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The thing about best friends is, sometimes you love them so much that no other relationship can ever compare. There is not a single person in the world that can make you as happy as that one person, not even close.
In some cases, this can cause trouble. By sheer dumb luck (this luck can be good or bad, depending on the circumstances and, more importantly, the outcome of such a situation) you find yourself falling in love with that person. You’re terrified, confused, and angry. You’re afraid of losing the most important person in your life. And then, you wait for the inevitable. You wait to slip up, for them to find out. And then, you wait for life as you know it to change forever.
Hey, it happens to everyone.
This is how it happened to Jensen Ackles.
[2005]
The internet is a wonderful place. It’s chock-full of information needed for important research. Which may or may not include looking at pictures of naked guys to see if you really are gay or if you’re just going through some sort of weird phase wherein you kind of enjoy looking through old issues of GQ a little too much.
That may or may not be what Jensen is doing. Okay, fine. That’s exactly what he’s doing.
He clicks around until he gets to a site that he has to lie about his age to enter, and graphic images fill the screen. Jensen tilts his head slightly to the left, mouth going a little slack as he stares. Heat pools in his belly and his cock stirs in his shorts. (He’s fifteen. Give him a break.)
So yeah, definitely gay, then.
It’s not something he didn’t already know, but now he’s quite positive. So good, he knows. What the fuck does he do now?
He suddenly hears thunderous footsteps coming up the stairs and he quickly closes all of his windows and shuts his laptop. Jared barges into his room and immediately trips over Jensen’s lacrosse stick.
“Nice to see you’re adjusting to that growth spurt, Jolly Green,” Jensen snickers, and Jared glowers as he picks his tall, skinny self up off of the floor.
“We can’t all be midgets,” Jared replies, throwing himself down on Jensen’s bed. Jensen sets his laptop on his nightstand and sits up, blushing furiously as he waits for his erection to go down and prays Jared doesn’t notice.
“Did you need something?” Jensen asks, reaching out to push at Jared’s side with his foot. Jared rolls onto his side and looks up at Jensen.
“Yeah,” Jared replies, propping his head up on his elbow. “Did you find a date for my birthday party yet?”
“Ah yes, Jared Padalecki’s fifteenth birthday soirée. The social event of the season,” Jensen says airily, waving his hand around in the air.
“Damn right,” Jared retorts. “So who’s the lucky girl?”
“Um,” Jensen replies, brows knitting together. He gets an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that he immediately identifies as guilt. And that’s the thing, Jensen fucking hates lying. Especially to Jared. Does he really want to pretend to be someone he’s not around his best friend? “Nobody. I’m not bringing anyone.”
“Why not, Jen? For some reason, you’re more than popular with the chicks, man. Annie has had a crush on you since like, kindergarten. And she’s getting seriously hot,” Jared says, ticking girls off on his fingers. “Not to mention Sarah, Chloe, Taylor, and fucking Sophia.”
“No thanks,” Jensen says, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. He looks out the window. He kind of wants to go outside. He sort of wants to run screaming from this conversation.
“Whatever, dude,” Jared sighs, flopping onto his back. “I’m starting to think you don’t even like girls.”
Jensen freezes, his face flushing with heat. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears and all he can think is well, that was fast. He swallows hard and closes his eyes, considering. He has never had to hide anything from Jared before. It wouldn’t do to start now.
“What if – I mean.” Jensen pauses, swallowing again and keeping his eyes trained out the window. “What if I don’t?”
He’s greeted with silence. Deafening silence. Even the fucking birds outside his window stop chirping.
He slowly turns his head towards Jared, bracing himself for the worst. Jared is just staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slack with disbelief.
“Whoa,” Jared finally says when Jensen starts fidgeting and desperately fighting the urge to run away. Jared sits up on the bed and crosses his legs, mirroring Jensen’s position. They stare at each other for a long moment, and Jensen feels fifteen years of friendship swaying precariously on the edge of a knife. It’s unsettling, and it makes his heart clench in his chest. “So like, you’re gay?”
“Um,” Jensen replies, his breathing coming a little quicker than he would like. “I think so?”
“You think?” Jared repeats, but his voice is soft and his eyes are curious. Jensen looks at him closely. He doesn’t look disgusted or horrified. He just looks slightly concerned.
“Yeah,” Jensen replies, plucking at his comforter just so he has something to do with his hands. “I mean, yes. I am. I don’t like girls like you do. I like guys like that.” He says the last part softly, looking down to avoid Jared’s gaze.
