Chapter Text
He doesn’t have to look twice at his brother to know what kind of mood he’s in; today is no exception from any other day. Vegard hasn’t been in the room for more than a minute, and yet he sees it, that sad expression on Bård’s face. He hasn’t yet realized that he isn’t alone in the room anymore and is still staring into the thin air, almost as if it comforts him, and God knows, perhaps it does. Vegard is almost afraid to interrupt the chain of thoughts going through Bård’s head then and there, yet he knows it’s necessary. They’re leaving in a moment or two and he simply won’t allow for his little brother to walk around with that kind of an expression to his otherwise oh so pretty face.
“Hey,” he says as to break the spell, yet Bård doesn’t really react, as if he knew he was there all along. “What’s that look on you face?” he asks, this time to break the uncomfortable silence in the room. Bård shakes his head. “Nothing, really,” he answers and shrugs casually, as if the thoughtful look was nothing but a mere daydream or insignificant idea. Vegard raises a sceptical eyebrow at this. “Come on, bro,” he says and sits down next to him in the couch, getting comfortable and resting his head on Bård’s shoulder. The younger man sighs, but he knows he can’t keep secrets from Vegard, and this one he doesn’t really want to keep.
“You don’t recall having written this, or what?” he asks and gropes for something in the pocket of his tour jacket. Vegard frowns at the strange choice of words and tone of voice as to ask such an ordinary question. This can’t be good.
“This,” Bård says and holds a book up to his nose, a book he knows all too well and dearly hopes Bård hasn’t read through. Vegard clears his throat, uncertain as to what to answer and tries to read his brother’s face. He’s hesitant to speak now, but the words come regardless of his wants or needs. “It’s my old diary, isn’t it?” Bård nods at his assumption. “It is,” he says and slowly rises from the couch, leaving his brother to himself. It’s not at all appreciated, and Vegard quickly gets to his feet as well, unsure of how to proceed. “And what have you written in this diary?”
“A lot of letters, I’d guess.”
“Yes, of course… But you wrote a lot of personal stuff in here, didn’t you?”
“It’s been a while.”
“You remember, you jerk.”
Vegard feels extremely anxious at this point. He is aware that his brother is aware of the immodest words written in that book, that little black book of shame. It felt completely and utterly surrealistic that he had read those words, his most inner and personal thoughts upon quite a few different matters. It’s a disgraceful thing to do, to read another person’s diary, and had it not been for the words in it, he would’ve shouted at Bård for doing so. Now he can’t do much but keep his mouth shut, but not even that he can manage.
“Calle is waiting for us-“
“Shut the hell up, you quisling,” Bård growls, now flipping through the pages of the hellish book. He’s obviously trying to find a good page to quote. Vegard feels his mouth go dry, trying his best to keep his tears back. “Look, I’m really-“
“Keep your mouth shut or else I’ll punch you in the fucking face,” Bård yells, pointing his index finger at him in the most disgraceful manner, yet Vegard allows himself to be silenced. He has no right to speak against his brother in this; at least it would be quite ridiculous, seeing it’s his entire fault. The mere thought makes him flinch, and yet Bård isn’t backing down anytime soon. He is literally glaring at his big brother.
“I’m watching him sleep right this moment. The sun reflects the gold of his hair; it’s what woke me this early. Can’t seem to stop thinking about how beautiful he is, even though it’s wrong of me to think such thoughts. He is, after all, my best friend.”
Vegard wants to protest, yet his mouth is completely dried out by now and the words are stuck in his throat. His eyes are closed. He’s afraid that if he dares open them again, this nightmare will be real, and although he’s well aware it’s already is real, he lingers on to the hope that Bård never actually read the whole book.
“Aren’t you going to defend yourself?” Bård demands, obviously annoyed with his unflattering silence. All Vegard can really tell is that Bård is standing close to him now, and if he dares to open his eyes, he will find those ocean blue ones looking directly at him. He’s not entirely certain about whether to open his eyes or not, because more than anything, he wants to look his little brother in the eyes, but he knows he’ll only find a hateful glare looking his way.
“I-I’m so, so very sorry that I ever-“
“No, that’s not fucking good enough, you fucking cocksucker,” Bård yells and throws the book in Vegard’s direction, hitting him painfully in the head. It’s as if world war three is about to break loose in Bård’s office. “Bård…” he whispers and looks to his brother with desperation burning in his eyes, yet Bård is standing firm. “I’m not loving this, I can tell you that fucking much.”
