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Sometimes, Richard is unsure of a lot of things. Without even the slightest bit of proof, his mind still manages to convince him that something is wrong even when it is not.
All things considered, he has to wonder over what is happening between him and Lee. Yes, it is truly beyond anything he has experienced before. And that frightens him more than anything. He has known things that were too good to be true, and this with Lee is further than too good, it is damn near perfect, and that causes uncertainty to rear its ugly head every chance it gets.
Richard honestly cannot help it. He has always been this way. Doubting himself. Doubting those around him for their purpose and reason. He doesn’t know why he does this, and try as he might, it is not something he can control or stop or alter in any way.
Even as they sit here now, on the couch of the apartment he has rented, filming on hold due to rain and huge amounts of it falling carelessly, Lee sitting between his legs as he sits sideways on the couch, the younger man’s head resting on his shoulder, a bowl of popcorn in his lap, watching whatever it is he found worth watching, Richard was waiting for the hammer to fall. He was waiting for that confirmation of his unease, waiting for Lee to sit up and turn around and look at him. His smile so wide and vibrant, the skin around his eyes crinkled in that adorable way while the green/blue of those eyes bore into him, seeing every part, even the ones he had never shown anyone else, and never really had any intent to. He expected Lee to tell him, with that smile and those eyes, the words his mouth would utter ““This can’t last. You and me. It will never work out. Once filming is done, this is over, and we go back to what we were before; strangers.”
And when Lee does sit up, Richard’s heart starts beating faster in dread, and when the American does turn around with that sun bright smile, and soul searching eyes, Richard feels himself grow cold for it was coming, those words, that hurt.
But instead Lee just leans forward and kisses him. Kisses him like he was drowning and the only air he could take in was what he pulled out of Richard’s body. Kisses him like he had never been kissed before, except the last time Lee had kissed him this way. Kisses him like he loved him.
“What are thinking about?” Lee asks. He pulls away just enough to ask, his face still close enough that all Richard has to do was lean forward just a few inches and those lips would be on his again.
“How nice it is you being here with me,” Richard answers with some difficulty. He was thinking that, back behind the worry.
Lee looks at him strangely, almost sadly, and Richard wonders if Lee knows he is not telling the whole truth. But he cannot voice it out loud. Doing that will make it real and make it happen and Richard wants to hold that off for as long as he can, because being with Lee is good and wonderful, and he is truly happy, and losing that will be painful. And he isn’t ready to face that.
But Lee, thankfully, does not question farther. He leans in again, settling in his place straddled over Richard’s lap, his arms coming around his neck, holding tightly as the kiss deepens and soon becomes fierce and so impassioned that those doubts began to burn away and leave Richard in this moment, where everything is so flawless, and absolute.
And he can ever say that those thoughts from before are totally erased as if they never were and he and Lee make love right there on the couch, for that is what it is – making love – and he has no qualms about that at all.
But when he opens his eyes again in the morning, Lee’s breath in his ear, the warmth of his body and the softness of his skin will all become the exquisite torture that Richard craves but is silently preparing to do without some time in the future.