Chapter Text
My name is Nico and I work as an idol. Yes, a real-life idol, the kind of job that’s either singing or running some program whether on TV, radio, and something similar. I worked as a full-time idol, means I rarely have any time to enjoy even slightest bit of my own personal life, but it doesn’t bother me that much; it is my dream to become an idol, after all.
Speaking of personal life, I do say I rarely have time to indulge myself in it but it doesn’t mean I don’t have any, mind you. The catch of being idol is I have to make sure my own personal life is not that transparent on public eyes because it will affect my job; of course the normal kind of thing about it is an “OK” to be released on public, such as my daily activities as an idol and my friends and families, but the real “personal” matters should be keep out from the public, facts like I’m actually living at an apartment with my girlfriend, Eli.
Of course things are not really easy between the two of us, although we both have a job, mine usually really hectic that I only have a day or two for a break and spend my time at home; to make things worse, sometimes those breaks usually followed by Eli’s turn to be the representative of her own company at some other region, and as much as I want to go with her, my job is in the way.
We do talked about this circumstances before we agree to pursue further with this relationship, even when talking about living together, and we agreed that no matter what we’re in this together. But for me, I feel that all of this is little bit unfair for Eli. I agree that we both have work to focus on, but Eli’s job usually finishes before evening and it’s usually once in a year or so for her turn to be sent to other town which makes her spent good amount of time alone at our apartment while my work requires me to be out for so long and being at home for so little.
I know Eli must be really lonely to be left alone so many times, that’s why I want to make sure she got her fair share of happiness.
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“You what?”
“I’m saying, Eli, it seems that I’m not being fair with you, so I was suggesting that you could invite one or two friends to stay here; or even having a new partner or two, we do
have few room to spare, don’t we?”
“But Nico, we talked about this, we’re in this together and I’m ha--”
“Eli, please. How long you think I’ve known you? You think I will believe you when you said you’re happy right now? I know you’re not, so please don’t lie to me.”
“But...”
“Well I’m not saying you should, you know. I was just suggesting it, I know how it feels to be alone, Eli, it’s not a pleasant feeling at all.”
After all, your happiness is what matters the most to me, Eli.
“...Okay, I get it, I’ll keep that in mind. But today I have all of your time, right, Nico?”
“Yep, you have all of me for today and tomorrow, my dear.”
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After that, I’ve been told by her that she’s inviting a few guests over our apartment, mostly our friends from high school that know my circumstances of being an idol so they’re trusted for keeping things a secret. Also, her little sister is staying for a while at our apartment because she’s on a long-break from university and wanting to spend time with her sister.
I am glad I told her that its okay to have people around her, she sometimes have one-track mind that usually makes her stressed out. I know part of her reason is to make sure my idol persona is safe, but she’s really an airhead sometimes.
Months has passed and along the way I’ve met some of Eli’s friend from work that staying over, and I’ll tell you what, they’re all some interesting bunch of people, kinda makes me wonder what kind of company does Eli work at. Speaking of her work, Eli says that she’s no longer have to be going to other city because now she got promoted to be a manager at one of the branch just around here.
As for mine, it’s as busy as always. I’m not complaining though, I’ve got many people supporting me, so there’s no reason to be burdened by it. Although for some reason I’ve got a little bit of extra day to spent at home, which I’m not going to waste of course. Well I’ll accept anything as long as I can spent my time with Eli. Maybe I should thank my manager for this extra days of vacation.
I am glad that now things are going steady around me, around us. I was hoping that it could stay that way, I really do. But I guess whatever things you said in the past will come and get you at one point.
Lately Eli been talking about this new recruit that works under the branch she’s responsible for. She’s a kindergarten teacher that’s taking a part-time job there. I knew that from her way of talking about this new recruit, she has a thing for this girl.
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“So, today I visited the school where she teach the children and I’ll tell you she is a natural at it, Nico! Just like you’re a genius at idol things~”
“Mhhmm... She must be a kind person then, even the kids realized her charms.”
“Yeah! The kids just loved her, they adore her so much that it took some times for their parents to convince them to go home~”
“Did you need some time as well to get back to work after that too, Eli?”
I snickered while replying her comment about this “crush” of hers.
“Mou! I’m not a kid anymore!”
She puffed her cheeks which look so adorable, it’s been a while I’ve seen this side of her to be honest. I pat her head out of reflex when she’s being like this.
“You know, Eli.. My offer still stands.”
“Offer? Which one?”
“About it’s okay for you if you want to have another partner beside me.”
Silence suddenly fills the room.
Crap, did I make a mistake about Eli crush for this girl? But the silence can also mean that she was thinking about something. I wonder if I’m saying this too soon. Just when I was busy thinking about her silence, she finally start talking again.
“But is it really fair for you that way?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“If you’re saying that it’s okay for me to have someone else beside you, isn’t it fair that you’re also allowed to have anyone beside me? I don’t want that...”
I was kinda dumbfounded at her reply, really. It took me a few seconds for her words to finally sink in, and I can’t help but to smiles at her words.
“Dummy... I never said anything about me having anyone else. It’s true that I allow you to have another partner, for me it was alright. But if you’re not fine with me having anyone else, then it’s your rights and I will follow suits.”
I’m fine with it, Eli, as long as it makes you happy, I’m fine with that.
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After that night’s conversation, I am sure now that Eli do like this girl. Well I did give her permission, so it’s up to her now whether or not to take up on the offer.
It was a month after that when Eli told me the news, about she takes the offer that is. But she said that the girl won’t move in to our apartment, she was saying about needing more time for things. Well out of all things, I am glad now that she at least have someone closes to her at all times.
