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“AUGH!” Guttural noises, incoherent to all but yourself, spill out of your mouth as you stalk over to your dorm room. You snatch keys out of the pocket your red pullover, trying to ignore the echos of your anguish that seem so loud in the empty hallway. With an exasperated huff, and more than forceful turn, the lock clicks open. You enter to a quiet space, it feels utterly still against the feverish cacophony within you. Marching forward you run your fingers through black bangs, hands trembling, wishing you were anything but alone. The thought of him flashes in mind, bringing a rush of heat to your face. “Ugh!” You make it through the door of your shared room and slam it closed. You ball your hand into a fist and slam it against the door after for good measure.
Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT! You hate feeling like this, like you’re banging against a old worn instrument desperate to create some type of sound again. A tiredness washes over you that makes you want to burst into tears. No! No more tears for his sake. You are done crying over him. Riven hasn’t matured a day since high school, always taking three steps forward and seven steps back. You walk over to your bed and flop face first onto it, nudging off your sneakers with your feet. Relishing in the loud thunk they make hitting the floor. You can’t help but think back to the day you first saw him. Your hair, short and out of the way, nothing to deafen that rhythmic thump in your heart when you both locked eyes. Back then the whole bad boy cliche was attractive. Like a tightly wound music box just waiting for the right person to play his song to. You wanted to be that person and you were. Things were going good, in the best of times you would hear a few notes of him and see the real Riven. Other times all you hear is an angry silence. And now…
You hear your door being opened, along with the ruffle of clothing and slight shuffle of feet. The dorm room was supposed to be emptied for a while after a spontaneous Stella shopping trip was called in the group chat. You thought you were-
“Musa, are you okay?” Flora’s voice. You roll onto your back and tilt you head up a bit, just to see over your body. There she stands, only a sliver of her peeking out from behind the door, like she’s not sure if she will be welcomed in. You set your head back down letting out just a small sigh patting the space beside you, an invitation. She takes it. Your eyes keep to the ceiling while Flora sets herself beside you. The weight of the bed tips a bit towards her, you hear breathing, a soft exhale and inhale. Her own personal rhythm, you wonder briefly if that it is the music fairy side of you noticing this or the musician in you. A sharp inhale disrupts the tempo.
“I heard you come in. Is everything alright?” You snort, your head tilts toward her. She looks so timid, dolled up in a white summer dress dotted with coin sized embroidered strawberries. You bet she’s afraid you’ll lash out at her, spitting with fury in the manner you arrived. Nah, the anger feels quieter now, frustration and hurt feelings still trying to find their place in the symphony within yourself.
“Its Riven, he- he’s just being an ass as usual-” Your throat dries up. Ha, a bitter part of you laughs, yeah its ‘as usual’ now isn’t it. You avert your gaze. You attempt to turn your head as well, but Flora reaches out to cup your cheek, she keeps your face toward her. You don’t pull away, locking eyes once more.
“That can’t just be it, what did he do to upset you like this?” she gently prods. You squint your eyes for a second, breathing in deeply through your nose. You really want to tell her, to get this off your chest. Though if you do that there is ninety percent chance you will burst into tears half way through. Her thumb makes slow swipes against you cheek. The spots behind your eyes burn a little more. Well, you figure if one person had to see you like this, you don’t mind it being her. You open your mouth as you are about to speak and pause, taking a moment to quickly gather your muddled thoughts.
“He’s- He is just so prideful, and honestly it was hot at first. Being with a guy so confident in his abilities. He used to be so sure of himself, of us, but now it’s like he feels constantly threatened. Trying to prove himself at every opportunity, picking fights with anyone he can goad into a challenge. And like I said I use to find it attractive, and if I was still in high school maybe I still would.”
You take a couple of breaths, mentally steeling yourself for what you are about to say next. You feel a hand on your shoulder. Eyes keep with hers. You hope she sees the appreciation for the gesture.
“Sometimes I feel like I failed this relationship. I wanted to know more about Riven. From the moment I saw him I wanted to know more. Who he was underneath that guarded exterior? What made him want to try so hard? His insecurities, dreams, his heart... And eventually I learned all of that and I loved him even more for it. I thought we were going to grow together, even through all our petty arguments and couple’s spats. I thought we both were learning and maturing ourselves together. Hell, most of the time I was putting my needs second to be there for him; to make him feel happy and secure. That’s what relationships are about, right? Loving each other and making each other happy.” Your eyes waiver from the look in her eyes then stray.
