Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Soobin-ah, wanna join me for a walk?” Yeonjun asked one night while they were watching a movie together. 

The younger members gave them a look but didn’t say anything. It was weird for Yeonjun to ask someone to accompany him on a walk, and even more weird when the someone was Soobin. The oldest of the group usually enjoyed spending his lone time on his own. 

He grabbed a hoodie and followed the older out the door. This could mean only two thing. Either Yeonjun had some serious shit to talk to him about, or as the eldest two of the group, they had to discuss a problem regarding the younger members. 

“What’s going on with you and Beomgyu?” Yeonjun broke the silence once they were out of the apartment complex and were walking down the path in the playground nearby.

“Beomgyu?” Soobin questioned back, just to be sure. 

“Come on, Soobs,” the older groaned in annoyance, “we’re not blind.”

They took a seat side by side on the creaky swings, with their hands in their pockets. Their legs were long enough to keep them safe, no use for hands to hold the chains. The moon shone brightly in the sky but the streetlights around them outshone it. Pitiful.

He thought about it. Way before Yeonjun called him out. There were no secrets in the group and he wasn’t planning on keeping this as one. But all of them seemed to understand whatever situation Beomgyu and he were in without them having to say anything.

Yet, he was expecting at least a word from their oldest member. Afterall, it was an aspect which would affect the group and its dynamic as well. 

“I like him.” 

Yeonjun half-laughed, “We all like Beomgyu, Binnie.”

“No,” Soobin chuckled airily, he knew what the older was aiming for, “Not the way I like him, hyung.”

“Like how? How do you like him, Mr. Leader?”

“I don’t know,” Soobin thought for a while, looking up at the stars which were merely visible thanks to the pollution, “I like him in the way that I want to kiss him all the time. Do you want to kiss him too, Yeonjun-shi?”

“Wha… Ew. NO! Who would want to kiss that brat?” Yeonjun visibly gagged at the words and his face contorted in extreme disgust, just what Soobin wanted to see. 

“I do!” The taller man shrieked back, offended, despite the smile on his face from successfully teasing his hyung. 

“Oh well, except you, no one would want to kiss Beomgyu.” Yeonjun announced and immediately shuddered after, “Just thinking about it makes me want to jump off a cliff.”

Soobin laughed, throwing his head back as he rocked back and forth on the swings which, to be honest, were a bit too small for their age and Yeonjun joined him as well. Amidst the constant honks from vehicles from the main roads, their giggles and playful banters and teasings seasoned the night.

“I’m happy for you but you know what this means, right?” Yeonjun said after a while. He was kicking up the dust with his shoes, a small flurry of sand around his feet.

Soobin looked down, the previous smile disappearing. Of course, he knew.

“I know.”

The older nodded slowly in acknowledgement of his worry, “Don’t get hurt, hm? Both Beomgyu and you.”

“We won’t.” Soobin had told him with a small smile. 

He didn’t know if he said that to promise Yeonjun or to convince himself that they’d be fine. He thought he would do anything to keep Beomgyu happy, to protect their love, to cover them, hidden from the world. He thought he’d be able to do it then.

*

“Wanna go to Daegu with me?” Beomgyu asked him one night in Soobin’s room, half cuddling in Soobin’s bed because it wasn’t big enough for them to lie down together.

“Why so sudden?” Soobin questioned back from where he laid his head on Beomgyu’s lap, while the latter slowly carded his hand through his hair. It was so comforting to be dotted on by Beomgyu and the leader never let a chance slip.

“I don’t know. You were so sad when I took Kai earlier when you already had plans.” The younger told him, “Besides, my mom is always asking for you. She likes you so much, you know.”

“When do we go?” The leader took the hand that was playing with his hair and brought it to his lips to give a gentle kiss.

“The next break we get.”

The winter had passed, spring had ended and it was already summer again. The time when insects happily sang and shaved ice became popular, when sun blocks sold out so soon.

“Soobin!” Beomgyu’s mom yelled as soon as they got out of the vehicle, “It’s so good to finally see you here in Daegu.”

“Hello!” Soobin greeted her with a polite bow, one to Beomgyu’s father who waved them from the door. 

It was only a day’s stay, right before they set off on their second world tour. They had a lot of memories with their first one a year and a half ago. Undoubtedly, the members got closer than they were already before, and there were a lot of failures as well owing to their inexperience. It was their first and hence, it was acceptable. The second time, they were sure that they would make everything right, with more practice and careful outlook. 

Beomgyu felt bad for bringing Soobin here when he should be spending time with his own family as well. 

“It’s okay, Beomie. Just spending it with you is enough,” he had said when Beomgyu apologised.

They spent the morning talking to Beomgyu’s parents, going through the portions of their life they lived apart from their parents. It was a wholesome conversation. They were fed many fruits, snacks and a hearty lunch. It might have been the most Soobin had eaten that year.

During the day, Beomgyu’s father had gone out fishing with his peers and his mom left for the market to get some ingredients for making japchae. Soobin had let it slip that he was craving for japchae and Mrs. Choi, being the good soul she was, set on making him some to have as an early dinner before they leave.

Toto flew around freely in the backyard, not caring for Beomgyu’s call. It was like the owner and the pet were having a screaming battle with Beomgyu yelling out ‘Toto!’ and Toto, in turn, making noises of its own.

“I give up,” Beomgyu sat down on the chair in the patio, exasperated and done, “Toto’s one ungrateful child.”

On the chair next to Beomgyu, the older sat down as well, “Understandable. Given that the owner is you.”

A menacing punch landed on Soobin’s arm making him chuckle. He was immune to Beomgyu’s attack by now. If you are someone who complains a lot about pain, or cannot withstand pain, you will not survive Choi Beomgyu.

“Let me try,” he offered, “Toto? Toto? Toto-yah.”

“It’d only be a waste of energy. Toto doesn’t even remember me. Why would he come to you?” Beomgyu humoured, arms folded.

“Still, it won’t hurt to try,” the older rebuked, and tried calling the green bird once again. To their surprise, the bird flew towards them and sat on Soobin’s forearm. 

“Oh oh oh Beomgyu, look, toto came, look ,” Soobin chanted excitedly, eyes as wide as saucers as he lifted his arm along with the bird.

“How dare you-” Beomgyu gasped in disbelief, “Toto, you traitor!”

His cheeks were puffed up in feigned annoyance and then, he picked up the garden hose laying by, turning on the water pipe, and aimed it in the direction of the bird and owner-wannabe.

“Choi Beomgyu!” Soobin shrieked with the first hit of the cool spray of water and Toto flew away, leaving him to suffer alone. Indeed, Choi Toto, a traitor.

The artificial moving rain didn’t stop and Beomgyu cackled like a maniac as he ran after Soobin in the backyard, wetting the taller from head to toe. There were drops of water dripping from Soobin’s hair, shirt and pants. And the younger was having the time of his life at the sight of a screaming Soobin looking so pissed.

But his celebration didn’t last long. Soobin lunged forward, successfully retrieving the hose from him and holding him in place with one arm around his stomach. Then, he faced the hose directly to his head and sprayed the water to his hair, drenching both of them.

There were loud screams erupting from both of them, not caring if anyone heard them. They felt like kids all over again, playing and laughing till their stomachs hurt and it felt so wonderful and lovely. Did they sacrifice this immense happiness for their dreams?

“You know I hate you, right?” Beomgyu glared at him with venom in his eyes as he squeezed the end of his shirt to draw out water.

“I do,” Soobin spat back, turning off the pipe, “I hate you the most too.”

Their words didn’t match their action when Beomgyu  walked up to him and ruffled the older’s wet hair, separating each lump to let it dry soon in the soon with the sweetest and shyest smile adorned on his face and how Soobin’s hands rested on the dip of his waist reassuringly.

Beomgyu’s father still hadn’t returned home by the time they had dinner. Early dinner to be exact. They had to leave before seven to prepare for their month-long journey overseas. Beomgyu’s mom grumbled all the while she prepared dinner that her husband wasn’t there when they wouldn’t be seeing their son for a month.

It was just the three of them but the sound at the dinner table was of a huge feast’s. With Beomgyu’s mom fussing over Beomgyu not eating much and the bratty son whining against the food. Beomgyu’s mother must have a different level of patience, because eventually, she did manage to let his son eat what she wanted him to eat by coaxing ever so softly until Beomgyu finally gave in. He took proper notes in his mental diary of the technique in case it became useful in the future.

“Look at Soobin,” she jerks her head to Soobin, “Is he complaining?”

Beomgyu scoffed, “Come on, Mom. You made all the dishes he likes. Why would he complain?”

“He’s a guest, Beomie,” his mom reasoned, “we don’t know when he’d visit again.” 

She then turned to Soobin and urged him to eat more with a smile that could drive away the darkest clouds. Soobin could see where Beomgyu got his gorgeous smile from. And he did eat a lot. Just not out of gratitude, but because the food was genuinely delicious.

“Oh how I wish you were my son,” she dreamily wondered, “If I had a daughter, I would have made you my son-in-law.”

The way she said the last sentence, she sounded sorrowful as she spared a glance to her son who was picking on his food with his spoon. Beomgyu didn’t look up from the staring contest he was having with his bowl of rice and Soobin had a feeling that the woman knew everything about them. Even things they didn’t know themselves.

“I’m sorry about what my mom said earlier,” Beomgyu told him once they got back to the dorm. 

The younger was sitting on the bed, drying Soobin’s hair with the hair dryer while he sat on the floor. It was something that lurked around them the entire way home. They were bound to have this conversation sooner or later. 

“Why would you be sorry? It’s not your fault that she likes me so much.” He tried to joke. 

“Hyung.” Beomgyu deadpanned putting down the dryer. It was almost done, but the younger wanted his protest to be known.

As expected, Soobin turned around and took a hold of his hands and stared up at him with the stars in his eyes shimmering. Beomgyu felt like he could cry right then and there. Why did Soobin always look at him like he was the cause of light, both during the day and at night?

“So what if your mom doesn’t have a daughter?” Soobin smiled softly, “I can still be her son-in-law.”

The younger hid a tear under the laugh he let out, “Really?” He knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from Soobin himself just for reassurance.

“Really,” he engulfed the younger’s hands entirely, making the latter feel all the security he needed, “What do I do when you’re prettier than all the daughters on the planet?”

That earned an actual laughter from Beomgyu, the tears long dried as he punched Soobin’s chest lightly in pretended irritation. 

They were pushing away their worries till they were thrown at them right in the face. It was a terrible form of procrastination but they were in their peak years of their career. They already had a lot on their plates and they didn’t want to add another thing to ponder on. 

*

Each of them were pretty busy throughout the tour. Despite being in a foreign country, they didn’t have enough time to roam around and explore places they didn’t get to in the first tour. Besides, maybe it was because of the advancing ages, their bodies didn’t cooperate with them as they used to and at the end of a day’s concert, they would drop dead on their beds in their hotel rooms.

In between all of the contents-filming and concerts, they had to prepare for future projects as well. Huening Kai and Beomgyu were working on new music, a laptop was always with them while Taehyun researched more and wrote many versions of the same song in case they didn’t work out. Yeonjun was featured in some other group’s song as a rapper-songwriter and he too, was working extra hard to not let anyone down.

As for Soobin, he had a big screen project coming up. It was a movie, directed by one of the greatest directors of the times who already had tens of movies doing wonders in the box office. When he heard that he was offered one of the lead roles in the movie, he was beyond overwhelmed.

Years of being stuck in the silver screen, dramas and web dramas of different genres, he was finally going to be in a movie. That too, playing the role of a pilot. And the icing on the cake? It wasn’t a romance movie! Not that he had anything against romance, but he was happy to try something new.

The script reading was already done just before they left for their world tour, and filming was to be done just as they arrived back in Korea. He practised his lines during breaks, facial expressions in the shower and looked up several movies and acts involving people in air forces. He had never been this excited for a solo project and was determined to not let anything ruin his big moment.

They just had their ninth concert in Europe. Two more days and they’d be flying back to Korea. The past month had been a roller coaster of emotions for them. There were days where they cried with immense gratitude and days where they parted with promises to meet each other again. 

The night before their departure, Taehyun and Kai had left for a little bonding activity to Pokemon land and Yeonjun had gone to meet up with one of his dancer friends that had resided there. 

Soobin too, had plans with a senior actor he worked with in his latest hit drama. She was there in Europe for vacation and after getting the news that Soobin was there too, she had invited over to the well known private restaurants in the city, one specifically known for the most frequented places by celebrities owing to their contract of privacy-keeping.

“Come with me, Gyu,” he coaxed Beomgyu for the tenth time in the last hour, “it’d be boring to stay alone here.”

The younger male rolled over on the bed, head hanging upside down on the edge of the bed, as he glared at Soobin’s reflection in the full-length mirror, as the leader got dressed. 

“And what do you want me to do while you guys have your ‘actors talk’?” 

Soobin sprayed on his perfume, rubbing his wrists together and doing the same with each on the side of his neck. He had a button down shirt, neatly tucked into his pants for once. Soobin never did. It was actually Yeonjun and him who were enthusiasts for tucked in shirts.

At the back of his mind, Beomgyu wondered bitterly why he was so dressed up for. Soobin never wore shirts when he was with Beomgyu. It was always his old grey t-shirt and sweatpants. 

“I don’t have anything to talk about either. I’m going there to not sound disrespectful.” He sat down on the bed and a whiff of his perfume greeted Beomgyu, “I would feel more at ease if you’re with me, Beomie. You know how much I suck at talking to people I’m not that close with.”

The younger sat up, cross legged, “how can you not be close with her? You filmed together for like eight months?!”

“Still,” Soobin tried, “what I’m saying is just go with me. Let’s finish the dinner quickly and go somewhere for the rest of the night, hm?”

Damn Soobin and his Beomgyu convincing abilities. Eventually, he ended up sitting besides Soobin in just a thin cardigan with unstyled ruffly hair and waiting for their unnecessarily expensive meal to arrive.

The woman before them was older than them by only five years yet she had been in the entertainment industry far longer than them and one of the most respected artists in the Korean Industry. Beomgyu himself had enjoyed a couple dramas she starred in and even bawled his eyes out watching one. However, he didn’t feel particularly enthusiastic to meet her given the looks she had been giving him since she arrived.

The dinner was her choice too, and she had ordered seafood. And neither Soobin nor Beomgyu could say anything. He had picked on the few vegetables that came along with it and called it a day with them. Soobin had sneaked a hand under the table and squeezed his thigh in a silent apology when it wasn’t even his fault.

He sat through the dinner listening to them exchange talks about their ‘acting experiences’, while he dug in on the dessert, that being the only food he enjoyed that night. He was halfway eating his tiramisu when Soobin abruptly left the table to take a call and Beomgyu internally cursed him for doing so.

He dared not look up from his dessert and continued on stuffing the tiramisu bit by bit into his mouth. He prayed that Soobin would return soon so that they could leave soon.

“Beomgyu-shi,” the actress began, “I’ve listened to a few of your music and I have to say, you’ve got quite the talent.”

“Yes?” Beomgyu was taken by surprise, “Ah yes! Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.” He put on his most polite smile as he counted every second in hopes of seeing the older turn around the corridor from the bathroom and save him from having another awkward conversation. He might be an extrovert and a good talker but it really depended on the person he was with.

“Soobin and you,” she looked at him with scrutinising eyes, “you guys are a thing, aren’t you?”

The younger idol spluttered on his tiramisu. His first instinct was to look around and check if people outside of the entertainment industry heard it. People within were a little safer because they wouldn’t dare expose another entertainer’s life like that.

“N-no?!” He tried, as he waved his hands in denial and another forced smile on his face, at the very least, “Y-you got the wrong idea.” 

