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Jane leaves an hour after they finish eating breakfast and she makes sure Kate has everything she needs. Driving into the office brings her more anxiety than she expected. She realizes that this is the first time since Kate being injured, she will be alone. She knows that Kate needs to process what she wants moving forward though.
Jane finally makes it to the office knowing that Lucy is going to be a lot to handle today. The minute she walks into the bullpen and sees Lucy at her desk the tensest she has ever seen her.
“Good morning, Lucy. Everything okay?” Jane says slowly approaching her to prevent adding anxiety.
Jane’s voice breaks Lucy’s tense posture, because she knows Jane wouldn’t leave Kate alone if she wasn’t okay. “Good morning, boss. Yeah, everything is fine. I am just working through some paperwork. The new DIA officer dropped off some security forms.”
Jane notices that when Lucy said security forms, she got this small smile. She has a feeling that is has something to do with when Kate use to bring those forms over. When they started doing whatever they were doing she noticed that they would receive more security forms than necessary just for Kate to see Lucy. Jane realizes though Lucy might not even know that she had this reaction. “Okay, good. Kate asked me to tell you that you can see her after lunch today. Remember I am on both of your sides here. You have the rest of the day off after lunch.”
“Thank you, is she doing okay?” Lucy says feeling all the tension in her body finally leave knowing she will be able to see Kate for herself.
“Yes, thankfully. She finally seems like herself again. I hope whatever happens you guys will be able to move forward. I have a meeting with her boss after lunch today as a heads up.” Jane says before heading straight to her office not wanting to keep discussing Kate with Lucy in public.
Lucy turns to go back to going over the security forms, but instead her mind wanders to Kate. Instead of feeling anger when Kate has popped in her mind in the past all she feels is guilt. Their last interaction starts to replay through her mind and instead of focusing on her own pain, she sees the pain on Kate’s face when she said,
“Because you ruined everything.”
“You broke my heart into a million pieces.”
“Because I loved you, Kate”
Lucy whispers to herself “how could I be so blind.”
Jane watches Lucy from her office, and suddenly she sees Lucy’s normally good posture completely deflate. She knows that Lucy is thinking about Kate. Knowing that neither of them are going to get any work done she gets up from her desk and out her office over to Lucy’s desk.
“Hey, why don’t we get some food? Those forms and the other paperwork can wait until tomorrow.” Jane says grabbing Lucy’s attention.
“Yeah, okay boss.” Lucy whispers, still in her head about how much pain she caused Kate.
They both collect their stuff and Jane leads Lucy to her car. They are both completely silent the whole drive to Kai’s dad’s restaurant. Kai’s friend seats them in a booth that is more isolated.
Jane finally breaks the silence, “Do you want to tell me what’s going?” Lucy hasn’t looked up at her the whole time since leaving the office.
“I am a horrible person.” Lucy whispers.
“Lucy, why would you say that?”
“I kept pushing her, punishing her, hurting her. I made it clear I wanted an apology and made all these assumptions instead of hearing her out. I threw it in her face over and over again. I don’t even know what the truth is anymore. She almost died and instead of even being a little understanding I berated her in front of Jesse and threw her mistakes in her face the minute I found out she chose me. She actually chose me over her career she spent her whole life working for. Did you know every time I got hurt, she would check on me, even when we weren’t together? She took care of me, no questions asked. And when she got hurt, I just continued to hurt her. If you hadn’t been in the office, she probably could have been even more injured and that is my fault.” Lucy’s voice wavers the whole time, the wallowing and anger is so present throughout it.
Jane is stunned that Lucy even wanted to talk about it, but this is a lot for anyone to carry. “Lucy, you are not a horrible person. You were hurt. You lead with your emotions and that is what makes you a good agent and person. Yes, what happened isn’t right, but that doesn’t mean you can’t apologize and move forward. I know Kate has felt guilty about what happened. I am not excusing your behavior or hers, but you both need to learn from it instead of wallowing in it. On this job, we can lose so much so quickly. From what it sounds like Kate knows that lost better than any of us. Her actions show that more than her words. If want to move on from this with or without Kate, you need to talk and listen to her.”
Lucy finally looks at Jane, and just sees understanding. The weight of everything finally leaves like it has lessen on her mind. “You are right. Um I know its not lunch time, but do you mind if I go clear my head before I go see Kate?”
Jane, kind of expecting this, “Yeah, of course. I will see you tomorrow. Lucy, remember we all just want what is best for you.” Jane mentally starts to remember the guys’ orders to bring them all lunch.
Lucy leaves with that. Realizing that her car is this at the office, she just starts walking towards the beach. Despite hating the water and sand, it feels right. She remembers all the times, she would wake up to Kate trying to quietly sneak out of bed to get her Saturday morning surf. All the times she would go with her instead of just going back to sleep. The peace she felt watching Kate being completely in her element.
Before she knows it, she is halfway down the sand. It’s the closest she has gotten to the ocean willingly. Instead of bringing the usually panic, its almost calming. Taking a seat right there Lucy allows herself a minute to feel everything. All the pain, the guilt, betrayal…. love. Tears start streaming down her face, but instead of trying to get them to stop she just feels it.
She stays there for hours, crying and feeling everything, trying to figure out what she wants to do next.
Her phone rings and she trying to get it out her pocket without dropping in the sand, when she sees the name, Skylar. Forgetting that there also another person involved in this whole mess made Lucy realize how stupid it would be to try to move on from Kate at this point. Not once in the past few hours did Lucy think of Skylar. Instead of answering she lets it go to voicemail. She looks at the time to see she about an hour before when would be her lunch.
Getting up, she texts Skylar asking if they can meet for coffee in 20 minutes to talk. Lucy knows she needs to make sure that there are no more obstacles. Unfortunately, Skylar as kind and fun as she is, is not what Lucy wants and never was.
Getting a text of confirmation, Lucy gets a Lyft to the coffee shop. The drive over brought Lucy even more peace than she would have expected. She plans to just be honest with Skylar and hope she understands.
Getting a coffee from the barista and finding a table in the back is easy enough for Lucy, now she just waits for Skylar.
Skylar shows up a few minutes later and gets herself a coffee before finding Lucy in the back. “Hey, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. I figured you probably had a case or something.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting this either. Um, I have to be honest with you about something.” Lucy starts to get nervous and starts playing with her coffee cup.
“Okay, whatever it is can’t be that bad.” Skylar says having a feeling about where this is going.
“I am not over my ex. There is a lot of unfinished business and a lot of feelings on both sides that aren’t going away. I am sorry, I dragged you into this, but I think its best that we stop seeing each other. You are great and someone will be really lucky to have you, but my heart belongs to someone else.” Lucy says all of this, weirdly feeling better that someone knows that she is still in love with Kate and plans to tell her soon.
“Hey, I get it. Thank you for being honest with me. I am not going to lie, I kind of figured that out on our last date. You were so distant, and you claimed it was work, but it felt like more. No hard feelings. Just figure out what you want.” Skylar says before getting up. “Good luck, Lucy.”
Being left at the table, Lucy feels like she has removed another obstacle from her path back to Kate. Now she just needs to talk and listen to Kate and hope she feels the same. Looking down at her phone she sees a text from Kate asking if she can come to Jane’s in an hour and half. Immediately, texting back yes.
Lucy gets a Lyft back to the office to get her car and goes back to her apartment to change. She figures that Jane probably would not appreciate the sand still clinging to her clothes and boots in her house.
Making herself a cup of tea, Lucy sits on her couch finally feeling ready to move forward and listen to Kate.