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Dear Mom,
I smiled and danced and tried very hard to not do anything to upset anyone. Hell, I even danced with her without scratching her eyes out. It was JJ’s night and all that mattered was that she was happy. You know, it was the first wedding I’d ever been to so I don’t really have anything to compare it to but it seemed really nice. Small, quiet, just friends and some family. JJ’s mom is really nice. I’ve met her before when I’ve gone over to see Henry. He looked quite the little gentleman. He’s growing up so fast and JJ has let his hair grow out. He says it’s so he looks like his Spence. It’s funny how he calls me Spence. JJ used to be the only person who did that.
Anyway, I was very well behaved and I made sure not to drink too much so that I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I felt a little silly dancing when there were hardly any people there but it was fun and it was good being with my family. It would have been better if she hadn’t been there but nothing is perfect. Except for me, of course, in your opinion. Everyone was so happy. It’s good when we get to relax like that and I’m really glad Dave managed to get everything organised.
Aaron came to me beforehand to tell me that she would be coming. I don’t know why he felt he had to tell me but I suppose it was good that I was prepared. It’s much easier to control micro-expressions when one is prepared. Still, I felt nauseous when he held her close for the first time. I remember my first dance with him. It was just in my living room and we were wearing pyjamas but he held me close with his arm around my waist and we both tried to lead until we broke down laughing. I used to laugh a lot more when we were together. He seems happy now. He’s smiling a lot and looking really good. I suppose they still run together. I guess maybe I wasn’t athletic enough for him.
Everyone switched partners all night so, of course, I had to dance with her at one point. Aaron was dancing with JJ and he looked over at me with a strained expression. I don’t know what he expected me to do. It’s not like I would have strangled her with my tie or something. That is not to say that I didn’t think about it. Instead I smiled and kept her at an arm’s length. Still, I could smell Aaron on her body and it made me feel so sick and so sad at the same time. I was all ready to make my excuses and go but Garcia grabbed me for the next dance and then Emily and suddenly I was smiling again. Something was bothering Emily, though. I think she’s going to leave. She told me that she had been offered a job in London and that she loved me. That’s what people say when they leave. Dad told me that before he went. Gideon said it too, in his own way.
Anyway, other than Emily everything was going well but everyone was also getting really drunk. Morgan suddenly had his hands all over me telling everyone that it was his turn to dance with Pretty Boy. I still don’t know why he calls me that. We waltzed and I couldn’t help but laugh as he literally swept me off my feet. I guess maybe I did have more to drink than I’d intended because suddenly Aaron was demanding his turn and I didn’t refuse. She was laughing as she stood to the side with Emily and JJ but I’m sure everyone else was a little tense. Morgan looked surprised but stepped aside with an exaggerated bow and Rossi just raised his eyebrows. You know, he looks like such a smug ass when he does that. And there we were alone on the dance floor. Aaron wrapped his arm around my waist just like that day in the living room and pulled me close. I laid my head on his shoulder because, no matter what my IQ may say, sometimes, mom, I can be such an idiot. He nuzzled into my hair and it was like we had never split up. It was like she had never existed. Everything faded and it was just Aaron. He smelled of a new aftershave, probably a present from her, but underneath I could smell that musky, warm smell that is pure Aaron. I felt the movement of his muscles under my hands and heard his muffled groan as he pulled at my waist. When he lifted his head I could’ve got drunk on the fumes of Scotch but as he released his left hand which was laced with mine and pushed my hair behind my ear he whispered, “I love you, Spencer.”
What the hell am I meant to think about that, mom? What do all your romantic heroes have to say about that bullshit? Morgan and Garcia bumped into us as they waltzed across the floor and the spell was broken. He coughed and practically fled away from me back to her. He loves me but he runs to her. I stumbled over to JJ and stammered out some congratulations before heading for the door. I could tell that she was worried about what had happened but it was her wedding day. I couldn’t talk to her about it. I can’t talk to any of them about it so that’s why I’m writing to you.
It’s really late. Or it’s actually really early and I’m alone in my apartment. Aaron went home with her but apparently he loves me. It really isn’t fair. I hope one day I’ll meet someone to replace him and then all this hurt will disappear.
I love you, mom.
Yours always,
Spencer