But his voice sounded scared and unsure. Pretty sure it gave everything away for the lady was smirking away into her wine glass. Why was Soobin still not back?

“You can’t fool me, Beomgyu-shi,” she accused, a teasing glint in her eyes, “I’ve seen the way Soobin looks at you.”

She seemed nonchalant as she said that and Beomgyu knew better. He kind of knew what would follow. Most likely a ‘but’. That was how he imagined every scenario including his and Soobin’s relationship to go. 

“But,” as expected, “you know the consequences, right? The world is already too cruel to us, artist, and if they happened to know this? You will have no breaks, Beomgyu-shi. There are a lot of male-female dating scandals going around in the industry and you’ve seen how people reacted to it.”

Beomgyu knew. That was the first thing that popped into his mind when he came to terms with his feelings. But it was too late. He had fallen deep and he wouldn’t make it out of the pit all alone on his own. He had mulled over the thought over and over and chose to take the leader’s hand because he believed as long as it didn’t get past their group. Everything would be okay.

Everything was okay. Until now. This was the start of a different chapter in their story. The chapter where everything gets worse, where they were not in control of your own story and being played like puppets on a string.

“I know,” he admitted. With head casted down on his lap, he dug his thumbs into each other as if punishing himself.

The actress sighed like she was dealing with a dumb kid, “I’m glad that you know it, but Beomgyu-shi, idol lives are different from actors. Even if something happens, you have your agency to back you up and for the sake of the group, the chances of getting cancelled are very low. But for actors? One small stain in our image and our whole career is done. We go solo unlike idols who go in groups, Beomgyu-shi. ”

She took her bag from the chair beside her and placed it on the table, an indication that she would leave soon and continued, “Soobin is an aspiring actor. He is talented and he has so much potential. It’d be such a shame to let it go to waste.”

He couldn’t face her even when she stood up. His face heated up in embarrassment on being confronted with his inner conflict by someone whom he met today for the first time. It felt like he was left naked in front of millions of people.

He didn’t want to come off as rude for not seeing off the actress when she was leaving. Just in time, Soobin arrived, sparing him a worried glance and leaving him to walk the actress out to the door. 

He brought his hands to his face and breathed heavily into it. How did they come to this? A few days ago, they were happy and in love in their own bubble. But now that he knew they were that obvious to a stranger to the point of being lectured, other people must have noticed too. At this point, he thought it was a matter of time before they were dragged by the public and showered with disgusted remarks.

“You okay?” Soobin asked as soon as he returned to his side. There was a frown on his face and his lips were pursed out in deep wonder of why it could be that the younger looked emotionally constipated all of a sudden. 

Beomgyu hated that look on Soobin. He always wanted to see him happy. Only happy. No other. And the fact that he was currently making him worry punched him right in the gut. Couldn’t he do one thing right?

“Let’s go back, hyung,” he begged in shaky exhales, pushing back the chair he was sitting with an irritating screech as he stood up. 

“Back as in the hotel?” Soobin looked utterly confused, “Are you feeling unwell?”

He swatted away the older’s hands when they tried to reach for his forehead. He couldn’t afford being at the receiving end of Soobin’s affection when all his previous sweet actions were causing ripples of guilt inside of himself.

“What’s wrong?” Soobin aimed for his hands this time and he was too slow to pull  away, “Are you hungry? I’m so sorry that the food had to be seafood. Let hyung buy you something you like, hm? How about fries and burgers? Without tomatoes, just the way you like?”

Beomgyu shook his head, and pleaded with his eyes because he knew Soobin would always give in to them.

“I don’t feel like eating. Let’s…let’s just go back. Please.”

Soobin didn’t push him further. Their way home was filled with silence instead of Beomgyu’s whines and giggles like always. The night, despite being adorned with stars, suddenly looked gloomy. 

Once they were inside the hotel elevator, just the two of them, on their way to the seventeenth floor, Soobin held him by his wrist and embraced him, his chin resting on the younger’s shoulder. The latter did not respond to the hug. 

Yet Soobin swayed both of them slowly, keeping his hold firm. It did wonders to Beomgyu’s spiralling mind, the leader had full knowledge of that. And he fell even more for him. How pathetic of him?

“What’s with the sudden mood drop?” The older mumbled against his head, “Was it because of the food or did I do something you didn’t like?”

“No,” Beomgyu answered, muffled from where his face was pressed into Soobin’s broad shoulder. It really wasn’t. Yes, it might involve him but it could never be the older’s fault.

Soobin pulled away and placed his hands on his jaws, gently cupping it and smiled softly, dimples peeking out, “Will a kiss make it better?”

The younger was about to scoff but even without an answer, Soobin leaned his head a little and placed a delicate kiss on his forehead.”

“Hyung!” Beomgyu whined, ignoring the fluttering butterflies in his stomach.

“You want more?” Soobin teased, and Beomgyu laughed a little, “you’ll have to wait til we get to our room, then.”

They reached Korea late the following night and they were given the next day off to restore their energy. They spent a good 24 hours lounging around in their dorm. Their dorm had upgraded a lot in the past few years as they advanced more in the career. Gone were small and humid rooms, replaced with spacious ones with even a laundry section. 

Each of them had bought their share of estates, from buildings to lands. But it still felt weird to live alone while still working together. Besides, they had gotten so used to the dorm life that they couldn’t stand not being in close radii to each other. 

So they bought a large apartment in the complex where most A-list celebrities reside and resided together, chipping in the money for the purchase like they always used to. It was fun this way.

The day they went back to work, it was a rainy day. Usually, it rained on the day of their comeback and it was considered a lucky omen for the success of their comeback. Yet, today, the dampness of the weather trespassed to their hearts as well.

“What do you mean I’m removed?!” Soobin yelled at his manager for the first time in his career. 

“Soobin, please calm down,” the manager tried to soothe him, making him sit down on the chair in the studio and handing him a bottle of water. 

He couldn't calm down. He had a lot of questions in his mind and none of them made sense to him. Why would they remove him after they had completed everything from the script reading to outfit fitting? Why the sudden change of heart?

All of them were answered when his manager showed him his phone, displaying a message from the company officials. He stared at it, glared at it, to be exact. And he was rendered speechless. He had nothing more to say. All the arguments and resentment he previously had washed down by the rain. 

A screenshot of a reporter contacting the company asking if the context of the picture was true. And the picture was a CCTV footage picture of him kissing Beomgyu’s forehead inside the elevator. He kind of understood things now.

“They said they couldn’t risk their budget and cast you.” The manager told him softly, cautious that one wrong word would make him snap. 

Soobin remained silent. He hated to admit it but he felt defeated. He had nothing to say. He couldn’t even deny it. It was the truth and he had no intention of hiding it. But could he not? When just a picture of the back of their heads from a CCTV made him lose his project? If it was worse, they’d be banished from the country. 

“Don’t worry, we have tracked down the person who sent this to the media and talked to the media as well. We managed to erase it before it got out to the world.” The manager patted his shoulder and continued, “Unfortunately, the director saw it before we could do the damage control and…”

“It’s okay,” Soobin told him off. Because of him, his poor manager was having a hard time as well. They had been reckless enough for all of this to happen.

“Do the others know?” He asked with a heart full of fear at the worst possible scenarios that could happen, “Does Beomgyu know?”

The other man sighed, “They didn’t before but they might know now. They had to.”

The idol let out a humourless chuckle. So, this was what everything came down to. He ran a hand through his hair not so gently, messing it into a bird’s nest. 

His next thought process did not include moping around for missing the role he was most excited for, the one he practised a lot for but rather on how to comfort Beomgyu to not make him feel bad. It wouldn’t be an easy task. He just knew it and he was mentally preparing himself for it.

Sure, he loved the project and he had learnt to enjoy acting. But Beomgyu was important, what they had was important. A role he was to play behind cameras couldn’t compare.

The door to the studio opened briefly and before shutting it back, a member of their protocol team told him that the director had come to see him and that he was waiting in the small lounge at the other side of the floor. 

On his way there, he thought about what might be the purpose of the visit. He was removed, and he was going to accept it. If the director had come to show his disappointment in him and further humiliate him, then who could blame him? He was supposed to accept that as well.

When he opened the door to the lounge, he expected a stern old man waiting for all his might to yell at him. But what greeted him made him clench his fist, all the blood in his body rising to his head. He was embarrassed, guilty and wretched terribly all at the same time.

Beomgyu was sitting with folded legs, hands on his knees, head bowed down, begging the director. Meanwhile, the director sported a straight face, looking down at the pleading young man, the muscles of his face moving with what Soobin thought were held-back words.

He took two long strides to where they were and yanked Beomgyu up by the arm. The younger looked shocked at his actions but had no choice but to crash into Soobin’s side. His legs were probably numb from sitting for God knows how long and he stood wobbly in front of Soobin. 

However, he didn’t back down that easily. He shook off the leader’s hold and proceeded to get back to his position. He didn’t even look at Soobin once.

“Beomgyu!” Soobin yelled for the second time that day.

“Please,” the younger idol ignored him and instead requested the director with the most heartbreaking eyes Soobin had ever seen on him, “it was my fault. Soobin hyung did that to calm me down. He practised so much for the role.”

“Choi Beomgyu…” Soobin attempted again, gripping onto Beomgyu’s arms tighter than necessary, pulling him up only for the boy to resist.

“Please don’t let my mistake make you lose a talented actor, Director-nim. Soobin hyung will do well, I promise. He can do a great job. Please forgive him. I’ll beg you on his behalf too. I’ll do it all day if I have to. Just…please-”

“Beomgyu! Are you crazy?!” The leader cracked and practically dragged Beomgyu up harshly that the younger’s arm might bruise. 

For the first time, when Beomgyu looked into his eyes, he could see the unshed angry and sad tears in the shorter’s eyes. His ears were red from humiliation yet he did it. And so were his eyes. He probably must have cried before too. And he was on the verge of crying again too.

The director dry-coughed a little, garnering their attention, “I’ll wait for you outside, Soobin-shi. Sort this out first.” 

And he left the room with only the two of them. There were bitter bullets in his words and Soobin would shake with unwanted fear normally. But the dishevelled sight of Beomgyu before him had paralysed him to the outside world.

Just as the door clicked shut, Soobin screamed.

“What the heck do you think you’re doing? Why do you get on your knees so easily?” He shook the shorter male violently making him lose his balance. 

When he didn’t get a response but rather a trampled over look on Beomgyu, he groaned in frustration. Why was he remaining quiet at times like this?

He paced to the door, came back again and headed to the wall only to hit the innocent concrete. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs and let everything out. The insanely enormous amount of emotions he had inside threatened to pass out through his mouth any second in this small room. But that wasn’t an ideal move. That much he knew.

He approached the still man again, softly this time. He pulled him in, and made their bodies connect everywhere, as he hugged him just like he did in the elevator. Funny how this exact same action was what brought them to the current situation.

“Why are you doing this, Choi Beomgyu? It hurts me to see you like this, you know that well,” Soobin whispered against his neck, his hot breath fanning there, “Or are you doing this to deliberately hurt me?”

That made Beomgyu release a choked sob against his chest and the little sobs turned full cries soon. He clutched onto Soobin’s shirt at his sides and wailed like a child who was denied candy. 

The older could feel his shirt dampen and the sound of the younger crying brought tears to his own eyes as well. Just what are they doing? 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m really sorry, I’m-” He chanted non-stop and Soobin had to pull away and kiss him to shut him up. 

The kiss was everything but enjoyable. It was salty from their tears and Beomgyu was still convulsing in his hold and most importantly, did not kiss him back. He was just there, letting Soobin swallow the sobs that left his throat, tears still streaming down his face. He felt pathetic there in Soobin’s arms, holding tight onto him when he should be distancing himself from the older.

“Why are you apologising when it’s my mess?” Soobin chided him when they broke apart the kiss, running his thumb under his eyes to get rid of the tears. 

The younger looked up at him with his big, round eyes that were glossy with tears Soobin never wished to see on him, “I…I ruined everything for you. I’m so foolish. You must be angry at me. I’m so sorry, hyung. I completely ruined your chance and made your hard work go to waste.”

He gulped down the lump in his throat and pushed Soobin away, taking a step back and staring at the distance between their feet. He could see the way the older’s arms fell back to his side helplessly. The drill in his heart widened and he felt as if all the blood was going to be drained out soon.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” He told him once again, “I’m just an idol. My agency will still make me work for the sake of the group. But your acting career is different. You won’t be able to get back there. All the reputations you had built so far crumbled down to dust all because of our relationship. I know you must regret everything now that-”

“Beomgyu.” 

“-now that all went wro-”

“Choi Beomgyu.” 

Soobin’s call of his name was stern and his voice was deeper than usual, sending shivers down Beomgyu’s spine for all the different reasons. He braced himself for what was about to come. Let it be a curse for ruining someone’s life or a slap across the face. He closed his eyes and waited.

“Did Ms. Lee tell you that last time?” Soobin laughed in disbelief, like all the puzzles he had in mind for the past three days fell into place, “Did she say it would be your fault if my acting career goes wrong? Did she? Tell me, Beomgyu.”

“She’s not wrong-”

“She is wrong, Beomgyu,” Soobin raised his voice, “how is she not wrong? What we have is not yours alone. I am an idol too, before I became an actor. And I can go back to being an idol anytime. Of course, I’m a little sad but that doesn’t mean I’m going to hate you or abandon you or let you do the same.”

Beomgyu was desperately trying to hold back his tears but they kept on overflowing the more Soobin spoke without his will. He was starting to get annoyed at himself when Soobin was so considerate of everything. And he took it out on his eyes. Wiping them aggressively to the point of them getting irritated and hissing himself.

“But-”

“I love you.” 

Soobin dropped the bomb and left Beomgyu to burn to ashes alone. Did he think this was a proper time for a confession? He could feel his legs getting tired and so was his heart. At this point, he believed his tear ducts were going to dry out. 

But it wouldn’t be Soobin if he stopped there.

“I love you more than my acting life or my idol life. I would throw them away if you tell me to. And I’m sorry that I can’t express my love for you like all normal people do. The world is harsh and I can endure them, but I don’t want you to. You’re so precious to me, Beomie. I can’t watch you in pain.”

The younger glared at him with blood-shot eyes and wobbly lips, threw a punch to his chest and left after shouting at him.

“Choi Soobin, you bastard!”

He went back home late, after midnight. Home, not the dorm. His apartment in Gangnam he bought a year ago. The place where both he and Beomgyu call home. It was a day where he needed some privacy and the members understood him. 

They gave him encouraging and ‘feel better’ hugs before he left. However, Beomgyu was nowhere to be seen. And he had a hunch that he might have gone home too. Their home.

He scanned his fingerprint on the door lock system, opening it with a loud, mechanical beep. He shimmied off his shoes and his heart warmed at the sight of a familiar pair of shoes on the rack. He put his just beside the pair, fondness enveloping all over again.

The living room was dark, the lights were turned off and there was no sight of the person he loved. He checked the kitchen because, apparently, Beomgyu liked to have late night snacks at this hour. He would always wake Soobin up to accompany him as he ate. Yet, the kitchen was empty too.

He left his back on the sofa, as well as his jacket and headed to the bedroom. He opened the door slowly and softly, taking feather steps just in case he found a sleeping Beomgyu. 

He complimented himself internally when he saw a figure curled up under their white covers, dark hair splayed all across the white pillow. Beomgyu’s back was facing the door, but Soobin was relieved to see him sleep. He must have been tired from all the crying earlier and the older swore there was nothing else he despised more than the sight of Beomgyu crying and him being unable to stop him. 