You take this moment to sit up and face toward her. Your weight braced on you strumming arm, hand clenching the sheets, you fear they might tear. Catching her gaze once more, you feel your voice’s stress on the next words out of your mouth.
“Well I’m not happy Flora, for more than a couple times in this relationship I truly haven’t been.” You raise your hand and swipe under your sniffling nose. “You wanna know why I’m here like this? It’s because he ignores me, snaps at me. Riven thinks the missions we all go on are stupid and a waste of his time. When for me, that’s practically the only time I get to see him.” You blink a bit, the stinging behind you eyes momentarily pausing you. “You know, sometimes I catch he and Aiesha alone in the training room together and I see a spark of passion in his eyes he just doesn’t have whenever he is with me lately. And-”
You stop completely when a fresh bout of tears runs down your cheeks. Your hands rush up to wipe them away. Heat rushing to your face.
“Damn it I-“you are cut off by her warm hands cupping your cheeks. Surprise catches your words in your throat as her thumbs wipe carefully under your eyes. You look at Flora, her mouth downcast, mossy green eyes staring at your flushed wet cheeks with a shared sadness that makes your tears come out a just bit harder. She mercifully doesn’t mention the stray hiccups slipping from your mouth. With saying anything, she moves her hands along the side of your face, tangling her fingers in your hair. Your eyes meet again. You can only imagine the whirl of emotions she sees in them. Probably a lot of sad ones. You feel her hands guide you downward toward her lap. You kind of just flop onto your side, landing your head on the soft folds of the dress that covers her thighs. In the process her hands are dislodged from you head momentarily. You nuzzle your head into her, sniffling and wiping at your eyes still. One hand is back, running her fingers through your long hair. The other finds its home on your cheek again, brushing stray tears away. Your eyes close, tears slowly dribbling from of them. Flora pets on with long strides running her palm down your head, then sinking her finger into your black locks till they end. She continues this, the repetitiveness of the gesture develops a rhythm. You match your breathing to her strides. In. Out. In. Out.
brushhhhh.
brushhhhhhhhhhhh.
brushhhhh.
brushhhhhhhhhhhh.
Your tears slow, a hand shakily reaches up, clenching the strawberry cloth beside your head. You take a long shaky, breath.
You voice takes on a quieter tone than before as you confess “Sorry. I didn’t think I’d cry again.”
Flora’s petting never falters.” What is wrong with crying?”
You open your no doubt puffy eyes slightly and clench her dress a little tighter. “Nothing. I just didn’t want to waste anymore tears on him.”
“But are you are crying for him or yourself?”
“Hmn?”
She hesitates for the briefest of seconds before continuing, “Stop me if I step out of line but, I think that you’re crying over the pent-up sadness and stress in your heart, and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not fair that you put everything into your relationship only to get hurt by it. You don’t deserve that.” She takes a deep breath before continuing.
“Riven doesn’t deserve you. And it hurts to see how much you suffer over him. You know I’ve only ever wanted to see you happy” You look up at Flora and there is such soft look on her face. She doesn’t quite seem to be looking at you but even now she continues to run her fingers through your hair.
“Musa, you are so talented and wonderful. Growing up with you these past few years haven’t been easy. With all the dimensional domination and adventures all of us have been on, but I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything in the magic dimension.” Your gazes meet and for some reason a blush starts to form on your face. You- you feel so vulnerable for some reason even though she is the one pouring out her feelings. She removes her hand from your hair and places it upon yours. You stop gripping her dress and gently hold her hand your eyes never leaving hers. She looks away first mouth parted slightly, her brow furrows.
“Musa… if Riven isn’t making you happy. You know we’d be here for you. I-I’d be here for you. As long as you’d have me.” She still doesn’t look at you, her cheeks have reddened a bit. You don’t say anything.
You turn your head and look at your intertwined hands. She isn’t wearing any nail polish, she rarely does. She says it always ends up chipping off while she’s gardening. Breaking up for good. It’s a thought that has always crossed your mind. You’ve taken breaks from each other, but it has never lasted. Either Riven does something romantic and sincere enough where you forgive him or you apologize for something to then fall back into his arms like always. Flora’s hand fidgets a bit, you give it a light squeeze to show that you are all right just… thinking. She stops, there is an intake of breath you look over, her face still rosy is slightly turned away.