“Hm. Are you gay for anyone in particular?” Jared asks, and Jensen has a hard time reading his tone. Jensen blushes, because best friend or not, there is no way he’s telling Jared that he thought their freshman English teacher was the hottest thing on two legs. The ridicule would never stop.
“Not really,” Jensen replies, because while he thinks a few guys at their school are hot, he doesn’t have a crush on anyone. This is all way too new to actually like anyone. He has to take some time to figure it out.
Silence falls between them again, but at least the birds start chirping. Jensen worries his bottom lip with his teeth, and the sudden honk of a car horn startles him a little. Jared looks slightly lost in thought, a small crease between his brows. Jensen clears his throat. He has to ask, but he’s dreading the answer.
“Are we okay?” He finally asks, hating how shaky his voice is. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to cope if the answer is no. Jared’s gaze snaps to his immediately, his colorful eyes widening.
“What?” Jared asks, and then he rolls his eyes. “Oh shit, Jensen. Come on. You’re my best friend. Did you really think I would give a shit?”
“No, I guess not,” Jensen says, not realizing until he says it how true that is. Deep down, he knew Jared wouldn’t care. It still feels like an immense weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. “Just – don’t tell anyone, okay?”
“You know I won’t,” Jared replies sincerely. “This doesn’t change anything. You’re still Jensen.” He pauses, pursing his lips thoughtfully. “Actually, this makes a lot of sense.”
“Fuck you!” Jensen laughs, pulling a pillow from behind his back and hitting Jared with it. Jared laughs so hard he falls backwards, hands clutching his stomach.
“Things like that! Like the flailing and the pillow fighting,” Jared cackles. “And all the pieces fall into place.”
“I hate you,” Jensen mumbles, but he’s laughing, trying hard not to smile.
“Do not, fucker.” Jared pulls himself into a sitting position again and looks at Jensen. “Just promise me one thing.”
“What?” Jensen replies, looking up to meet Jared’s gaze. Jared grins.
“Promise you won’t fall in love with me, dude.” Jared’s eyes are bright and happy, and a laugh spills out of Jensen before he can help it. “I know I’m totally irresistible and shit.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that, Sasquatch,” Jensen replies, laughing so hard he has to wipe tears from his eyes. He is giddy with relief. Everything is going to be fine.
Fall in love with Jared? Please. Like that will ever happen.
[2006]
A year of angsting wasted. A whole year of hiding all his porn and trying to catch up on all five seasons of Queer as Folk while no one was home. All for nothing.
An entire year of worrying himself to death, and his parents weren’t even fucking surprised when he told them. Assholes.
And fuck Jared, too. He is too masculine. Who cares if he’s in drama class? He’s also on the varsity lacrosse team as a fucking sophomore. So ha! And he is not a fucking drama queen.
Oh god, he’s going to give himself an ulcer.
[2007]
Jensen sits in the dugout, puffing on his third cigarette in twenty minutes. To say that he’s in a bad mood would be a massive fucking understatement.
He doesn’t feel good, for starters. He feels weak and tired, his stomach hurts, and he’s pretty sure he’s getting a fever. It’s June, for fuck’s sake. Who gets sick in June? Three days left of junior year, four days until the massive party at the lake, and he’s coming down with what, the fucking sniffles?
He wants to go home and curl up in bed and be a whiny, prissy little bitch until he feels better but he can’t. Jared drove him to school, so he would have to walk home. It’s like a hundred fucking degrees outside and he’s seconds away from barfing so it’s probably better to just wait it out.
And he doesn’t even have Jared to bitch to because he got cornered by his fucking girlfriend at the beginning of lunch and he had to go sit with her and her stupid drama geek friends. Which, okay, Jensen is a drama geek. But he only does it for fun, not because he’s a fucking thespian, or whatever. He’s also a jock, so it all balances out nicely.
So he doesn’t like Alexis. Whatever. She’s boring. She acts like she’s so fucking superior and mature and above everyone. And it pisses Jensen off. Not that he’s ever told Jared any of this, because he’s just not the kind of guy that hates on his best friend’s girl. Not out loud, at least.
Jensen stubs out his cigarette and decides not to light up another one, because it may be settling his nerves but it’s sure as hell not settling his stomach. He’s such a fucking horrible sick person. Angry and hostile, like a badger. A fucking badass badger.
At least until he gets home so his mommy can make him some soup.
He gets up and brushes the dust from the seat of his pants. When he leans down to grab his bag, a sharp pain rips through his belly. He clutches the brick to stay upright, his vision whiting out for a moment until the pain subsides. Jensen blinks a few times and takes a few breaths until he feels relatively normal again.
“That was fucking weird,” he mumbles to himself before trudging off towards the school, unconsciously pressing a hand to the right side of his stomach.