Quickly grabbing his towel and a set of fresh clothes from the closet, he made his way to the shower. He took his time drenching himself in the warm shower, brushed his teeth and dried his hair. And he thought about a million things too.

First conclusion he came to was that he hated seeing Beomgyu upset. To the point that he wanted to kill anyone who made him sad, and in today’s case, kill himself. He experienced all kinds of emotional and physical pain when he found Beomgyu kneeling and begging for him. He hated that Beomgyu did something like that, throwing away his idol image, keeping aside the fact that he was a successful young man with many zeros in his bank account. 

All for Soobin.

And the second conclusion was that they were not going to have it easy. They knew it, even though they didn’t talk about it. But he didn’t think it’d be to this extent. They were a group, a five member group. They wouldn’t be able to separate them. 

But like all people do, he and Beomgyu wouldn’t be able to go on dates, kiss openly, or show any sign of affection outside of their room. And it pained him to be forbidden to do that. Because Beomgyu deserved to be showered with all his love, entertained with the grandest surprises and fed with the priciest delicacies of the world. 

The company had called for a meeting with the two of them tomorrow. And he knew he wouldn’t be able to say anything. He was a coward, a scaredy cat. He promised that he would protect them, but the world was just too strong. When they were so small. 

He sat on the bed, and watched the man who was now sleeping on his back one arm above his head. His eyes were still puffy and he looked paler than usual. Leaning down, he placed a kiss on each of his eyes, a silent apology for making him spill tears. 

He was about to pull the covers above himself when the younger shifted in the bed. 

“Soobin?”

He blinked his eyes open and tiredly stared at him, a small curve at his lips. The moonlight peeking through the window did no justice to his beauty. Soobin would fall again if he wasn’t too deep in it already. 

“Hmm,” Soobin answered, taking his hand and squeezing it comfortingly. Yet, he did it cautiously, afraid that Beomgyu would pull away like before. And the way he left, the younger had called him a bastard. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he got kicked off the bed.

However, Beomgyu only snuggled closer to his body, laying his head on top of Soobin’s stomach. 

“Are you still angry at me?” He combed through the younger’s hair as he rested his back on the two stacked pillows. 

“No.” Beomgyu mumbled, his hands playing with the older’s free hand, “I never was.”

“You called me a bastard earlier.”

The younger jolted up, almost hitting him in the chin with his head. With narrowed eyes and unimpressed look, he stared at him for a second and started hitting his chest repeatedly.  Beomgyu really had a thing for hitting Soobin with his little hands. And Soobin was even weirder for finding it adorable.

“We were fighting and…and…and,” he racked his brain for the right words but soon gave up when Soobin raised an eyebrow. So annoying.

“Forget it,” he turned away, flopping down on his side, just like before. 

Soobin smiled in the dark and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around the smaller’s waist over the covers and kissed the top of his head. He smelled like their shampoo, but as always, Soobin liked it better when he smelled it on Beomgyu.

“I got the role back.”

“Really?!” 

Beomgyu turned around so fast and this time, successfully hit Soobins nose right in the bridge then immediately panicked.

“I’m s-sorry, hyung,” he rambled as his hand hovered helplessly over Soobin’s nose where the older male had covered with his own hand,, “oh my god! I’m so happy. Is it bleeding? Does it hurt? I’m sorry. Let me go take some tissues. Do you taste blood? But you got the role back!”

There were two different expressions co-existing in Beomgyu’s face and Soobin could see how the excitement was a bit more than actually worrying about him. Of course, it’s Beomgyu. What was he expecting anyway?

“What did the director say?” The younger asked once he wasn’t hyper anymore and after making sure that Soobin wasn’t having a nosebleed.

Both of them were sitting upright in the middle of the bed, covers pooling around their feet. 

“Nothing,” Soobin answered, “I guess he was touched that he decided to give me a chance.”

The younger let a relieved smile adorn his face and Soobin didn’t know if he wanted to kiss him or beat him up for being so stupid.

“Next time,” he took both of the smaller hands in his, and coaxed him into looking him in the eyes, “don’t do anything like that, hm? You’re a successful idol, have some dignity.”

He got a giggle as an answer. Followed by the hands withdrawing from his hold to tie themselves together at the back around his neck and a flash of his sparkly eyes.

“I don’t care about my dignity as long as I get to see you happy.”

Soobin snorted at that, “You sure are dumb, aren’t you?”

“But you’re dumber.”

“That is true,” the older leaned closer, touching their foreheads, “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.”

“You should never yell at me again,” Beomgyu pouted, Soobin could see when he casted his eyes down, “You’re scary when you yell.”

He went back a little, one hand cupping Beomgyu’s jaw and the other reaching for his arm, “Were you scared for real?”

The other nodded, “You should have seen yourself. I’m forever traumatised.”

Rolling up the sleeves of his t-shirt slowly, Soobin exposed the part where he gripped him tight a few hours ago. There were no marks, nor the redness that must have been there when it happened, but still Soobin felt bad.

He landed a soft kiss there, another one next to it, and another one till he covered the whole circumference. He trailed down the inside of his arm, placing ghost kisses all the way and a firm, promising one on the wrist, right where his pulse could be felt.

Beomgyu was breathing heavily, the beating of his heart quickening with each touch Soobin left. He abandoned all shame and climbed onto Soobin’s lap when the older raised his head. And kissed him like a starved man.

Tousling and tangling Soobin’s hairs with his hands, he kissed him with so much fervour that he felt dizzy in just a minute. He was about to pull back to regulate his breath but Soobin caught him, capturing his lips into yet another fiery kiss. 

His big hands rested on the younger’s waist, holding him as close as possible. He tugged and pulled, bit and sucked, not caring at how Beomgyu was pulling at his hair, a signal to slow down. He knew Boemgyu could handle it, if the way he was kissing back was any indication. 

Panting, finally they broke apart, staring at each other’s slicked and swollen lips, kiss-drunk state for a moment before Soobin pushed both of them down on the bed. 

And kissed him again with Beomgyu laying on his back. Softly this time. Little pecks here and there.

“I want to give you a hickey here,” Beomgyu said mindlessly, tracing his fingers at the junction between his neck and clavicle when Soobin plopped down beside him.

‘But I can’t .’ It was left unsaid. There was no need. Soobin got him just right.

“I think I want to marry you, hyung.” He announced all of a sudden, staring at the white ceiling, with his arm linked around Soobin’s. They’d been linking hands since forever, in pictures, lives, shows and many had pointed it out to them. 

‘It’s a platonic best friend thing,’ they had explained.

What a lie.

Platonic best friends did not kiss each other and tell each other they want to marry the other. And platonic best friends aren’t supposed to marry each other. When they were both individuals the public always had their eyes on. 

Soobin didn’t say anything. He gave his answer in the form of a kiss on his knuckles, where their wedding ring would be if they ever get married. They’d be together always, he knew, but marriage was something he couldn’t promise.

It was three in the morning and Beomgyu was clearly having literal 3 am thoughts. And Soobin loved to entertain them. Even more now, to make up for the heartache he caused the younger today.

“Soobinnie, let’s move to another country and buy a place in a peaceful village and live there. Away from cameras, studios and media. It would be so nice. Just you and me.” He dreamed aloud. 

It looked perfect in Soobin’s mind as well. Surrounded by trees and streams, not many people, a village where everyone knew each other. But they couldn’t disappear. The headline would be a big one. 

‘Lovebird idols run away from their careers. Was it worth it?’

And people would say it wasn’t, they’d say it was a waste. If they were just people who met in college, doing normal jobs then yes, they could disappear and no one would question. 

But he was allowed to dream, wasn’t he?

“And let’s get a dog. You always say you want one.”

“Oooh, oooh,” Beomgyu clapped in excitement from where he is tucked in Soobin’s arms, “A maltese, hyung. I want a maltese. It’d be so cute.”

Soobin booped his nose, “It’d look like your son. You look like a maltese too.”

“Then you’d look like an adopted Siberian husky trying to fit in with us,” Beomgyu remarked and Soobin tickled his sides till he was laughing into oblivion. 

Somewhere around 4, they had fallen asleep, basking in each other’s embrace, carefree of what the future had in store for them. Beomgyu rested his palm on his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart, calming him as well, as a chain reaction.

Before he drifted further into sleep, he gave a chaste kiss on Soobin’s lips and caressed his cheeks.

“I love you too.”

*

The meeting went on for hours. It wasn’t practically a meeting if looked closely. A lecture session. They were made to sit and then came the onslaught of reasons why they shouldn’t have done it, why being together was risky for them as well as the reputation of the company.

As Soobin said earlier, they did not separate them. It would only earn more suspicions if the members who were literally attached at the hip suddenly cut off all interactions. 

However, it was decided that there would be less on-cam screen time of the two. No more unit interviews, letting another member sit between them in shows, chopping off the stolen glances they made during shooting.

They were fine with it, as long as they get to be with each other when the cameras are off. Their company was good to be honest. The picture was also stopped from being circulated around just in time, they had managed to make the journalist and the person who took the picture from the CCTV shut their mouth on that particular topic for the rest of their lives.

The director of the movie Soobin was to film, he told Soobin his secret was safe with him. It was still a mystery how he got the news. Maybe the same journalist tipped him off. But it was okay. Everything was safe now.

He told Soobin that he would give him a chance if he promised to not slip anything again. Soobin had shook his hand and bowed down in immense gratitude but the old man had shrugged it off saying he should pay more attention to minding his surroundings than thanking people.

He also told him to take care of Beomgyu. Or in his words, ‘the member who got on his knees for you.’

Also, his movie had done so well. He gained worldwide recognition as an actor and had received so many offers after that. He returned to the silver screen twice and that too, had been great hits. That one role he almost lost had brought him so many opportunities to realise his dormant acting skills and he couldn’t be more thankful to Beomgyu. 

They continued making music, enjoying the journey, and getting closer as a group. They had the perfect harmony. Other groups would often be jealous of them. They always asked how they were already closer than family in just a short amount of time. 

It wasn’t short. They had spent four-five years together in trainee years and another five years as TXT. And all these years, they were with each other 24/7. Of course, it’d be natural that they’d get closer.

But they got to admit, their group had a definite charm. From their music to the members. Even their star signs balance each other out. One of their PD-nim told them that a group like theirs comes only once in twenty years. It was cliche yet they couldn’t help but agree with him.

Another autumn came followed by summer. Then came winter. It was the end, right before the beginning of spring. They had been doing okay. Both the group and them. No one said anything about what happened and by then, all was buried under new songs and schedules.

It was an evening in the seventh year of their career. Soobin had gone home to meet his parents after so long. It was a family gathering, his sister was there, brother too and their families as well. 

After dinner, his dad called for everyone to gather in the living room after putting his sister’s kids to sleep. Soobin could make out a vague idea on why there was going to be a sudden family meeting. He had been a part of the same situation twice before. And by no doubt, he was sure he wasn’t going to like this.

“As you all know, assemblyman Kang is my childhood best friend. He has a daughter who recently started her job as a lawyer at Woosung Law Firm.” 

His old dad glanced over to his mother who clearly looked like she was walking on eggshells at the scenes she believed would unfold in a few minutes. Soobin’s older brother looked down at his feet and refused to meet his eyes. Meanwhile, his sister was comfortably seated on the sofa with both her feet up, holding her mother’s hand as if to ground her.

Looked like everyone knew where this was leading.

Mr. Choi let out a small groan to gather the attention in the room, rubbing his palms against his knees in an attempt to not make it so awkward, “We had promised to let our youngest children marry each other since you both are roughly the same age.”

“Dad!” Soobin whined. 

He didn’t like the idea of getting married. Heck, he’s only 28 and marriage was certainly not on his list. Not when it didn’t involve Choi Beomgyu. 

His dad seemed unfazed by his protest, “And next year, before he retires from his position, we’d like to have the wedding.”

Soobin stood up. He couldn’t hold it in. With his hands firmly rolled into fists and his feet strongly imprinted on the floor, he looked at his dad in disappointment, anger and disbelief. He had seen him do the same to his brother and sister. But at least, for them it was only an order to get married with people of their choice.

Unlike an arranged marriage with someone he didn’t know. 

“I don’t want to.” He gritted out. 

“Soobin!” the old man scolded, “Don’t be absurd. I have let you do everything you’ve wanted to do. You clearly know how I was strongly against you pursuing your idol career. But I backed down for your happiness. Can’t you do just this one for my happiness?”

He sighed in exasperation, “I don’t even know her, Dad. How can I marry a person I don’t know?”

“You’ll know her, son. You have a year to get to know her before the wedding.” His dad tried to reason with him.

“I’d hate it.” Soobin muttered under his breath. But it was loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Soobin! Don’t be the mannerless child. I have respected your decision to make music. Is it so hard to do the same for my decision for once?!”

“Music! Music! Music!” He yelled and his mom reached out for his hand to hold him back, “Why are you always blackmailing me with my choice to be an idol 13 years back? You love our songs too, Dad. Why are you so against it?”

Mr. Choi looked taken aback by the outburst, or rather the fact that he got called out. He didn’t just like the songs, he loved them. He had been to every concert his son’s group had in Korea, secretly watched how his son was doing when he moved to Seoul to train when he was just 16, made a fuss with his wife to send good homemade food to their son’s dorms every two weeks.

But he hated seeing his child exhausting his body to the point of fainting, working so hard like he didn’t have parents to support him, being forced to be independent at a young age, robbing him of the childhood he could spend with him. 

Now, he just wished to see Soobin have a normal life, with his own family, visiting them on holidays where they could have dinner together. He didn’t like how he got to see his son only thrice or four times in a year. 

He also knew that Soobin wouldn’t agree that easily. Even if he explained all his feelings to him. His love for music was deeper than his love for his parents. He understood that very well. But now, he was old. He’d have only a mere twenty-fifteen more years to live. He would do anything to see his son free for at least a few years, even if it meant Soobin would hate him. 

It’s for his good , he told himself to not let the guilt overtake him.

“I’m not changing my mind. If you don’t agree to this, I suggest you give up music, Soobin. Because I no longer want to have an idol as a son. I’ll give you some time to think.”

“Dad!” Soobin yelled, not believing what he had just heard.

“ I hope you won’t let me down in front of the assemblyman. He’s a great man. Holding grudges with him wouldn’t be good for your group too. He’s powerful enough to take away what you care for so much.”

He looked to his sister, expecting her to take his side once again like she did when he said he wanted to be an idol back in his teens. However, she turned away from his gaze and the action said it all. His older brother stared at him in pity, yet unable to raise anything. 

His mom was the one who grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the living room, whispering some things Soobin didn’t pay attention to. He was too shocked to even comprehend his surroundings.

It was when the phone in his pocket rang that he realised he was now in the kitchen. Alone. He stared at the screen for a while registering the all so familiar name in his brain all over again. He was at a crossroad. And neither the roads involved the person who had called him.

He gulped and cleared his throat before picking up the call, making sure the emotions in his voice had left and it didn’t sound so strained. 

“Soobin hyung?”

The bubbly voice greeted him just as he swiped up the green button and his heart shattered into a million pieces. How would he live without hearing this one voice he’d die for? Wiping a lone tear that voluntarily escaped his eyes, he brought himself together. 

“Have you eaten?” He asked, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“Dinner was an hour ago but I’m having ice cream now. And it reminded me of you. So, I called.”

Soobin chuckled at the response and his head felt a little lighter, “Not because you missed me?” 

He leaned back on the kitchen island as the man on the other line hummed as if in deep consideration. Just the sound of Beomgyu breathing calmed him down from the storm he went through a few moments ago and now, he felt like it never happened again. 

