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The faint light coming from under Carl's bedroom door is worrisome. He shouldn't be awake in the middle of the night. Neither should Rick, but he is the adult here. Carl should be sleeping. Recharging his batteries for the next day. That's what he read somewhere. Well, he's not stupid he knows that children and teenagers need a good nights sleep. Especially during stressful and troubling times. Comparing children to inanimate objects was interesting. Not interesting enough to check if that is a new trend in parenting books or just in the one he was handed.
He isn't sure what Carl does when he can't sleep. The fact that Rick is roaming the house at night is one of the reasons why he hasn't talked to Carl yet. He is already a bunch of things he doesn't want to add hypocrite. The red rimmed eyes of his son in the morning do make him feel bad. His own problems shouldn't be in the way of being there for his kids.
To be honest it is also a little comforting that Rick isn't the only one not sleeping. Sometimes he wishes that Judith wasn't such a good sleeper. A toddler with a terrible sleep cycle would be the perfect excuse for when people tell him that he looks tired. Which is terribly rude of them. True but rude.
“...Just the other day we were joking about things I shouldn't repeat on air. It's a goddamn tragedy he left us so soon. We should have a moment of silence.”
Great, the perfect radio channel for his mood. Although the radio host sounds a little too cheerful about the loss of whoever he is talking about. Rick thought only morning hosts are awfully happy. During his night shifts he always only heard soothing and drowsy voices.
“In memory of the bastard who went on to a better place, or so he thinks, because let us be honest he won't go far without my help. This one goes out for Joey. You fat, ungrateful, disloyal bastard. Enjoy your new job and don't you dare come crawling back. You are dead to me.”
Rick can't stop the laugh that escapes him.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“... I'm not sure if I should be flattered or offended. Probably offended but I do love me some attention.”
He never really listened to the radio unless is was for the news and weather. During shifts Shane was in charge of the station since he had a lot of strong opinions about music. For Rick it was white noise.
“... I never met her, which we should totally change we could have great fun together, and somehow I feel that the next song was written about me. Maybe this is also a good opportunity to apologize to every ex I ever wronged and is reminded of me when listening to her songs. But since they were blessed to spend some time with me they should probably rather thank me. Call me girls. You might get lucky and get a second round.”
It is also kind of ironic that he is starting to listen to the radio now that it is starting to die off. Or so he thinks. Streaming music is the new trend, isn't it? To be fair it isn't really the music that makes him turn on the kitchen radio when he can't sleep. The radio host is fun to listen to. Most nights Negan spends between songs complaining about his life, coworkers and other random things. If Rick didn't knew that it is a real radio channel he could believe that it is just a man broadcasting from his garage. The bosses are probably asleep and don't know what he tells the audience. With profanity Rick would be sure that there is no supervision.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“All those poor suckers asking their girls to marry them today. Of course they're gonna say yes. It's Valentines Day. Most of them only say yes, because they don't want to break your fragile heart on a day you'll always remember.”
That's cynical. Refreshing on this godforsaken day, but cynical. The last month was hell. Every store he walked into was decorated with in red hearts. A steady reminder that he is alone. Not that he and Lori used to do stuff for Valentines. Still it feels depressing – more than his usual life – to not even have the option to do anything.
“But there is one engagement I am rooting for. Pizza guy this one is for you. I believe in you. Next time you come around you better not rush off. I need the story. You know what? I'll bring you on air. Bless us with your wisdom.”
Poor guy. It isn't a empty promise. Last month Negan brought two of his coworkers on air to talk about their recent break-up. At least it wasn't at the same night. That would have probably been even more awkward.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes Rick thinks that he is living in an alternative universe. Nothing seems real.
“I am not one to talk about politics. On air. Since they won't let me. Afraid of the backlash or whatever. Fine, I won't talk about it. But nobody will stop me from playing the same song for the whole four hours.”
Good thing he isn't the only one feeling like it. A mass hallucination.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“You won't believe what I had to see with my own two eyes. I will never recover. I thought it is in fashion hell, but no. In for their first day in whatever job he is actually gonna do, walked a freaking mullet. Listen, mullet boy. If I'll see you eating a roadkill sandwich you will pay for my therapy. Here have some free advice. I'm nice like that. Even if I could sue you for visual torture.”
