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“Fine. If you won’t, I will.” Eleanor spoke the words in a firm voice, the complete opposite of how she felt. She wasn’t sure where the strength was coming from, but wherever it was she prayed it kept coming to her. After she spoke the words she quickly made her way out of the room, not trusting herself if she continued to look at his broken face. He deserved to feel devastated, to feel broken just like she did in this moment. Len knew she shouldn’t give a damn about what he had to say or why he did it. She deserved better, okay, well Jasper really was perfect for her. She was a mess and no better herself. They were right for each other. If only he would’ve just trusted her and come to her with the reporter issue. They would’ve been able to work together and get rid of her. They could’ve figured something else out together.
But no, instead he left. He broke her heart and left her for days with nothing. And then what? Jasper thinks he can just show up and apologize and everything would be okay? No. She deserved better than that. Actually, Jasper deserved a lot more than just her walking way. He made her feel like shit, like she wasn’t good enough. He made her feel broken. He deserved to hear this, he deserved to feel like shit too, not just broken. The thoughts rolling around inside of Eleanor head quickly stopped her in her tracks. She had managed to make it down the hall and around the corner from her room. No, she wasn’t going to walk away, not just yet. She was going to tell him how she felt, how he made her feel because she had to get that off her chest. She shouldn’t have to carry that around forever. She shouldn’t be left feeling broken and weighed down. Not anymore.
“No, you know what.” Eleanor started speaking loudly as she made her way back around the corner and down the hall to her room. Jasper was still standing right where she had left him, still broken and refusing to walk away. At the sound of her words Jasper turned around, eyes shining from unshed tear as his eyes met hers. Eleanor found the fight to leave her in that moment, but she refused to give in, she needed to stand her ground. This moment almost felt like deja vu, like a repeat of what happened not too long ago here. Except, this time the roles were reversed and she felt like she should be happy about that. But, either way she would be walking out of this room with two broken hearts. No one is going to win and there was nothing to be happy about on that.
“You don’t get to just come in and explain, apologize and think that makes it alright.” Eleanor found her voice once more, less shaky and more stable as her eyes looked up from the floor and back to him. She wasn’t sure when she had looked down at the floor, but it didn't matter now. She found that strength she had earlier coming back to her.
“You broke my heart, repeatedly and each time I forgave you. You made me believe what we had was special. Even though you constantly broke me, but we always came back.” Eleanor wasn’t yelling, but felt like she was. Her voice was far from calm and controlled, the emotion finally seeping through. She could see Jasper’s jaw click in place as he stood up a little straighter, as if getting ready for a fight. But she quickly waved a hand at him, cutting off his words. He didn't’ have the floor right now, she did and it was her turn to speak.
“You make me feel like I’m not good enough.” The words slipped out into the silence that had fallen over the room. Eleanor found her eyes at the floor again, taking in a deep breath and pushing back the tears. She wasn’t going to break in front of him, he didn’t deserve to see that. Clearing her throat from the emotions welling up inside of her, Eleanor continued.
“That-. That night you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, and I deserve better than that. All I wanted was you, Jasper. I didn’t care about your past. I forgave you for that. But this? This I don’t know how to move past this. All you had to do was trust me back! Yo-You should’ve just trusted me, Jasper. We could’ve fixed this, together. But now? I won’t hold you back. I won’t make you be that guy waiting for letters, but I also won’t let you hold me back. I deserve better…” Eleanor found her voice to waver at the end as if she didn't fully believe the last of her words. Part of her didn’t because she didn't’ want it to end like this. However, she knew that they needed this, space. At the end of it all, it all came down to one thing. They needed a break, they needed space apart. She wasn’t sure where that would leave them, but for now? For now she needed to focus on herself, healing and fixing herself. She deserved that, and she knew that if he truly did love her.. He’d wait.
“Eleanor, wait.” Jasper’s voice trembled out in a small whisper, his fingers wrapping around her waist to stop her. But she didn’t look back, she couldn’t. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she stared in front of her, out the doors of her bedroom. Eleanor could feel Jasper take a few more steps closer to her causing her to close her eyes. She wasn’t ready for this, but she knew it was goodbye. Just hopefully not forever.
“I’m not going to be that guy that begs you to stay or forces you to because I don’t want to hold you back. You are right, you deserve better. But I need you to know, it wasn’t all a lie. Being with you is the most happiest I have ever been. I love you and I’ll be here waiting for you, when you come back. I just-.” Jasper words seemed to falter a little as he moved closer, his chest to her back, his fingers holding on tightly as if holding him above the water.
“When you come back, I’ll be here waiting if you still want me.” His words trembled out in a soft whisper, just for Eleanor to hear. His fingers slowly let go of her wrist before dropping back to his side, slowly letting her go. Eleanor felt a soft kiss being placed to the back of her head before the presence of his body was gone. Len felt her whole body slump forward as if no longer strong enough to hold herself up. She knew he was gone. She didn't’ need to turn around and look. She could feel it, she could always feel it. She knew when her room was empty and he was no longer there, and he wasn’t.
“Okay…” She whispered the word into the quiet and emptiness of her room. The tears she’d been holding back now decided to flow over the edge, silently running down her cheek. She knew this was going to be hard, but she never felt it would feel like this. Like she was drowning, struggling to breath and the only thing keeping her above water just sank.