“Why would I miss you when you’re going to come back to me anyway?” Came the reply. 

“What if I don’t?” Soobin tested the waters, gripping onto his phone a little too tightly.

“Why wouldn’t you?” Beomgyu answered like it was the most obvious thing, “You always do. If you don’t, I’ll come and get you. And then I’ll beat you up for forgetting your home.”

The younger made some punching sounds with his mouth and it elicited a small laugh from Soobin. He could imagine the satisfied look Beomgyu must have had at that moment. Like the ones he had every time he managed to make Soobin smile even a little bit.

“Finish your ice cream and go to bed soon.” He chose to say instead of saying ‘thank you’ over and over again for always finding him when his head was a mess. If he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Beomgyu mumbled something about him being too mean for not talking to him for long. Nonetheless he bid him the warmest good night bringing yet another smile to Soobin’s lips.

“See you tomorrow, Gyu.”

If his mom was standing at the door the entire time with a basket of fruits in her hands, face full of worry and sympathy, she moved away before he could turn around. If she had felt so bad for his son who had a love she knew wouldn’t be able to blossom fully and saw the peaceful face while he talked to him, she wished she could see his son like that always. 

The sad part was she couldn’t. The world was too cruel for her as well to support what her son liked.

Soobin didn’t tell anyone about the proposal his father had laid before him. Not even Beomgyu. Especially not Beomgyu.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t think about it. In fact, he thought about it day and night. On his own. He was simultaneously working on their new album and a new drama. And having lots on his mind didn’t really help him. 

He kept on making mistakes everywhere that people around him were starting to get concerned. Taehyun texted him if there was anything wrong and he had brushed it off, blaming it on the exhaustion that came with older age.

Yeonjun always looked out for him while working together and Huening Kai showed his support by giving him food and snacks when he got too absorbed in his thoughts. Each had their own way of showing they were there for him.

For Beomgyu, it was to patiently wait for him until he was comfortable with sharing whatever he had bottled up. He’d sometimes nag him but never pushed him too far. Maybe it was because he knew he’d be the first person Soobin would come to when he deemed it was ready to open up.

Unlike other issues Soobin had, this one had to be the longest one he took to sort things out. Beomgyu had no problem, he’d wait. All of them had their own worries and it was never easy to share personal thoughts with someone. 

He sometimes had these kinds of thoughts too. And there were things he hid from Soobin. Especially if it was something that could cause grief to the older. He’d rather deal with it alone than to bother an additional human. 

But they were small thoughts. He had managed to forget them in just a week. However, whatever that was bugging Soobin must be a serious matter given how the older had been so tight-lipped and private.

It scared him, to be honest. Because there were many possibilities, many things that could go wrong. It could hurt them and Beomgyu didn’t want to hurt or be hurted. It could lead them to consequences they’d not very much like. He had wondered what it could be numerous times despite the trust he had in Soobin. It bugged him consistently and he couldn’t help it.

Yet nothing could have prepared him for the real one.

“Dad asked me to get married.”

Soobin told him two months later, with his hand in the younger’s hair as Beomgyu laid his head on Soobin’s lap. They were in their bedroom, on the bed, Beomgyu randomly scrolling through the internet and Soobin playing with his hair.

The younger’s fingers came to a halt and left Soobin’s lap so fast to sit up. He abandoned his phone near the pillows as the end tips of his body started feeling cold and numb. His ears, finger tips, toes. 

“A woman.” The older added.

The room was dimly lit by the sole bedside lamp, a warm yellow hue spreading across the white bed. Even the light couldn’t add any colour to Beomgyu’s horrified pale expression. He felt his heart hollowed out, all the pulse in his body ceasing completely. He really thought he wasn’t in charge of his own body, his own muscles, unable to make any movement. 

He tried to smile, but couldn’t. He wanted to move his mouth and talk to Soobin, yet they were not following his command. He had never felt so helpless in his life. 

And Soobin sat there watching him vigilantly, as if searching for an expression he wanted to see in Beomgyu. He didn’t want to disappoint the older but he didn’t know how to react at the news. 

What was he supposed to say? 

‘Please don’t get married’ ? 

After what felt like an eternity, he finally got the courage to break his blank face, blinking  repeatedly as he averted his eyes away from Soobin. Anywhere but Soobin. He wouldn’t be able to handle Soobin’s gentle stares if he looked up.

He busied himself with the drawstrings of his hoodie, tying them together and untying them again. The back of his eyes were starting to sting and he desperately hoped Soobin didn’t say or do anything to trigger them. Looking miserable was the last thing he wanted to be.

“I have to choose between giving up music and marriage, Beomgyu-ah.” Soobin took his hand and gently stroked the back of it with his thumb. 

The touch burnt him, travelling through his veins right to his heart where it settled as a permanent scar. The first of many scars to come. His stomach churned and the acid rose to his gut, giving him a heartburn amidst the ache. It was terrible.

He opened his mouth to say something but not a single sound left him. He felt so dumb, and completely boneless. He tried again and again, battling himself throughout, exhausting himself. 

“Wh…what,” he managed, “what’d you said?”

Soobin didn’t answer. His silence was the answer. Loud and clear. 

And the first tear escaped his eye. He pulled back his hand abruptly, and they were shaking so bad as he wiped away the tear immediately. Another one on his other eye and he wiped it too, not letting it reach his cheek. 

“Beom-”

“I’m okay,” he said, although it was all but assuring, “I’m okay, hyung.” 

He made a poor attempt of a laugh, continuously rubbing the end sleeves of his hoodie that you could see the damp spot forming there. He didn’t even know what he was doing. Everything came out frantic, and his heart felt unalive. Only a hug could jumpstart it but he couldn’t even ask for it.

“I…I h..have to um…the bathroom,” 

He jumped off the bed quickly, pointing his hand to the bathroom, in desperate need to hide away from Soobin before his emotions took the better of him. 

Usually, Soobin would hold him back, pull him closer, confront him and cry with him if he had to. But tonight, he didn’t. He stayed motionless as he watched Beomgyu open the door with trembling hands and disappear. He thought he didn’t deserve to.

He could hear Beomgyu’s heart crack little by little before it shattered into minute pieces. He knew he should pick them up and piece them together. But this time, the sharp edges would make his hands bleed with fury and rage, for breaking it. It would resent him. 

He looked down at his lap and closed his eyes, letting the plump drops of tears tumble down on his grey pants, darkening it bit by bit. A wrecked sob left his throat and he made a strangled noise, several sharp needles piercing through his chest. 

He couldn’t hold it in any longer and cried into his hands. He didn’t even care if he’s being loud, it hurt so much. He wanted to claw his heart and throw it away. It should never beat again, not when he had told Beomgyu what he knew he shouldn’t ever.

It was too much. Music was what made what he was at present. Music was what made him find his purpose. Music was also what brought Beomgyu to him. He loved music, but he knew his love for Beomgyu was greater. 

Yet, he couldn’t choose him. In every future he involved Beomgyu with the given conditions, he didn’t see them happy in the open. Even if he was married or not, he’d always have to hide his love for Beomgyu. He would still have to kiss him in the dark, hold his hand in secret, call him his best friend when he had his whole heart.

Then there were his parents. The people who brought him to this world. Despite many arguments, the ones who he had always sought comfort in. What would they say if he told them he loved Beomgyu and he wouldn’t marry anyone? Would he be able to handle the look in their eyes? He didn’t want to disappoint them anymore. 

What about the flash of hurt he saw in Beomgyu earlier? The way he tried so hard to act as if his words didn’t affect him. How he tried to laugh despite being hurt by the person he loved to not make him feel bad. It would have been better if he had gotten angry at him, yelled at him and told him he hated him. 

But it was Beomgyu. The loveliest and kindest person he had ever met, the person he loved. His first love. 

And he had failed him.

He had coiled into himself on the bed as he cried his hearts out, clutching tightly at his chest, bunching up the fabric of his shirt as if doing so would relieve some of the constriction in his heart. 

He didn’t know if he fell asleep or was detached from the world for a second. But when he came back, it was when Beomgyu climbed back onto the bed and shuffled next to him. 

His eyes were red but there were no tear streaks. And his face appeared freshly washed as he smiled softly at him. A smile concealing all the pain. Soobin wanted to cry all over again. Why was he so sweet to him even when he hurt him? It made him hate himself more.

A fresh wave of tears greeted him and Beomgyu was quick to cradle his head to his chest, letting him bury his face into the warm space, breathing in his scent. The younger placed his hand firmly on the back of his head, while the other one fiddled with the hair at the base of his neck.

“We’ll be okay, hyung.” He whispered in his ears, “I love you and I’ll still love you. I think I’ll love you even if you married ten times, even if it’s not me. I love you way too much.”

Why was he here telling him he loved him when he should have left long ago? Why was he still holding Soobin in his arms when he should be punching him? Why was Choi Beomgyu giving him the soft treatment when he didn’t deserve even a bit of him? Soobin cried into his chest.

“You’re so brave, hyung. You did the right thing.” He murmured with all the love, “We’ll make it work. We’ve gone through so much already. A little more won’t be that difficult. I promise.”

A promise to calm himself down. A promise to lessen the fear. A promise he knew wouldn’t be possible.

“I’m so sorry, Beomgyu. I’m sorry. Hyung’s so sorry.” The older cried out and Beomgyu soothed him, holding him close, shielding him away from the world.

“I’m sorry too, hyung.” Beomgyu whispered back, voice quivering and broken as he let his tears stream down silently.

*

“Are you crazy, hyung?” Taehyun yelled at him, “How can you get married when Beomgyu hyung is hurting? Do you not love him anymore?”

“Taehyun, it’s fine…” Beomgyu told him. 

But the youngest wasn’t having any of it. He was glaring at Soobin, not listening to a thing the others said. Meanwhile, Soobin sat in the corner, head held down like a convict. 

“Beomgyu hyung,look at me,” he turned to the older, “now tell me you’re okay with whatever Soobin hyung is saying.”

“Taehyunie,” Huening kai interrupted thankfully, “let’s sit down and talk.”

“How can I, Hyuka?” the other exclaimed, “Everything’s a mess. How can you guys be so unbothered? Yeonjun hyung?”

“We can’t do anything about it, Taehyun.” Yeonjun provided, sitting on the couch and rubbing his temples.

“But why-”

“Cut it out, Taehyun.” Beomgyu yelled, making everyone turn their heads to him and effectively shutting up the maknae, “you don’t know anything.”

“It’s… you’re hurting, hyung.”

Tears brimming in his eyes, Beomgyu gritted through his teeth, “I choose to be hurt. And I’m the one going to go through everything. I told you I’ll be fine. I have to be fine.” 

Huening Kai walked up to where Beomgyu was standing, and engulfed him in a loose hug while the older man sniffled through his sweater.

“Otherwise, hyung…Soobin hyung will…Only the four of us would be left.” He let out through short hiccups, freezing the other three.

“Beoms, what do you mean?” Yeonjun perked up, “What do you mean we’ll be four only? Soobin, explain it to us.”

“I’m quitting,” Soobin muttered, not meeting any of their gazes, “if I don’t get married. I’m sorry.”

A wounded sob broke the trance of shock in the room. Beomgyu nuzzled further into Kai’s shoulder and sobbed as quietly as possible. Yet, it was so loud. Hitting everyone’s heart in the same intensity of pain.

“You can’t quit.” Taehyun argued, as a matter of fact, “We’re five. We’re always five.”

“Then he’ll have to get married,” Yeonjun added. 

And they went back to silence again. With Kai softly patting Beomgyu’s back and Taehyun sitting down on the couch, head in hands while Yeonjun tapped Soobin’s shoulder in hopes of comforting the leader.

It didn’t seem that bad when they were keeping themselves busy preparing for their album and pretending that the talk about Soobin getting married didn’t happen, nor the possibility of him leaving if he didn’t get married. It was too harsh to say they acted like all was okay, they didn’t. 

There were unaddressed topics hanging in the air and they were desperately trying to avoid it. 

‘ Comeback comes first,’ they told themselves. 

Nonetheless, they knew they’d have to face them headstrong one day. Their comeback had passed and they had received superb feedback. Once the promotion period was over, Soobin was filming for his next drama. While the other members also went back to their individual works.

Then, the news of the marriage was made public, first as a rumour by a news agency and then confirmed by the company. It made headlines everywhere.

Idol and veteran actor Choi Soobin to tie the knot with a gorgeous lawyer. 

There was excitement everywhere and he made a show of being elated as well. Even appeared at a few public events with said gorgeous lawyer for the media. The assemblyman, Mr. Kang looked the happiest. 

However, some fans did congratulate him, and also asked him if he was truly happy. They told him not to tire himself and that they would love him no matter what. He had almost cried on one particular vlive. Just those simple words were so touching to him. And who knew he really needed to hear it.

“Nothing’s going to change, right?” He asked, as he held Beomgyu close on the bed, already in his outfit for the day while Beomgyu was still in his night clothes and messy hair. 

He had to wake up early for the outfit trial and on top of that, his anxiety wasn’t letting him enjoy his morning in peace. Wedding outfit. He was supposed to meet Ms. Kang at a boutique shop they were recommended by their wedding planner. 

But his feet felt heavy at the sight of Beomgyu sitting idly on the bed, a thin blanket wrapped around his body as his eyes followed Soobin everywhere, from the bathroom to their closet when the older flitted around to get ready.

“Nothing will change,” Beomgyu muttered back, acting strong, placing a soft kiss on his lips. 

He always had a small smile playing around on his lips whenever he said things like this to Soobin. But the older saw how the stars in his eyes flicker and prepare to dim with the sadness slowly climbing up to fill them.  

And everytime he looked into them, his heart would threaten to halt its function altogether. Sometimes, the ugly feeling would be too much and he wished it would just do that. If it meant being freed from having to see Beomgyu hurting inside all the while pretending to be happy for him. 

Yet, he couldn’t say anything to comfort him. Rather he was the one seeking from the younger man. Like now.

“You’ll love me still, right?” He sounded like a kid asking for reassurance again and again. But he simply didn’t care anymore.

“Will you not?” The younger questioned with a side tilt of his head, the way it drove Soobin with how round and cute he looked, “Will you ever stop loving me in the future?”

“No”

Beomgyu smiled, “It’s the same for me.” 

One last tight hug and he was out of the door. Heading for a mission he wasn’t so sure of. A mission he had to execute to please everyone except himself. To earn favours from the world so that they do not get kicked out.

He did not know how Beomgyu went back to bed, hugging his pillow and crying himself to sleep. He had no idea that he begged for Soobin to not leave him in his sleep. He never imagined Beomgyu would be taking pills to keep himself together and substitute for his lack of appetite and sleep.

Then came the wedding. 

Soobin rarely came back home that week. He was busy with the wedding photoshoots and family events. 

That would leave him alone to his thoughts. He would sit by the window sill, and wonder about so many things. 

Would it have been different if they were nobodies and not celebrities followed by cameras everywhere? 

Would he be with Soobin now if he weren’t a man?

Would he be spared from the constant stabbing in his chest if he didn’t audition for Big HIt and had continued to study in Daegu? 

Would it have been better if Soobin didn’t love him back and had rejected him, calling him weird when he asked him to kiss him for the first time that night? 

But among all the thoughts, he had never regretted the choice of loving Soobin. He would love him if he weren’t an idol, if they had met on the street, or any other undesirable situation. 

Because he believed he was born to love Soobin. Because the world was not enough to give Soobin the love he deserved and God sent him to do just that. 

At nights, Yeonjun, Taehyun and Kai would alternately visit him in his room in the dorm. He no longer went to Soobin’s apartment, the one they called home. The emptiness was too much for him to take.

