Work Text:
It hurt.
Every smile, every glance, every touch. In the middle of a battle, when their lives were at stake. Eating dinner with the team, sharing stories. It always hurt.
It was all Jesse's fault. His laugh filled Hanzo's heart, and his smile lifted him off the ground. His casual touches, whether bumping into him or wrapping his arm around his shoulders, took Hanzo's breath away. Jesse radiated warmth, in his personality, in his smile, in his hugs.
It made the nights so much worse.
Hanzo learned that recently. No matter how much it hurt to be with Jesse and not be with him, it hurt way more when he wasn't around at all.
It wasn't always like this.
He never hated Jesse, but he was indifferent to him when they met. Just another person in Genji's life he knew nothing about. Unlike the other people in Genji's life though, Jesse made attempts to get to know him. He'd acknowledge him in meetings, he'd ask if he wanted seconds. He reminded Hanzo that he was a person, that he existed.
Then they began to spend their free time together. Just a couple of drinks here and there, a training session now and again. When they ran into each other in the halls at 3 in the morning one night, they found they had a lot more in common than they initially thought. That night they stayed up until dawn, talking about their lives and sharing information they'd never told anyone else. When they split up to go back to their rooms, Hanzo felt an odd high taking over his body. The combination of lack of sleep and being able to trust someone so fully let him rest peacefully, even if only for a couple hours.
Now whenever Jesse entered the room Hanzo felt his chest tighten and found himself far too aware of his movements. His mind would grow hazy and he'd have trouble forming a sentence. He figured out what was happening to him rather quickly.
That was when it began to hurt.
Jesse was a very physical person. He'd bump into people, he'd give them hugs, he'd hold their hands, he was just always touching someone. Whenever it was Hanzo's turn for the affection his heart would flutter, and he'd do everything in his power to just enjoy the contact. However when Jesse would turn his attention to someone else, Hanzo's heart and body grew heavy. He was bitter over how easily jealous he was. He spoiled himself with thoughts of Jesse finding him important. He'd imagine Jesse refusing to go near anyone else besides himself. Jesse would wrap his arms around him and hold him in a tight hug, never letting go. He'd tell Hanzo why he loved him, and that he'd never leave him alone again.
Of course, these were just thoughts. He only let himself think about it at night, when he wouldn't be disturbed. When he could remember just how alone he was.
Every second with Jesse made him feel special. He made him feel like he was worth something, that he wasn't some waste of space. It was obvious though that Jesse made everyone feel that way. When he'd walk into a room everyone would perk up. They'd greet him and invite him over and try to take him for their own.
God it hurt.
He certainly had a lot of Jesse's time, training with him and wandering the halls with him. He knew things about Jesse no one else knew.
He had to be important to him.
Hanzo found himself having a particularly difficult night. Though he could usually keep his thoughts under control, all day he couldn't focus on anything but the cowboy. He spent hours alone using the shooting range until shooting bulls-eyes became muscle memory. It still didn't tire him out. Knowing he wasn't going to get any sleep, at least not until the ridiculously early hours of the morning, he made his way to the top of a building to get some fresh air. If nothing else, the night air might cool off his flushed face.
Stopping by his room just to grab a drink, he settled down on the ledge over looking the ocean. He shut his eyes, listening to the waves roll over the shore. After some time his heart slowed down, and his breathing came in deep, steady breaths. He opened his eyes and looked at the black sky, the stars and the moon illuminating the watchpoint. Finally, his mind was growing clear. He could breath. His body was feeling light. He was barely giving a thought about-
"Here you are!"
All the relaxation Hanzo had felt disappeared as he turned around to see Jesse coming towards him.
"Were you looking for me?"
Jesse plopped down ungracefully next to him, pulling out a box of cigarettes the moment he was comfortable.
"'Course I was. Haven't seen you all day. You been avoidin' me or somethin'?"
Hanzo turned his attention to the ocean. Despite the low lighting he knew looking at Jesse would cause his brain to freeze up.
"No. Not you specifically. I just... needed to clear my mind."
"Oh?" Jesse light up his cigarette before holding the box out to Hanzo. "Something's been troublin' you?"
Avoiding eye contact Hanzo turned and grabbed a cigarette. He put it between his lips, wondering what to say next. Before he could get a word out Jesse leaned over close into Hanzo's space and lit up his cigarette. Hanzo looked down as Jesse leaned back.
"...Thank you."
"No sweat. Figured you didn't have a light on you."
Hanzo just gave a nod in return, leaning forward on his legs. He couldn't help curling up slightly on himself as he took a drag. Jesse was always so close, and yet never near close enough. He desperately wanted just to lean on his shoulder, feel the warmth that Jesse was always filled with. He couldn't help look at him from the corner of his eyes, trying to get a sneak of him without being obvious. Jesse was leaning back, barely an inch away from Hanzo, looking off at the ocean. He looked as relaxed as ever from what Hanzo could see. He turned his eyes back down, focusing on the glowing light on the end of the cigarette. The only sound between them as they smoked was the waves gently rolling over themselves. They had both lost track of time, and with realizing how much he had actually smoked Hanzo watched the light burn out at the filter. He blinked, surprised at himself, before putting the butt down next to him. He heard Jesse shift.
"You didn't answer me, y'know."
Hanzo had hoped Jesse was just going to let it go, but it seemed that wasn't the case. After a few moments of silence Jesse reached over and put his hand on Hanzo's far shoulder, rubbing circles in an attempt to comfort him.
"You can tell me anythin', y'know. No judgement here."
Hanzo shut his eyes. His hand was warm, and if he leaned back just a bit he'd be leaning into his arm. Maybe then Jesse would pull him closer and he'd be by his side all night.
