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Hogwarts – Gryffindor Tower
It was very late, or maybe it was early morning. The fire in the common room was still roaring. It didn’t matter because it was winter holiday. The Gryffindor Tower was practically empty, only a few students from each year had stayed.
The fire was still going because the room wasn’t empty. Two 6th year boys were asleep in the couch near the fireplace. The smaller one’s head in the other boy’s lap, their books were spread all over them and the floor.
Sirius woke first, unsure where he was. His eyes focused on the window, watching the snow storm outside. He heard the fire crack and he blinked nervously and looked down, he saw Remus sleeping. He realized he was still in the Common Room and sighed a little relieved. He smiled at his friend. His heart warmed a little. He put his hand on Remus’s head and hair. He wondered how he fell asleep there of all places. But he didn’t care. He cleared his throat and Remus stirred, and blinked.
“Sorry, Moony.” Sirius blushed and Remus sat up. Sirius started picking up their books and he noticed Remus took a minute. He sat on the bed and looked at the window.
“Is that why you stayed?” Sirius nodded to the window at the almost full moon.
“I guess,” Remus shrugged looking from the window to Sirius. He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “I don’t like being home like that, especially during the holidays. And with James and Peter gone, at least I’d have you.” Sirius laughed a little.
“I get it.” Sirius yawned. “I do enjoy when it’s just us dogs.” Remus rolled his eyes. He knew Remus didn’t like when he compared them like that.
They packed their things and went up to the dorm. It was strangely quiet without James and Peter there. Somehow the room felt bigger. Remus got into bed immediately. Sirius stood up to put their things away and got undressed. They were quiet for a while. It wasn’t till Sirius got in bed and under the covers that Remus said something.
“Hey,” Sirius sat up to look at him from across the room. “I stayed because I didn’t want you to be alone on Holiday.”
“Really?” Sirius felt his heart warm, again. The same way he did when James told him to move with him that summer. But he felt different with Remus. The way Remus spoke made him nervous in a way that surprised him.
“Of course.” Remus said seriously. “I’m so happy you finally told her you weren’t going home again. After that you can’t be alone on holiday.”
“Thank you, Remus.” He didn’t realize how grateful he was for someone so understanding. He didn’t know how to express it.
“See you tomorrow, okay Padfoot?” Remus said with a smile. He rolled over, but he didn’t close his curtain. Something he did every night since first year. Sirius heard him fall asleep. He listened to him snore long into the night, unsure why he was unable to sleep.
Sirius’s Apartment – London, England
The nights during the war were always dark. Even after every spell, after he checked and re checked everything, Sirius still couldn’t sleep. He realized if he tried to sleep as Padfoot it was easier to get some rest, and he could still keep his guard up.
It was easier to sleep when he lived alone. After he went from Hogwarts, to the Potter’s he decided to live completely by himself. When the war started everyone kept telling him the only person he could trust was himself. He didn’t like that though. Even with people dying all the time, he couldn’t imagine a world where he couldn’t trust his friends, even Lily now. Especially after all that they’ve been through and everything they’ve done for each other. The war made him care for his friends more, not trust them less.
Especially Remus, he wanted him closer now more than ever. It was hard when he had to change for the moon. Sometimes Remus wouldn’t let Sirius come with him. He would tell Sirius his job was too important. He couldn’t take off for him. Sirius wanted to be there every time. He made that vow to himself a long time ago. Remus was worried his job would notice the pattern.
The nights Remus was gone he slept the worst. He started staying at Sirius’s place, and it was new but felt right. Sirius still couldn’t sleep though. But Remus hated that he slept as a dog. He said he couldn’t hold him that way. Sirius couldn’t argue with that.
Some nights Remus would wake up and Sirius would be curled next to him on the floor, or in the living room, tail between his legs. Sometimes he would pace the apartment all night as a dog listening to every sound and checking on Remus. Some nights he’d lay awake all night next to Remus as a man. He always started the morning mildly embarrassed. One of the reasons he appreciated Remus so much was that he never questioned it.
Sirius was jumpy at night and pacing the hallways, and living room. He heard nothing all night but he was still nervous when he heard Remus wake up. He walked by Sirius with a hand on his head, and when to the bathroom. When he came back Sirius was himself again.
“Hey,” Remus said with sleepy eyes. “You okay?” He hid it well but he looked at Sirius with worried eyes.
“It’s just hard to sleep sometimes.” He said, and Remus chuckled.
“Sometimes,” He said sarcastically, from the bedroom doorway. “There’s chocolate in the kitchen.”
“Thanks, Moony.” He laughed. “But I think this is something chocolate can’t fix.”
“What’s wrong?” Sirius didn’t answer. He just walked to him and hugged him. He held Remus tight. Remus sighed against him, and kissed the side of his head.
“Come to bed, okay?” Remus said. Sirius followed him into his room, and they got into bed together. Sirius slept wrapped in Remus’s arms most of the night.
