was finally getting some much-needed sleep on the couch. Seeing him there, so peaceful, warmed her heart. Just feeling his presence there gave her strength.
I knew I could, because they had you.
As she put his name on the list with determined strokes, Clarke thought back to that day when she had to face the consequences of her decision. She had left, and it had broken him. She hated the idea of putting him through that again, knew that she wouldn’t be able to do this without him if the situation was reversed, but she had faith in him. Even if she wasn’t going to be on that list, he would be; and they would all be saved with or without her.
Clarke didn’t realize she had been crying until she heard Bellamy get up from the couch. He approached her and glanced at the list over her shoulder.
“If I’m on that list, you’re on that list.”
“Bellamy, I can’t – “ She was quick to disagree.
“Write it down. Write it down, or I will.”
She heard the conviction in his voice, could tell that he truly believed she deserved a place among the new 100, but she just shook her head.
Bellamy reached for the list and the pen, keeping his eyes on Clarke as he wrote her name. He wouldn’t do this again without her. He knew what it was like – what he was like – when she was gone, and he refused to let her go without a fight this time.
Clarke sighed and turned to look up at Bellamy. He had always been there, by her side, to share her burden. I bear it so they don’t have to. She had tried to leave so he didn’t have to bear the weight of what they had to do to survive, but that weight had crushed her.
She took a deep breath. It was time to accept that they just weren’t going to let each other go, not when together meant so much. She was going to fight for him, be there for him, just like he had always done for her. It was their time now, and they wouldn’t let each other down.
“So, what now?”