-*-
Jensen has had a key to Jared’s truck since the day he got it and when school is over (finally, thank god) he lets himself into the cab to wait. A few minutes later he spots Jared and Alexis walking towards the truck, hands interlocked. Alexis looks irritated as usual, saying something that makes Jared roll his eyes and pull his hand away. Jensen raises an eyebrow. Trouble in paradise? Good. Not that Jensen wishes any unhappiness on his best friend. It’s just that, well, Alexis isn’t good enough for him. He deserves someone who – well, just someone better.
Jared gets into the truck and slams the door shut, not at all surprised to see Jensen already waiting in the cab. Jared slams the door so hard the whole truck rattles, and Jensen’s stomach clenches uncomfortably.
“Problems?” Jensen clenches out, waiting for the pain in his belly to go away. Jared looks over at Jensen and his scowl immediately subsides.
“Jesus, Jen,” he says, turning to face his best friend. “You look like shit.”
“Well fuck you very much, asshole.” Jensen wipes the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand and glowers at Jared. “What’s wrong with you and Alexis?”
“What? Oh, nothing.” Jared sighs. “She’s just making a big deal out of the party on Saturday. She wants me to drive her and she got all pissy when I told her I was already driving you. And she doesn’t want me to drink, or leave her alone at any point, and all this shit. I mean, fuck, she has friends too, y’know? We can hang out with our friends and each other.”
Jensen bites his lip, stopping the words he wants to let slip out. Instead, he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, bright green and feverish.
“Then she fucking called me immature because some dude jogged by and his junk was bouncing around in his shorts and I laughed,” Jared continues. “I mean, shit. You would have laughed, right?”
“Was he hot?” Jensen asks, settling back against the seat.
“No, I wouldn’t say so,” Jared replies.
“Then yeah, I would have laughed.” Jared looks over at him and finally laughs for the first time since he got in the truck. It makes Jensen smile.
“About the party. I can catch a ride with Chad,” Jensen says, just trying to keep the peace. “It’s not a big deal. You’ll see me there.”
“No,” Jared says. “I mean – shit, this sucks. I just want to hang out with everybody.”
“I know,” Jensen says, reaching out to touch Jared’s shoulder. “And you will. Chad and I are more than capable of crashing your little lover’s tryst.” Jared laughs and reaches out to push Jensen’s shoulder. Jared’s hand burns against his skin, and Jensen shivers away.
“Dude, you’re burning up.” Jared says, pulling his hand away to start the truck. “Did you make a doctor’s appointment? You haven’t been feeling good for days, and honestly? You look like you’re gonna hurl. Please don’t fucking puke in my truck. Seriously, roll down the window.”
“Jared, please!” Jensen shouts, covering his damp face with his palm. Jared goes all fucking mother hen whenever anyone gets sick, and his barrage of questions is more than Jensen can handle. “It’s fucking hot as balls in this truck. Can we please just go?”
“Sure,” Jared says quietly, starting up the truck. Jensen closes his eyes and takes deep breaths, reveling in the comfortable silence until Jared turns into their neighborhood. “Am I dropping you at home?”
“No,” Jensen replies, although he’d really like to get into bed. “All my camping shit is still in your garage from last time. I need it if we’re camping at the lake. No way I’m sharing a tent with you two lovebirds. Though it’s not like you’re gonna get any. Alexis keeps that shit locked up tight.”
“I can’t wait until you finally get a boyfriend so I can rag on you twenty four-seven.” Jensen chuckles at that. “What about Jason? You two seemed to hit it off at Chris’s party last weekend.”
“Jason?” Jensen scoffs. “He’s so fucking camp. If I wanted to listen to someone bitch about the disgrace of mismatching belts and shoes I would date a fucking girl.”
Jared laughs as he parks in front of his house, cutting the engine. “So you’re just gonna keep running to Chris every time you get hard up?”
“Chris is hot,” Jensen replies, hopping out of the truck. “Not like it means anything. Plus it’s fun to watch Josh squirm as his kid brother makes out with one of his best friends.”
“Sure. And Chris is only what, twenty-two? What’s a little felony between friends?” Jared replies, laughing as they make their way towards the front door. “Just do me a favor. Don’t give Chris your ass cherry.”
“He wishes,” Jensen replies. “Besides, you know I’m saving that for you, baby.” He gives Jared a little hip check and Jared grins at him as he unlocks the door.
“I’m lookin’ forward to it,” Jared chuckles, and then winks as he slips inside. Jensen falters in his step; pausing in the doorway as his stomach does a weird little flip.
He blames it on the stomachache.