Not much have changed since then though, Eli keep in contact with me when I’m working as usual; I was telling myself that nothing changed that is. It is true, the thing between us doesn’t change, but as for myself, I do realize some changes; I just don’t want to admit it myself.
Eli never fails to mention her new girlfriend when talk to me after that. About when Eli was asked to try teaching at the school where she work at, the time when they were on their first date, it’s as if all of the topics we talked now is nothing but her.
I was jealous, of course. I too wish that I can spent that much time with her, but seeing she’s being all happy like this just washes away the feeling. That’s what I thought anyway. From then on, I was distancing myself from Eli. I do realized it, but I don’t want to admit it.
I was making sure that I don’t have to come back home that often. Even if I do have free time to spare from work, I’ll only just come back to my apartment to get some extra clothes and went back to work. I even start avoiding Eli when I do have a break by staying inside my room all the time.
I feel like I don’t have a place anymore in there with the day passing.
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“Nicocchi, are you okay?”
“Huh? What? I’m perfectly fine, Nozomi, what’s up?”
“Nothing, it’s just unlike you to turn down the offer for a break from work. If it’s any other day before, you’ll do anything just to get home at this instant. are you really okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine~ I just think that I should focus on work more now, especially at this time of the year.”
Of course I lied. Although I don’t think she’d buy it that easily. Her sigh show it all. Guess you’ll never hide anything from your manager.
“You know that I’m here, you can talk to me, Nicocchi. Is it about Eli?”
Hearing her name just don’t give the usual effect anymore, I guess I do changed.
Well if I keep silent, she’ll just let me go.
“Fine then if you don’t want to talk about it, but don’t ever forget that if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here always, Nicocchi.”
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I guess the saying about when you’ve done something once, the chance for you to do the same thing again is higher. Especially if it is lies.
If you lie once, you have no other choice but to cover it up with another lies. That is until you’ve caught lying. I never knew that I am capable of doing it, lying my way to her.
Once I said it was the busy schedule’s fault that I can rarely spend my time at home, then it comes to the point of me intentionally saying that I can’t make it home due to work and have to stay at the hotel or staying at my manager’s place.
Before this I have no idea why people lie to their partners about anything even, for me it’s just a waste of time, that it was a useless thing to do and won’t solved the problem, it just adds more problem. But here I am, lying through my teeth because of things that I started, just because I have no courage left to face it, because I have no hope left in myself.
I don’t know if Eli realized it yet, maybe it’s due to the nature of my job as an idol, I can make the lie as naturally as I can. But how long can I keep this up I wonder.
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“Nozomi, can I stay over at your place tonight?”
“Sure, but why?”
“Well it’ll be easier if I just stay with you, right? the jobs and all.”
There’s no way I’d tell her that I don’t want to be near my own house.
Oddly enough, she buy that half-hearted reasoning, maybe she knew I wouldn’t be straight with her for now.
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I have lost count on how many times I lied to Eli.
For almost a month now, I never stepped my foot in my own apartment. I always says that the work is being hectic right now; which is a truth in some way, so I’m forced to stay over at Nozomi’s place for the time being, even though I could easily came back to take a breather at my own place.
But along the way, I don’t feel like that place is a place I can return to anymore. I stopped thinking that “my own apartment” is mine to own. That place is no longer the place I can come home to.
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“Nicocchi, where did you put your phone?”
“My phone? I left it at your place, why?”
“Eli called just now, she’s worried that you didn’t answer her calls, why would you even left your phone behind?”
Ah right, I forgot that we used to attend high school together, no wonder Eli went to Nozomi if she wants to know how I’m doing, they are a best friend after all.
“Well…”
I try to think for a reasonable reason for that aside saying that I don’t want to talk to Eli right now.
“I think that I should really focus on this last show of the year, so I don’t want anything to distract me.”
Nozomi just stared at me with a surprised expression before she answers.
“Is Eli just a distraction to you?”
Hearing her response, my heart suddenly feels like being stabbed with something sharp, it hurts.
Is it?
Is Eli just a distraction for me now?
Is she just something that bothers me now?
My chest feels so tight right now, I can barely breath.
Is she?
Just what is wrong with me?
Did I even love her anymore?
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I can’t even answer her question, I try to ran away by saying I need to prepare things because the concert is about to begin.
How can I answer it anyway, I don’t even know the answer for that, or perhaps, I know the answer, but I’m really scared of saying it out loud. I’m scared that I might become someone that does not even feel any love towards Eli anymore.
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I keep myself busy, just to distract me from my own problems. Nozomi tried to talk things about before but I shunned her down with some made-up lies on the spot.
The concert was a success, but I don’t even feel the slightest joy out of it.
I am glad that my job as an idol keeps me busy all the time, I know I’ve been hoping for things to calm down before, but right now I am grateful for things to get this busy.
I just need more distance for the time being. I need to find the answer myself.
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Unfortunately, because it’s the end of the year already, my job as an idol only keep me distracted for this long, come the last meet and greet event just before the Christmas’s eve and my work is done for this year.
Nozomi won’t even let me take any extra job, even when I insisted on it. Saying about I need to finally face the reality.
I guess she’s mad, well why wouldn’t she?
If I were in her shoe, I wouldn’t even last this long for keeping my cool.
As I have no other choice but to come home, I’ll let myself stroll around the area to get present for Eli. The event held just few blocks away from Nozomi’s place, as well as mine.
So I have plenty of time to think on what I should give to Eli as an apology for being away so long.