Archive of Our Own

it was all his fault anyway, tyler's. josh never would've had to ruin his pristine reputation of liking everyone he ever met, never would've had to envy the growing friendship between his best friend and jon. never would've had to swallow his pride and admit to himself that jealousy often found company in desire, and that the desire had fallen on the last person anyone would expect. never. if tyler had just picked the other band, some group of overeager wannabe pop rockers that had sounded decent enough to worm their way onto the radio once or twice in the past year. tyler didn't care much for them, they were too commercial, too mainstream, some other excuse only tyler would come up with. but he could see it in his eyes the second the younger boy saw jon, the second he'd heard the first few minutes of his music. josh, voice laced with awe, this guy, listen, he's good. josh didn't have a problem with him then, there was no reason to. good voice, unique sound, and he had to admit jon wasn't hard on the eyes. he'd be a good opener. but that's all he'd ever considered him, an opener. a coworker of sorts. an acquaintance. tyler had had other ideas. he should've noticed sooner, how tyler acted around jon from the start. it was how he'd felt meeting tyler for the first time six years ago, all overeager smiles and nervous energy, the thrill of meeting someone so undeniably talented. 

he imagined it wasn't too different from what the fans felt, though he still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of someone thinking of him that way. except tyler, when he'd first seen josh drum. or now when he caught josh second guessing and put every effort behind convincing him he was just as important to the band as he was. tyler was fairly choosy when it came to who truly impressed him. it took something special to get a reaction from him, to make him put forth that kind of effort. and josh was that something special, always had been. he was particularly special, actually. here tyler was, always ready with the reassurances and compliments to pick him up again when he felt himself slipping into self-doubt, despite the fact josh knew he really wasn't all that deserving of it. 

people like tyler and jon, though, they were made for that kind of attention, for that kind of reverence. and josh was aware of that, he expected it. the only difference this time was that it was tyler's awe and reverence and praise, all previously reserved for josh, being thrown at this jon bellion guy. which josh wasn't so much expecting. so maybe that was it, that first exhilarating meeting to confirm that yes, they were doing this, welcome to the tour, that left a sour taste. josh wasn't used to tyler expressing that kind of interest in another person, another musician, at least not one he hardly knew and especially not one so... new. that was unfair, he knew it, it didn't matter how new or inexperienced an artist was when it came to talent. but there tyler was, lit up with blatant enthusiasm the minute jon walked in, and josh couldn't help the bitter twinge working its way under his skin. 

this was his best friend. he tried to ignore how childish his inner voice sounded, how ridiculous that was. tyler was always pretty possessive, they both were, but it was only ever a joke. they had other friends. albeit not ones as close as each other, but still, other friends nonetheless. 

although josh wondered over the next several days why it was ridiculous. why it was okay for tyler to throw a twitter tantrum at the first mention of michael clifford and here josh was feeling pathetic for noticing tyler's adoration of jon. 

so he decided it was okay. he wouldn't mistreat jon, there was no cause for that. he still liked the guy enough, he'd be civil. but he didn't have to be as animated as tyler at the mere mention of his name, didn't have to devote half his free time to finding what they had in common and running with it. which, he'd now found out, was why tyler was out so late the night before, fumbling with and inadvertently slamming the bus door at 3am when he finally graced josh with his presence, tripping over everything in sight that could and did make any amount of noise, followed by a litany of whispered apologies through the curtain of josh's bunk. josh ignored them until the next morning, when he'd been offered coffee along with an explanation and another "sorry for waking you up" paired with the sheepish smile and dark eyes he never really could stay too annoyed with. 

but basketball, josh couldn't help rolling his eyes behind the rim of his coffee cup. basketball until 3am was a bit excessive, and if they'd had a show today he'd care a little more, maybe feel more like making a big deal out of it. but instead he shrugged it off and nudged tyler's shoe with his own, told him to keep it down. a small part of him hoped tyler would notice he'd been a little off, notice something. but tyler only ruffled josh's hair on his way out, and josh scrolled through his phone to keep his thoughts off who tyler was undoubtedly on his way to see. didn't help much that the majority of twitter was clogged with elation over jon's joining the tour and his newfound friendship with tyler. he scowled petulantly, locked his phone, sighed through his nose. it wasn't like he was going to say anything, he might as well just deal with it. jon would be gone after this leg and they'd probably never have to see him again. tyler was just excited, josh could sacrifice his best friend every now and then for the next three months. 