Jensen follows Jared into the kitchen and takes a seat at the island in the middle as Jared rifles through the refrigerator. He takes out a gallon of milk and sets it on the counter. There is a plastic container full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on the island and Jared pours a glass of milk and opens it. He shoves almost an entire one in his mouth and Jensen’s stomach turns.
“Dude,” Jared says around a mouthful of cookie, “there are cookies within striking distance.”
“Not hungry,” Jensen mumbles, his stomach clenching painfully. The pain is getting more intense now - a hot, white stabbing in his lower belly that just won’t go away.
“You’re turning down my mom’s cookies?” Jared asks. “Wow, you must really feel like shit.”
“Yeah,” Jensen grunts out, slipping off of the stool. He wobbles as he stands, clutching the countertop for support. Jared’s confused expression is the last thing he sees clearly before his vision starts to swim. “Jay, something’s not right. Oh shit, it hurts.”
“Holy shit, Jen. What’s wrong?” Jared’s voice sounds panicky and somewhat far away, and all of Jensen’s instincts are telling him to run, to get away from the thing that’s causing him pain. But he can’t because it’s inside him, tearing him open. He blanches, turning as white as a sheet as a sharp cry escapes his lips.
Jensen drops to his knees, his hands pressing against his stomach.
“Oh my god, Jen!” Jared drops down in front of him, shaky hands clutching at Jensen’s shoulders. “Talk to me. What is it?”
“Hospital,” Jensen mumbles, letting his body slump forward, trusting Jared to catch him. He buries his sweaty face in Jared’s neck, feeling Jared’s rapid pulse against his cheek.
“Yeah, okay,” Jared says, one arm tight around Jensen, holding him up as the other hand fishes his cell phone out of his pocket. “It’s gonna be okay.”
Jensen believes him.
“Yeah, hello?” Jared says into the phone. He can feel Jared’s tears, warm and damp against his temple, and he feels bad for making his friend cry. “I need help. My friend, he – he collapsed, and I don’t know what’s wrong.” Jensen curls in on himself, slipping down until his head is pillowed on Jared’s thigh. He can hear Jared talking, fast and frantic. He knows Jared is talking to him at one point, trying to get an answer from him. He tries to talk but he can’t, it hurts too much. He clutches at Jared’s shirt and he feels Jared’s trembling fingers clasp tight around his wrist. He focuses on that touch, trying to keep from slipping into darkness.
-*-
What happens next is mostly a blur. Jared drops the phone and slides the fingers of his free hand into Jensen’s hair, the other still holding Jensen’s wrist in a death grip. He knows Jared is talking to him, voice pitched low and comforting.
There is commotion not long after that, hands that don’t belong to Jared pulling on him, getting him up onto a stretcher. They tug Jared’s hand away from his wrist and Jensen lets out a groan, fingers flexing against nothing.
He’s loaded into an ambulance; Jared climbing in right after the stretcher is loaded. Jensen is aware of the sound of sirens and people yelling, leaning over him and shining light in his eyes. He grits his teeth together so hard he thinks they’re going to crack.
He can hear Jared’s voice above all the others. “He was holding his stomach. The right side.” There’s a pause, and he can hear Jared again, quick and panicked. “Donna, it’s Jared. You’ve got to come to the hospital. Jensen is.” He can hear Jared’s voice crack on a sob. “They’re taking Jen.”
Jared grabs his wrist again, and that’s the last thing Jensen remembers.
-*-
Jared paces the waiting room, eyes red and swollen from the tears that had leaked steadily from his eyes the entire ride over. He never really cries, but seeing Jensen like that, incoherent and shaking on the kitchen floor, terrified him in a way he hadn’t ever felt before.
It’s been half an hour since they wheeled Jensen into the ER, stopping Jared when he tried to follow. He tried sitting down, but he was too jittery, too scared. So instead, he paces.
The automatic sliding doors open and Donna comes running in, eyes wide with tears and panic. Jared sees her and nearly crumples, letting out a new sob as she envelopes him in a hug.
“What happened, baby?” Donna asks, rubbing Jared’s back soothingly.
“I don’t know,” Jared replies shakily, face buried in the curve of Donna’s neck. She’s been his second mother, for all intents and purposes, since the day he was born. He has no problem with seeking comfort from her. “He wasn’t feeling well all day, and then he just collapsed. He was so out of it. He couldn’t even tell me what’s wrong. They won’t tell me anything.”
“It’s okay,” Donna soothes, pulling away from Jared. She squeezes his shoulders and looks up at him, giving him a watery smile. “I’m sure he’s fine. I’m going to go talk to a doctor, see what I can find out. You wait here, okay?”