He couldn't do that though. Jesse didn't feel the same way for him, it was obvious. He treated Hanzo the way he treated everyone. He was just some person in his life, and Jesse would leave and go to sleep and not think about Hanzo after this talk. Hanzo curled his hands into fists before shoving Jesse away.
"Do not touch me!"
Jesse looked at him with shock, but kept his hands away from him.
"Sorry, didn't mean to cross a line. Did you want me to leave you alone?"
Hanzo instantly regretted pushing him away. Now he was cold from where Jesse's hand was, and Jesse probably thought he hated him. Hanzo gripped his hair with one hand and took a swig from his bottle, hoping something would calm him down. Realizing Jesse was still waiting for an answer he looked at him with wide eyes.
"No! Don't leave. Stay here, please."
Jesse slowly put his hands behind himself, leaning back on them.
"What's wrong, darlin'?"
There it was.
Hanzo squeezed the bottle in his hand. Good old Jesse McCree, throwing out nicknames and pet names left and right. Acting like Hanzo means so much to him, when Jesse would just as soon call everyone else by the same name. His frustration over came him and he slammed the bottle down next to him.
"You, you are what is wrong!"
Hanzo refused to look at Jesse when he spoke.
"Me? ... So you were avoidin' me then."
Hanzo could hear the pain in Jesse's voice. His breath started to quicken. His mind was fogging over. There was no way to fix this. Everything he could say from here on out would just make it worse. He had screwed up and there was no way he could make it up.
He barely heard Jesse over his own thoughts.
"Mind tellin' me what I did?"
He thought about lying. He thought about saying he didn't mean it, he was just drunk. They would have a laugh and then everything would go back to how it was before. He wouldn't have to worry about losing Jesse from his life.
He couldn't though. Jesse would never believe him, anyone would see through that lie. Every other lie he could come up with just ended worse. So with one deep breath Hanzo let go of his hair, gripping the ledge they were sitting on with both hands. He had made his bed, now he was going to lie in it.
"I don't... I do not want to lose you as a friend, Jesse. You have been the most welcoming person to me since I got here, besides my brother. I have told you more about my life than I have ever told anyone, and you are the only person I trust with my life."
"What about Genji?"
Hanzo smirked.
"I hope my life never ends up in his hands."
Jesse gave out a small laugh. Silence filled up between them again. Steadying his breath Hanzo sat up straight and looked at Jesse. The moon lit up Jesse's eyes, and he practically glowed in the light. Hanzo felt his heart racing, knowing what he was about to say could mean losing Jesse from his life.
"You are always on my mind, Jesse. You're distracting. Every time you enter the room everything else becomes white noise. I cannot focus on anything else but you. Your eyes are always so full of life. Nothing makes me smile more than hearing you laugh, even if it is at your own terrible joke."
Jesse grinned at that, causing Hanzo to grin back as he continued.
"Every time I am with you it is the highlight of my day. I love watching you concentrate when you take aim. I love watching your reaction when you realize the twist in a film. I love how calm and serene you are when you cook."
Feeling adrenaline pumping through him he used his new found confidence to put his hand on Jesse's. He gave it a small squeeze, before the smile on his face started to fade.
"But... it all hurts."
Jesse turned his hand over to hold Hanzo's hand back. Hanzo took another deep breath.
"It hurts when you turn away from me. Every time you let go of me I feel so cold. I feel so heavy."
He squeezed Jesse's hand tighter as a small laugh escaped him.
"It is ridiculous. I know it is. But when I watch you with the others, treating them the same way you treat me, it is painful. You are so important to me, and I want to be as important to you. But I know I am not. And I can't help-"
"Who said you weren't important to me?"
Hanzo's words caught in his throat, and he looked up at Jesse.
"I simply meant that-"
"I know what you meant," Jesse took his free hand and placed it gently on Hanzo's cheek, "And I want to know who told you that 'cause it simply ain't true."
Hanzo looked at him with confusion.
"No one told me."
Jesse frowned.
"... That's how I made you feel? I can't believe I made you think that. I feel awful for making you think you weren't important, Hanzo. I'm deeply, truly sorry."
Hanzo looked down.
"You do not have to apologize."
He tried to move away, but Jesse's grip on his hand tightened, and he tilted Hanzo's head to look at him.
"I haven't stopped thinkin' about you for weeks. You're so damn gorgeous, sometimes I find it hard to believe we're breathing the same air. You have no idea how many times I've been feelin' like shit, only to see you and feel better on the spot."
He let out a laugh.
"Shit, the only reason I'm not glued to your side all the time is 'cause I didn't want anyone gettin' suspicious. Especially you. I had no clue how you felt."
This time it was Hanzo's turn to laugh.
"Are you saying this whole time we have both been feeling the same way and thinking it was one-sided?"
Jesse laughed loudly, pressing his forehead against Hanzo's.
"Seems that way! Sounds ridiculous when you put it like that."
Hanzo took his free hand and ran it through Jesse's hair, taking his hat off in the process.
"That is because we are both ridiculous people."
Jesse smiled and leaned closer.
"Good point."
He closed the space between them and kissed him. Hanzo quickly kissed back, grabbing tightly on to Jesse's poncho to pull him in closer. Like always Jesse was warm against him, burning like a sun against his lips. Unlike always, Jesse wouldn't leave him. He moved away just enough to breathe, but kept a tight grip on Jesse.
"Stay with me tonight."
Jesse pressed kisses against Hanzo's jaw, smiling all the while.
"I ain't plannin' on leavin' you any time soon."
Hanzo grinned and captured Jesse's lips again with his own.
For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel any pain.