It was Kai’s turn tonight. The maknae had crawled into his bed, spooning him and humming a soft song on his lips. Always the baby. He was grateful that they were looking out for him. Kai was warm and he liked warm things.

However, it just wasn’t the same. Kai’s heart did not beat at the same tempo Soobin’s did. His hands were not as large as Soobin, the perfect size to hold Beomgyu’s. And he definitely did not smell like Soobin. 

He could feel his stomach sink to the bottom and scooted closer to Kai in search of some kind of comfort that would be a little similar to Soobin. He was selfish just like that.

“You okay, hyung?” Kai muttered above his head where it was tucked beneath his chin.

The older shook his head, and tried to even his breath out. 

“Kai-ah,” he called out after a beat had passed, making Kai pull away a little to see his face, “what would you do if you were me? What if you were in love with Soobin and he’s marrying someone else?”

Kai seemed to be taken aback by the sudden question but still, he thought for a moment. 

“Let’s see,” The youngest pondered, “I don’t know since I don’t love Soobin hyung the way you do. But I’m sure I would be doing so many worse things.

“You’re doing so well, hyung. You’ve always put us and Soobin hyung before yourself. And you’re so strong for that. You’re the most courageous one out of all of us.” 

Beomgyu was so thankful. 

“Thank you, Kai. Thank you so much.” He muttered, leaning in to cuddle the younger like they were before. 

‘ I’m brave. ’ He repeated in his head, ‘ I have Kai, I have Yeonjun hyung, I have Taehyun. Soobin will come back. I’m brave. I can do this.’

The next day, they’d be at the venue, watching Soobin exchange rings with someone. But it’d be fine. He’d have them. The members who were like family to him now, they’d help him.

They’d helped him so much. If they weren’t with him, he would not have made it past the waiting photoshoot. 

Soobin looked ethereal in his black suit, the tie hanging so perfectly across his front dipping into where his blazers close with a single button. It was the most appropriate size for him, like it was tailor made. 

His shoes were shiny and his pants were neatly pressed. As for his hair, the lesser part was slicked back with gel while the other side was made to fall loosely on his face. Everyone was talking about how handsome the groom looked. 

But the bride was no less. She was utterly elegant in her simple yet pricey-looking wedding dress. The wavy hair perfectly framing her hair, she was the best compliment for Soobin. She was beautiful. 

They made quite the pair. No wonder the media loved them.

Yeonjun slipped his hand into his as the four of them stood together in a single line. Soobin hadn’t noticed them yet. They were dressed in pastel suits to match the theme of the wedding. They, by no doubt, looked stunning as well, but Soobin really was the star of the day. It was his main character moment. 

The constant shutter sound from the cameras taking pictures of Soobin and his bride, with their respective family members taking turns accompanied the loud thumping in his chest as if it didn’t want his heart to be lonely. 

He let out a shaky exhale and grabbed onto Yeonjun’s hand tightly, not a single bit apologetic that his actions might break the older’s bones.

“You didn’t have to come if it’s going to be hard for you. We could always come up with an excuse.” Yeonjun leaned in and whispered in his ears. 

“No,” he sighed, “I can’t miss my best friend's wedding. That’d be like feeding the reporters to come up with random guesses.”

“Beomgyu…” The older voice laced with pity. 

“I’m okay, hyung.” 

He was not okay. He was trying so hard not to break down then and there. His eyes watered and he had to avoid blinking to hold them in. There was a smile on his lips, nonetheless. A proud and happy smile in other’s eyes. 

Yet, it was torture to him. Smiling as he watched the man he loved sitting on the decorated couch, a woman’s arm linked to his, surrounded by people who wished them well, posing for the camera, for the pictures that’d likely get hung in the newlyweds home.

“Okay, a picture with the best men?” One of the photographers announced, gesturing towards them.

That’s when Soobin looked in their direction for the first time. His eyes fell on Beomgyu, not moving on from him. He appeared to be relieved and scared at the same time. Just how the younger imagined him to be. Typical Soobin.

The bride smiled at them as they walked up to them. They each offered Soobin a congratulatory hug and Beomgyu instantly regretted coming. 

Missing Soobin’s touch when he wasn’t with him was one thing. But it was excruciatingly painful not being able to engulf the older in the way he liked when he was so close to him. Still, he had to smile when it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“You look great, hyung.” He tried to let it out in the most casual tone he could muster at the moment just as their shoulders touched but he sounded devastated.

“I’m sorry Beomie.” It was barely a whisper, but Beomgyu heard it. 

Soobin was broken inside. He could sense it. His voice said it all. But what could he do? He had to fucking smile like he didn’t want to cry, and hope Soobin knew it was fine and that he didn’t have to be sorry by just looking into his eyes when he gazed into said eyes.

He was holding his breath when the pictures were taken. The couple at the centre, them on the sides. Taehyun squeezed his arm to console him and politely dismissed the cameras when they took longer than necessary to capture the idol group assembled together. 

The bride soon got ushered out of the room to prepare for the entrance in the wedding hall and so were the families. When the photographers left and everyone headed for the door, Soobin brushed his hand against his hand as he followed his wedding organiser, stopping in his tracks for a second.

He got the message. 

“I’m okay.” He gave him a smile and hoped the older would buy it.

Taehyun and Yeonjun followed him as they stepped out. Kai patted his back before heading out as well. He knew what their eyes were saying.

‘ Come out when you’re ready. ’

He finally closed his eyes and it stung so bad. He gulped down his emotions and silently gave himself a mental talk to get out there, under the eyes of hundreds again. 

Taking deep breaths like Soobin always told him to when he was nervous, he let the tears fall and wiped them away as carefully as he could with just a finger. Messing up his makeup that made him a little human and not a dead corpse from the sleepless nights without Soobin wasn’t really a good choice.

When he turned around, deeming it safe to present himself in the wedding hall as the groom’s ‘best friend’, another fake smile he had put on his face with practised ease, he came face to face with Soobin’s mom.

Before he could even greet her, she took his hands and apologised as she caressed them. Her skin was getting wrinkly but her touch was still soft as ever. Just like her son.

“I’m so sorry, Beomgyu. I’m sorry.” 

Beomgyu could see his own reflection in her glossy eyes and the sincerity that lay beneath them. And he realised how much he hated hearing the word ‘sorry’. It made him feel like he was wronged.

He had heard it from Soobin a while ago, and now from his mom. Was there really something to apologise for? He never thought there was. He wasn’t mad either. In fact, he supported this decision. He had even encouraged him.

“Mother,” he comforted the woman, “why are you saying that? Your son is getting married today. You should be the happiest out of everyone here. You’re here all dressed up and pretty and you’re crying? Soobin hyung will kill me if he finds out I made you cry.”

He grinned for her, the widest that evening, as long as it helped the both of them. To console Soobin’s mom and to delude himself into thinking that he really was happy enough to grin. The woman sniffled, bringing her handkerchief to dab at her eyes.

“Beomgyu-ah,” she beckoned, “you’re like my son too. You know that, right?“It hurts me equally to see you struggling just as much as seeing Soobin.”

“Who said I’m struggling? Soobin hyung?” Beomgyu hugged her and joked to make it less saddening, “I have you all to take care of me. I won’t even have to struggle, Mother.”

There were a few gentle pats on his back before the woman muttered her answer, “I hope so. I want to see you always happy, the bright and cheery self.”

It was a conversation of wet voices, riddled emotions, playing a dangerous game of pretence. And both of them knew it very well. But knowing that, at least, someone was sharing your pain, and ready to be with you while you were in the dark was already a thousand times comforting.

By the time he entered the wedding hall, everyone had taken their respective positions. The four of them had the privilege of standing near the aisle, getting a VIP seat of Soobin getting married. Great.

The youngest two had always joked that they would sing when one of them got married. But they were standing there, no trace of gladness on their faces, only smiling for the camera. They were hurt too. 

Except their hurt didn’t come with a bonus pain in the heart, squeezing the hell out of it. Beomgyu’s suffering was a third degree one, the kind that made him believe that he’d pass out anytime soon, the kind that felt like a fever dream, the kind that held him holding his breath desperately wishing that it was all just a bad dream and he would wake up in their bed, Soobin by his side.

However, the soft instrumental and the silver lights said otherwise. He wasn’t in his bed no matter how many times he had closed and opened his eyes and Soobin wasn’t with him.

He was there. On the grand pedestal with the wedding conductor, waiting for the beautiful woman entering the hall with a pretty bunch of flowers to say his wedding vows, promise her to stick by her side in health and sickness.

Soobin didn’t love her. He was the one Soobin loved. He knew. 

But it still hurt to see Soobin reaching out his hand to take hers, helping her climb the stairs to where the conductor stood with a contented smile. He could feel his breaths getting ragged again and his vision blurring. He prayed that no one noticed his body trembling or the way he bit his lips to not let a sound out. He couldn’t afford ruining everything at the last minute.

Just a little while and it’d be over soon.

‘It’s another one of his dramas.’  

He told himself again and again. It wasn’t that hard to watch Soobin being with other people now. He had learnt how to handle without seething or needing to hurl himself out the window with every new movie or drama Soobin took up. All should be fine as long as he imagined this same situation as one of the many.

It worked for a while. He didn’t even realise they had exchanged rings while being occupied with his inner predicament. But then everything crumbled when he heard the bride begin her vows.

Full of hope and excitement. Looking forward to a new chapter of her life where she would receive love, support and care and do the same for her husband. 

“Beoms, you’re crying.” Yeonjun nudged his side, concern written all over him. 

He shouldn’t be. How could he?  But his cheeks felt wet when he brought his fingers to them. He indeed was crying. Without any sign of stopping. 

One by one, they transcended steadily, past his cheeks, falling down in healthy drops from his chin. But God blessed him by not making him forget to smile. 

He was smiling. And crying. 

When they kissed, he clapped the loudest, body working on autopilot. He didn’t care that he was sobbing audibly now. It didn’t matter anymore. He’d die if he didn’t let some of these impending feelings out. As long as he was smiling, it should be okay.

He left just as they were allowed, when the newly wedded couple turned around to face the crowd, taking the chance when everyone’s attention was on them. He had to. He briefly heard Yeonjun calling and sending someone he believed was Taehyun after him.

There was no way he would let Soobin see him crying. The older would blame himself for it. He didn’t want that. He was supposed to be able to reel in his emotions, strong, selfless. Not become a cry baby. Soobin shouldn’t ever see him like this.

Once he got inside the car, he crouched in the small space before his seat and cried his heart out, muffling the sounds with his hands as best as he could. 

The driver appeared surprised but did the kind action of leaving him alone in the car. And soon after, Taehyun opened the door and stepped in. 

“Hyung!”

He looked horrified. Quickly hauling the older onto the seat, he immediately embraced him. 

“It hurts,” Beomgyu gasped, his cries hindering his speech, clinging tight onto the younger, “Taehyunnie, it hurts.”

Taehyun didn’t know what to say. Everything sounded wrong to say at the moment. But seeing Beomgyu bawling into his shirt, his brain told him to do something, anything. In the end, he ended up running his hand up and down the older’s back, hoping to God that it’d help in some way.

He loved both Soobin and Beomgyu. And it destroyed him to see both of them like this. 

*

“Where’s Beomgyu?” 

It was the first thing Soobin asked when he managed to break free from the onslaught of people congratulating him. There were fewer people at the reception and it would have been easy to find the one who had been in his mind all day long. Yet, he was nowhere to be seen.

“Soobin.” Yeonjun exclaimed tiredly and shook his head sideways, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

‘Enough.’ 

He heard even if the older did not say. What had he done? Was this all a part of love? Or only a part of his love? 

He couldn’t help but think he had caused Beomgyu more sadness than joy in the years they were together. And he knew he was going to continue causing the same for a long, long time. How much more of a bad lover could he be?

“I’m sorry.”

That’s all he had to offer. To his teammates. To Beomgyu. To himself. 

“Don’t be,” Kai thankfully supplied, reducing a little bit of his guilt, “We understand you, hyung.”

Just then, Taehyun walked in. He had changed out from his suit and his hair was no longer styled. He knew he returned for the sake of formality and not because he wanted to. And for the sake of the reporters who would patch up anything to publish. Beomgyu was already gone, they couldn’t sacrifice another one.

“I left him at your apartment. He said he wanted to be there.” He told Soobin even before the leader could ask. Always the sharp kid he was.

His apartment. He wouldn’t go back there today. Or anytime soon. 

He’d be in some unfamiliar house, a house where Beomgyu wouldn’t be. Where he wouldn’t get his kisses, or hear his favourite giggles or random insults thrown at him. And Beomgyu would be alone.

When he dialled Beomgyu’s number, it was late at night and the moon was already high up in the sky. He was on the balcony of their new house, outside in the cool night air. 

Ms. Kang had gone to bed. It was super awkward and they barely spoke a word to each other. If he were being honest, Soobin kind of preferred the awkwardness. Call him coldhearted but he had no plans of starting any interaction between them.

He waited, heart heavy, focusing on the ring in the call. Half of him hoped that Beomgyu would not pick up. He didn’t trust himself to be okay when he heard Beomgyu’s voice properly in days. 

Earlier at the wedding place, he had looked so tired and strained. The makeup could only hide so little. The happy smile he put on was not like the ones he had when he was with him. Beomgyu had always been happy to see him. But today, he looked like he despised the sight of him.

“Hyung?”

He picked up. And his voice was hoarse. Soobin wondered how much he had cried to sound like this. He could imagine vividly. The younger’s eyes must have been swollen and his hair must have been everywhere. Everything he hated seeing on Beomgyu. All because of him.

“Have you eaten?” 

The same old routine when they called each other. 

“I have.” 

A lie.

Beomgyu couldn’t lie. He was really bad at it. He might be able to fool other people but not Soobin. Just a word from him and Soobin would know everything about him. 

On other days, Soobin would make a great deal out of Beomgyu skipping his meals. But today, he didn’t have the guts to. He felt like he was in no position to do so when he was the reason why all of this happened in the first place. Although he was worried.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t,” Beomgyu cut him off, “Please don’t say you’re sorry.”

“Beomgyu…”

Then they met a deafening silence, something they never encountered when they were together, whether it be in person or on the phone. Usually, they would be chattering the other’s ear off. Not breathe into the phone in silence. If they focussed more, they could hear their hearts racing together, still in sync.

A sharp gasp broke into the line and the next thing he knew, Beomgyu was sobbing terribly. Panic settled into the older and he couldn’t even do anything. He had to be there with Beomgyu if he wanted to comfort him. They were streets away from each other, and he wouldn’t be met with the younger’s soft skin if he reached out his hands. 

“It’s…it’s so lonely,” Beomgyu cried, breaths broken and exhausted, “I don’t like this. I hate not seeing you here.”

“Beomgyu,” Soobin tried. He was one word away from joining the younger in spilling his heart out. He could already feel the liquid trailing down his face. 

“Please come back, hyung. It’s so cold. And empty. It scares me. It doesn’t feel like our home anymore. I want to be near you. Come back to me please. I miss you…”

He sounded so heartbroken, every word tugging at Soobin’s sanity. The younger was still crying on the other end of the line and it chipped his heart off bit by bit. His voice almost gave up from crying so much, but Soobin knew he’d still cry if he went mute. He had hurt him so much.

The grip on his cellphone tightened and suddenly, a new wave of anger hit him. What was wrong with him? Why was he being such an asshole? Why was he making Beomgyu cry in the first place? 

Beomgyu needed him. And why was he not there with him yet?

He slid the glass door, and hurriedly trudged into the living room and grabbed his car keys from where it was lying around on top of the cabinet. He didn’t care that he was already in his sweatsuit. He had to be there with Beomgyu and cuddle him to sleep.