“But Donna,” Jared says, wiping at his eyes and feeling all of four years old. Donna just nods in understanding.
“Everyone is on their way,” she says, cupping his cheek. “Just wait here. As soon as I find out what’s going on, I’ll come tell you. I promise.” Jared squeezes his eyes shut and nods, turning to watch as Donna walks up to the desk. She’s rushed into the ER moments later.
He flops down into a hard plastic chair and buries his face in his hands, elbows propped up on his knees. He doesn’t know how long he sits like that before his mother is suddenly there, pulling him into a hug. He tells her everything and she just nods, clutching Jared’s hand in a death grip.
Sherri brought Mac and Megan with her, and the two girls sit motionless, pale faced and terrified. It’s not long before the waiting room is full of Jensen’s loved ones. Gerry and Alan show up, followed shortly by Josh and Jeff, who must have broken land speed records to get there from the school. Jared has never seen Josh look so terrified and anguished. It’s a foreign look on a guy that is so carefree and laidback. Seeing Josh look like that just makes him even more scared.
Sherri tells everyone what Jared told her, while Jared himself just stares blankly ahead, face burning and heart thumping in his chest. What he needs now is for Donna to come back, to tell them that Jensen is going to be fine.
He has to be fine.
-*-
What seems like hours later, Donna finally comes back into the waiting room. Everyone’s heads snap up at the exact same moment, as if they were all attached to the same string. Jared takes in Donna’s appearance. Her eyes are red and swollen, mascara smeared beyond repair.
Jared’s heart stops beating. Everything freezes, his entire world narrowed down to Jensen’s mother. He holds his breath, waiting for Donna to speak.
“Acute appendicitis,” Donna breathes, giving them a shaky smile. “They’re taking him into surgery now. He’s going to be fine.”
And the world starts up again, noises assaulting him from every angle. Everyone lets out a collective sigh and suddenly Donna is hugging him, her tears searing hot against his cheek.
“Thank you,” Donna says, kissing his temple. “Thank you for calling 911. The doctors said it was about to burst, and he made it in just in time. Thank you, Jared.”
Jared wraps his arms around her, squeezing tightly. His mother puts her arms around them both and his dad claps him on the back. Josh ruffles his hair, his eyes shining with gratitude. Jared can’t even breathe, he’s so relieved.
“When is he going to be out of surgery?” Jared asks once both moms let him go. “When can I see him?”
“He should be out soon,” Donna replies. “But he won’t wake up until later tonight.”
“I’ll wait,” Jared says strongly, and then recoils a little, looking up at Donna with shining eyes. “I mean – can I? Can I stay?”
“Of course,” Donna replies, ruffling Jared’s hair until it falls in his eyes. “You can be there when he wakes up.”
“Good,” Jared says, breathing deep. “I – I want to be there.”
He doesn’t just want it. He needs it.
-*-
Almost two hours later, a doctor comes out to report that Jensen is out of surgery and has been moved to recovery. Donna and Alan are allowed back to check on him, and Jared wants so badly to go with them. When they return to the waiting room, they look reassured, and that makes Jared feel a little better.
Donna shepherds everyone out, telling them that it won’t do any good to crowd the waiting room anymore, that Jensen is fine and they’ll call when he wakes up. Sherri offers to take the girls home and Josh and Jeff make plans to stay in town until Jensen is home.
Before long, it’s just Donna and Jared left in the waiting room. Jared’s eyes sting and Donna slaps his arm when she catches him rubbing them again. They get up and Donna leads him to Jensen’s room, and Jared nearly cries again at the sight of him.
He looks so small and pale in the giant hospital bed, freckles standing out in stark relief on his skin. He focuses on the steady rise and fall of Jensen’s chest, the soft beeps of the heart monitor. Jared drops down into one of the chairs next to Jensen’s bed. He reaches out to touch the back of Jensen’s hand, next to where the IV is piercing his skin. He trails his fingers down Jensen’s arm, where purple bruises form a ring around his wrist.
“Oops,” Jared says, his fingertips ghosting along the bruises he left. “Bruise so easy, you pansy.”
Donna laughs and Jared startles a little, forgetting she was even there for a moment. He smiles sheepishly and looks back at her.
“I’m glad you were there, Jared.” She smiles warmly at him, and it’s damn near the same fond smile she gives Jensen. “Stubborn little shit never would have said anything was wrong. He would have just waited until it was something that couldn’t be fixed.” Her breath hitches a little and Jared gets up to hug her.