so he decided to give jon a chance. who knew, maybe he'd fall for the guy, too. when the sarcastic thought passed through his mind the day before tour began, he stopped short. what if that's what this was all about? was tyler interested in jon? he glanced out onstage at the two of them, blowing off proper rehearsal in favor of a half-hearted rendition of some currently overplayed pop song josh had forgotten the name of. it'd make sense. though josh wondered vaguely if the interest was returned, his eyes shifting from his bandmate to jon, the way jon laughed at tyler's purposefully off-key singing. something flickered deep inside him, something different from this faint jealousy he'd become accustomed to. he didn't quite know what to do with it, but he knew he didn't want jon looking at tyler like that. only he wasn't sure why. 

things carried on as planned. tour began the next night, sold out show. 

jon played. and josh studied him. 

studied the way his lips formed around the words to the songs josh had already begrudgingly memorized, lips that he wasn't imagining pressed against his skin. he studied jon's hands, the way they moved so quickly and effortlessly, and didn't wonder what they'd feel like slipping under the fabric of his t-shirt. he studied jon's hair, the way it looked in all the different colors of the set lights (he didn't think to himself that any color suited jon). he studied jon's eyes most of all, the way they flicked from person to person, face to face, corner to corner of the venue, and he let himself imagine them. brown eyes, somewhat lighter than his own, half-closed and dreamy, staring down from some blissful place above him. and then suddenly the hands and lips were there, too, and the dim white glow of moonlight falling across dark hair. any color indeed. and josh couldn't believe his own mind, couldn't believe his own thoughts could betray him like this. but was it really a betrayal? he shut down any further thought on the matter, he didn't like jon. at all. he just had an unfortunately overactive imagination, all there was to it. most likely just the result of his earlier theory, the thoughts of tyler and jon possibly being involved drifting around in his mind and spawning absurd images. 

josh pulled himself out of his musings and forced his mind to focus on the music. jon's voice really was a thing of beauty, he had to admit. it was completely different from anything he'd heard, it made him feel something. something nameless again, something he didn't quite understand but recognized. he searched his mind, zeroed in. the only voice to ever have this effect on him was tyler's. though this was slightly different. there was something in jon's voice that settled every nerve and spark in josh's bones, the unavoidable pre-show apprehension that followed him state to state. tyler's voice always calmed his overactive mind, to an extent. he'd always blamed it on some underlying fondness, something he'd decided a long time ago not to analyze. but maybe those feelings had finally slipped away somewhere in between all the miles, he realized he hadn't paid much mind to them lately. his thoughts had been elsewhere, and exactly where was becoming clear now.

the effects of jon's voice only went so far, josh noticed, as his chest tightened almost imperceptibly. not an anxiety attack, nothing too serious. but the feeling of understanding settling in, which was still disconcerting all the same. had he been fooling himself all this time? did he really care so much who tyler spent his time with? if he was into jon? 

that. that was the one. but his perspective had been off, he was in the wrong starting place. he decided that yes, he could honestly say the idea of tyler preferring jon's company over his own was the original issue. but it had quickly morphed into something much deeper, and tyler had dropped out of the equation a long time ago. 

josh slipped from the sidelines into the dark comfort of backstage, where he was the last thing on anyone's mind. he had too much to think about to be having an epiphany right now. this could wait. 

but it didn't. hard as he tried, josh couldn't keep slow motion replays of jon out of his mind as he drummed, poured everything he had into his own performance. it was a wonder he didn't screw up. he was grateful his hands knew the songs as well as he did, as frequently as his mind kept slipping into other places, places it shouldn't be right now. but no matter how many times he refocused, he still saw lips and hands and hair. he felt eyes. not the eyes of the crowd, not tyler, not the crew. he had no way of knowing if it was justified or if he was only being paranoid, but a tiny part of his mind took satisfaction in the thought that maybe there were brown eyes watching him from somewhere after all. 

if jon hadn't noticed anything strange about josh before, he was sure to now. plain and simple jealousy was a welcome feeling compared to this, and josh wasn't sure how to manage it. if he spent less time around jon, he'd probably notice, wonder if he'd done something. josh didn't want that. but if he started hanging around him too much, started insinuating himself into his free time like tyler had, would that be more of a shock? he might not know what to do with josh being so amiable, and the thought sent a twinge of regret through him. he could kick himself for being so petulant, first of all for not realizing what was going on in his own head and secondly for being such a douche. he hadn't been flatout rude, but jon had probably wondered where the overly friendly josh was that everyone always talked about. josh loves everybody! oh, except you, because you're spending too much time with tyler. except it really doesn't have anything to do with tyler at all, josh just wants all your time and attention for himself. he wanted to bang his head against a wall. 