‘I’ll be there in five, Beomgyu-ah,’ He should be saying that. And he was just about to say it.

But when the door to the bedroom opened and out walked a woman staring at him with the biggest confusion on her face seeing the keys in his hand, he was glued to his spot in the living room. 

Right. He was married. That’s the whole reason why Beomgyu was crying.

His feet felt heavy as a bag of stones, and unknowingly, as if a reflex on being caught, he engulfed the keys inside his palm and slowly lowered them into his pants pocket. He shouldn’t care but it was what it was.

She spared him one last glance and turned on her heels to get back to their bedroom, taking with her all of Soobin’s confidence. Everything was a blur and he felt like he was inside a huge bubble, his soul floating outside his body.

“I’m sorry, Beomgyu.” He muttered into the phone which had been stuck to his ear the entire time and listened to the cry and sobs that intensified. 

If Ms. Kang took away his confidence, Beomgyu’s broken wails destroyed every purpose of Soobin’s life. 

And he couldn’t do anything about it.

*

Idol-star Choi Soobin married yesterday; Best friend slash Best man, Choi Beomgyu cried rivers of joy.

That was the title of every news outlet, online posts and articles the next morning. He knew it was coming. If there were people who didn’t know yet, they would have known by then.

Beomgyu’s head was pounding so bad and he felt hungover which would have been completely normal if he had been drunk. He managed to drag himself out of bed, out of Soobin’s bed, and sat on the floor, going through all the calls and messages he had missed yesterday.

His mom had called multiple times, and so did Yeonjun. Taehyun and Kai also left him messages. The managers were no better. 

Among the flood of missed calls and messages, there was one that stood out in his eyes. And also the only one he checked out of the many. 

Beomgyu-ah, please know that I still love you.

All the emotions he pushed away came rushing back to him. He threw the phone on the bed in an attempt to get away from them. He had cried yesterday and there was no point in continuing it today again. He wanted to make it a one-time thing. For his sake, and for Soobin as well.

How would the older feel if he cried everyday, every time they met just because he got married, that too, on his encouragement? He wasn’t that heartless to make Soobin feel miserable all the time.

In the bathroom, he gave himself a little pep talk, just like he did on the night Soobin told him about the marriage. He had been doing that a lot more recently. 

He looked like a zombie in the mirror. Dark bags hanging under his eyes which were swollen so much, chapped lips and colour-drained cheeks. He could straight up play the role of a corpse in a disaster movie without any special make up on. 

When he pulled himself to his studio at the company, the others gave him worried looks. But they didn't dare approach him and provided the space he so gravely needed. He couldn’t be more grateful for them.

Having nothing else to do, he went through all the demos and pieces he had worked on, giving them a listen one by one. And none of them satisfied him today. He didn’t even listen to them till the end. 

If he let his emotions get the better of him, he would have erased all of them. Thankfully, the rational musician inside of him held him back, telling him he would regret later on.

It was when a certain song played on that he finally calmed his raging nerves down, and put out the feeling of incompetence burning within him. A song he had worked on for so long, but never made it to completion. 

He had made Soobin sing the demo to the lyrics they wrote together. He thought Soobin’s voice suited the melody the most at that time. It still suited it. 

But today, the lyrics didn’t sit right with him. Every single syllable felt out of place, forced into the tune and unblended. In the past, he remembered thinking it was the best and he just needed to run things over to show it to the world. 

But it had been five years and it was still sitting in the drafts of their computer. Just like their love that stayed hidden in the dark.

He promised not to cry but could you blame him when Soobin's voice was blaring through the speakers in high definition, singing of their love, their happy times, the love they thought would get them through everything with a vision of a happy future featuring the both of them?

However, his face remained blank and expressionless as he let the tears flow down. He was completely drained by now. There was no one to blame other than himself and he had let everything they had dreamt of wash away like the sand in the shore.

He asked for it. He shouldn’t complain, because that’s what kids do. And he’s not a kid. He’s an adult now. A responsible adult who shouldn’t regret his decision. Needless to say he was starting to do so. 

He played the song on loop, wishing it would drive away the ugly feeling, once again filling him with hopes of seeing Soobin and him under the sun and at the end of a rainbow. There’s always a reason why it’s called a wish.

He didn’t see Soobin for the next week. Most of his days, he remained cooped up in his studio and the older was busy with newly weds duties. From what he heard, they were entertaining various kinds of guests, attending parties every night to boost up their publicity.

He hated to admit it, but the leader’s marriage did wonders to their group’s popularity too. The 20s were their highest fans age demographic but recently, there had been a certain rise in older people. Also, their old songs were rising back to the charts again. 

Of course, everyone would be checking out the group the assemblyman’s son-in-law was in. 

Soobin’s dramas went to a whole nother level of fame as well. Old, young, and kids, everyone knew him. He even earned a new nickname.

‘Nation’s First Love.’

How ironic. 

He was Beomgyu’s first love too.

To make matters worse, the agency had informed them they would have one last comeback with a repackage album in a couple months and focus on individual projects. They really had no excuse to see each other.

The first time he saw Soobin after the wedding was ten days later when the older appeared at the doorstep of his apartment, all covered up in a mask and cap. Like he was not supposed to be there, forbidden to be there with the person he loved.

If Beomgyu felt a little hurt at that, he hid it away under a soft smile, welcoming him. Wasn’t that what he was good at? Hiding?

“It’s been a while, hyung.” 

Soobin didn’t answer, he let himself through the door, shimmied his shoes away and wrapped himself on Beomgyu. They had to step a few steps back due to the impact, but nonetheless regained balance in the middle of the living room of Beomgyu’s apartment.

“I missed you, Gyu. Gosh, I missed you so much,” Soobin chanted, burying his head in the crook of his neck. 

He missed him too. He missed this warmth. He missed this voice. He missed being with him every second of the day too.

But he didn’t say it. He wouldn’t be able to hold himself together, and that was the last thing he wanted Soobin to see, wasn’t it?

He resorted to hugging the older back as tightly as possible, hoping everything he wanted to say got relayed through the contact. He inhaled a sharp breath at finally having him in his arms and that was when he realised it.

Soobin smelled different. He didn’t smell of the shower gel they’d been using since trainee days. And the man's cologne that he loved smelling on Soobin, now was mingled with a flowery scent. He didn’t like it. 

Pulling away, he said, “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

The older brushed his bangs away from his face and he didn’t realise he had missed the touch so much. Out of habit, he leaned into the touch and it was enough to make Soobins dimples pop out.

“I am at home.” Soobin stated with that fond look of his that always had Beomgyu weak, “Aren’t you my home?”

Beomgyu punched his arm at the chessy attempt but he couldn’t help feeling a little happy despite knowing he shouldn’t be. He couldn’t help but lower his head a little out of shyness and guilt both.

“I’ll go take a quick shower, and then we can cuddle?” The older tipped his chin up, and pecked his lips before disappearing into his bedroom like it was his own.

The younger no longer visited Soobin’s apartment; their home. Like Soobin said, it didn’t feel home if the older wasn’t there. And it reminded too much of the time they had lounged around there, taking everything for granted. After that, he would miss the older tenfold. 

He didn’t even tell Soobin about it. But somehow, the older had found his way to him. He didn’t know if he should be glad or devastated. He wasn’t necessarily trying to avoid meeting the older but he knew one thing for sure; he was going to go back to square one and miss him all over again when he left.

Yet, he was willing to go through all of it if it meant he got to snuggle up to Soobin, or rest his head on his chest and play with the various veins on his hands. He would sacrifice everything to get a piece of this, even his happiness for the next few days.

The bed was finally warm after ten lonely days, and the urge to sleep was visiting him naturally as he listened to the steady beating of the older’s heart for once and not because of the pills he kept hidden in his drawers. 

The unfamiliar smell was gone, replaced by the one Beomgyu loved, their shower gel. Safe to say, he smelt like him now. And it calmed his heart down remarkably. 

Playing with Soobin’s fingers was Beomgyu’s past-time favourite. He just loved the feeling that it was the older that he got to be like this with. Soobin, too, never pushed him away, he let him do whatever with his hand. It was an unspoken understanding between the two of them. It made them feel safe.

As he moved from the back of his palm to the fingers, he was met with a cold sensation on his fingertips. And Soobin retracted his hand as if Beomgyu’s touch was fire when the younger looked down to check it.

He did catch a glimpse of it. The silver band he saw slipped on Soobin’s slender fingers a week ago. He felt bad that the older had the need to hide it from him. Like he was scared of being accused of cheating.

“Hyung,” Beomgyu took the hand he dipped under the covers and brought it back to light, “you don’t have to be like this. I don’t mind.”

Lies. He did mind. So much to the point that it physically pained him. But he couldn’t say so. 

Meanwhile, the older looked convicted. He was glowering in self-loathe all these time for being such a terrible lover to Beomgyu. Although the younger had never said so. 

He knew it. He saw it in the way the shimmer in Beomgyu’s eyes flickered when they landed on the ring that was sitting on his finger just for show. The smile he adorned never reached his eyes, it was only the curve of the lips. Nothing like ‘okay Beomgyu.’

And Beomgyu also knew Soobin had known it. He also knew that Soobin wasn’t saying anything about it because he knew that he was trying so hard to be strong. Like how he handled every aspect of his life, the younger was being hard headed and stubborn for this one as well. Vulnerability was something he never wanted to show. Especially in a time like this.

The night grew older and they fell asleep with their hands intertwined, Beomgyu’s own warming up the band which always felt so cold on Soobin’s finger. They didn’t tell each other that it was the most sleep they had had in weeks in fear of  worrying the other. Because all they had been doing was neglecting their own needs to be concerned about the other.

*

The preparations for their next album weren't that heavy. They had to add a couple new songs and that was it. No choreography or anything. Rather, the members were focusing on their own projects.

Taehyun was preparing for a mixtape and so was Yeonjun. He didn’t know about Kai, but he was always busy. Maybe he was working on producing too.

As for him, he got an offer from a drama writer for an ost. He was supposed to meet the director and the writer at a restaurant in the evening. 

That’s where he was at the moment. It was a chill restaurant, perfect for work ambience. Yet the lights and the waiters who were dressed in fancy shirts and pleated pants with perfectly styled hair made them look sophisticated.

When he looked around, he saw many of the customers were dressed classy as well and he looked like an outlaw among them. It was just a dinner over which they would talk about work. Beomgyu didn’t really see the need to dress up. That’s why he was in his old sneakers and worn out t-shirt, a button down over it and simple black pants. 

His hair was back to its natural colour now but he put on a cap just in case although he was pretty sure that no one would recognize him. After all, he wasn’t Yeonjun. It’s the older’s job to stand out wherever he went.

The water in the glass before him had been reduced to a quarter due to his constant sipping in wait for the director and the writer. They could have just met in the company but the duo said they wouldn’t have time to go over there because of their busy schedule and chose this place as it was near to their current filming site.

He was about to ask for another glass of water when he heard two women talking behind him. It wasn’t the voices that captured his attention, but the topic. Or rather, a certain name.

“How is it having Choi Soobin as your husband?” The voice asked, a teasing tone to it.

“Yumi-ah!” The other shushed her, “Be a little quiet, will you?”

“What?!” The Yumi woman scoffed, half-offended, “He’s your husband. Why do you have to be so discreet about it? The whole world knows.”

“But still-”

“Now tell me,” Yumi enthusiastically asked her, “Is he sweet? Is he the same as on camera? What stages have you guys reached?”

The other woman seemed distressed at her question. Beomgyu could hear her sighing every two seconds.

“Come on, Miri-ah,” Yumi groaned, “I’m your best friend. You can’t hide anything from me.”

“He’s busy.” Ms. Kang said after a long pause, “Always.”

“What?” Her friend gawked, “What do you mean ‘busy’? Don’t tell me you guys haven’t even talked properly.”

There was silence as an answer. And that confirmed what the friend was suspecting.

“Wahh!” Yumi exclaimed in disbelief, “Is he an asshole? I know it was an arranged marriage but shouldn’t he at least show some humanity? So, do you guys sleep together?”

Beomgyu held onto his glass tight, waiting for the answer just like the friend. What was he even expecting to hear? He’s no eavesdropper but the vicinity was too small for him to ignore the two women talking.

“No.” Ms. Kang sounded dejected and embarrassed, “He sleeps on the sofa.”

“That asshole!” The friend seethed, and Beomgyu also heard a thud on the table, probably the hitting of a fist.

He wasn’t relieved that Soobin was keeping his distance from his wife, who seemed like a good person. Instead he felt sorry for Ms. Kang. Due to their petty love, they were dragging yet another innocent person into their sufferings. 

And who was supposed to be the villain of the story?

Beomgyu.

Soobin was being called an asshole and why was it? 

Because he didn’t spend much time with his wife and instead slept over at Beomgyu’s, in the same bed and not on the couch, cuddling him and talking him to sleep.

Why did Soobin frequently visit his home to sleep?

Because Beomgyu was there and he loved Beomgyu and he would rather ignore his faultless wife than to see Beomgyu sad.

See how everything pointed to Beomgyu?

Who was he to come in between a couple who got married in front of hundreds of people, whose marriage was announced to the world? 

Yeah, Beomgyu was the villain of the story. 

He was soon diverted away from the Soobin-dissing conversation when the people he were supposed to meet arrived. It was a wonder how he managed to respond to what they were saying when all that occupied his mind was how awful he had been. 

They had asked him to sing a song so sorrowful and heart-wrenching. They also asked if it could be possible that he also produced it since his style of music was fitting to the vibe of the drama. He was provided a glimpse of the storyline and was left with great expectations by the two men.

Nothing had been working out in terms of music for him recently and he had just accepted a new one. His mind was too full of useless things he shouldn't worry about. How was he going to whip up a new song in three months? 

Only if it was the good old days, Soobin would whisk him away from the burdens to a peaceful place and wipe his mind clean. They couldn’t even do that now.

When he got home, he found Soobin leaning back on the wall, one leg bent with his hand on his phone by the door. The hoodie he wore completely covered him, and the glasses and mask made it impossible to know who he was. Beomgyu wondered if any of the people who passed by the hallway recognised him. They might not have.

But Beomgyu would always. No matter how big the crowd was, he could always spot Soobin and it didn’t have nothing to do with the fact that the older was as tall as a pole. He could do so because it was Soobin.

The older’s face lit up when he caught sight of him. Despite the mask that covered half his face, Beomgyu could tell he was smiling. He returned with a weak one of his and punched in the code to his door.

“You changed your code.” Soobin stated, as a matter of fact.

He did. And he didn’t bother telling Soobin. That was why the older was standing there for God knows how long waiting for him. Maybe he had this in mind when he changed it.

“I forgot to tell you.” He simply told him, placing his things on the table in the kitchen, not an ideal place, but still. “Have you eaten? Should I order something for you?”

The older shrugged, “I ate at work. I just came because I wanted to see you.”

“Aren’t you busy?” The shorter gulped and tried his luck.

He dared not look at him in the eye and so busied himself with rummaging through his fridge to do whatever. In the end, he fished out a can of soda and opened it, the sound of fizz filling the silent room.

“I am,” He heard Soobin answer from the living room, “But never for you.”

That was what Beomgyu feared. The sense that he was the bad guy. He should be happy and glad that Soobin loved him, and chose him over his wife. Soobin also met him first, not his wife. They have known each other for years while Soobin knew his wife for a few days only. There should be nothing to feel bad about.

Yet, the good side in him stood against his heart. He was raised to be kind, mindful and considerate. He had always thought he was abiding by his own principle which did not include hurting people. And now, he was being selfish and ready to inflict pain on someone who absolutely had no fault.