“He’s fine,” Jared tells her, and Donna nods. They both sit down on either side of Jensen’s bed, Donna taking Jensen’s hand in her own. Jared stares at the bruises on his wrist, the exact shape of his own fingers.
Hours later, Jared’s stomach rumbles loud enough that even Donna looks over at him. He looks at the door and then back at Jensen, slouching down further in the chair as he makes up his mind. He’s not leaving.
Donna stands up then, back popping as she stretches. “I’m getting old,” she yawns, making Jared’s lips quirk up in a near smile. “I’m going down to the cafeteria for some caffeine. Jensen’s crippling addiction didn’t appear out of thin air, you know.”
“I know,” Jared replies. “Poor kid. It stunted his growth. He’s a total midget.”
Donna playfully whaps the back of his head, and Jared scrunches up his nose at her. “I’ll bring you something to eat. Call me if he wakes up?”
“Sure,” Jared replies. “Thanks Mom.”
Minutes after Donna leaves the room, Jared’s phone vibrates in his pocket. When he pulls it out, it tells him that he has a new message from Alexis. He sighs and opens it.
Where are you? You were supposed to be here over an hour ago. Call me.
Jared stares at the message for a moment, and then very deliberately turns the phone off and puts it back in his pocket.
Alexis is the very last thing on his mind right now.
-*-
When Jensen opens his eyes, it takes a few seconds for everything to come into focus. The first thing he’s aware of is the pain in his stomach, though nowhere near what it had been earlier. The second thing he realizes is that he’s in a hospital bed.
His heart starts to beat wildly at that, his stomach rolling when he whips his head to the side. His fingers dig into the scratchy hospital sheets and he swallows.
“Jared?” He rasps out, momentarily surprised to find that Jared’s name was the first that came to mind. There is suddenly a hand on his chest, pushing him down, and then Jared’s face comes into view. “Oh god,” he sighs, reaching up to touch Jared’s shoulder, fingers digging into solid flesh until he relaxes.
“Welcome back to the land of the living,” Jared says, but Jensen can hear how badly his voice is shaking. Jensen takes in Jared’s face, his swollen eyes, and then looks out the window. It’s pitch-black dark outside.
“What happened?” He asks, and then licks his lips. Jared pours him a glass of water and sticks a straw in it, handing it over.
“You’re appendix damn near burst, dude,” Jared replies, sitting back down in his chair but scooting it closer to the bed. “You collapsed on my kitchen floor. Then they cut you open and you made us all worry. Dick.”
“No shit?” Jensen laughs, taking a drink of cool water and then setting the cup down. “I had surgery?”
“Yup,” Jared replies. “Bet you’re all scarred and ugly now.” Jensen wrinkles his nose and Jared laughs.
“Where’s my mom?” Jensen asks, looking around the room.
“Oh, she went to go get coffee. I’m supposed to call her,” Jared replies, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Dude, everyone was here, for like, hours. But your lazy ass wouldn’t wake up.”
“Oh,” Jensen replies, eyelids drooping shut. He lets out a long sigh, hand sliding across the bed until he finds Jared’s. Without thinking about it, he slots their fingers together and squeezes.
It should feel weird, holding his best friend’s hand like this, but it actually feels kind of nice. The last thing he registers before falling asleep is Jared’s thumb moving back and forth across the thin skin of his wrist.
-*-
It’s Saturday night. The entire school in on their way to the bonfire at the lake, and Jensen is at home, bedridden.
He is, in a word, devastated. Jeff had been more than happy to take advantage of his recent of-legal-drinking-age status and buy some alcohol for them as long as they paid him extra and promised him they wouldn’t be driving. Which wouldn’t be a problem because everyone was going to pop tents and crash in them.
But no, his gut had to go and explode, in Jared’s fucking kitchen no less, and now he’s stuck in bed with stitches in his lower abdomen. And he doesn’t even care if it makes him super fucking gay, but he already had his mom go get him some cocoa butter because he is so not down with scarring. He’s been working far too hard on his stomach and his tan to let a fucking appendectomy come along to ruin his party and his good looks.
So yes, he’s moping. And he’s bored. He also sort of feels bad because he keeps yelling at everyone. But hey, he never said he was nice.
Donna comes in then, fretting and fluffing his pillows. It makes him feel about five years old, but hey, he might as well enjoy it. He even smiles a little when she leans over to kiss his forehead.
“Jenny,” she starts, and Jensen resists the urge to roll his eyes at her. “I know you’re upset you can’t go to your party. But you just had surgery. You need to rest.”
“I know,” he sighs, and she cups his pale cheek. He feels like shit, he’s all loopy on painkillers, Jared and Chad are probably on their way to the lake right now, and he’s at home in bed being coddled by his mother.