though, as it turned out, josh didn't have to do anything. if he didn't know any better, he'd have guessed it was written all over his face, the way jon's attitude changed so drastically. suddenly tyler was something of very little interest, save for rehearsals and occasional basketball. the center of jon's attention had been traded in for his counterpart, and josh didn't know what to take from it. maybe it was the fact that josh had finally stopped shooting daggers at him across the room, or the numbers they'd finally exchanged, or the few extra words he offered when he passed jon in a hallway. he'd tried to be subtle, tried to gradually warm up to him so he wouldn't notice anything straight away. lot of good that did. jon was everywhere, giving him that overly confident half-smile, hands in his pockets and eyes trained on josh. 

he refused to dwell on the idea that maybe jon had been waiting for josh to come around. that he'd been hoping the older boy would finally give him a chance. the thought sparked too-warm feelings deep in his bones. 

it turned out tyler had noticed, apparently. "you wouldn't have a thing in the world to do with him for weeks, and now you're being all," he shrugged, "nice to him? i dunno, josh, i thought maybe you just didn't like the guy, i wasn't gonna pry or anything. i mean, you usually tell me right off the bat if you hate somebody, it's rare," he noted, perched on the edge of a bunk as josh paced incessantly along the narrow aisle. "but now i'm just confused." josh stopped in front of him, scowled. "i never hated him." tyler sighed through his nose, "you're missing my point." 

he jumped down from the bunk and studied josh for a moment, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. josh blinked, "what?" the corner of tyler's mouth tugged up a bit, "you like him, don't you?" 

josh supposed he didn't have the reaction tyler was looking for to signal he was wrong, that josh had no interest in jon. he broke into a full grin, shoved josh lightly, "i knew it!" and before josh had a chance to protest, "what are you gonna do?" josh hesitated a moment, then sighed. no point in denying, tyler knew him like the back of his hand. he could've done without the smug smile, though. 

"nothing? i'm not screwing up the tour for a crush," he turned to search for a clean shirt in one of the bunks. he didn't have to look at tyler to see the agitated expression on his best friend's face. tyler had been at him for months to just try something, he hated seeing josh alone. he could hear it now, now that you're into somebody, why don't you just give it a shot? what's the worst that could happen, he says no? 

even if he thought jon would shoot him down, which for some reason he truly didn't, he couldn't bring himself to just ask. boldness and natural confidence were traits josh had missed out on. jon had them in abundance, but if he never did more than smirk in josh's general direction and look him up and down every once in a while, this wasn't going to amount to anything more than a fleeting attraction. not that josh minded too terribly. the idea of a relationship, especially one on tour, was bittersweet, to say the least. 

he managed to get tyler off his back about it, to go on about his own business, and tour proceeded uneventfully for a few days. for this josh was grateful. they all had more pressing things to worry about than his infatuation with the opening act. 

but it was only those few quiet days before jon was back to invading. invading everything, josh's thoughts, his plans, his sanity. he was everywhere, and josh wasn't sure if it was a bad thing. he couldn't suppress that flicker of something that he'd begun to associate with jon's presence. usually it was maddening and calming all at once, and left him happily confused. 

but days like these made it difficult for even jon's charm to break through, regardless of how alone they were, how close he was currently walking to josh. he could feel his presence, could feel the lack of space between the hands hanging between them at their sides, swing his hand a little to the left and his skin would graze jon's. but he could also feel the pressure of all this, the pressure of these nights. sometimes it grew too heavy. the expectations nearly cracked his chest, the way they pressed in, and he felt faint. every imperfection in the show he'd just played crowded around his mind, crawled down his throat. 

he couldn't do this here, not like this. he had to get back to the bus. "i..." the words wouldn't fit through his throat, and neither would air. josh backed up against the wall, face in his hands, until his hands were being pulled away and jon was there, too quickly, too close. he'd been ready, he'd noticed. normally the thought would send something sharp and burning down josh's spine, but now it only reminded him of why they were here. 

"hey, hey," and there was that feeling again, small and insignificant compared to the crushing weight on his chest, but there. a thread of comfort within the chaos. he shut his eyes tightly, his hands shook in jon's grip. jon pressed josh's palm into the center of his chest, and josh's eyes fluttered open. jon murmured something that sounded vaguely like close, accompanied by the thumb of his free hand tracing a line alongside the corner of josh's left eye, and he obliged. "focus on my heartbeat, breathe," the quickened pace under josh's fingers was steadying, and he wondered where jon learned this. 

