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Caitlin sighed contentedly, eyes closed. Her heartbeat was slowly calming down to its usual pace, but she was still somewhat dizzy from the blood rushing through her. She could feel Julian next to her, radiating warmth, their legs still entangled, one of his arms across her belly.
"Thanks," she mumbled, opening her eyes to look at him. "I really needed this."
Her words enticed one of those rare smiles from his lips.
"My pleasure."
Caitlin started giggling at his deadpan remark and leaned over to kiss him. The kiss didn't last very long since she was too exhausted to hold up her head for more than a few seconds, nevertheless it felt almost more intimate than everything that had come before.
They looked at each other, and Caitlin wasn't sure how to put her feelings into words. Hell, she wasn't even sure what those feelings were in the first place; everything had happened so fast. She had never even considered going on a date with him until earlier that day when he had kept her from turning into Killer Frost, and even then she had just planned on having drinks with him, not taking him home and fucking him senseless.
She traced the lines of Julian's face with her fingers, tried to memorise the shape of his cheekbone, his jaw, his temple. Maybe tomorrow they would both come to their senses and she would never again get the chance to touch him.
"Are you okay? You seem kind of melancholy."
"Yeah," Caitlin said quietly. "I just... I don't know. Weird feelings. But I'm okay."
She leaned over to kiss him again.
"You want to talk about it?"
Caitlin couldn't help but smile in embarrassment, as she realized she was afraid of scaring him off by dumping her emotional baggage onto him.
"I don't think you'd find it very interesting."
Julian raised his eyebrows.
"If I wasn't interested in your thoughts and feelings I would hardly be here now, would I?"
The good thing about his habit of speaking his mind rather bluntly was, as Caitlin had found out during the earlier hours of the evening, that she could trust Julian to tell her the truth.
She exhaled slowly, not quite meeting his eyes.
"Well, to be honest, I haven't had a lot of good experiences when it comes to these things. Two years ago, my husband died, and then when I finally thought I was ready for a relationship again, my boyfriend turned out to be a supervillain who kidnapped and imprisoned me. And after that, I thought it would be impossible for me to trust anyone again, but tonight, I didn't even think of him, or of my husband. And I'm glad I'm able to move on, but I'm also afraid that it's too soon, that I should give myself more time to process everything that happened."
Julian was drawing small circles on her stomach, almost like he didn't know he was doing it; listening intently.
"And on top of that, I'm a bit confused about what this is." She gestured vaguely at the two of them. "I mean, I just wanted to have a drink with you and now we're here and I'm not... I don't really know what I'm feeling."
"If you're not comfortable with me staying here, it's okay. Just say the word and I'll be out of your hair."
"No! No, it's like, the opposite of that. I don't want you to leave, and I would like this to happen again, if you... if you want."
Julian's eyes widened for a moment, he was clearly surprised. Caitlin got the feeling that she wasn't the only one who brought baggage to this—whatever this was.
"Yes. Yes, I do want that."
Caitlin reckoned that she might as well tell him the whole truth.
"And it's not just sex, I... But I don't want to rush into anything, you know?"
Caitlin ran her hand through her hair nervously. It was a mess, and she knew that she should brush it again before going to sleep, otherwise she would wake up with knots in it the next morning.
"Sorry, I'm not even sure what I want, exactly, and I haven't done this in a while."
"Yeah, me neither."
There was a vulnerability in Julian's eyes that Caitlin was sure he hadn't shown to many people in his life.
"Tell me about your husband. If that's okay for you."
Caitlin was surprised for a moment, then she figured that maybe this was his way of diverting the conversation away from his own past.
"His name was Ronnie. He was kind. And funny. He always put the needs of others before his own. He died twice to protect the people he loved."
The last sentence gave Julian pause.
"He died twice?"
"Well, the first time he didn't actually die, we all just thought that he did. But he really merged with another person and became a meta."
There was a short silence.
"Wow."
"Yeah. But the second time, he didn't make it."
"I'm sorry."
Caitlin nodded, blinking a few times. She realised she had never really told anybody the truth about Ronnie's death: all her friends from S.T.A.R. Labs had been there on the day he had died, and she wasn't close to anybody else. She hadn't even told her mother what had actually happened.
Julian apparently sensed that she needed a minute to sort out her emotions, and Caitlin was thankful he didn't press her for any more details.
"Let's talk about something else," she said finally. "When you said you hadn't done this in a while either it sounded like there's a story there."
"And here I was hoping you hadn't noticed."
Caitlin looked at him seriously.
"'Course I noticed."
Julian smiled at her cockiness.
"Well, if you must know, my last relationship didn't really end that well. Turns out he was only interested in me because my family had money. I found myself head over heels in love with him, and I didn't realise for months that he was just using me."
"Ouch."
"Yeah, so since then I've been finding it hard to trust people."
Caitlin sighed.
"And I’ve been avoiding getting emotionally close to others, for obvious reasons."
"It's a match made in heaven."
They looked at each other and both of them started laughing. Caitlin leaned over to kiss him again, surprised how much she trusted Julian, even though she had only known him for such a short amount of time.
"Could you give me a hug? I think I need a hug right now."
"Come here."
She moved closer to him, pressing one cheek against his sternum, and listened to his heartbeat while he wrapped his arms around her. Caitlin exhaled. It had been a long time since she had felt this safe.
"I'm really glad you asked me out for that drink," he mumbled into her hair.
Caitlin smiled proudly. It had been one of her better moments.
"Me, too," she said quietly, tightening her arms around him.
None of them said anything else for a while. Caitlin closed her eyes, focussing only on her other senses: the feeling of his skin against hers, the steady sound of his heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest as he was breathing. She had really missed being this close to another person.
After a few minutes, Julian started speaking again.
"You said you don't really know what you want right now, and honestly, I don't really know what I want, either. But I'd like us to figure it out together."
Caitlin nodded, smiling.
"I'd like that, too."