“I just came up here to see if you need anything,” she tells him. Jensen takes in his arsenal, all spread out on his queen sized bed. He’s got his laptop, cell phone, remote control, a water bottle, his pain pills, and snacks. He just stares at her blankly. “You can order anything you want from On Demand and –“
“Mom,” he says, cutting her off and holding up his hand. “I’m fine. I know you’re up here just to make sure I’m not like, contemplating suicide or whatever because I can’t go to the party, but I’m not, okay? I’m fine. I’m just going to watch some TV and go to sleep.”
“Okay baby,” she says, leaning over to kiss his forehead again. He lets out a sigh and kisses her cheek. He smiles at her as she leaves the room.
Jensen tries to sleep, but it’s barely nine and the painkillers he’s on sort of make the pattern on his ceiling immensely fascinating, so he just stares up at it blankly. The summer sun has finally completely set, so the only light in his room is the soft blue glow of the television.
His eyes start to droop, finally. So of course that’s when someone flicks on his bedroom light and jumps onto his bed. Jensen’s eyes pop open and pain rips through his belly. He turns his head to glare at his attacker, but he blinks in confusion when he sees Jared lying next to him.
“What’s up, invalid?” Jared asks, moving all of Jensen’s things to the floor so he can settle comfortably on the bed. Jensen just stares at him, the light from the lamp casting sort of a halo around Jared’s head. He blinks sleepily again. He hasn’t seen Jared much since he left the hospital, mother’s orders so he can get some much needed rest, and Jensen can’t help but remember Jared’s panicked expression when he collapsed, the way Jared’s hand circled his entire wrist as he called 911. He thinks of the bruises on his wrist, deep purple smudges that he can’t seem to stop touching. They’re starting to fade now, shifting from purple to brown and yellow. For some reason, this irritates Jensen. He sort of wants them to stay.
“Wait a minute,” Jensen says, his drug-induced haze clearing a little bit. He’s so used to having Jared in his room that it didn’t even occur to him that he’s supposed to be elsewhere. “What are you doing here?”
“Dude, I have way too many egg rolls here,” Jared says, gesturing to a giant, delicious smelling bag that’s probably getting grease all over Jensen’s duvet. “Who else is gonna help me eat them?”
“Uh, the hundreds of people at the lake?” Jensen ventures. Jared gives him a look like Jensen is just a little bit special before toeing off his sneakers and kicking them to the floor.
“Dude,” Jared starts, taking plates and utensils out of the bag. He gets sauce on his thumb and Jensen’s eyes track the movement as he sucks it off. Jensen blinks a few times. “We were planning to go to this thing for like, months. I’d feel like an asshole if I went without you.”
Jensen gets this tight, warm feeling in his chest and he can feel himself grinning over at his best friend.
“We’re gonna party here,” Jared continues. “I was even gonna go all elementary school style and pitch a tent in the backyard, but Donna said I couldn’t, like, jostle you, or something. So I got Chinese and crappy horror movies instead.” Jensen opens his mouth to speak, but Jared cuts him off. “And I swear to god, dude. If you get all mushy and gay on me, I will brain you with your own oversized remote control.”
“Isn’t Alexis going to be pissed at you?” Jensen ventures, biting down on the grin threatening to crack his face. The smile turns into a concerned frown when Jared winces slightly.
“She’ll get over it,” Jared says casually, picking up a plastic fork and twirling it a little. “And if she doesn’t – well, it’s not the end of the world.”
“Jared,” Jensen starts, unsure of what to say. He should tell him to go to the party, to be with his girlfriend. But instead, he wants to be selfish. He wants Jared there with him. Maybe it’s the three days of being confined to his own bed, but he feels like he’ll be devastated if Jared leaves right now.
Luckily, Jared effectively ends the conversation by getting up to put a movie in. Jensen pulls himself up to sit against the headboard with a wince and a grunt, and Jared gets back on the bed next to him, careful not to jar him this time. Jared carefully scoops out large portions of Jensen’s favorite Chinese foods out onto a paper plate and hands it over, doing the same for himself before pressing play.
The movie is horrible. So horrible that Jensen laughs hard enough to hurt his stitches and Jared chokes on an egg roll while laughing at that. They mock it and create their own dialogue, Jensen voicing the blonde starlet that keeps flashing her tits and Jared doing the menacing killer. All in all, it’s shaping up to be a pretty perfect night.
That is until about halfway through the movie, when Jared’s cell phone rings loudly on the nightstand. When Jared grabs it, he’s sitting close enough that Jensen can clearly see Alexis’s name on the display. Jared presses pause, smiles apologetically at Jensen, and gets up to answer it.