“There is nothing wrong with being single. Contrary to what Stella would say.” That last bit was muttered. You squeeze her hand again to grab her attention. She finally looks and sees the confusion on your face. Her eyes widen.
“ah- “She stops short, her pink lips purse as she struggles to find the words to say. You think she’s wearing a tinted lip gloss, pink, in the back of your mind you wonder if its strawberry flavored.
“It’s, ah, it’s just that everyone aside from Aisha and I are in a relationship right now. Though I don’t know how long that will last with those two paladins perusing her. I- it’s like none of us are never not in a relationship.” She has a point, once you entered Alfea in your first year you met riven early on. Even though he had that thing with Darcy, he still chose you.
“We are in college now and so much has happened since high school. We saved the world on multiple occasions, became celebrities, all while juggling school work and relationships. I don’t know, sometimes I just want to work with my plants and do my own thing. How long has it been since you had the chance to work on your own music?”
You immediately think back to the brief time on Earth. The band that was formed as a ploy to get close to Roxy. Nothing serious. You remember briefly about trying to start up a music career on Earth with that talent agent, but once the situation with Roxy was dealt with. You and the Winx left. You never saw Andy again. It was something like relief getting Riven away from the object of his jealousy. Even with every assurance nothing was happening between you and he but sweet music. You just… A deep sigh leaves your chest. Flora’s thumb rubs the back of your hand. You bring your focus back to her.
“Yeah, it has been a while.” Try as you might, your words trail off and your mind wanders still. Every single attempt to start something pertaining to your music has only lasted for a short period. Then you are forced to put your efforts elsewhere because the latest evil has sprung up and somehow has a personal vendetta against you and your friends. Or Bloom feels self-righteous enough to convince all of you that the Winx must be the ones to defeat the newest baddie in Magix. “Everything just moves so quickly. Like there is no time to breathe.” You gesture vaguely in the direction of Stella’s room with your hand. “Just look at Stella. She’s trying to run a literal boutique in her dorm room.” You go back to really looking at Flora from your spot on her lap. Your eyes go over the slight upturned curve of her nose that you found matches her sister Miele. A flawlessly painted make up dusts her skin, all done with a spell Stella taught her. Long honey blond and caramel hair that you know she braids up every night act as a curtain, framing her in your vision. This girl above you, the nature fairy that you’ve seen gain more confidence over the years is someone dear to you. You mull over your next words, desperate not to hurt her, never her. “Look, I do love Alfea, but getting new magic after magic isn’t my passion. Music is! And, well… I don’t know, I’ve sort of thought about it and maybe, maybe I should look into perusing that more.” You take a second to swallow. “I’ve thought about it. About attending a college for music.”
“…You’d leave?” The look on her face as those words leave her mouth isn’t one of hurt. Its thoughtful, you think. Her thumb glides across your knuckles. A tension leaves your shoulders that you didn’t realize was there and you wonder. Do you want to leave? To leave the Winx, the Alfea teachers, the school you’ve come to know and love?
“Yes.” The sound of your voice startles you a bit, you didn’t realize you said that aloud. But, you don’t take back your word. You mean it. That’s your answer.
Flora lets out a steady “hmmmm…” she doesn’t say anything else after that, but the slight squeeze of your hand means plenty. A silence hangs over the both of you for a moment or two. It’s nothing uncomfortable, what was said, what you both shared with each other needed to be digested. You roll off her lap, a specific warmth disappearing from under your head. You position yourself on your back, off center, atop your bed. You pat the space between you now. An invitation to fill it. You clasp your hands behind your head, glancing over to see Flora lay down as well. She rests on her side, head propped up by her elbow. Your eyes trail to the dip of her waist, then lower to the bit of exposed thigh where her dress rode up a bit revealing a well-known tan line. You remember flora’s embarrassment at having to wear a swimsuit when you all were younger and she was a bit less confident. She hated the look of her uneven tan lines, leaving odd guides that highlighted her limbs and her midriff. Like joint lines on the dolls you use to play with when you were younger. If the definition of playing meant setting up an audience with missing limbs and messily cut hair during a “performance”. What can you say, it was dangerous in your concert pits. You let your eyes drift close and your breathing even. You’ve known what you wanted to do since you were young. Its almost a little frustrating that instead of the title Musa, renowned musician, fairy of music, and forever a Winx. You feel stuck as Musa, Winx club’s fairy of music. You know what your dreams are. Why haven’t you realized them yet? A light touch ghosts over your bicep. You look to Flora. She places her free hand in the space between you.