“I can see that,” Vegard says and forces himself not to flee from the whole situation. He needs to find a reasonable explanation to this mess, or else he risks loosing both his brother and best friend. It simply cannot happen, he tells himself, and he’s about to come up with some stupid and unrealistic story to tell when Bård cuts him short, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.
“How the hell could you do this to Calle?” he demands and looks Vegard directly in the eyes, causing him to freeze completely. “Excuse me?” he asks and frowns, Bård looking extremely unhappy with his reply already. “You heard me, brother,” he sternly hisses and tightens his grip on Vegard’s collar, causing him to cough dryly from the lack of air. “Bård,” he whispers pleadingly, still holding onto his brother’s gaze. “You sicken me!” Bård yells, louder this time, and of course someone is bound to hear such a growl. There’s a knock on the door, and of course it’s his youngest daughter. She looks fearful.
“Daddy?” she asks hesitantly from the door, obviously shocked to find her dad’s hands wrapped around her uncle’s throat and said man’s frightened facial expression. He immediately loosens his grip on Vegard, shoving him off in a way that’s all but gracious. “Yes, cutie-pie?” he says and fakes a smile as to fool his daughter, and surely it does. She smiles right back at the two and strolls happily into the room with a flashlight in her hand, holding it to his face. “Oh, there it is! Where did you find it?”
“Mommy wouldn’t say.”
“Oh, right.”
“She said for you to treat Calle nicely, and he’s been calling.”
“Yes, thank you, cutie-pie. I’ll see you again on Sunday, right? So be good to mommy in the meanwhile.”
“Sure… See you later! I’m making cupcakes now, for myself, not you. I’m just saying.”
Bård pretends to smile until the door is once again closed and the two brothers’ are free to further discuss the matter. Vegard is clearly uncomfortable with this though, and Bård easily takes notice of it. At least he seems slightly more stable at this point, having had his daughter there to calm him down. Maria had probably sent her upstairs having heard the two fighting, or at least she had heard Bård’s shouting at Vegard.
“Vegard,” he says quietly and walks over to where his big brother is standing at, their eyes meeting once again. Vegard doesn’t feel too comfortable being so near to the man who only just accused and attacked him over an old, outdated diary, and what he’s being accused of is taken completely out of the blue. Why the hell would he think he’s into Calle?
“I’m not into Calle-“
“Look!” Bård says, once again interruption his older brother. “I’m sorry, Vegard,” he sighs and puts a hand on his shoulder, making feel a little calmer again, but he knows the storm isn’t over just yet. He’s still waiting for it to come.
“This didn’t turn out like I wanted it to,” he says in a quiet and almost apologetic voice. Vegard merely nods at this, still suspicious from the incident earlier on, and he knows for sure that Bård isn’t as collected as he wants to appear to be. Still he keeps his mouth shut, scared to say something stupid, or stupider than what was previously said between the two. “I’m just… Calle has been our friend for years and years, and I realize that this was written a long time ago… but it’s just wrong, you know.” Vegard nods, still trying to digest the fact that his brother believes he’s actually in love with Calle. “Yeah, I get how that is wrong…”
“I know you do, and I’m sorry I overreacted before.”
“It’s okay.”
“But I want to know if this was like a short-lived little crush, or do you still have feelings for him?”
“I-“
For once, it isn’t Bård interrupting him in the middle of a sentence. He realizes that it’s perhaps better to lie and let him think he’s in love with Calle, at least then he won’t be suspicious as to there being another blonde beauty in his life. And how could he live with this actual secret being revealed? Incest is quite a taboo in modern day society. He sighs, knowing that he has no other option but to simply lie to his own brother.
“I-You’re right,” Vegard stammers and sinks back into the couch, as if he’s revealing something absolutely mind numbing, and in reality, he’s only serving him a lie. A big fat lie, and it feels extremely bad, to lie to his best friend about being in love.
“I guess I’ve always been kind of in love with him.” Bård nods, holding his eyes for a couple of seconds before looking to the window. He seems sad, and it’s painful to be the source of that pain causing him to feel this way. “I never did anything about it because I know it’s wrong, you know, and he’d never feel the same way about me.” The youngest brother is blinking, as if he only just woke up. Things are far from good between them, that much Vegard can tell, and he feels like shouting. It’s too unfair. “You don’t really know that, do you?”
“I don’t think Calle is into-“
“Calle is into a lot of things he won’t talk to us about.”
“But he’s not gay-“
“You’ve watched Raske Menn with me?”
“Yeah-“
“Then you’ve seen what he’s like with Anders.”