If it wasn't clear enough from the last weeks that the guy isn't from around here it would be after this rant. They are not that common anymore but mullets aren't that shocking. Rick's favorite instance of Negan's culture shock was him not understanding a caller with a strong drawl. Or pretending not to understand him. The man was complaining about immigrants not speaking English. Negan saw the irony and probably ran with it.
“Dad?”
Rick manages to hide that he is startled. He hopes.
“What are you doing up?” The nerve of him. As if it isn't Carl that sneaked out to who knows where with who knows who.
Good thing that his deputy voice can also work as his dad voice. “Where have you been?” He will pretend that he knew that Carl wasn't in his room. God, he is an even worse father than he thought before.
The fact that Carl looks a little guilty under his usual standoffish teenager appearance shows that Rick's acting is at least passable. “Out with friends.”
“And you didn't think to tell me?” He adds some more of the usual parent phrases, he also heard as a kid and now makes him feel like a hypocrite. Talking your kid into a bad conscious is probably questionable, but he doesn't know what else to do.
“Fine, I'm sorry,” Carl finally snaps. “I won't do it again.”
The breathing exercises his therapist suggested for grieving purposes are mostly used to deal with his son's attitude. Which is nearly every time Carl comes out of his room.
Another thing the therapist strongly suggested. “You know you can talk to me about everything, right?”
“Whatever.” Carl is nearly out of the kitchen, on his way to barricade himself in his room, when he stops. “What are you listening to?”
~~~~~~~~~~~
The music selection is usually all over the place. Current hits, evergreens and funny joke songs. Most nights Rick wonders if there is any supervision at the radio station. There has to be a little. He has a feeling that Negan is a person who likes to curse. There have been a couple of times when he barely managed not to swear.
“... would like me to apologize for being such a downer. Good luck with that. If you want to be part of my funny days you can handle my depressed days.”
Tonight he didn't make his usual jokes or tell elaborate, exaggerated and possibly made-up stories. There were barely any transitions between the sad songs. Rick isn't that much into music. Negan's segments in between are what makes him come back when he can't sleep. However the music choice tonight also spoke to him for some reason.
“... don't understand are those who never lost someone. No need to write angry letters to the station. Tomorrow I'll be back to my usual cheery self. Goodnight for today, a enormous FU to the big C and a song that sounds into heaven or wherever she ended up in.”
No wonder the music mirrored some of Rick's feelings and current life.
~~~~~~~~~~~
He won't complain about it, but he wonders what made this happen. One day Carl is barely speaking to him and the next night he joins him at the kitchen table. They shared they first real conversation in probably forever. Before Lori's death Carl was a child and Rick was working too much. And since then the timing never was right. Either Rick was not in his right mind or Carl was mad at him because of it. All in all it was all his own fault that his son wouldn't talk to him.
“I don't even know. I just feel this song on a personal level.”
By now they moved on from Lori and Carl making rightfully accusations. He should have not given up after her death. Especially with two children who needed him. A lot of yelling later Carl opened up about his current life. It is comforting that after all he went through he still has time for normal teenage problems. He even admited to liking a girl. Even though he shut down when Rick wanted to know more. Normal behavior.
During the week they keep up pretenses that they don't know the other is up way into the night, but Friday nights they sit in the kitchen eating ice cream. Rick can get used to it becoming a tradition.
“Why are we listening to this station?” Scrunching his nose Carl asks it in a tone like they didn't have this conversation multiple times.
“I don't know. The music is nice?” Tonight Carl can't even deny it. It must be one of Negan's professional nights. There hasn't been an embarrassing anecdote or a terrible trashy song yet.
“That's debatable.”
Rick won't call him out on the fact that ten minutes ago Carl was drumming along to a song with his spoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Judith is telling him a story. From the way she is waving her rabbit it even seems quite serious. Rick would love to care, but her babble just isn't that understandable yet. Good thing she is quite content with a smile and him humming in response to her pauses.