He imagined briefly if he were in Ms. Kang shoes. He wouldn’t ever forgive Soobin or him. The young woman had agreed to the marriage hoping it would bring her more happiness. And until now, all she got was disappointment.

They were blaming Soobin, which was pretty understandable. But it wasn’t only him that should be accountable for his actions. Beomgyu had a more major role than Soobin in hurting his new wife. He might not have verbally asked the older to treat her that way, but he was the reason why Soobin acted that way. On top of that, he didn’t want to tell the older to treat her better because he didn’t like the idea of him treating someone else like he treated him.

He was petty and selfish like that.

The ugly gnawing feeling inside of him was going to grow day by day and one day, he’d have to burst in order to let it out. But until that day, he’d like to let all the thoughts that had been bordering him sit for a while so that he could enjoy Soobin’s gentle eyes, that endeared look he had as he walked up to him.

“I got a little something for you.” He said, taking his hands and leading him to the couch.

There was pretty smile on his face, and his eyes were full of love for Beomgyu, and only Beomgyu. And the younger felt a little sadder. He handled him like he was the most fragile flower petal, carefully and diligently.

He knelt in front on him, right before the couch and brought out his closed palm before him. And with a lot of animated sounds and unnecessary drumrolls which nonetheless made Beomgyu chuckle, he opened it.

“Ta daa!” He presented his little something before him, picked it gently and let it fall to its full form.

It was no little something. At least, not to Beomgyu.

“Hyung, what-“

“Choi Beomgyu,” Soobin cut him off, “I really, really want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re someone I see in every future of mine. It’s a bummer that I can’t tell this to the world. But then again, you’re my world. So, I’m telling you. I love you.”

Taking the chain from Soobin’s hand, the younger male gently examined the ring hanging in the middle of it. He could feel the sting climbing up from the back of his eyes, yet he couldn’t stop the happy giggle that left him.

“That one’s mine,” Soobin announced, pointing to the chain in the younger’s hand, “And this one’s yours.”

He unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt and showed him the identical chain with a similar but smaller ring on the column of his neck.

“It makes me feel as if you’re always with me,” Soobin said softly, and continued with immense regret and a crestfallen look, “I’m sorry that we can’t wear them on our fingers. But I want you to know that I’ll always love you. I wish that someday I could also put a ring on your finger, Gyu-ah. It hurts me to see yours empty when mine is occupied.”

Beomgyu shook his head furiously, lips wobbling as he wrung his arms around the older’s neck, his own chain necklace in his hands. He was at the verge of crying.

“You fool.”

Soobin chuckled, “Why is it that whenever I tell you that I love you, you give me back an insult? Where’s my ‘I love you too’?”

“Shut up,” The younger mumbled, pulling away and giving back the chain necklace to Soobin and the latter instantly panicked.

“Put it on for me?”

“Geez,” the older released a breath and relaxed his tense muscles, “I almost thought you were rejecting me.”

Nonetheless, he leaned forward and clasped the hook of the chain. And on his way of retreating back, he brushed his lips on the younger’s cheeks pretending it was unintentional and not just searching for an excuse to kiss him.

“There you go.”

The ring fell right above the middle of his clavicle and a smile broke out on his lips when he looked down. This was Soobin’s ring on his neck, the ring he also wished he could put on Soobin’s finger. But now, he’d have to be content with just having it near him, even if it was on his neck as a necklace and not on his finger.

As he watched Soobin’s fond gaze directed on him, looking at him like he was the moon, he wondered how long he’d be playing this selfish game until it backfired on him.

*

He didn’t have to wait long. It came in the form of one last dinner party at Yeonjun’s, the day after their last comeback, drinking the night away.

And no. It wasn’t a drunk decision. He had thought it over, even talked to all his members except Soobin, to his mom and it greatly helped in easing his nerves a little. They listened to him, heard him out and comforted him. 

Then came the day he practised so much for. 

They didn’t have any major promotions this time. It was just the songs, the melodies that depicted their journey of almost a decade. To them, it was quite meaningful. Their last album before a break. Judging by the reactions, it was the same for their fans as well.

One last time, he let himself enjoy everything. They were on the floor, finishing cans after cans of beer, reminiscing their good times. The pizza boxes were empty and the number of empty containers increased. 

Laying his head on Soobin’s shoulder, he watched the members talk their own shares, a pretty smile on his lips. The older’s hand was in his, intertwined perfectly on his thigh and once again, his eyes landed on the ring. 

Before he could feel sad this time, he felt the warm silver on his neck. 

I have a ring too , he thought to himself.

Huening Kai was talking about that one time when they were still living in that cramped dorm and he accidentally used Taehyun’s yellow toothbrush, washed it and dried it with a hair dryer like nothing happened. 

Taehyun confessed that he accidentally spilled the scent diffuser in their shoe rack on Soobin’s shoes and Yeonjun said he inhaled all the tangerines in their fridge. Times were good and they were still kids at heart.

“Now that I think of it,” Kai wondered aloud, “Soobin hyung was whipped for Beomgyu hyung ever since he arrived at the company. Remember how hyung used to be so shy and introverted and was not good with dealing with people? Yet he actually put an effort in going along with Bomgyu hyung’s loud ass personality?”

“Hey!” Beomgyu knocked his shoulder, yelling, “I’m not that loud.”

“Sure, sure,” the oldest mused, “and they really thought they were discreet when they first realised their feelings. One time, I found them cuddling on the small couch in our third dorm. It was really sickening. I had to cleanse my eyes after that.”

Taehyun snorted, “That’s nothing. I accidentally walked into them making out in the closet room once. I wanted to bury myself.” He shivered in disgust.

“And do you know Beomgyu hyung makes noises that are not so like him when they make out?” Kai snickered along with the other two.

Beomgyu threw an empty can at Kai, the maknae completely dodged it because he was a bad thrower. The tips of ears were burning hot, and his palm was so sweaty that he had to retract his hand from Soobin’s hold. 

“What is this?” He snarled to look intimidating but he ended up looking like a shy puppy, at least to the leader, “A Soobin- Beomgyu dissing session?”

“Hyung, Tyun,” Kai gathered the two’s attention, “let’s diss them more while we’re at it.” 

And the visual centre of the group tried to launch himself onto the youngest and throttle him and Soobin caught him by the waist, perfectly making him sit still beside him with a kiss on his head in front of all of them. Some of them gagged and Taehyun groaned but Soobin had a shining grin.

At least, it worked in soothing Beomgyu’s anger. Or rather, embarrassment.

“But honestly,” Yeonjun munched on a leftover slice of cucumber, “Soobin used to wait for Beomgyu on the couch no matter how late it was. And mind you, our leader-nim hates sleeping on the couch. Since his limbs are long and all.”

He sleeps on the sofa.

Beomgyu briefly remembered what he had heard in the restaurant. He turned to his side, and watched Soobin laughing at what the oldest said like it was some joke. He wondered how much peaceful sleep he got sleeping on the sofa. 

“I don’t like the couch,” Soobin spoke for the first time in a while, “but anything for Beomgyu. I even slept together with him there a couple times. And I didn’t really hate it.”

“Whipped.”

“Whipped (2).”

“Whipped (3).”

“Can you please stop bullying us?” Beomgyu begged sarcastically. 

It was like the members were giving him a chance to rethink everything. But he had made up his mind. He had even told him and they said they would support him. And now, why were they suddenly bringing up things of the past that made him want to bask in moments like that forever, hoping he would get to experience them again?

“But Beomgyu hyung was no better,” Taehyun announced, and Beomgyu rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest, cheeks puffed out in annoyance, “Y’all remember when he cried at the dorm for three hours straight when he heard Soobin hyung was rushed to the Emergency room for a minor injury during his drama shoot?”

“I do, I do,” Huening Kai clapped all the while cackling, “And the injury wasn’t even that serious. Was it a wrist sprain?”

“It was serious!” Beomgyu butted in, “He couldn’t eat on his own for days. I had to feed him everyday.”

“Come on, Beoms. It was his left hand,” Yeonjun smashed his argument unhelpfully, “Just say you wanted to dote on him.”

“I hate you all.” He muttered under his breath.

“Soobin too?” 

“Except Soobin.”

“Whipped.”

“Whipped (2).”

“Whipped (3).”

“Argggghhh!” Beomgyu groaned, hands in his hair, “Soobin hyung, say something. They’re teasing me.”

Soobin only laughed, patting down his messed up hair. This was terrible for what he had planned. He was actually so close to abandoning it. And that couldn’t be good. He had come here with a bitter purpose and he had to fulfil it how fucked up it was.

When all was cleaned up, the cans cleared and the floor wiped with some wet tissues lazily, the maknaes left after giving him meaningful pats on his back. Yeonjun took the opportunity of seeing them out and left the two of them alone in his home.

The leader gave him a judging look, or more so a suspicious one at the sudden actions of the members until Beomgyu sat in front of him.

“You have something to say?”

Beomgyu nodded meekly. He had gone through this actual situation so many times inside his head. The first time he planned about it, he cried a whole night and was sick the next day. But as time went by, he really didn’t care much.

It was like he was completely rendered numb from so many feelings that he had stopped feeling all at once. Now too, as he stared into Soobin’s clear eyes, he expected to get weakened like always, but surprisingly he was firm with himself today.

“Are you happy?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re with me.” Soobin chuckled humorlessly. He could tell he was nervous. They had been attached at the hip for so many years that he could make out what the older was thinking with just a glance.

Placing a hand on his cheek, Beomgyu cradled his face and he immediately leaned into it, bringing his own hand on top of his. The skin felt unbelievably hot, a sign of his circulation rapidly working and the younger felt a dull ache in his heart. 

Was he really going to do this?

“Soobin-ah,” He beckoned, “Choi Soobin, my Soobin hyung, I’m asking about your life? Are you happy with your life now?”

The older took a double take. But his eyes drooped down and he couldn’t look at Beomgyu in the eyes. That was enough of an answer.

“No, right?” He laughed brokenly, “Me neither.”

“I’m sorry.”

“But hyung, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I always will. But I don’t like the way I’m living my life now.” He confessed, and he half-expected Soobin to get angry at him since  it was getting pretty clear where this conversation was going to end up. 

“Whenever I see you, I feel guilty. I feel sorry for Ms. Kang. She doesn’t have a clue and I always feel like apologising to her every time you come to see me, everytime you sleep in my arms, everytime you kiss me. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong, hyung. It’s eating me inside and I feel rotten.”

He took a deep breath and Soobin followed, still not looking at him

“And don’t you feel the same when you see me, hyung? You feel sorry and bad whenever you see me, you hate yourself for leaving me alone, don’t you? You feel like a bad person, right? That’s exactly how I feel when I see Ms. Kang.”

The older squeezed his hand, a silent plea to stop. But was Beomgyu going to have mercy today? He hated to say it but he couldn’t. This time.

“Beomgyu…”

“Let’s stop this, hyung.”

Soobin’s eyes had never darted up so fast. There was fear, confusion and hurt woven together in his expression and Beomgyu’s self-control was hanging by a thread. He wanted to be together with the older more than anything. But it was becoming taxing, even the simple task of living.

“Beomgyu please…”

“We don’t even have a label,” Beomgyu chortled helplessly, “I can’t even say ‘let’s breakup hyung’ or anything. We aren’t boyfriends either. What are we exactly?”

He was beginning to get diverted from his goal and the pit of his stomach churned, like he swallowed a ball of fire. But he had to keep his composure. Otherwise, he would go crumbling down with Soobin.

“Beomgyu, I love you-”

“I know, hyung. I know,” He tried to sound calm, “I love you too. It’s just… I’m tired. And always sad. I feel like I don’t have a purpose in life. Tell me it’s not the same for you too, hyung? Tell me.”

Silence. 

“At least, let's take a break, hm? To get ourselves together. And I won’t mind if you ever have a change of heart. But I do hope you’ll be friendly with her. She seemed like a good person and who knows, you might realise things.”

“I won’t!” Soobin yelled, “I can’t do this, Beomie. I won’t survive. It’s already hard not having to see you everyday, how will I be able to hold out?”

“I will be around. I will always be. As your best friend. You can do it. We can do it.”

He leaned in, almost sitting on the older’s lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. One last time. To savour the feeling.

Noses brushing against each other’s, he whispered, “We are so unlucky hyung. Why can’t our love be a little bit easy? Nothing’s in our favour.”

That was when he noticed the first drop of tear rolling down Soobin’s cheeks. It took all his might to not cry with him then and there. Instead, he opted to close the little gap and pressed his lips soft on Soobin’s. 

Maybe it was because he thought it was the last, he felt a lump climb up to his throat and the mere excuse of a kiss was the most wonderful thing he had experienced. Then, without another word, he brought his legs to stand, gathered himself up, and tried his best not to look at Soobin who was starting to sob helplessly. If he did, there was no guarantee he’d be able to  leave.

At the back of his mind, he kind of knew Soobin wouldn’t stop him since the older obviously was in dire need of this as well.  But it still disappointed him a bit when he didn’t. He had no reason to since that was what he targeted yet, a small voice inside his head screamed at him to turn around and run back to the older. 

He closed the door behind him, and heaved out the sigh he was holding in. He had just done what he thought he wouldn’t ever be able to do. And he couldn’t even be proud of them. The tips of his fingers were blue and trembling and he felt as if he was ten feet underground. The ground was wobbly beneath his feet and his vision was blurring by the second.

He was busy trying to focus his eyes on one specific thing so that he could at least have an idea of still being in sanity when he felt a touch on his shoulder. Yeonjun was there, giving him a small affirming nod and God knows how long he had been there. Then, he inched closer and engulfed Beomgyu in a big, tight hug.

The coiled vines in his stomach slowly unravelled and in just a second, the younger was crying silently into his shirt. His back shook and shivered violently with every sharp inhale he took and the older had to use his muscle strength to keep him in place. 

“Hy…hyung,” he hiccuped in between sobs, “It…it’s all over.”

*

“Wow,” the director exclaims, “this is why people say there is more than what meets the eye.”

It has been forty minutes since they have started filming and Soobin could imagine the moon rising high in the night sky. Usually, some of their staff would leave early for other schedules since they probably don’t need them at the end of the filming. 

But today, everyone is rooted in their places, their apt attention on the two people in the spotlight of the studio. Their mask-covered faces make it hard for Soobin to determine if they are feeling sympathetic for him or if they think that he’s just a pathetic loser who was still hung over on his first love. 

“So, did the relationship between Kang Mi Ri-shi and Choi Soobin-shi get better after that?”

Mi Ri laughs, her shoulder-length hair moving along with the sound. She looks still as young as she did on her wedding day. 

“I can’t say it did, but we were not as bad as before,” she says.

“I’m sure you mustn’t have felt good after you married since it wasn’t what you expected. Or is it not like that?”

She hums for a while and taps her finger on her knee right where her elegant white skirt ended in deep thinking. Then she smiles to herself as if she has just remembered a funny story.

“To be very honest,” she starts, “I never wanted to marry a celebrity. I got into a big fight with my dad when he first brought up the marriage. I wasn’t completely against marriage but it was who I was marrying that mattered to me. Not that Soobin is not a good person, it’s just that I wanted to be with someone who was on the same level as me, someone I could live with in a small house drinking hot chocolate.”

Laughing again, she pushes the front of her hair behind her ear, “My father won in persuading me, he even blackmailed  me  emotionally like all parents do. And I prepared myself to face everything that came with marrying a celebrity. But it was so different. Having your wedding flashed in all platforms of media, news, and papers was overwhelming. I became a celebrity overnight.”