"can't feel, my arms," it was barely a whisper, but jon's hand was already gripping josh's again, squeezing. "you feel that?" josh just nodded sharply, trying to inhale through his nose, trying to feel jon's heart, his hand. 

jon's fingers slid up to josh's forearm, stopped and gripped again. "feel that?" josh could feel the electricity in his bones begin to abate, he released a shaky breath and nodded again, eyes still shut against the bright fluorescent lights of the hallway. jon's fingers moved more slowly, up to his bicep, gently pressed into his skin. josh nodded without waiting for the question. his breathing was beginning to even out, reality rushing back in and with it a sudden awareness of their close proximity. fingers grazed his shoulder, his collarbones, his neck. "you feel me?" josh could feel the whisper on his skin and his throat felt tight for a new, safer reason. 

josh's eyes blinked carefully open, found jon's staring intently back at him with a mix of concern and relief. josh nodded, hand still pressed against jon's heart. he opened his mouth to say something, anything, to thank him, but jon beat him to it. "close your eyes again for me," and between for me and the thumb still grazing his jaw, josh indulged him. 

he waited. jon sighed softly, almost an amused sound. "stop me if you want," and it was the only warning josh got before lips brushed against his and the heartbeat beneath his fingers sped up to match his own. there was a part of josh's mind that was too overwhelmed to register what was happening, to register the way jon's lips moved and how they felt the way they looked when he sang. a part of his mind that found its way back to that first night, to the spontaneous imaginings of what this would feel like, what jon would feel like, lips somewhat chapped and hand warm on josh's waist. it'd all lived in josh's imagination up to this moment and the reality didn't disappoint. 

the contact was broken too soon, and josh held back a whine. his eyes remained closed, an invitation to resume. jon only murmured, "did you feel that?" and josh felt too blissfully lightheaded to laugh, felt weak in the loveliest way. the most he could offer was a content hum. his free hand had found a grip on jon's shoulder and he was almost afraid to let go for fear his legs might not support him yet. as if he knew, jon only tightened his fingers around josh's hip, eliciting a soft smile from the older boy. 

josh's eyes finally opened again, jon's still stared back. josh's fingers curled against his chest, and jon loosened his grip. josh stepped away from the wall a bit, erased more of the small space between them. jon loosely tangled his fingers in josh's, and his eyes flicked down, studying. josh didn't know what to say, or do. part of him wanted to tell jon to do that again, and to not stop until they ended up in an abandoned bunk somewhere on one of their tour buses. the other part wanted to stay here, lean into him again and feel his heartbeat, see if it was still racing. 

"took you long enough," he finally managed, voice raw. jon's laugh reverberated deep inside him, josh had wondered too many times what it'd be like to hear it so close like this, just for him. his face felt warm, he didn't want to meet jon's eyes, not until he was surer of this. jon's forehead bumped against his own, and josh was forced to look up. jon blinked, "sorry for the wait," and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, smiled in response when he felt it turn upward. 

so these hidden moments in deserted hallways and empty tour buses replaced bitter musings and thinly veiled hostility. they traded rooms of awkward silence for tight spaces cloaked in darkness and want, abandoned stubbornness in favor of giving in and letting things fall into place the way they'd been attempting to for months. 

and josh was happy, if tyler hadn't already noticed the obvious change between the two he'd have noticed that easily enough. josh was always in relatively good spirits, but the difference was night and day, josh was happy, all distracted smiles and fond eyes. and tyler felt a deep gratitude to jon for giving the older boy what he never could. 

for now, the serious things never crossed josh's mind. who should know, how careful they should be. for now it was just the two of them, and the rest was insignificant. all that did matter was space, and keeping as little between them as possible. and skin, and memorizing as much of it as they could with rushed, overeager hands. and sounds, and attempts to minimize their volume, in hushed tones and muffled laughter, in between moments of carelessness in which sounds became a game of whose were louder. stories and musings at unholy hours, when everything was finally still again and heartbeats returned to a steady pace, fingers carding through hair and tracing tattoos. 

josh's mind had never done any of it justice. the lips and hands and hair, the difference in that voice when it was whispering soft nothings in his ear, the fact that movements onstage were nothing compared to movements between cheap too-thin sheets, and how the noises he'd imagined had never measured up to what wandering hands elicited at 4am. 

but he'd also underestimated all the deeper effects of this, of letting someone in like this. he had a safety net now, a security. something steadier than friendship, something that would keep catching him no matter how hard he fell, and he reveled in it. this was something he felt sure of, it was one of the few things that josh didn't feel were constantly slipping through his fingers. 

for once, josh felt like things were as they should be. sure, there was always something right about touring, about this lifestyle they'd made their own. it's where he'd always been meant to end up, he knew it. but there were plenty of factors in a life like this that josh felt unsure of. some bad, like public speeches and interviews and rude photographers. some good, like setlists and opening acts. the majority of these were left up to chance, to other people's whims and wants. it was rare they got a say in the particularly important things. but every now and then, the choice would fall to them. and he was glad after all that tyler chose jon.