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'Trixie! I heard you produced a corporeal patronus? That's amazing, congratulations!'
'Well you heard wrong'.
'What? But... Winifred said...'
'You. Heard. Wrong. And I don't want to talk about it. I'll just never put myself in a situation where dementors are likely to appear that's all. I have to go'.
'Oh... alright... See you later then'.
'Whatever's the matter with her do you suppose?'
'Well... promise you won't tell anyone Patsy'.
'Of course I won't Barbara! Trixie's my best friend, I'd never spread gossip about her!'
'Alright, well, I was there when she produced the patronus and... It was fully corporeal but... well, it was a blobfish'.
'It was what?'
'A blobfish. It's a sort of deep sea fish. A pinkish colour, a bit like bare flesh, if it had never seen sunlight. Rather... gelatinous looking. Strange, grumpy looking sort of face. They aren't exactly glamorous to say the least. Trixie was horribly embarrassed'.
'Oh poor Trixie, how awful! There must be some mistake. She said the spell wrong or something. Or she wasn't thinking of a properly happy memory. It can't really be her patronus'.
'I don't think that's how it works... If you get the spell wrong it just produces mist, or nothing at all. I don't think it can create a whole wrong animal'.
'But your patronus is supposed to match your character isn't it? It's like an animagus form. Trixie couldn't be embodied by a blobfish! She'd be an artic fox, or a panther... something graceful and wild and beautiful, but a bit dangerous'.
'I can only tell you what I saw Patsy. It sort of... plopped out the end of her wand and landed with a wet noise on the ground. It was quite disgusting actually'.
'...Wait a bit. Trixie hasn't done anything to get on the wrong side of Sirius Black recently has she?'
'I don't think s- actually yes, now I think about it. She said something last night about him and James' practical jokes being... what was it? Puerile and tiresome I think. I heard her giving them a real dressing down outside the library after dinner, because one of their messier ideas had just exploded and splashed her new shoes. It got a bit heated. You know how sharp tongued Trixie can be'.
'I know very well. That explains it – come on Babs, we have to catch Trixie before she uses that wand again'.
...............
'Trixie, at last! I've been... looking all... over... for you. Sorry, I'm... quite out.... of... breath. Give me... a minute... phew'.
'Patsy? Why do you look like your head has been replaced by a beetroot?'
'Oh that's nice. I'll have you know... I'm a little flushed... because I just ran up five flights of stairs... to catch you before transfiguration… when you were bound to use your wand. You're... welcome'.
'My wand? Well of course I'm going to use my wand, I'm a witch, it rather comes with the territory. What are you babbling about? Have you been confunded?'
'No I have not! I just need to see your wand a minute, I promise you'll thank me for it later'.
'Well, alright. But if you keep gibbering this incoherently I'm taking you to the hospital wing. I don't need you permanently spell damaged, you're hard enough to live with already'.
'And you should enter a charm contest. Look, it's exactly as I thought. You mustn't use this again Trixie. I am going to murder that boy'.
'Could you please explain what's going on before I give in to the urge to murder you for being so irritatingly obscure?
'Sorry. Right. Well, Barbara told me what happened earlier, with your patronus'.
'That little sneak, she had no right!'
'She was worried about you! And she made me promise not to tell anyone else, she just thought I'd be able to comfort you better than she could. You do scare the younger ones when you get fierce Trixie. But that isn't the point. Your patronus isn't really a blobfish'.
'SHHHH. I don't go shouting about your flirting with the hufflepuff keeper in the corridors, the least you could do is repay me in kind and keep your voice down when you say... that word '.
'Alright, sorry. But that's the point, it isn't real. It's just one of Sirious Black's practical jokes – getting you back for insulting him yesterday. I expect he felt the need to do some damage control on his ego – you know he's got a hopeless crush on you'.
'Yes, well luckily I have more self respect than to even consider dating a boy who shows affection with acts of hostility. But are you really sure? How could it be him? He wasn't even there, and it was my spell...'
'It's this wand. Look, it's a good imitation but this isn't yours, it doesn't have the dent on the handle from where Chummy stepped on it in first year'.
'You're right... and now I really look at it, the colour's the slightest bit off too. And I think it's a bit on the short side. Whose is it? And where's mine??'
'I suspect this is a trick wand – a bit more sophisticated than the old rubber chicken ones, but the same principle. I expect whatever spell you attempt it finds a way to warp and make something embarrassing happen. So if you cast wingardium leviosa you'd probably find your robes flying over your head instead of levitating whatever you were aiming at, and if you cast expecto patronum, you get the most embarrassing creature imaginable. As for your wand... In Black's room I expect. Siruis is probably planning to sleep with it under his pillow'.
'I jolly well hope he does, maybe I'd be able to make it shoot sparks in his face just by thinking about it. But are you really sure about this? What if I get my wand back and my patronus is still a... you know'.
'Well there's one way to find out. Here, take my wand and give it a go. There's no one here to see'.
'I'm not sure I'll be able to do it with your wand. That was my first corporeal patronus and it might only have worked because of that thing he replaced my wand with'.
'You won't know unless you try'.
'Alright... thanks Patsy'.
...............
'Oh Trixie... it's beautiful! What is that? A lynx?'
'A snow leopard I think. Isn't she magnificent? Oh Patsy, thank you so much! I never thought I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror again without seeing that hideous thing staring back at me with it's horrid bulbous eyes and droopy mouth... I'm so relieved! I hate to think that he's going to get away with this though'.
'So maybe we shouldn't let him'.
...............
'Hippogriff'.
'Correct, in you go dears'.
'Hello Trixie, cast any interesting spells lately?'
'Oh hello Sirius. You look very amused about something. Yes as a matter of fact I have. Look'.
'Whoa, what is that thing? It's enormous! You're not allowed to cast engorgio on pets... why is it looking at me like that?'
'This isn't a normal cat Sirius. No, this is a snow leopard. My snow leopard. And she takes exception to people stealing my things. Get him'.
'Oh hell, call it off!!'
WEEEEOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEOOOOOOOEEEEEEEOOOOOOO
'Oh dear. I think you might have just attempted your terrified fleeing from my entirely harmless patronus up the wrong staircase. That would be the girls' dormitories you were heading towards. The stairs don't appreciate intruders'.
'Your patronus? It can't be... your wand! I mean... um... ah'.
'I borrowed Patsy's wand, since the one in my possession had been tampered with. And for that I was all set to hang your insides around the common room as decoration, but seeing your look of abject terror has put me in rather a good mood. If you go and get my wand right now I won't project this memory in all it's high-pitched-wailing glory on the Great Hall ceiling tomorrow morning during breakfast. I assure you I know the charm. Cynthia is quite the studious little Ravenclaw and she's always happy to share her research'.
'Alright... I'll get it'.
'Do you know Patsy, I think I might just have found my new patronus casting happy memory'.