This time, the whole studio laughs along with her. Even Soobin chuckles a bit. He can see how pressured she must have felt back then.

“But I didn’t want to be a celebrity,” she continues, “I was someone who wanted to live my life with intellectuals, hence my profession as a lawyer. I had studied so hard for my exams and as everyone knows, law school isn’t easy. So it was a little sad that I was being known as Choi Soobin’s wife rather than Kang Mi Ri, the lawyer.”

Soobin feels sorry for her. They have been at that point somewhere in their lives, when they were still rookies when everyone knew them as the younger brothers of their successful senior group, when he first started as an actor for the famous actors he acted with. He knows that feeling well. 

“And on top of that, this guy beside me was being such an emo human.” She says, pointing a finger towards Soobin and the studio erupts into laughter again. She’s just so good at this.

“Soobin-shi, are you angry at anyone? That you couldn’t be together with your first love?”

This question is something Soobin has asked himself again and again over the years. And the answer has never remained constant in the early periods. But now, he has a definite one he could say confidently.

“No.” He smiles, but it comes off as a defeated scoff, “I was, at first. But not anymore.”

“Why?”

“At first, I was angry at my father for not understanding me. But after I gave it some thought, it was I who didn’t understand him. I called myself a coward so many times in the past. I didn’t go after Beomgyu that night in Yeonjun hyung’s apartment, I didn’t beg him not to go. And I was angry at myself for that as well.”

He chuckles, “But I wouldn’t change a thing if I were given a chance to go back in time. Even if I hated being away from Beomgyu, he needed it. He’s the type of person who dwells on one particular problem at a time. So, I knew how hard it was for him balancing everything. This is the thing about love. You put them first before yourself.”

“Did you guys meet afterwards? You and Beomgyu-shi.”

“We did. We had the same friend circle and we worked together. It was impossible not to. But it was awkward. He didn’t really come near me and I didn’t either. Later on, it became rare to see him. He changed apartments and I couldn’t even visit him. And then we became busy with our own work.”

The director nods in acknowledgement, “Next question. Mi Ri-shi, how did you find out about all this? Did you have no idea until Soobin-shi told you?”

“Actually,” she tilted her head a bit upwards, “I kind of suspected it before he told me. There was this one night when Soobin came home drunk. It was my first time seeing him so drunk but also a first time for something else. He smiled. Yeah, it was the first time he smiled in our house. And the funny thing is, he was smiling because of Beomgyu-shi. He was drunk-talking to the vase in the living room and calling it Beomgyu.”

The idol-actor ducks his head away in embarrassment when everyone including the director breaks out laughing. They’re laughing a lot today, aren’t they?

“Don’t get me wrong,” he tries to explain, “I don’t usually drink. That day was particularly hard for me.”

“Oh I remember,” the lady speaks, “I kind of, again, can predict what happened that day. The next morning, the news was everywhere.”

Actor Choi Soobin couldn’t stop crying after filming an emotional scene for his upcoming drama.

She mimics in the way the news anchors do. 

“Everyone thought it was because he was too immersed in his acting. But I knew something they didn’t when the drama aired.” She smiles, but a rather sad one, “the background OST that was playing in that particular scene, Beomgyu-shi sang it.”

“Right,” Soobin grimaces as he recalls that day, “it was our song. The song Beomgyu I and worked on years, years back. Except he changed all the lyrics. Into sad ones. And it really hit me.”

The director looks surprised and so does everyone, “Wait, are we talking about Choi Beomgyu’s OST that stayed on charts for so long and became so popular in karaokes? Was that the song you wrote together?”

The actor only nods, “But not anymore. He erased all the lyrics I wrote. It’s his song only now. I don’t have a share in it.”

“This is amazing,” He awes, “No wonder the song carried so much emotion.”

Yeah. No wonder.

They take a much needed little break to touch up their makeups and all to get ready for the last section of the show. The conclusion. The whole point of the show. 

“The story is now out to the world. Anything you want to add to it? The motive of today’s show? Please be free and let the viewers know about it too.”

Soobin smiles nervously but the woman beside him gives him an encouraging nod. One last glance around the studio and he finally looks directly into the camera.

“I’d like to take this time to thank Kang Mi Ri-shi, whom I have bonded with as a precious friend over our rebels against our fathers. She supported me in various ways I couldn’t ever repay her. I wouldn’t be here, spilling all my deepest secrets if it wasn’t for her.”

Mi Ri has a proud look on her face as Soobin said that. She looks pleased to the core of her heart as if she has prepared Soobin for this one moment.

The said man continued, “And my fans. You’ve been with me at my highest and lowest. I’d forever be grateful to you. Thank you for sticking around with me and accepting me for who I am. There were many times I have let you down and I hope you forgive me even if it’s a little. But sadly, I have to disappoint you guys once more.”

The studio falls silent, the people widening their eyes, and chewing on their lips guessing what they could be hearing next. The only ones who didn’t look tense were Mi Ri and Soobin’s managers. 

As for Soobin, this is going to be the biggest decision he has made on his own in so long. Of course, he’s nervous. But he is so ready to risk everything.

“I am stepping down from my acting career,” he smiles tightlipped, “Thank you for loving actor Soobin. It has been a great honour.”

He stands up and does a full 90 degree bow towards the camera for a full three minutes waiting for the sudden bomb he dropped to sink into the people present there. When he looks up, there are several gaping faces directed at him.

His stylists are stifling their mouths with their own hands, while the makeup team drops the tools that are in their hands for quick fixing and the camera man right before him lifts his head from the camera lens and looks at him as if asking if he was serious. He can hear Mi Ri giggling beside him. 

“Th…that’s umm that’s,” the director buffers, scratching his neck and his eyes darting to the writer by his side, “th..that’s big. Like big big . Are you sure you don’t want to think this over, Soobin-shi?”

It is a chance. A chance to save his image and career. But Soobin has other plans.

“I have thought about it numerous times, Director-nim. I won’t be changing this decision.” He stays firm. 

The director is taken aback but still knows not to push further, “Well… what could we do if you’ve made up your mind. But may we know the reason behind it? I doubt it’s anything small.”

“It isn’t,” he sighs, “all my life, I have followed the path other people have set for me. From my life as an idol to following my father’s orders for a marriage. I have always been taken care of by the staff in the company, fed by them, driven around by them. I’m thankful to them for that, but I realised I’ve been missing out on a lot of things. I’ve been so used to being cared for that I feel like I have forgotten how to care for others.

“And I’m sorry that I am leaving like this. I enjoyed serving the world with my acting. But I wish to go back to my roots now. With the people who share the same fate as me, who were there with me as I grew up.”

The camera light flickers and it is dead silent. He swears he can hear the sound of his gulping as well as the sweat rolling down his forehead. Mi Ri from the side mouths a silent ‘go on’ adding more courage than she already has.

“Although I could have made this decision back then when I didn’t lose the first love I ever had in my life, I feel that it had to happen for me to come to terms with a lot of things. I was scared of losing him at that time too, but I never knew until I tried. The real thing was scary. I understood what it was like to lose my everything. I was a coward back then, I still am now. But I have experienced worse things like not having anyone to share your heart with, missing him every  second of the day for years. I’m still scared but I think I can face almost everything now. It won’t be a pleasant ride, but I’m ready to embrace it.

“As my dad said when we announced our divorce to him, it was better to be happy for a small, tiny reason than to be sad for many. My apologies to Mr. Kang too. His daughter is a wonderful person but she deserves someone better.”

For the second time, he gazes into the camera. But this time, with a soft, sad yet hopeful glint in his eyes. 

“And Choi Beomgyu.” He calls out, the name so familiar and perfect on his tongue.

“I don’t think I can ever unlove you. Till my last moment, my last breath. You’ve taken my heart along with you when you left and I want you to share it with me. Because living without a heart is not that nice. I still live in our home, yeah, same old apartment. I hope you can return at least a piece of my heart when this episode airs. I love you. I promise I’ll fight for us for real this time.”

*

Stupid. So stupid.

Choi Soobin is stupid. 

He freezes in his spot on the couch, a packet of gummies on his lap as the ending credits of the show rolled on the TV. 

Yes. Choi Beomgyu is more stupid because he watches every content, every drama, every movie that has Soobin in it. He might not be there by his side anymore, but he has always continued to support him from afar. Secretly wishing goodluck in the comfort of his home, crying together with him when the older won the Best Actor awards.

He is crying today as well. But it is different from the ones he cried back then. 

The gummies don't taste as sweet and the majority of his taste buds were dominated by his salty tears. He didn’t even care that he was wailing throughout the one hour show, right from the beginning. 

And he is really angry and sad and broken now. Soobin’s retelling of their story is like watching the memories inside his head play in films, taking him a ride through their memory lane. 

It pains him to see the way Soobin smiled fondly while narrating the times they were happy in love and the furrow in his brows when he narrated the times when they were still in love yet so sad. He wishes he was there to kiss away the crease in his forehead.

But, when did Soobin get so shameless to even profess his love on national TV? The Soobin he knows would rather die than do that. He guesses Soobin really does love him.

‘Of course, he loves you,’ he scolds himself internally, sniffing back his tears, ‘ you love him too.’

This has to be the most he has cried while watching something on TV and it isn’t even a movie. The scrunched up and used tissues scattered around on the couch and the floor are solid proofs.

Momentarily, he gets distracted and cries a bit more reminiscing about the good old times. But soon, he returns to the present. Where was he before?

Right. Thinking about stupidity.

He jumps off the couch, grabs the hoodie from the arm rest, and dashes for the door. The TV is still playing a long-run family drama. Beomgyu’s mom would kill him for wasting electricity but now, he has things to do. Or lessons to teach.

Even after years, his muscles remember the way home. Their home. He leaves more than necessary to the cab driver who drives him to the intersection. And takes the stairs when he reaches the complex. It’s just two flights of stairs and he is there before he knows it.

Nothing has changed. It’s the same old security keypad and the same old doorbell button. He still remembers the passcode they used but he thinks it’d be too humiliating if Soobin has changed it and it starts beeping loudly indicating an attempt of outlaw entry. So, he opts for the doorbell.

He knows he’s being a menace but he pushes it repeatedly in just a minute, another sound echoing before one could even complete. When the door opens with one last mechanical beep, he doesn’t even wait and forces himself in and immediately kicks the person opening the door right in the shin.

“Ow, ow, ow!” 

That’s the voice. He missed it so much. 

He’s holding back his sobs as he stands there with his own hands rolled into fists watching Soobin crouch on the floor, hands flying to where he was kicked. His hair is still wet and there is a towel on his neck. Freshly showered and he receives a power kick as a gift.

“What’s that for?” Soobin shrieks, glaring up at him. 

This might not have been the reunion the older had in mind when he sputtered all those in the show. He kind of expected a slow, heartfelt and open reconciliation. Not an attack in his own house.

Beomgyu barges forward and Soobin flees out of instinct, a leg limping, right to the living room and then to the kitchen.

“Beoms, Beomie, wait,” he warns, “Beomie bear, calm down. Let’s talk nicely.”

He’s still running seeking refuge across the furniture, the kitchen top, Beomgyu on the other side. It’s like playing catch me if you can. 

Except your opponent has swollen, red eyes, big fat tears hanging onto his dear eyelashes, the tip of his nose red like Rudolph’s, and undoubtedly really handsome despite the punch he’s constantly aiming at him.

Soobin’s about to run to the bedroom when the younger flops down on the hallway from the living room, immediately burying his face in his hands. And then, he’s crying loudly.

“Beomie?” Soobin approaches cautiously, unsure of what to make out, one minute the younger looked like he was about to commit murder than the next he’s bawling his eyes out.

“Hey, what happened?” He tries, sitting down before him and prying his hands away. 

His wrists are still the perfect fit in his hold and it sends a fiery tingle throughout the veins in his body. The tiny Soobin voices inside his head are screaming in joy of finally getting the touch he starved so much. 

“How can you be so stupid!” Beomgyu yells at him, pushing him away and it shatters him a bit. 

“Beom-”

“Where is your passion, Choi Soobin? Have you forgotten the extent I went to just to make you not give up on acting? How could you do it so easily? You made my efforts go to waste.” He accused the older, sending death stares at him.

But Soobin finds it somewhat funny. He knows Beomgyu. He knows the meaning behind the words he spat out. And it’s far from what Beomgyu’s trying to make it mean.

Rather, he finds the younger adorable. As gross as it sounds, there is snot running down his nose amidst his tear stricken face and Beomgyu has been sniffling them back like a toddler would. But he knows better than to laugh at him right in the face if he doesn’t want the younger male to sulk for days.

Instead, he does what he knows works best. He pulls him into a hug, gently caressing the back of his head, and lets him cry through.

“My passion hasn’t died, Beomgyu-ah.” He whispers in his ear, “It’s still burning bright. But my love for you has always been greater. I was too afraid to wholeheartedly show this to the world. But the time I spent apart from you taught me so many things. And now I wouldn’t trade our love for anything.”

Validation.

That was what Beomgyu was looking for when he slashed out earlier at him. To be sure that he is still wanted. To be assured of his worth with Soobin’s love. To be able to enjoy Soobin’s warmth without having to feel guilty.

“I hate you.” The younger mumbles.

“Is that an answer to my confession on national TV?”

He receives a weak hit on his chest as the answer to his latest question and Soobin couldn’t help but chuckle softly. Everything feels perfect. It always has.

Sometimes when things don't work out, it helps to give it a break no matter how hard it is. Especially in things like love. The more time you spend alone, the more you think and it really does save you from further damage. If the love is true and strong, then it will thrive. 

This is one of the many things he has learnt in the past few years.

Sometimes, you have to make a decision that would break the heart to bring peace to the soul. That was exactly what Beomgyu did.

If Beomgyu hadn't left him that day, they would still be living in pain and thorns, inflicting everyone around them as well.  Sometimes, it’s good to remember that everything happens for a reason.

“You might want to freshen up and wash your face,” he tells Beomgyu, pulling away, “I need to kiss you fast. And as much as I want to kiss you, you have snot everywhere.”

A punch comes flying right to his gut, and as he rolls on the floor, clutching his stomach. But from the corner of his eyes, he sees the younger trudging to where the bathroom is, the tips of his ears burning red. 

Their home is alive again.

*

“This has been Tomorrow X Together. Thank you for coming.”

They bow in front of thousands of fans, hand in hand. Confettis and balloons fly around the stage with the gentle encore music in the background. The various lights shining before them replacing all the exhaustion in their bodies with warmth.

They are not as young as before and this is the group’s first concert after their indefinite hiatus and after Beomgyu and Soobin are together again. They thought it would be a little regretful for the fans, but as always, they are cheering for them loud and clear. It automatically brings smiles to their faces.

Music was what brought them together and is still what keeps them together, with their fans as the glue. 

Out of the blue, right before they head in, Taehyun sings a line they haven’t heard, the crowd going silent for a glitch moment.

“This is a new song I wrote, everyone.” He announces and the whole stadium goes crazy. 

When they calm down, he adds, “Official release is on Soobin hyung’s and Beomgyu hyung’s wedding. I’ll be singing it live.”

The crowd practically roars and it almost busts their ears. 

Beomgyu chases after Taehyun on the stage, throwing water at him while the evil maknae, thanks to his daily leg workouts, sprints away.

Kai laughs at the scene and Yeonjun simply shakes his head in annoyance at the childishness.

Soobin, with a fond smile, walks up to the shorter male and holds him back from running around, a steady hold on his waist and places a kiss on top of his head to stop him from moving. 

It works with the way Beomgyu’s face goes bright red under the concert light and the audience shrieking their lungs out.

The rings that were once hanging from their necks are now in their rightful place on their fingers. 

*