“Oh…”
This doesn’t at all better his situation. Vegard feels a little panicky now, and he starts fidgeting with his wedding ring instinctively, feeling guilty talking about this even though he has no interest for the blonde twig. “We’re married all three, are we not?” Bård frowns at this, he too staring at the ring, at Vegard’s proof of everlasting love. “You did it for show, didn’t you?” he asks and Vegard sighs heavily, not wanting to discuss his family any further. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, please,” he begs the younger one and gets back on his feet again, uncertain of what else to do. “Oh, I get that,” Bård replies and reaches for the diary that is lying face down on the floor. “We mustn’t let our darling Calle wait any further, mustn’t we?”
Calle isn’t overly fond of tea. He’s always been more of a coffee person, nearly addicted to the bitter taste of it, and even so, today he’s enjoying a cup of steamy sweetness instead. There are a few boxes spread around the kitchen, the all of them belonging to his daughter, the only girl for him. He misses her dearly, and so he’s enjoying a cup of tea whilst waiting for the Ylvis-brother’s to arrive. It reminds him of her, and it also reminds him of all the bad decisions he’s made when it comes to his daughter’s wellbeing, this little trip of theirs being among them. He sighs; displeased with the situation he’s in, yet he takes pride in the fact that he’s indeed a man for his words. They ought to know that.
He’s been waiting for an hour or two now, and he’s extremely annoyed with the two brothers’, not quite sure where to place them anymore. They’re crossing a line that already has been worn too thin from years and years of neglect. Of course he realizes that it’s a part of their show, being mean to one another, but as a joke. Now they are eating of the time he should be spending with Sine, and obviously they can’t care less about his daughter. It angers him, and Calle is never angry with anyone under any circumstances.
He tries to call them again, but he is unable to reach any of the two siblings, always ending up with the answering machine and the same message. He leaves quite a few aggravated messages and hopes for the best, all until Maria finally answers him. It cheers him up a little bit, but an hour slowly goes by and yet there are no Ylvis to be seen. Calle doesn’t feel too jolly, and he’s about to leave his Oslo apartment and go see his daughter when someone’s at the door.
“Hey, are you done anytime soon?” Bård asks and scratches his head questioningly, oblivious to the older man’s annoyance, which only pushes him further. “If I’m done anytime soon?” he asks and feels his chest heave almost painfully. “I’ve been done for more than two hours!” Bård nods at this and then points to the car. “Then go get your shit and put it in the car, alright?” Calle sighs. “You could’ve called me, you know.”
“I know.”
“And?”
“Didn’t bother to.”
“I see.”
Calle is so close to letting his anger get the better of him, so close it almost hurts; yet he cannot bring himself to unleash the horrid feelings. Instead he takes a firm grip of the jam-packed backpack and throws it in Bård’s direction, taking him completely by surprise. Calle can’t help but to smile at the scene unfolding itself, the heavy load sending the youngest brother to the floor with a loud thump. “Aw, we haven’t been hitting the gym regularly, have we?”
“Shut up, you fucking lunatic! I could’ve hit my head against the fucking wall,” Bård yells angrily whilst trying to get back on his feet, causing the older comedian to respond with a harsh laugher. He’s not always as impressed with the howling brat, just like he wasn’t impressed back in the days when he and Vegard were in college together. “How many times haven’t you sent me flying? Being a good performer is all about show, you know.”
“Fuck you!”
Calle raises an eyebrow at this sudden outburst of his. Bård is a crybaby, that’s for sure, but he rarely ever acts out on his emotions like this. If anything, he’s a rather cold person, nothing like Vegard. “Angry, are we?” he asks, but there’s not the slightest trace of irony in his voice, something that settles the younger one even further, forcing him into a corner. “No,” he says, his voice monotone. “I’m stressed, always having to watch out for you two bastards.”
“You don’t even watch out for yourself.”
“Don’t laugh. I’m serious, just don’t.”
“Oh please.”
“Jesus Christ!”
Calle frowns as Bård storms off, leaving both him and the heavy backpack behind. He sighs, not quite sure how or if to go along with the situation. Bård acts as if he is seriously offended, even though Calle hasn’t spoken to him for a few days. It has to be something else to it, he is quite certain of it, and he chooses to ignore having been ignored by the two and further investigate this odd behaviour.
“Is this going to be an interesting trip or what?” he asks as he sits down in the back of the car, the usual grin back on its place, much to Bård’s disapproval. Vegard remains silent and doesn’t even tell him hello, and he’s the polite one. Calle sighs. “Fine, whatever is going on, don’t bother telling me about it!”
“Oh shut up!”
“Don’t tell me to shut up! I’m older and prettier than you.”
“Fuck you, Calle.”
“Yeah, right. Fuck you too, Ylvis.”