In the morning Sirius was in awe of how much safer he felt with Remus there. His face was the first thing he saw when Sirius woke up. He used to count his scars but he quickly realized that more appeared each full moon, it was impossible to keep track. Seeing Remus in the morning made him realize he wanted him there every morning. He knew he should wait, but as soon as he woke Sirius would ask him to move in. He knew it was the best way to keep each other safe. He didn’t want to be apart at all anymore.
Azkaban Island –
It was always dark and raining. There was thunder every single day. That didn’t matter. He actually might have liked living in the rain like that. It was his innocence that kept his sanity. That wasn’t it either. Wanting his revenge wasn’t the reason he couldn’t sleep. That kept him going. Revenge gave him a reason to live.
The overwhelming answer in his heart and mind was the Dementors, and how horrible it felt when they were around. Sometimes Sirius felt like he might be sick, and there were so many of them. When he slept as a human they made him dream of everything awful. All he could dream about was his mother, and every nasty thing she ever said about him. He dreamt of every bad grade, every broken bone. The pain of losing James and Lily, and Remus was what he dreamt of most. It was hard to think about Remus.
He realized he could be in Azkaban as Padfoot and no one would know. But he couldn’t sleep that way either. When he had dreams as Padfoot, he remembered the good things. He dreamt of Hogwarts, of Harry and James. The people he made his family, those dreams were the hardest. The dreams of Remus hurt most of all. Being happy in his dreams and then waking up in Azkaban was unlike any torture he could ever imagine. The darkness there made his guilt over Remus unbearable. Being there made Sirius know he never deserved someone like Remus, even as a friend.
That was why he stopped sleeping, because when ever he slept, man or dog, he couldn’t escape the dreams, good or bad.
He knew he could leave Azkaban as a dog one day, and he knew the first thing he’d do after killing Peter was find Remus. He just hoped he’d actually listen. Sirius wished he would have trusted his gut. Remus never gave them a reason to stop trusting him, not once. He knew losing that trust and placing it in a different friend did more than just put him Azkaban, it got his best friends killed. He might not have meant to but he betrayed them and Remus, the only person he ever loved. The guilt from those things he’d take to the grave. He knew that was worse than any jail cell.
Grimmauld Place - London, England
It was late when they arrived on the street, just a man and a dog. They were at a place Sirius hadn’t seen since he was just a boy. He was grateful he was there with Remus, after all this time. When they finally got inside he heard it. The sound of her voice made the hair on his neck stand up and he yelped. He heard her taunts, calling him a blood traitor, the words he heard all his life. He whined cowering, paws over his ears. He was surprised at the way his insides shook. Remus tried to hex the painting but nothing worked. He looked back at surprise and grabbed one of his shoes, transforming it into a curtain and hid her from them. After a minute or two she stopped. Remus crouched down next to him.
“It’s okay now.” He said. His voice was rough. He blinked and Sirius looked back at him as a man. He didn’t say anything he just felt uneasy. He knew Remus thought he was unsteady. Everyone did. They all thought he was different, and he was. He had changed. He just hated the look people gave him. The only person in the world who didn’t look at him like that was Harry.
Remus helped him up, and Sirius grasped his hand. His skin felt like fire. Only because they hadn’t touched and Sirius hated to admit he craved Remus but he gave him his space.
He let go of Sirius’s hand and they went to the kitchen. Sirius sat while Remus looked around.
“This place is a mess.” Remus said, looking around.
“You should go to sleep, Remus.” Sirius said. “It’s been a long day.”
“Hm.” Remus considered it. It was Dumbledore who told Sirius to find Remus. The Tournament ended just a month ago, and Sirius didn’t want to leave Harry, but he knew it was safer. Dumbledore didn’t tell Sirius how hard it would be to find Remus, or how hard it would be to convince him to come. He told Sirius he would be better if he stayed away. He already felt old Death Eaters following him. Sirius still wasn’t sure what got him to come with him.
“Come on, let’s go clean out your old room and stay in there.” Remus said. “I’m too tired to look around more.” Sirius just nodded and followed him, down the hall, and up the stairs.
Remus was quick casting his spells. Sirius looked around realizing it looked just like how he left it. Remus sat on the bed, but Sirius stood taking his coat off but staying dressed.
“Still having trouble sleeping after all this time?” Sirius thought about all the sleepless nights in this room, from before Hogwarts and during. The only time he ever slept well was when Remus was around.
“Can you blame me?” Sirius said with a hint of sarcasm. Remus almost rolled his eyes, but Sirius felt the room lighten. Remus’s eyes were on him. Sirius sat near him on the bed.
“What made you come with me?” He asked voice almost above a whisper. Remus smiled at his friend. Sirius jumped when he felt him grab his hand. He looked up at Remus with wide eyes.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of you being here alone.” Remus admitted, and Sirius almost gasped unable to look away from Remus. He leaned forward and kissed Remus fast. He couldn’t help it. Hearing Remus say that made him react before he could think, but Remus kissed him back. It was like no time had passed. Remus held him tight and pulled him into his arms, as they lay there together, in each other’s arms all night, unable to sleep but at least safe with one another again.