“Do you feel a bit better.” You purse your lips for a second but you know what you your answer.
“Yeah, yeah I do.” You actually chuckle a bit. Flora smiles immediately at the sound. “It’s kind of funny how we started off talking about how much of a jerk Riven is to whether or not I want to leave Alfea.” The subject changes definitely helped. Even if you feel a bit more confused about your choices in life, you aren’t mad anymore. For now, at least. A softly chuckled huff comes from her, head dropping from her hand to lay on her upper arm.
“Good, that’s good.” Her eyes crinkle a bit when she smiles at you, warmth fills your chest at the sight. You feel just a bit bad for having her to listen to you through your whirl wind of emotions. You won’t forget this. A tune comes to mind, one that your late mother use to sing to you after a storm passed on Melody. A song to say farewell give appreciation to the rain. You start to hum. Pulling an old tune from memory to your lips. Things stay like that. The sound or you humming, Flora breathing, and the quiet that so rarely befalls your dorm room. This right here, these is the kind of moments you wish you could have had more with Riven. Those were far and few in-between. To just exist in silence and warm company.
You look over, still humming, to see Flora with her eyes closed. She looks so peaceful, her chest rising and falling like an accordion. Face half buried in her stretched out arm and the bed. You remove a hand from under your head and reach over to thumb a lock of her hair. Her eyes remain closed even as you bring that lock to your lips, just to feel it against the buzz of your hum. Flora has always had the longest hair of the group. Before you started growing yours out you never thought of the time and care that went into maintain long hair. You wonder if it was a Lymphean thing to keep your hair super long. You imagine it’s inconvenient when being outside in hot days. You wonder if you should ask, since she is here. You stopped humming at this point. Your mind wandering again to the fairy in front of you. Her eyes open, looking at you with a lock of her hair held between your fingers. You keep hold, but pull her hair away from your mouth in with slight embarrassment. You both start the beginnings of a smile, and share a quiet laugh at the unintentional synchronization. She breaks eye contact first, reaching for the hand that clutches her hair like a fine silk cloth. Her hand lays atop yours, a warm feeling spreads throughout your cheeks. You get an urge to let go of her hair and grasp her hand. You do. You bring her hand towards your lips. It’s a chaste kiss, but the pink that forms on Floras face is unmistakable.
“Thank you for staying with me for so long.” You breathe the words out, your breath tickling the back of her hand.
“Yeah…” She looks a little dazed, her eyes still trained on her hand. You let go and sit up.
“Even though I came in here to be alone, I’m happy you came to check up on me. Really, I’m glad you’re here” Flora sits up, you turn your head towards her, cheeks still tinted pink, not quite looking you in the eye. She says nothing, her brows furrow and she to be steeling herself for something. Maybe you went a bit far with kissing her hand. It felt like the right thank you, but that’s the last time you do something like that on impulse. You move to sit up.
“Hey, Flo- “ You are cut off by lips. Her soft slightly tacky lips. Mind brought to a fermata, waiting for further direction. Flora pulls back just as quickly as it started, she stands up and heads to the door. She’s leaving? Thoughts slow to play as you will yourself to say something before she leaves.
“F-Flora wait!” She stills the hand outreached for the door. She takes it back and clutches it towards her chest. She looks back, but only slightly, her face obscured by a curtain of hair.
“I’m glad you feel better. Could you please forget about that.” Her voice comes out quiet and breathless. She turns back and the door opens. Flora’s shoulders jolt in surprise. Tecna starts to walk in, but she stills for only a second at the realization her room isn’t empty, before continuing.
“Hello Flora, Musa. Are you on your way out?” She nods at you and directs that last question towards Flora. She nods without saying anything, then proceeds to leave. Tecna spares her one last glance before looking towards you.
“Is she okay? Her face was really red.” You feel yourself nod, eyes never leaving the door.
“Are YOU okay?” this time you do look at Tecna, arms crossed over a purple vest.
“Yeah, I was just a bit distracted.” You swipe your tongue over your lips.
They taste like strawberries.