Although by now he knows what to buy grocery shopping is still stressful. Occasionally he still gets the side-eye from moms regarding the food in his cart but usually they leave him alone. Just like Carl who always disappears upon entering the store just to turn up full of sweets when Rick is about to pay. It's smart since Rick won't start a discussion when he is halfway back in freedom.
“That is some terrible fucking customer service. I don't want to turn into an annoying middle-aged underfucked housewife, but I will make you call your goddamn manager if you don't give me the ugly-ass free hat.”
Rick just knew that he is a person who likes to curse. He couldn't have estimated the amount of it, but he had a feeling. There is no doubt that the tall guy in front of him who seems way on his way to make the poor cashier cry is Negan.
“Aww, am I hurting your feelings? You know what hurts my feelings? I walked here in the fucking rain, because a) my beautiful car ditched me for a poking session at the repair shop and b) because the stupid weatherman cannot do his job properly. I probably get myself a cold just in hope to get the free shit you advertised. Do you think I need six packs of fucking toilet paper? Do I look like a have the shits?”
The guy's behavior works as a radio host but seeing him hovering over a twenty-year-old blond girl, with a leather jacket and a smirk is just obnoxious.
“I am sorry.” She sounds anything but, and her smile looks faker than the usual customer service smiles. “But we are out of the hats. It said on the add that every customer gets one while the supplies last.”
In that case Rick better put the packs in his cart back on the shelves. He has enough toilet paper at home. However when he started taking care of all things at home, his next door neighbor introduced him to the wonders of couponing. Every time there is a flyer in his mail box he hears Carol's voice telling him to never say no to free stuff.
“Fine, girl. No need to be like that. I'll just take my stupid toilet paper and make myself a hat from it. You'll never guess from my rugged, badass exterior but I'm a real artistic guy. Arts and fucking craft are my passion.”
She just narrows her eyes and doesn't respond. Probably just wishing him gone. Suddenly Carl is beside him, after dumping a bunch of chocolate with their other groceries.
“You're that radio host.”
Why? He already had his bags in the hand. Is this Carl's way of torturing him? The cashier doesn't look happy either that he is sticking around for more time.
“Depends.” Great for him to have found a job where he can be himself. His grin just shows that he loves the attention. “Which one do you think?”
“The one at night.”
“How would you know that?” With a look towards Rick he adds, “I appreciate every listener, but shouldn't you be asleep? I heard that twelve-year-olds need a lot of sleep.”
“I'm not twelve.” Of course it isn't enough to annoy the cashier. Carl will be in a mood for the rest of the day. “And your music sucks.”
“Carl!” Rick is horrified but Negan lets out a loud laugh that attracts some glances from other customers.
“Harsh kid. Way to hurt my f... freaking feelings.” Now he is censoring himself? Like he wasn't cursing minutes ago. Hopefully Judith won't decide to say her first word after picking up new ones from a random stranger in the line at the store.
“Tough luck.” Rick will have to apologize for his teenage son. To a guy who makes his living partly by making fun of people. Rick would feel bad for some of Negan's coworkers and callers if it weren't so funny at times.
He would have never thought that a trip for milk and diapers would end up with Carl being grounded for the rest of his life. “My dad is a fan.” Why would he say that? Even worse is that Rick feels himself blushing.
“Is he now?” At least Negan has a good time.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Somehow Rick managed to leave the store without being even more embarrassed by his son or Negan. He thinks. The moments from paying for the groceries until driving off are a blur. He thinks there was some flirting, cooing over Judith, who seemed to love him – that little traitor – and a promise to dedicate a song to him.
Carl didn't see why Rick didn't appreciate his action. He even muttered “You're welcome!” before going up to his room. Whatever he meant by it.
Even worse is that Rick didn't keep his promise to himself not to listen to the show. He tried, but in bed he just couldn't sleep. It wasn't his usual intrusive thoughts. This time it was the curiosity if Negan would actually play a song for him. And which one?
“... they didn't have the hat they promised me. What kind of marketing strategy is it to promise something and not deliver? I would have never step foot in there again. Well, that's a lie, it's the nearest one my house, but you get the gist.”
