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It’s winter now. Snowflakes started whitening the city streets, already iced.
I observe them from behind the window, hypnotized by their fall.
I miss you.
The apartment is still full of your memories. Sometimes I believe I still can smell your scent in the bedsheets.
I look at your pictures, our pictures.
Suddenly I feel the touch of your hands in mine when that day we went on the shore. It was just you and me. We ran on the sand till we lose our breath, tired we leaned next to
each other.
With just one glare you were able to tell me that, yes, you were happy. I just captured that moment.
And now that gaze is still in front of me, but it’s in the past and your eyes in the picture seem faded.
*
You always told me that winter was your favourite season, because you felt magic in the air.
Do you see this snow? Can you feel magic now?
If only I could be that snowflake that caresses your cheek, I could touch you again, be closer to you.
Streetlights are on, the sky from white turned dark grey, almost black. And I’m still here.
Maybe… Maybe if only I wait a little more, maybe if I stay awake tonight I would be able to see you again, to meet you.
Because whatever darkness is, it can’t last forever.
A night can’t last forever.
Morning will come again, and I’ll be able to see you again.
Right?
*
Days keep going, nights and mornings. But you’re not here.
Snow keeps falling, covering completely the trees. Ghosts, shadows in the white sky.
Shadows that start to gather in my thoughts too.
Please, stay. Please stay with me Yoongi. Your words keep sounding in my brain.
I left, I left you alone.
We promised it. Never Leave.
It was our promise.
While I look outside the window darkness gets deeper. Snowflakes stopped falling and now the air is frozen, as if it’s waiting something holding the breath.
What was changed?
Why did you do that?
I didn’t want it; I didn’t want to leave you. It’s your fault, how could you do this to us?
I keep hearing your voice in my ears, a permanent reminder of that autumn day when we were there, under the branches of our cherry tree. Its red leaves were falling on us.
That day when everything changed.
I hate you Hoseok, I hate you.
I hate you for forcing me to leave you, I hate you for having allowed me to love you.
But then why did I keep thinking about you every single day? Why couldn’t I forget you?
Truth is that I miss you.
I miss you, and hating you hurts.
I wish I could forget.
But how can I do it if I can’t send you away from my thoughts? I can’t leave you again.
Will I ever be able to get out from this winter? Will I ever be able to see the spring?
Maybe my only spring is you.
*
With the snow other days pass, and other months. The smell of premature flowers starts spreading in the air, impatient of blooming under the warm spring light.
Snow doesn’t fall anymore, and the city has regained its bright colours. I almost have the will to smile again.
Your scent disappeared from the sheets, picture are hidden in a closet. But I miss you, I still miss you like you just left.
Under the spring lights everything turns into a nostalgic shade. Maybe I managed to accept the fact that no, I can’t hate you.
I don’t care what you did, Hoseok I just want you by my side.
I want to see your smile again, your eyes. I want to touch you again, to caress your hair, to feel your skin on mine.
I don’t want to forget you, even if it hurts.
I just want to have you back.
*
From the window I can clearly see cherry trees in bloom, pink stains in the grey of the city.
It’s spring.
Maybe, maybe I could really have you back.
Maybe it’s time to live my spring, to find hope.
Do you remember our first date? It was the first day of spring, exactly like today.
Cherry blossoms were blooming and we were under the bloomed tree, that same tree.
Petals were falling on us, you smiled at me right before kissing me sweetly.
I still can feel your taste in my mouth.
And now I’m here, I’m waiting for you, again under this cherry tree, petals fall over me.
But you’re not here smiling to me, you’re not here with me.
Time passes and hope slowly fades.
You haven’t come.
And you never will, I let you go and now you’re going on.
You don’t think about our cherry tree anymore, you don’t think about that day, that kiss.
You’re not with me.
Now I know, now I understand.
Winter’s ended, but there’s no spring for me.