“Hey Lexi,” Jared answers, pacing near Jensen’s desk and biting his thumbnail. “No, I already told you that. I’m not – no, Lexi. Yes, I’m at Jensen’s.” Jensen looks down, cheeks flushing with guilt. “Lexi, I watched him – I mean, he just had surgery.” Another long pause. Jensen can tell the moment she starts raising her voice, because the sound carries over to him. “No, I’m not. I told you that earlier, so I don’t know why you’re yelling at me now.” Jared stops in his pacing, and Jensen catches a glimpse of his profile. He’s angry. “If that’s how you want it, that’s perfectly fine by me. Whatever, Alexis. Yeah, bye.”
Jensen assumes that if it were possible to slam a cell phone, Jared would have.
Jared takes a deep breath and drops the phone onto the desk, where it lands with a clatter that makes Jensen jump. Jared finally turns around and gives Jensen a weak smile. He throws his arms out to the side in an exaggerated shrug.
“Guess who’s single again?” Jared exclaims. He’s smiling weakly, but there is a crease between his brows. Jensen has been there for all of Jared’s break ups, but most of Jared’s relationships have all been short little flings that ended amicably. Hell, Jared is still friends with all of his exes. But he’s never been with anyone as long as Alexis. Jensen is sort of at a loss. He has the sudden desire to call Jeff, but he stamps it down.
“Shit, Jared,” Jensen says sympathetically, kicking off the blankets and swinging his feet over the side of the bed to stand up. He wobbles a little at first. He’s pretty much only been getting up to go to the bathroom.
He quickly crosses the room, ignoring the pain in his belly as he throws his arms around Jared in a tight hug. Jared’s arms settle around his waist, his head dropping down to rest on Jensen’s shoulder.
“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” Jared mumbles, his lips brushing against the soft skin of Jensen’s neck. It sends a tiny little shiver through Jensen’s entire body.
“Shut up,” Jensen replies, giving Jared another brief squeeze. He sort of wants to hang on even tighter, but he pulls away and claps his hands down on Jared’s shoulders. “You gonna be okay, man?”
“Yeah,” Jared shrugs. “It wasn’t like I thought it was gonna last forever. Lexi is cool and all, but we’re way too different, man.” Jensen nods. He could have told Jared that months ago. “It’s just that – I’m sixteen years old. Sometimes I want to act that way. I couldn’t be myself around her.”
“You can be yourself around me,” Jensen says, and then bites down on his bottom lip. He’s not sure why he said that. Jared smiles a little, reaching up to pat Jensen’s flank before pulling away from Jensen’s hold on his shoulders. Jensen flexes his fingers, his hands suddenly cold after the heat of Jared’s skin.
“I know, Jen. And thanks,” Jared replies. Jensen sits back down on the side of the bed, his breath catching in his throat slightly as Jared kicks off his jeans and rummages through Jensen’s dresser to get a pair of pajama pants. Jensen shakes his head, pulling his gaze away from Jared’s long legs to settle himself back in bed. Jared presses play on the DVD player and snags another egg roll from the carton as he gets in bed next to Jensen.
It feels almost strange, being this close to Jared. They’ve shared a bed like this countless times, but tonight Jared feels too warm, too close. Not close enough.
Jensen isn’t sure what the fuck is going on.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen says, turning to look at Jared. “I feel kinda responsible.”
“Shut the fuck up, man.” Jared takes a huge bite of egg roll and looks over at Jensen. “I’m where I wanna be, alright?”
Jensen nods, warmth blossoming low in his belly. He’s felt weird all night, heart stuttering every time he looks Jared in the eye.
Later, once they hit the third disc of their Family Guy marathon, Jared suddenly slumps over. His cheek is mashed against Jensen’s shoulder and Jensen lifts his arm to drape it around Jared’s shoulders, trying to get more comfortable.
He watches Jared sleep. He studies the way Jared’s unruly hair falls into his eyes, watches the way Jared’s cheeks get pinker as he sleeps, counts Jared’s warm puffs of breath against his skin. Jensen can feel the fond smile on his face, the way his heart beats against his ribcage.
It hits him then, exactly what has been going on. Why he’s felt weird all night, why he wants Jared close, why he doesn’t want Jared’s marks to fade from his skin. Jensen snatches his hand away from Jared’s shoulder, his jaw dropping open, terror spiking through him like ice. He’s figured it out. But no, this can’t be happening.
It took him two years, but he finally did it.
He’s breaking his promise.
He’s falling in love.
[2008]
So the thing is, Jensen is pretty much in love with his best friend…
[end]