At least he doesn't name the store.
“But then a magical thing happened. I know you are listening, even if it is just to see if I'm a man of my word. I sure am. This one goes out for the blue-eyed beauty at the grocery store. Call me!”
~~~~~~~~~~~
“I was not joking. It's been nearly a month and I am still waiting for your call.”
That guy is like a dog with a bone. The couple of nights Rick listened to the show he always made some kind of allusion that he is waiting for a call. Tonight he finally seems tired of being subtle.
“Don't make me wait any longer. Playing hard to get is overrated.”
Rick just hopes that he isn't talking about him. Back in the store he was joking. Surely he meets a lot of different people. His voice and intonation is distinctive enough that people recognize him.
“I thought we had a moment back in the line at the grocery store. If you see a guy with a cute baby and an older brat tell him to call me.”
Oh god. Carl's ice cream is dropping on the table. His mouth is most certainly hanging open. However Rick can't be sure. He is too busy avoiding his son's gaze. Unbelievable. His live is hitting a new low.
“Is he talking about you?”
Carl doesn't have to sound that shocked. It is embarrassing that all this talk is happening over public radio but it isn't totally unbelievable that someone is interested in him. Even though Rick still isn't totally sure Negan isn't just making fun of him.
“I'm not over hanging out at the grocery store until you turn up. But I might make a scene or a grand romantic gesture. Are flash mobs still a thing? Until then have this song to think about me until we see each other again.”
This is bordering on stalker behavior. He is just lucky Negan didn't get his name or he might have already turned up on his doorstep.
Carl's first shock made way for curiosity. “Are you...?”
“Don't! Just don't.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
If it continues like this, Rick will have to contact Negan just so he stops annoying him. The radio show was bad enough. When the blond cashier handed him a note with a number and a borderline dirty message he wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole. Not only because of Carl's gagging noises.
“Maybe you should call him.”
His son has way to much fun with this situation. Although he pretends to hate it and declared he doesn't want to hear anything about it, he sure has a lot to say. There was even something similar to the Talk that was uncomfortable for the both of them. It is reassuring that his son is open-minded that he wouldn't care if Rick dated a man, but he could have done without it.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah!” Great, Judith also agrees. How he wished she would have found a better person to imitate than her brother.
“Just get it over with, before he ambushes you at the store. Tell him he's not your type.” Rick's poker face must be non-existent since Carl adds, “Or whatever the real reason is you don't want to go out with him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
“I was actually losing hope, but then a miracle happened. My supermarket love called me.”
Well, it's a better nickname than the other ones he gave him.
“Of course I immediately made him meet me. Before changing his mind.”
He has no idea how Negan did it. Rick called to tell him off and suddenly he had a coffee date for the next day. Carl made a disgusted face but immediately offered to watch Judith. That boy is a bunch of contradictions.
“... a little shy...”
A laugh escapes him, although he thought he spend all his laughs at the date. It's been a while since someone described him as shy.
“... immediately enamored with me, no surprise there. As you all know I am a delight.”
A delusional delight.
“Since he is obviously as amazed by me as I am with him, it is time to find our song. He won't be able to help. Who isn't into music? That should be a deal-breaker, but I like punishing myself. Whatever, here is option one.”
That's taking it a little fast.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes Carl is still up at night. Lesser because he is sad but more because he has a girlfriend. And obviously the time they have during the day isn't enough to express their feelings.
Rick is also awake most nights. Now out of habit. The wonders of naps during the day shouldn't be underestimated. He still likes Negan's radio show. Maybe even more now that he knows him. He could do with less stories about their personal life, but until now they weren't that bad. He still likes to embarrass other people more than himself.
It also would jut make him cranky getting to sleep at a reasonable hour just to be woken up because someone likes trampling up the stairs. Lucky Judith who can't remember a time without the noise at 3 am and is so used to it that she manages to sleep through it. Carl is a teen, he could sleep through everything. That just leaves Rick.
“You're better not fucking asleep.”
So romantic. By now he should have gotten used to Negan plopping down on the bed.
“Wasn't it an excellent show? I'm always amazed just how fucking great I am.”